therealshrek Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 During a little fight today, my girlfriend told me that I'd always "be on the sidelines" when it came to everything else in her life. I asked her what she meant by this and she said, "My family, education/career, and faith will always come before you. You knew this coming into this relationship and you need to understand that if you want to be with me, you are going to have to accept this." Truthfully, I didnt know this coming into our 3 year long relationship and just recently started to notice this the last couple months (during a brief break in our relationship). Her words cut into me like a hot knife and I'm not able to sleep. I asked her if she still wants to marry me and she couldnt answer. I feel as if our relationship has taken a step backwards... Link to comment
RandomAdvisor Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Personally I view relationships and general, and marriages more so, as a partnership. Why she should feel that you will always be on the sidelines is beyond me. If you ever became her husband, wouldn't that make you a member of her family? Doesn't marriage figure into her religious faith? Link to comment
DN Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 If anyone ever said that to me it would the last thing they ever said to me. Link to comment
Bethany Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 I agree with DN. I wouldnt be second best to anyone or anything. Relationships are two equal people sharing love and life together and I would seriously think of walking away from this if I was you. You deserve better. Link to comment
Tigris Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 I also agree with DN. It's obvious she doesn't love you enough to put you first! I'm sorry but I think the best thing for you to do is walk away! Everyone deserves a better relationship than that! I'm sure there's someone waiting in the wings to take her place. Good luck and take care. Link to comment
arwen Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Hey there Shrek, I still remember the other post about this girl. Really, break up with her. She is not committed to you, and she seems to be using you. She has now the space to show her true self, she still finds you controlling, and you don't like the way she acts. End this, you will be very very thankful to yourself later on. Ilse Link to comment
Lonelyinasmalltown Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 I'd have to agree with DN, if anyone, after 3 YEARS, told me that, that would be the last thing they told me. A relationship is a partnership, not something you pick up when you have the time. Link to comment
lunatic Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 If anyone ever said that to me it would the last thing they ever said to me. OMG I too am with DN but, with a difference that I would be the catalyst for her leaving. I would throw her out on the street so quickly she would have road rash on her butt from the force of the proverbial kick in the can. I think it is time you realize that your relationship is in trouble and maybe time to start thinking about what YOU want now. Get out while your heart is only broken. Link to comment
Dannysgirl Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 I agree with the others, this is unforgiveable. If this is truly the way she feels she clearly has no business being in a relationship. How would she feel if you expressed similar sentiments to her? Its time to evaluate your relationship and decide whether its really worth being with somebody who prioritizes everything else in her life above you. Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Shrek I am in agreement with DN too. This girl sounds selfish and pretty heartless to say that to you. It's no wonder you couldn't sleep!! It doesn't even matter if she FEELS that way..but for her to actuallyy SAY it to you shows not only her true colors, but how she feels about you in general. Shrek, break up with this girl....don't let her break up with YOU...that will only make her more smug about the whole thing. You still have some control here. Time to use it. Good luck sweetie. Link to comment
Royltnxile Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Get out now, while the getting is good. The others are dead on. She's selfish to the core. Don't keep hanging onto her "on the sidelines". You want to be on the "first team" in her life, not the second string. Want to rock her world and make her head spin? Tell her you love her, but that it's just not working anymore and that you feel it's time to move on - ie- break up with her. If you wait until she eventually does that to you, then you are going to be crushed. Call it a pre-emptive break up, or call it more accurately "self preservation". Link to comment
lunatic Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Call it a pre-emptive break up, or call it more accurately "self preservation". I have to laugh at this comment since it is not only accurate but, I chuckled when I read it. Take control back Shrek and tell her it is over. Kick her to the curb and never ever look back. She is the one who is losing here not you. Good luck. Hub Link to comment
RayKay Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Agree with the other comments here, also going from your other posts, it's time for you to put an end to this. It's pretty clear from her actions, not just her words, she really does not consider you a priority. Relationships are partnerships. Our lives are busy, there are always things we need to do, to take care of, but our partners our part of our life, we make the time for them we want to, we prioritize them as we want to, but I would be wary of someone whom says "1, 2 and 3 will always come before you, deal with it". Especially when in my opinion you should be PART of that "family", when you should be a partner and accomplice in her goals and dreams. It's one thing to feel that way, but another to tell you that...especially THREE YEARS into it. Honestly her saying that just shows she's truly self absorbed and will never give you what you deserve and need. Show her the door, and show her you won't accept someone whom will consider you so far down her "list". Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Hmmm...somehow I can see the expression on her face if he decides to break up with her.... one of 'How DARE you do this to ME"???? Sad...but I wouldn't doubt it. Link to comment
