OK, So I am a snoop

[WildChild]

OK, bare with me here. Thursday we had an argument about his excessive computer use and basically told me he wasn't going to stop etc…. I was pretty upset with him, but by Saturday I had started softening a little. While cleaning that day, it dawned on me that my gut felt like it did before I found out about my ex-husband's affair: dread. It hit me that maybe he cheated on me while away at work the first or second week in January. He has been withdrawn, short, no intimacy…total opposite of how the last 3 months had been. Then it hit: during the first and second week he didn't call every night, calling later than usual, sometimes calling from the lobby and not his room (using having a coworker as an excuse because that week he didn't have the room to himself), spending more time at the pool/sauna area, not giving me his room number like he had started doing, being short on the phone, and made his infamous statement of me being a snoop and was going to leave "crap" around etc… Then I remember he had searched on line looking up some girl from the Cities the day before we left to visit his dying grandma. He suggested that Friday night (two hours after his search for her) that we would go see Gma on the Iron Range and then drive down to the Cities to see a concert or something (our original was just staying in Duluth for the weekend).

 

I went over to his parents house (didn't tell him that though) to tell his mom I was ready to throw in the towel because of his gaming, adult entertainment, lack of intimacy and his occasional but hurtful insults. She agreed that I needed to leave even though she knows he really cares about me, and told me I needed to ask him if he cheated (she didn't think he would do that to me, even though we both agreed not too many people would admit it). I felt better afterwards though, and relieved after crying for 3 hours and thought to myself I will give it one more shot. Unfortunately, I came home and he was still on the computer gaming and I asked him if he would ever cheat on me and he said "no." He asked why and I told him that I have been racking my brain trying to figure out his recent behavior and he said I would never have to worry about it. I told him I did because our relationship has gone down the drain the last month. Funny side note: I commented on Sun how long he had gamed on Saturday, and you know what he said??? He watched TV while I was gone. I told him "Oh, so it's only when I'm home you're on the computer. What do they call that? Oh yeah, avoidance."

 

I told him on Sunday I thought he was addicted to it and that I didn't know if I could live like this for the rest of my life and he said the decision was up to me. I went to get the boys and when I came home, he was still on the computer and didn't even acknowledge the boys until I asked him if he was going to even say "hi". I realized then I couldn't do it anymore and calmly told him I was going to take the week to think about things. That I loved him but we continue to have the same problems and they only change for a short while. Since then he has been on his best behavior: having supper with us, spending time with the boys and me, good and happy attitude, and has limited his time on the computer immensely. I'm still keeping in mind his past changes only remain temporary.

 

Well I checked the temp internet files on Saturday and he started deleting them since Friday, but keeps the cookies. So I did what I know you will all be upset about. I checked his email yesterday morning. In his junkmail he had two unopened emails from these gals, both said the same thing. That they saw his picture online and to add them to his msgr, they will have a great time (odd thing, different girls name, but same msgr name---dirtyneighbour). His name on both is some funky name but is his correct email address. I marked them as unread and thought we'll see what happens. Soooo, I check the temp files again today after he left for work and last night when I went to bed he had checked his emails. I thought it was strange that this morning he had his msgr on, but the internet locked. It hit me on the way to work: he added this chick. Sure "cowdung", I come to work and checked his email. Both were opened and he added one of them to his contacts. He hasn't added it to his msgr or his favorites, but it is there. But regardless if he adds her to msgr or not, he knew what her intentions are when he added her. And what picture of him did they see???? His profile for his hotmail account and pic is under adult content (it was even when I met him) but there is nothing even suggesting on it, not even his pic. He takes a risk adding her to his msgr in the event I am home when she messengers him.

 

So here is my pickle...I want that SOB to know I can't trust him and why! But if I tell him what I did, I look like the idiot. If I just say it is over he will wonder what the hell just happened since he has made a change (whether temp or not is to be seen) for the good. He has been on his BEST behavior. I didn't give him ultimatums, I just told him I didn't know if I could live the rest of my life like this and needed time to think about it. I wasn't expecting changes, I figured honestly he would continue on the way things were...basically if you don't like it, lump it. So I know he does want this relationship. I feel foolish! If I don't leave him, I am stupid. If I stay I am allowing this to continue. But, the stupid reason for not is because I love him

 

Is it a trap so he can see I snoop? Or did he add it to the contacts, but not msgr to see what my decision will be or how it goes and then if it doesn't work he can cyber sex with her??? Do I wait to see if he adds her to his msgr? But then I think about it and he has the balls to come to bed the last two nights holding me (him knowing last night what the hell he had just done).

