sexual partners - how many is too many?

[locolady]

Hi,

I just want to do a little research on this question - both males and females please and try to be honest - i know that everyone will have a history, that when you love someone, the past isnt important etc but please think carefully about how many sexual partners would put you off or whether it truly doesnt matter. How many do you feel comfortable having yourself? Do you worry about stds?

 

Thanks

[RayKay]

To me it depends more on the context, and how they feel about sex NOW. Some people do go through a stage, but they do grow out of it and learn from it that that is not what they want at all.

 

For me, a turnoff would be someone whom had lots and lots of casual sex outside of relationships, many one night stands, affairs and so forth, rather then someone with a number of relationships that were sexual. But, I can also accept that someone whom has had one night stands is not necessarily someone whom now does not value sex or whom would do so again. It's very subjective.

 

Regardless of how many partners someone has, you need to be careful with STI's. While someone with less partners may have less exposure, you never know where THERE partners were either....things like HPV, chlamydia, gonorrhea and herpes are quite rampant and honestly even if you have only ever had one partner AND used protection you can get them. That is why regular testing and pap smears are important, in addition to protection.

[TheLegend]

I knew some girl was attracted to me but I never let anything happen between us because I've heard from my close friends that she was sexually active with some people without relationships and that was a huge turn off for me. But her friend had 10 bf's before (at least that's what she told me) but I was still attracted to her (until I learned other things about her that is..) So I guess it's kinda ok if two were in a bf&gf relationship or not..

[Cecelius]

Mid-30s, I think 10 is a good max for partners for girls I would date, that may go up as I get older though.

 

Wouldn't date a woman with more than 1-2 ONS in her past at this point.

 

Concentrations of partners from a long time ago (like college years) I wouldn't think too much about.

 

These things are important and I don't get to "love" until I can respect them and be attracted to them, which isn't possible with too high a body count.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I'm actually turned off by the idea of being with a virgin, but since most guys my age are rather promiscuious, it won't be that big an issue. More than 5 would be pushing it, there's an old saying you sleep with everyone your partner's slept with.

[LotusFlower]

Oh, boy well when I was a teenager...haha.... I've had well over 10 sexual relationships, 1 ONS, and no STDs...ever. I think it depends at what stage they where overly sexualy active if they where...if they are having sex left and right with whoever, then there is a confidence or ego issue.

 

I personaly feel weird if my partner has been with over 30 and under 4. I dont' worry about STds with my partners because i pick them carefully and use protection. I ask questions...like when did you get checked, and who have u slept with since then... etc.

 

If they have dated more then 2 at once, more then once... then I am weary.

 

If you love and trust someone...their past shouldn't matter though.

[Dr]

Never had a one night stand. Only had 1 sexual partner (Who I'm with now).

 

I used tohave a friend many years ago who would stay in my living room at weekends so he could go clubbing. He lived miles away and at 2am he had nowhere to go so my living room turned into his sex room at the weekends.

 

Honestly, this bloke was really a genius with the women. He could pick up a woman anywhere and get laid. Every week there would be a different woman in my flat having sex with him in my front room at 3am.

 

I used to be the nice shy guy. Thing is after he'd dumped the girl for the next, they used to try and turn to me as their next man. Why do women do this? - Women never like nice guys until they need one.

 

I never actually went with any of his Ex's as I knew how many women he'd been with and the likelihood of him passing STD's around.

 

I could never go with someone who's into ONS's. Relationships are a better way of doing women these days..

 

Doc

[hosswhispra]

Wonder what people think of having no partners...hmmmm..It actually does not really worry me. Cause when it comes to sex, it's pure animal instinct...can't be that hard to learn...haha....

[CarnelianButterfly]

hosswhispra, i think I feel more comfortable with that idea. I'd be happy just to have someone around to share my joy and see my life. Sex is just the dark shadow hanging over our so called 'advanced' heads.

[Day_Walker]

Personally I think the past does matter, it is important to know a persons history. If the person was engaged in some risky behavior then I would say that it is important information. As far as my particular cut off I would say that around my age group exceeding 10 sexual partners, is questionable. As I get older this number will adjust in order to make accomidations.

Rarely do you ever know how many sexual partners a person does have because people will lie and they want to make themselves look better than they actually do. I would say that you should always allow for some extra partners that they wont mention. How I usually get around this is by telling them that I have a number in mind about the number of acceptable sexual partners and I wont tell them what my cut off mark is until, I get an answer from them. If you think about it you are almost insisting that she will lie and if you already know this then you can adjust accordingly.