therealshrek Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 thank u all for your informative replies. im going to sit down with her again and try to have a discussion about us, but most likely not tonite since we are attending a concert (which she surprisingly paid for). I know you all say I should jump out of this relationship, but we all know how much easier it is said than done... i appreciate the replies and will post updates to those who are interested... Link to comment
OceanEyes Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 You should be #1, no questions asked. I'm sorry, but the love of your life will bring more to your life than anything else ever could. Why else would people crave affection/ attention and relationships so much? If a man told me that I would always be "on the sidelines", I'd say, "thanks for the offer, but I'm not the type who will ride the bench a-hole". Link to comment
novaseeker Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 thank u all for your informative replies. im going to sit down with her again and try to have a discussion about us, but most likely not tonite since we are attending a concert (which she surprisingly paid for). I know you all say I should jump out of this relationship, but we all know how much easier it is said than done... i appreciate the replies and will post updates to those who are interested... Be careful here. Don't set yourself up for more pain. Link to comment
patience Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Shrek, How cruel! I'm speechless! Is this woman a narcissist or something? She sounds incredibly selfish to say the least. Love yourself better than this. Link to comment
Itsok Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Of course it's always easier said than done, but keep in mind that she has outright told you that you aren't number one in her life and never will be. I don't think I could stay in a relationship like that, it's not fair to you. If when you talk to her she says that you will always be on the back burner no matter what, it's time to think through if this person is the one for you. It sounds like she has a lot more priorities on her mind and you aren't one of them. Link to comment
acuraman Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 Thats just as bad as saying "your not a priority in my life". You deserve someone better than her. If I were you, I would tell her to "take a hike". Link to comment
therealshrek Posted February 5, 2006 Author Share Posted February 5, 2006 well we talked again about it. she told me that i am a priority in her life, but not number 1. she stated again that her education/career, religion, and family come first. she then stated that I would be number 1 in her life when we get married, but for now, we are just boyfriend and girlfriend and she was raised to believe that there are other priorities first than a boyfriend. she said "we're too young to put eachother first on our lists." she then said if i couldnt accept this, than I need to find someone else. i told her maybe that would be a good idea and she told me she still wants to marry me, but lets just enjoy what we have now with eachother... i can understand how religion and her family are number 1s in her life, but ill never understand why she is in such a rush to get her career on the way that she'd be willing to sacrafice me... Link to comment
DN Posted February 5, 2006 Share Posted February 5, 2006 I would tell her that you are going to leave her, but that if she decides that you are #1 priority after all, or at least not 'on the sidelines' then to let you know and you will reconsider and decide what you want to do at that time. And then walk away. This is a critical moment and what happens next will determine the course of your relationship with this girl for the rest of your life, even if that means it is over for good. Don't underestimate the importance of how you handle this situation now. Link to comment
RayKay Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 If she truly felt she wanted to get married to you, she would not say that essentially you are not important enough at this stage. Yes there are other priorities other then a boyfriend as you are growing up, and too many girls give up their entire lives for their boyfriend...but you have been together three years, and if she truly sees you as a life partner, then you should be part of her life and more of a priority...at least you should not be feeling so low down on the list. Yes, we are all busy, and no we should not sacrifice our careers and interests for someone, but really, there is no NEED to. She can still have a great career and a great relationship. Someone whom says "it will change when we are married" is just trying to keep you hoping...because the truth is how someone treats you NOW is how they will treat you then too...marriage does not suddenly turn a switch in someone's head. Making someone a priority in your life is not only choice, but a desire too. I would agree with DN, let her know you are leaving as you certainly don't want to be so low on the list, and if she changes her mind, then you'll see when you get there. But for now, you need to move on and make yourself the priority again. Link to comment
Scout Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 If she truly felt she wanted to get married to you, she would not say that essentially you are not important enough at this stage. Yes there are other priorities other then a boyfriend as you are growing up, and too many girls give up their entire lives for their boyfriend...but you have been together three years, and if she truly sees you as a life partner, then you should be part of her life and more of a priority...at least you should not be feeling so low down on the list. This is true. It's been three years - and if you're not at least even with her friends and family on the priority list, I'm afraid it will take a major event for her to open her eyes and see just what she's lost by putting you so low on the list. In other words, maybe it is time you walk. I can't guarantee that she will wake up and realize her mistakes, but you'll at least be free from a relationship where your needs and wants are placed at such a low value. Link to comment
therealshrek Posted February 12, 2006 Author Share Posted February 12, 2006 thank u all for the great advice and taking ur time to read of my woes Link to comment
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