Dating.....how to meet? :(

[CluelessGuy321]

Here's my sob story in a nutshell:

 

Tech geek for IBM. Live @ home with parents. 24 almost 25. Never been kissed or had a girlfriend. Acne. Been in all boy schools since 6th grade.

 

I was sitting at home and it dawned on me. I'm 24. Almost 25. I don't have 1 friend that is still a virgin. I feel like a total loser. I have never asked a girl out though, and it is strange - it gives me comfort knowing that I have never been rejected but I will never get anyone to accept too. I was depressed after reading about the "Ladder Theory" .It seemed to ring true.

 

No sexual experience. No dating or relationship experience. All I do for fun is hike, fish, or bike. I'm getting a personal trainer and joined a gym about 2 hours ago and trying to psych myself into making it a routine to eat healthy and work out constantly.

 

I'm also going to see a shrink that a friend recommended to me as very competent. I need someone to talk to aside from posting my feelings on message boards. $180/hour though. There goes my tax refund.

 

 

Anyways, how do you people find dates?

 

Where do you go? Where do you look? I'm out of school and I can't imagine hooking up with a girl from a club or bar. I feel like a fish out of water. I always do.

[DN]

I feel like a fish out of water

Time to go swimming with other fish. Find some club that interests you and join it - preferably one that also has a social aspect to it as well. Hiking club and/or bike club would seem obvious.

[CluelessGuy321]

You're right. I need to look for those. And I shall right now.

 

 

 

Thought: You know what else is my problem? I just thought of it: I care too much about what other people think and I have preconceptions. I'm a dorky looking asian kid. In college, I saw a beautiful girl. Her name was Karina Seraphim. She had a graceful name and she looked very graceful. She had a face similar to liv tyler from Lord of the Rings. Very elegant. I didn't think a guy like me would catch her fancy: until I met her boyfriend. A fellow asian dork. I couldn't believe it.

[Casket]

I am sorry i cant offer much advice with the dating aspect, and i just came out of a relationship with a girl and i am still hurting bad...

 

But a couple of other things struck me in your post. First of all, you are NOT a loser. Im sure many girls would admire and respect the fact you are still a virgin. I know if i met a girl who was your age who was i would be very impressed.

 

Second of all, going to the gym is a great thing. I have been going for a while now and im loving every single bit of it. I know alot about nutrition and alot about how to build your body, that is what is the right way to get maximum muscle fibre stimulation. A personal trainer is a great idea. If you have any questions about anything related just give me a yell and i will be more then happy to help you out.

 

Keep at it mate. Your not a loser by any means and you will find the girl for you.

[DN]

You're right. I need to look for those. And I shall right now.

 

 

 

Thought: You know what else is my problem? I just thought of it: I care too much about what other people think and I have preconceptions. I'm a dorky looking asian kid. In college, I saw a beautiful girl. Her name was Karina Seraphim. She had a graceful name and she looked very graceful. She had a face similar to liv tyler from Lord of the Rings. Very elegant. I didn't think a guy like me would catch her fancy: until I met her boyfriend. A fellow asian dork. I couldn't believe it.

 

There ya go! Never assume you are not attractive to someone for the assumption may be keeping you from a great relationship.

[Caldus]

Oh heck yeah I agree. Go to the gym man. It builds confidence and you will be healthier. I go 2-3 times a week and lift some weights and do a little ab/leg work at the end each time. All it takes is about an hour for a couple of the days of the week and over time you will build a lot of confidence. And stop thinking about how much of a loser you are. That's ridiculous man. People lose their virginities at different ages in life. Trust me you are not the only guy in his mid-twenties who is still a virgin. There are definitely others around. And yes, join some clubs if you can find them. Work on yourself first. Good luck!

[Casket]

Exactly right, gym does wonders for your self confidence. With the right diet and routine you will see results and the confidence WILL come believe me.

 

I got 4 days a week with opposing muscle group splits. One tip i can give to you is to use heavy compound exercises and free weights.

[Caldus]

^ Agreed.

 

I am also doing it because I am skinny as a rail and trying to bulk up. I've been doing it for over a year now and I already notice great results!

[CluelessGuy321]

Yeah, ok. There is one other person who is a virgin - my best friend's girlfriend who is 24. That shouldn't last much longer though.

 

I know I'm hard on myself though, but I look in the mirror and I just can't imagine any girl acctually liking a guy like me. I know it's all in my head. All my friends tell me this, but I can't shake it - and I need to. I hope the shrink can help me.

 

My main goals in life are to be wealthy and healthy. But I also want the chance to be a good father and a good husband. I just feel like I'm getting old and missing the boat.

[Caldus]

That's why I say you need to work on yourself first before working on girls. Because we need to get rid of those comments like "I can't imagine any girl liking me". And I actually know someone who is around your age who is still a virgin. I'm just saying that you aren't the only one.

[yme]

CluelessGuy321

Why rush? Take a look around this board and read of all the stories where people have loved and lost. If you go out looking to'score' just so you are not a virgin at 25, you can bet your sweet bippy that you will end up getting hurt.

 

Without knowing you, I am guessing that you feel uncomfortable in mixed company because you consider yourself a 'geek' and thus unattractive to the opposite sex. Am I close?

 

Well, take a good look around you. Take note of all the guys who have partners. Are you really uglier than them? I thought not.

 

The first step you need to take is not to a gym. Nor need you pay for a 'shrink' to tell you that all you need is confidence.

 

Let me tell you what I was told, many years ago, when shyness was my biggest problem. Rule #1 Stop trying so hard to impress.

