cakes1979 Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 My boyfriend of a year and a half has decided to move back home to Illinois. He is moving because he wants to be close to his family and feels he has more opportunities as far as career and quality of life there. I completely understand his motives for wanting to move home and respect him for that. I have not expressed any interest in moving because I have a life for myself in Arizona. It hurts so bad that his decision to move did not include me. I don't see how a long distance relationship could work. Since we met he has talked about wanting to move back but I never thought it would actually happen. We have talked several times about what would happen to us if he did move, which usually ended up deciding that we would go our separate ways. Now that it's down to it I don't want to move on from him. I want to have/share a life with him and just don't see how to make that happen. Does anyone out there have any advise??? Should I just move on with my life and look for the next best thing? Link to comment
Rayana Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Yes you should move on with your life. If he truly loved you he wouldnt accept to be aprt form you. Link to comment
Bethany Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 It's happened to me, but it was only a couple of weeks so it wasn't quite as bad for me, but it still hurt! But I understood that his family IS and will always be HOME to him and nothing I could have done or said would have changed that so I didnt even try. He is homesick. I don't think that there is anything you can do to change this situation. His home is calling him back and his heart and mind are listening. I don't think you can change someone's heart and mind even if they do love you..Some things are bigger than us all and we have to accept it. Maybe you can get some understanding by knowing that YOUR home is where YOUR family is and can anyone or anything change that? Of course not, it's who you are, where you belong and want to be. Link to comment
DN Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Would you consider moving with him? Perhaps he hasn't asked you because he thinks you would not based on that previous conversation. If you would move with him, perhaps you should be the one to bring it up. Link to comment
evy38 Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 It sounds like he made his "Rules of engagement" pretty clear at the beginning, those being he won't be staying, And, you accepted them. It is understandable that you fell for him and want to change the plan, midstream, but you can only do that if he wants to readjust this relationship, as well. I think he would tell you, if that is what he wants. As for turing a relationship into a LTR, I really believe that, if there is no firm plan or time period for the relationship to return to normal, then the LTR is just a longer, sadder and loner way to break up. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Would you consider moving with him? Perhaps he hasn't asked you because he thinks you would not based on that previous conversation. If you would move with him, perhaps you should be the one to bring it up. This is a good suggestion. I agree that maybe he never asked because he thought you are happy and established in AZ and would never consider moving. Would younconsider it? Had you guys talked about a long term future together at all, is he someone who if you move to be with him, it could end up being marriage and family? Link to comment
Relationship Coach Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 If you move from Arizona to Illinois that is 100% true LOVE! The only thing that could inspire that move for me would be LOVE! What are your thoughts on moving? Keep in mind that his family is there and sometimes that can cause issues for you as well. RC Link to comment
brando Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Cakes, Who do you know in illinois?? Other than this guy, what else would there be for you in Chicago?? I wouldn't move to another state with someone unless i knew there was more in that city that was for me or too my liking. Just my opinion. What about your friends, family, etc..??? Think seriously about this, sometimes not even love can sustain this sort of transition. be well, brando Link to comment
dishrag Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 I don't know what to advise, but can share my own story. I moved away when my ex and I were starting to become emotionally attached. Eventually, it led to a long-distance relationship. After some time, I wanted to be with her all the time and moved to where she was working. I got a better job, there were more things to do and having her around all the time was utter bliss! Sometimes leaving the comfort of home is hard to do but for me it was better than living without the love of my life. I guess this can go both ways - If you really love him, and having him in your life fulfills you then you might find the courage to give up your safety in AZ. However, I also see this as if he really loved you, he would not have a problem leaving Illinois behind him in order to pursue a life with you. Maybe talking about these options, with him, could give a little more insight. Link to comment
cakes1979 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 Well I actually grew up in Illinois and finished college there. My family is no longer there but do have a ton of friend who live in Chicago. Over the weekend I was trying to think of ways that things could work. The only way that I could see moving there would be for myself. I am considering going back to school for my Masters and would consider schools there. That way if things don't work out I would still be taking care of myself. When I brought this up to my bf he said that he see's it best for us to go our separate ways and move forward in our lives. It hurts so bad to know that he is not willing to fight for our relationship. But he has started to send me mixed signals. Yesterday he sent me an e-mail asking to get together today (Valentines day) because he had something for me and if not he would just drop it by. I said yes that we could get together, because my heart is still with him. Well in the middle of the night he sent me a text message saying Happy Valentines Day and that he still really loved me. I got to work and there was an e-card sent to my e-mail. It said that he hoped I was having a great day and hoped I know how much he cares about me. Then he called just to chat! I didn't know what to do about it because I thought we resolved to move on. I called me back to say that I was confused and he said that he didn't realize and that it was best for us not to get together. I feel like he is playing games with me. That he really doesn't want me to move on with my life so if things don't work out for him in Chigaco he has me to fall back on. Any insights? Link to comment
Relationship Coach Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 Cakes, Now the winds are shifting in a new direction and there is a big RED FLAG waving! He wanted to move home because of family, better career opportunities and "better quality of life". Now, I'm not a genius but better quality of life leaves many things to consider. I certainly have to give my vote to AZ when it comes to weather, lower crime, transportation, cost of living, better basketball franchise, lower taxes, less pollution and a healthier state in general. Now what does come to mind is an old home town flame, I hate to bring it up but by his knee-jerk reaction to you considering moving there, well lets just say it was never a part of his plan. If the two of you have discussed this at times like you said, I have to wonder why he doesn't want you to move with him? This sounds very selfish unless he has fallen out of love and has been trying to prepare you for this move. I really think your options are limited here, you can't make him want you or love you enough to ask you to move with him so dump him. Get it over with now, before he moves! That way you can start the healing process before he crosses the state line. I don't think it's fair to you to continue being emotionally and physically attached to him, knowing that he's leaving. Insulate yourself and get a head start! RC Link to comment
evy38 Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 I think that when he told you, at the beginning, he would be moving back home he was, in essense, telling you that your relationship would not last. Women should always listen, to a man, when he tells her he isn't looking for anything permanent. They rarely lie on this subject. Link to comment
Darketernal Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 I would move with him, even if it was foolish i would try to build up another life where he is going together with him, if all things fail you could always go back to arizona. Link to comment
Diggitydave Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Dishrag, just your name and picture made me laugh. Thanks Link to comment
ScoobyBaby1500 Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 That hurts, but I guess you knew it was always coming. Like said above if he really cared he would not leave you. There are better things that will come later. Link to comment
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