[RayKay]

Wild,

 

 

After everything he has thrown your way the last few months, the hurtful comments, the neglect and the taunting....and adding these girls whom are CLEARLY not in it for "platonic friendship".....does it really matter that much that he knows you "snooped"?

 

Yes, snooping is bad, yes it shows distrust...but the fact is there are VERY apparent reasons you distrust him. He has "changed" before and everytime it is because he knows he is being watched, he knows you are pulling away. Honey, your partner should not be treating you respectfully purely because you are pulling away, there should be no need to be watching him at all. He has done the same in the past, and gone back to his old ways again and again.

 

Even if he did this just to SEE if you were snooping, to set a trap, my guess it is only because he is pushing you to see again what he can get away with. In the past he TOLD you he would try and get you to catch him? Whom in their right mind in a healthy, loving relationship would consciousLY try and plan such subversive maneuvers?

 

Wild...you know you should be breaking it off. Even his MOTHER agrees! Does it really matter at all if he knows then you snooped when you are ending it?

 

There are so many red flags here, that have been there a while now, I really really really wish you could step back to and see how his behaviour looks on the outside. There is so much distrust, resentment, cruelty, one-upmanship, pushing...it is NOT healthy.

 

I suggest you don't go based on how he is "acting" towards you now, but add it ALL up and make your decision from that.

[KieranMc]

Don't want to seem cruel but this seems like a "third strike you're out" offense. In my eyes it would be an instant dumping for the guy.

 

If my girlfriend was so much as FLIRTING with another guy.. apart from buying a new flamethrower.. I would end the relationship without hesitation. You were suspicious and obviously an intelligent young lady, showing your understanding of both male behaviour and web based technology.

 

Dump his a5s... join a dating agency.

[BellaDonna]

Hi WildChild.

 

While cleaning that day, it dawned on me that my gut felt like it did before I found out about my ex-husband's affair: dread

 

Aside from the "evidence" you actually found from snooping- you also have to really trust your gut. It will almost always speak the truth.

 

You know this unhealthy cycle all too well from your EX- so try to prevent yourself from re-living that dread. Don't insult your own intelligence. Don't let history repeat itself. Get rid of him now before he can bring anymore negativity into your life.

 

 

BellaDonna

[arwen]

Wildchild,

 

I am sorry what you found when 'snooping'. I won't judge you on the snooping part, you followed your gut and it got proved right. I think it doesn't matter how he will think of you if you just throw it in his face. I think what strikes me MOST in your message, however, is the number of times you mention him being 'on his best behaviour for so and so long'. Girl, he is a LIAR and probably a CHEATER. He is NOT on his best behaviour, he is pretending he is and God knows why.

 

You don't even need to tell him you snooped. You have every right to break off things even if it wasn't for the whole episode about finding the emails and cookies. Why stay in such an unhappy and unsatisfying relationship?

 

Ilse

[kellbell]

Hi Wild,

 

**hugs**

 

I just read your post from the last week of January and and my heart breaks for you. My goodness. You are a lovely woman on the outside and inside. Your boyfriend DOES NOT deserve you. I mean ok...he has an addiction, a computer addiction and that is something you may be able to work through it together...addictions happen to the best of people but the lying, sneaking, cheating, porn...no way. No excuse for any of that.

 

Wild, I went through something like you...when you give, give, and give and get nothing in return..eventually you will have nothing left to give. You burn out, you need that emotional replenishment and you are not getting it at all. And the snooping, well, now there isn't any trust left. I know you have a long road ahead of you but I really think you are better off on your own.

 

I am so sorry you have been going through all this pain and frustration. You deserve so much better than this. Take good care of yourself and many many hugs to you.

[Dako]

If he's setting a trap for you, he doesn't trust you and wants hurt you if you snoop. Setting traps isn't quite a constructive way to build a relationship.

And if they aren't traps?

 

I think you have plenty of reasons to throw in the towel, either way.

You deserve a man that loves you and treats you better.

Wish I could give you a hug, lady.

[DN]

I agree with most everything people have said. But I question why you would go and see his mother to tell her of the problems. I don't think that was fair to him and it was most certainly not fair to her either. It is not a good idea to try and enlist her against her son and would suggest that no matter what happens with him, you don't do that again.