 

If you find conversation difficult, do as I did (and still do), read at least the front and back pages of the daily newspapers. You can open a conversation about current affairs or sport with anybody.

 

And the easiest way to hold a person's attention is to get them to talk about their favourite subject. Themselves. Show a genuine interest and you will find that you will discover a common interest about which you can expand the conversation. Avoid talking solely about yourself, make sure that you both have the same interest in what you talk of. Before you know it, you have a friend. And, so long as you avoid rushing into the bedroom, you might well find that you have a long term affair going.

 

Rule #2 Be yourself. Don't elaborate (bs) anything about yourself, you will be found out in the end.

 

Finally, it isn't a race to see who is last to lose their virginity. When it happens it must be because it is a natural progression of your relationship. Otherwise, you might just as well go and pay somebody to 'take your cherry'.

 

Save your money, my friend. Do what you feel is right for yourself. Virginity (or not) is not a lapel badge. Only you know if you are or not. Good luck, although you won't need it. It will happen to you when the time is right, without you even being aware of it.

[DaMadHatter]

Important thing here is you've taken the first step and that's realized your situation realized you're not happy and taken the first step to changing it. Joining the gym is an awesome first step, as is seeking counseling (if u think u need it). This is great. Now if i'm you i go all the way. Go see a dermatologist bout that acne, and work on your ability to talk to girls and put yourself out there.

 

The physical part is the easy part, after few months in the gym, dermatologist,contacts..etc. You're confidence should rise, but THE MOST important and difficult part will be improving your inner self.

 

I hear a lot of whining, so what if u live @ home, virgin, geek, whatever. Don't focus on negative but focus on your positives. When it comes to women it's QUALITY not QUANTITY. Seems to me ur not trying, once u get your confidence up take a risk of being rejected since ur not used to it it will sting but the more and more u try the less it will sting. If u dont know what to say to women and have no game try one of those dating help sites like "doubleyourdating" or something like that and eventually you'll feel comfortable around women enough to not need any program or nothing. Just yourself. Stay in there and don't get down.

[CluelessGuy321]

Yeah, I saw the dermatologist. She gave me some pills called "Accutane". My 4th time using this stuff. It clears my skin, but the acne comes back after about a year. Also, it makes me very very dry.

 

I'm reading a book by Dale Carnegie that's helping me better understand stuff about interacting with most people.

 

I should excercise these ideas as much as possible. With that being said:

 

I appreciate all the responses that I have received, and am very humbled that you guys have taken the time to read my whinning and problems. I shall make this my last post and resolve to change myself right now.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

oh goodness, why are you taking accutane? i'm sure theres a different prescription sher could put you on. it's just accutanes the black sheep of the drug family because it's side affects for woman have been dasterdly, and i'm sure it must not be very safe for men either. well please do be careful either way.

 

and good for you for taking the initative, see now your already 60% of the way there. just have to work up your confidence, and the boys are right, working out leads to excess endorphins being pumped which in turn creates a sense of euphoria or happiness in your life, which sounds like it may just give you that extra boost you've been looking for.

 

all in all, good luck, and don't worry, we all have to do some work once in awhile to get where we want to be in life. the point is that your trying, and thats all that matters.

[Boomer]

Hey,

 

I am also working in IT field and I find that many IT people ( including me) have issues with personal relationships. I know many of my colleagues do not have girlfriends. I think that IT people do not have social skills since for some reason and confidence suffers

[musicguy]

A confident guy is what makes a guy attractive to girls

[teacup]

let me tell you something.

 

i dont think you are strong enough to do the dating thing yet.

im not saying this to be mean or watever. but the world out there is harsh. guys play games. girls play games. ppl are dishonest, have ulterior motives, and bad intentions. they tear each other apart. and if there is something that has the potential to rip your world upside down, it is dating, and it is girls. there are bad girls out there, girls that will use you, hurt you and leave you in the dust. who will play you and you do not want that.

 

so i would say, really make urself a strong person before you jump into it.

 

i say this because it is what i need to do myself. i am weak as hell and i was out there dating and it made me even more broken, disturbed, and abused than ever.

[eviljedi]

My main goals in life are to be wealthy and healthy. But I also want the chance to be a good father and a good husband. I just feel like I'm getting old and missing the boat.

 

Maybe you should make one of your life goals: Happiness

You can be wealthy and healthy but still depresed.

[Caldus]

Just remember: happiness comes from within.

[friscodj]

Just keep doing what you enjoy doing, get fit, take care of yourself, and put up an ad on an online dating site for starters. Send out a few emails and see what happens...no pressure...

[friscodj]

i dont think you are strong enough to do the dating thing yet.

im not saying this to be mean or watever. but the world out there is harsh. guys play games. girls play games. ppl are dishonest, have ulterior motives, and bad intentions. they tear each other apart. and if there is something that has the potential to rip your world upside down, it is dating, and it is girls. there are bad girls out there, girls that will use you, hurt you and leave you in the dust. who will play you and you do not want that.

 

Going through all of this may make you stronger too...

[Caldus]

Sometimes the suffering is worth it.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Sometimes the suffering is worth it.

 

i'm interested to hear, in what way?

[friscodj]

i'm interested to hear, in what way?

 

It makes you see and realize what you really want...and the true and deep appreciation of having a good relationship after one or more bad relationships will motivate you to be a better partner...

 

Think of it like getting out of a maximum security prison after a few years...wouldn't freedom have new meaning to you??? And you would probably cherish everyday of that freedom in ways you wouldn't have otherwise if you didn't go through the suffering...

 

Not that I've been to prison or anything...

[Caldus]

^ He knows what's up.