[NJRon]

I think knowing about the past is only important inasmuch as it is a reflection of their ability to commit. Someone who sleeps around a lot when not commited, but then is monagamous during a relationship would worry me much less than someone who has had few sexual partners but, each time they have, it's been bouncing from one relationship right into the next.

[locolady]

Thanks for the comments so far - very interesting! I'm really happy to see that many of you said you'd only want sex in relationships - i;m 21 and amongst my friends have slept with considerably fewer people than most - at opposite extremes with one housemate at uni - she'd been with over 50 (makes me want to puke!) while ive been with just 2. In pub last week the conversation came up adn i was amazed and disheartened at the high numbers that were coming up! I'm really worried about stds - as someone said you effectively sleep with all your partners parteners - so even though i respect sex and would only ever sleep with someone i love, i could end up being diseased and dirty because someone i am with was a slag in the past.....tricky and sad. How come people have sex with people so easily??

[leelee123]

And it was 53, granted it was over a span of at least 15 years, but that bothered me so much. Whenever we go out and run into a girl he knows, I can't help but wonder if she's one of them.

 

I ve gotten over it b/c I love him, and honestly Im not angel either. I think accepting someone with a past can be difficult to do, but you have to focus on the present and the future and as long as there is trust...

 

Oh and yes, we were both tested before we slept together.

[1babylove]

I don't think the number of past lovers a partner has had matters. My current lover has had about I think its 3-4 dozen lovers, and I am some where in that range of past lovers. For three years I was single, partying and going to school. I was never worried about contracting any STI's because I was as safely protected. Plus with free healthcare as a student I was frequently tested and responsible about my sexual health. Sure I took risks with having so many lovers but I also made sure that it was safe and that I stayed healthy.

 

This current lover and I went and got tested for everything early on in our relationship. Being open and honest about sexual history is very important. Being with someone and judging them based on their sexual past to me is repulsive. People change and grow and being turned off by something that started and may have ended years ago isn't something that should be a judge of character. Sure I had a ton of lovers but before I met my current one I was completely sex free for over six months because I decided I wanted a relationship with long term potential.

 

To me it doesn't matter. Regardles of the amount of lovers, they are the past. Its when the relationship with that exlover is too close that worries me. But I understand that people have pasts and I live in a small area and frequently see past lovers around town and neither one of us cares who was who and when.

[1babylove]

People have many reasons to just have sex. I am a very romantic person when I am in a relationship. When I wasn't, when I was developing who I am and what I wanted. I just did it for the sex, for the orgasm. For the fun and thrill of it. It was fun but I found out over time that I wanted more and I missing out on real intimacy. I was lucky to find it. Even if he takes it for granted.

[Coffee]

It`s starting to hurt my relationship. When the sex is lacking I start thinking of all the wild times she has told me about. I`d like to think it is a self confidence issue with me, but I think there is absolutly nothing wrong with being jealous over things like in such low times in a relationship.

 

I compare our sex life with her past and feel very cheated and left out. Right now I`m trying to figure out if I am a selfish pig, lack selfconfidence, or am completely normal about the entire situation.

[NJRon]

What's normal for one person isn't for another. I had similar insecurities when I was younger. Now, I don't. I have been with women who lost count of their partners after 50. I have been with women who had none.

 

I would be more concerned that the sex is lacking. In that, you don't seem to be getting what you want from it. If you leave the past out of the picture, it seems that *that* is what your issue is and that should be addressed outside of the context of the past. If the sex was great, it doesn't sound like you would be having these concerns.

 

As you get older, you're going to run accross women who have much more background than the one you're with right now. If you don't get over it now, it just gets worse (or, at the very least, narrows down your chance of meeting Ms. Right).

[dr_skier]

Ok folks, Who cares how many people someone has slept with. Yes I care how many guys my gf has slept with and I have a huge double standard. But you also have to know the past is the past and to live for the present. I've slept with 79 girls. I'm 22. Admitting that to my respectivly angel of a gf was hard to do, but honesty is probably the best thing. Luckily most of these were in another city so we dont run into them all the time. This fact bothered her for quite sometime. But I got tested for her and tested clean and I told her the fact is I'm with you know and this is where I want to be and I'm more satisfied then I've ever been. And that was the end of that topic.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

What happened in the past is in the past. I wanted to have multiple partners earlier in my life to sew my wild oats, so what's wrong with her doing do? Sex isn't the be all end all of life, but life should be about having fun as long as you're careful and responsible.