[WildChild]

I agree with most everything people have said. But I question why you would go and see his mother to tell her of the problems. I don't think that was fair to him and it was most certainly not fair to her either. It is not a good idea to try and enlist her against her son and would suggest that no matter what happens with him, you don't do that again.

 

I went to his mother because she knows how he can be and she asked if I ever needed to talk she wanted me to come to her. She had absolutely no problem with talking to me about it because she herself has seen it before with his ex, and we have talked before about it. No I didn't tell him, and I'm not going to either. I basically went there to tell her I couldn't do it anymore as the way things were so she knew why. After the wonderful holidays we had I knew she would be shocked if all of a sudden I left. I wasn't trying to enlist her against her son and she knows that. I also needed the insight she has always offered to give me if I ever needed it.

[DN]

Well perhaps she may be fine with it - how would he feel if he found out?

 

I am still not convinced that it was appropriate to have done that, even if she encouraged you. If you stay together she will expect to be always told of any other problems; if you break up it could easily cause discord between the two of them.

[SLMitchell918]

While cleaning that day, it dawned on me that my gut felt like it did before I found out about my ex-husband's affair: dread.

 

Let me tell you Wildchild, the feeling of dread is pretty much a good sign . When you feel like something is wrong, that is how you feel. Been there and done that - as you have.

 

After reading some of your previous posts, I am surprised with how much you have tolerated from him. You honestly deserve to be happy. I dont feel that snooping on him was such a horrible thing because he gave you every reason to snop. If you felt like things were great, you wouldn't have snooped.

 

A relationship , as I am sure you know, is all about being a couple and spending time together. Naturally you will have your moments apart but you make up for it when your together. It seems that he spends way too much on the computer, either gaming or chatting with other girls when he should be spending time with you.

 

My husband did that when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. After I found out that he was talking to his ex girlfriend online, I was going to leave him. But saying that was enough for him to stop & actually sell his computer. I said this because if your guy really wanted things to work out, he would make rock solid changes instead of changing for a few weeks and going right back to his computer.

 

You deserve happiness. Life is way too short to live unhappily. You have told him how you feel. If he is setting up traps only to prove that you are snopping, then thats a sign of a failed relationship.

 

Please leave him and make yourself happy. There IS someone out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. The right guy will always compliment you on how you look and you would never have any problems with not feeling desired.

 

I wish you the best, but I hope you chose to make yourself happy.

[WildChild]

Well perhaps she may be fine with it - how would he feel if he found out?

 

I am still not convinced that it was appropriate to have done that, even if she encouraged you. If you stay together she will expect to be always told of any other problems; if you break up it could easily cause discord between the two of them.

 

I will tell him the truth. I went to her to tell her I was ending it. I didn't originally go there to get the scoop on him, but she wanted to know what was going on and I told her. She won't expect anything, she isn't that way...she has never pried beyond asking if he is treating me good. She knows how he can be and wanted to give me insight to maybe help make things clearer to me. Even so, I have racked my brain many times to figure out what makes him tick and his mom filled me on some things that actually made me feel better when I left.

[WildChild]

I confronted him today at lunch. He was surprised to see me and could tell I was upset. I told him that I can't trust him online and that I took his challenge months back and had been checking the files and what I have seen. He denied it, didn't know what I thought I was seeing, etc.... I told him I had been doing it for a long time and I know exactly what it is what I have been seeing. I told him on one hand he wants a loving, caring relationship and on the other hand he wants to have this other life while not having sex with me. I said I hadn't decided if it was from his childhood or if he just had that much disrespect for me and women. That I would never think to do the things he does. He told me he wished I would do this while he was home so I could show him what it is that I see, and I told him now that he deletes out the files and keeps the cookies it would be a little hard for me to do so and he does this stuff the majority of the time on Fridays when I am at work. He tried telling me the cookies were caused from popups etc...and many times it is links that the guys on his forum will send him and he doesn't see that as cheating. I told him that maybe his other gf were stupid, but I wasn't and that I am a highly intelligent woman. When we don't have sex and he avoids me it is the same thing my ex did while he was having an affair. He swore on his dying grandmother he wasn't nor hasn't cheated on me with anyone or on line. I wasn't get anywhere with him so I threw out there this new contact. I told him I went to send a message today before work and I saw this new contact that wasn't there before and he gave a plausible answer. He said he opened his messenger last night and he had an invitation by this person. He wasn't sure who it was and he accepted it and chatted for a few minutes. He said they had seen his profile online and after a few minutes he realized what they wanted and he blocked them. Which I do know as soon as you accept someone's invitation, it automatically puts them into your contacts and that would make sense why they weren't checked off for his messenger contacts. I told him there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him and I don't doubt he cares about me, but he keeps lying about the porn crap and that is what is making me angry especially because of the lack of intimacy at our ages. He finally after 20 mins said whatever and left to go back to work. As he was walking away I told him that I think about the fact that after almost after a year he has never once told me he loves me.

 

I am proud I remained calm and didn't become hysterical. Everything he shot at me, I had an answer back. Although like I said, his answer on the whole new contact is plausible. He can prove it by deleting the fact it is in there.

[oh-so-qt]

Are you sure you aren't with MY ex-husband? Sounds WAY too familiar... I actually ended up putting a hammer thru our monitor once (not the best reaction, but was it ever satisfying).

I understand the hurt inside - it only goes away if you remove the dagger. Take some time to think about what it is exactly that he is doing & if it's something he would find acceptable if the tables were turned. Highly unlikely.

Tell him that you know what he's been up to & your guilt for snooping - he'll only get angry if he has something to hide.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

So I did what I know you will all be upset about. I checked his email yesterday morning. In his junkmail he had two unopened emails from these gals, both said the same thing. That they saw his picture online and to add them to his msgr, they will have a great time (odd thing, different girls name, but same msgr name---dirtyneighbour). His name on both is some funky name but is his correct email address

Before you do anything too rash about the messenger thing. This sounds surprisingly like a couple of e-mails that I've gotten in the past couple of weeks too, from the same person no less. I think it's just SPAM.

 

It doesn't excuse what's happening though. It sounds like at the very least he's made you an "Everquest Widow". I game a lot too, but I also know enough to only do it when the person I'm with is either away or doesn't want to be disturbed or anything like that. A week off to get some perspective is definitely what the doctor ordered. I hope it works out for you.

[WildChild]

Before you do anything too rash about the messenger thing. This sounds surprisingly like a couple of e-mails that I've gotten in the past couple of weeks too, from the same person no less. I think it's just SPAM.

 

It doesn't excuse what's happening though. It sounds like at the very least he's made you an "Everquest Widow". I game a lot too, but I also know enough to only do it when the person I'm with is either away or doesn't want to be disturbed or anything like that. A week off to get some perspective is definitely what the doctor ordered. I hope it works out for you.

 

I figured it was spam but unfortunately for me he actually had added her "handle" to his contacts. He didn't add her to his msgr though, just his contacts. I thought more about his explanation, which I know now is an excuse. It hit me this morning it is a line of BS that she tried im'g him and he accepted not knowing who she was. You have to be a paid subscriber to MSN chat, and even then the sender doesn't see the email they are sending it to. Only if the recipient replies back using your actual email address (and not the link they provide for your protection) do they see the address. He did what I originally thought he did: he got the email, thought it sounded good and added her to his contacts. Didn't add her as a msgr contact though cuz too risky with me being around. He was quite humble last night and this morning. He didn't sleep in bed last night nor even attempt to kiss me today which is just fine with me. He knows he is in trouble and he is hoping his explanation got him out of it. The sad thing about all of it is even if I tried prooving out of logic and not that I read the email, he will still think he is telling the truth. So I am at the point of an ultimatum. Me, the boys, and a loving relationship or a cold bed with dirtyneighbour and all the other smut to get off on in an empty house.

[NJRon]

Not withstanding everything that is going on, he is covering his tracks. That is a sure sign of deceit. Either he is doing something wrong and wants to hide it, or he is not doing anything wrong and is acting like it to punish you. Both are deceitful tactics and there is no room in a healthy relationship for it. It can only get worse from here.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I agree. It was spam used to trick people into getting people to use "cybering" services, but he did make the choice to use the address. You are right to give him the ultimatium in my opinion. You have to look out for you and your boys. If you don't who will?

 

Hopefully he'll see reason, but I'm not so sure. I have a friend who just recently left her husband of 10 years for very similar reasons. She's taken him back a few times in the past and he never changed. His addiction was online porn and gaming. Both can be hard addictions to break, and you'll only break them if you really want to.

 

My thoughts are with you and your sons. I hope everything works out for you.