 

With that being said, if she told me she had 30, 40, 50 partners, I would be worried. Not thinking bad about her, but for me. All of the competition. I would need to get a scorecard and see where I rank in the Cunnilingus, the Doggy, the Missionary, the Nasty Sanchez, The Donkey Punch, ect. See, I strive to be #1 and if it takes a lifetime, I'll keep on trying, dammit.

 

It really doesn't matter, although as a virgin I would be intimidated if the number is pretty high. But that's me because of my inexperience and insecurities. But if this were a serious relationship, then the past is the past. It's all about us and looking forward.

 

I still wanna be #1 though.

[OceanEyes]

I wouldn't ask. I think having a general idea of where your partner has been, how many relationships they've been in, etc., may be of interest to me, but I wouldn't directly ask my boyfriend how many women he's been with. I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and STILL we don't know exact numbers. Who cares? Just like RayKay said, whether a person has had 5 or 50 sexual partners, you still have to be safe and careful.

 

What's most important is the NOW, the present, not 5 years ago. It's none of my business who my boyfriend was sleeping with before me.

[ShySoul]

All of the competition. I would need to get a scorecard and see where I rank in the Cunnilingus, the Doggy, the Missionary, the Nasty Sanchez, The Donkey Punch, ect. See, I strive to be #1 and if it takes a lifetime, I'll keep on trying, dammit.

 

Kyo, your sense of humor is always appreciated.

 

Personally, I don't see a point in assigning an arbitrary number and saying that is too many and the deal is off. If you love a person, and you are willing to make a committment to each other, then that is what counts. Where the number counts is in the possibility of transmitting a disease, so that should be checked out.

 

We tend to be interested in people who care the same values as us. Thus, in my case, being a virgin whose waiting until marriage, I will more then likely end up with someone having very few partners, if not a virgin themselves. I don't expect a virgin at my age, but I won't discredit the possibility. It's not an issue I will probably have to deal with, as I am naturally attracting to people's whose views lead them to not having many partners. But even if they did, if we love each other and vow to spend the rest of our lives together, then that is what is important.

[shebop]

I have been reading all the posts and I am finding it interesting to hear everyones view. I just went through a break up...well we actually broke up 6 months ago...he was the first person I ever slept with. I was with him for 3.5 years. I was 22 at the time, now 25. I have slept with 3 guys since him...something i never really thought I would do. Sometimes I feel guilty b/c now I feel like I am giving sex a different value. I like these guys but I am not ready for a relationship and am pretty much doing it for the excitement as I don't have in genuine interest in these guys. The thing that worries me is if you are with a guy that has been with many girl or vice versa....do you think that the sex could end up being less meaningful? I don't know what I am doing...I still really care about my ex...but I spent a long time with him and now I think it is my time to be like this, but I just don't feel right about it yet. any comments/advice would be appreciated

[NJRon]

I don't think making love is ever less meaningful, regardless of how much sex you've had in the past.

[ShySoul]

It depends upon a persons general attitude about sex. If you are sleeping with the person just to have sex, that makes it less meaningful because you don't have the emotional element, which is what makes sex truly meaningful in the first place. But if you really love the person, then the sex is going to be meaningful, regardless of past number of partners. Personally, I want to give it as a gift to the one I marry, to be able to say to her that she means so much to me that she is the only one I want to share the experience with in my life. But I know most don't think like that, and I don't expect them too. As long as you are having sex with someone you love, in a committed relationship, it is meaningful.

 

shebop,

 

You were with this guy for years. He was your first. The emotional attachment you feel for him must run very deep. This isn't going to be something you just get over. I think that maybe you are turning to these other guys for a couple of reasons. One, to fill a spot in your heart that is missing. You miss him and miss what you had. So you want to feel something like that again. But when you try, its not the same. Also, once you have sex, its something you tend to want again. There is also the element of being free and on your own, able to see what is out there and try new things, see different people. You feel like exploring. All of these things put together can be confusing, which explains where you are feeling like you do.

 

I sense that you have high values when it comes to sex, having waited so long to have it and now feeling guilty about having it with guys you aren't serious about. You're conflicted, part of you wants to be doing it, having fun. But the other part wonders if this is really right. In my opinion, if you are doubting yourself like this, that's a sign that you shouldn't be doing it. If you keep doing it, you will probably feel worse and worse about yourself, and thats not good. It will be harder to enjoy the sex, because you'll be thinking about whether or not you should really be doing this. Sex should happen when its right, when there are no doubts or second guessing yourself. Right now, it doesn't sound like you are ready for that.