[WildChild]

Not withstanding everything that is going on, he is covering his tracks. That is a sure sign of deceit. Either he is doing something wrong and wants to hide it, or he is not doing anything wrong and is acting like it to punish you. Both are deceitful tactics and there is no room in a healthy relationship for it. It can only get worse from here.

 

God I know it, I know it, I know it Why is my head going "leave that SOB no matter how many good qualities he has" but my heart is going "stay and give him one chance to rectify this." Somebody shake me please...or literally pick me up and physically move me out. I know I am right on this one and I don't want to buckle, nor do I want him having me come accross as being crazy.

[novaseeker]

I don't see what the ultimatum is going to do other than prolong things. to be honest. He's had opportunities to change and hasn't used them. He'll behave for a bit and then it will slip back again.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I see your ultimatium as one last chance for him to clean up his act. Actually I admire a person who's willing to give someone that chance. If he doesn't though or if you have any misgivings about his sincerity if he does (like if he doesn't turn off the dang computer when you're there), I think you've done more than enough. It will be time to turn in the towel and move on.

[Dako]

Pretend he's not into cybersex at all.

Even if he were playing Tetris all night and drinking cocoa...

Does he treat you well? Do you feel loved?

 

 

You're a young woman with a lot to offer. Don't sell yourself short.

[WildChild]

I agree. It was spam used to trick people into getting people to use "cybering" services, but he did make the choice to use the address. You are right to give him the ultimatium in my opinion. You have to look out for you and your boys. If you don't who will?

 

Hopefully he'll see reason, but I'm not so sure. I have a friend who just recently left her husband of 10 years for very similar reasons. She's taken him back a few times in the past and he never changed. His addiction was online porn and gaming. Both can be hard addictions to break, and you'll only break them if you really want to.

 

My thoughts are with you and your sons. I hope everything works out for you.

 

The sucky thing is I snooped at his email. I didn't just find it in his contacts like I told him. How do I tell him that. And even so, he will have some twisted lie he has created that he will stick to and NEVER admit to what he did, so why even tell him how I found out because it will be turned around onto me and lose focus on the real issue. This just all aroud sucks. Up until this feeling on Saturday I had I trusted him and now, I realize I can't trust him. How do you just forget about all of the good overnight? I can't. I have to keep working up to this because I know I need to leave unless of course some miracle happens. He is an addict, he knows it, and he won't stop any of it. He will keep gaming and denying he looks at porn. And then what ircs me is that he tells me I am the one who added this one porn site to the favorites cuz he didn't. I think he is clinically sick. He believes these lies as if they are the truth.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Yes, you snooped, but you had a good reason. You trusted your gut. If my girlfriend snooped on me like that, yes, I would be upset, but I also know that she wouldn't find anything because there's nothing to find.

 

You went with your instincts, they proved right. I honestly don't think you need to tell him how you found out. After all, it's your choice whether or not to continue any relationship with anyone else. No one has the right to tell you otherwise. Besides, he already knows why you want to end it. He's an addict and he doesn't want to get better, plain and simple.

[WildChild]

Pretend he's not into cybersex at all.

Even if he were playing Tetris all night and drinking cocoa...

Does he treat you well? Do you feel loved?

Are you sick of being the home IT spy?

 

You're a young woman with a lot to offer. Don't sell yourself short.

 

Aaahhh, the pros and the cons list. Ironically I just did this last week...yey for Wild for actually contemplating the good vs. bad LOL

When it's good, it's good and when it's bad I'm miserable. I actually read that it is normal for men to pull back without them even knowing they are so that they can come back to their SO revived and refreshed and ready to give even more. Many times I do feel loved even without the intimacy, and sometimes I feel ignored. It's not a matter of "oh, spend every waking hour with me if you love me" kinda thing, it's the ignored for hours and hours on end. Avoidance, and that is what makes me wonder what he is avoiding me for. I am sick of being the home IT spy I was SOOO relieved to tell him I had been tracking his sorry * * * for months because of HIS challenge to ME. That everything he told me I had an answer that would put his words to shame. I think for once I left him feeling like he was defeated, especially because of his actions last night and this a.m. I actually think I caught him crying when we came home. GOOD. I hope he bawled his eyes out. I actually feel invigorated and empowered because I feel like putting the ball in his court. Shape up and fly right and I mean straight as an arrow, or we are gone and for good. No phone calls, no im's, no visits nothing. Out of our lives period.