Is getting back together an option

[liasonred]

If you have an Ex who says they want to get back with you but then asks for 2 weeks alone is getting back together an option?

 

My ex left me, she ended up with someone else and I moved on. She periodicall intiated contact with me, each time wanting us to get back together. I gave in to her once previously last year and for a while we had fun but the other guy was still around and incapable of letting her move on. Eventually I told her to leave me alone which she did for about 3months. Needless to say she got back with the other guy in this time although she says she still wanted me.

 

I'm not painting a pretty picture of my Ex but do believe that the love I have for her and the love she has for me is going to be hard to find with someone else. We have both been a little nieve in the past and am both trying to put thing right in our own ways.

 

Situation now is that she again wants us together, but is incapable of making any effort. This isn't just with me but with life in general. I think she is suffering some form of depression. I want to help but she has asked for 2 weeks NC. We have only met up twice sinc she has iniated this contact.

 

Is getting back together an option in this situation? Should I try to help/understsand her or take this as a sign I should again just forget her? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[in_the_mirror]

i hate to say it but i really think you need to forget her...you say she is not only like this with you but life in general how do you expect to have a life with her when she won't do anything for the relationship now. she says she really wants to be with you, well then let her make the move, and if she doesn't, then that is her own problem, move on she is only gonna give you heartache.

[LiquidCherry]

I would be hesitant. I just think that if she were really serious she would have taken her two weeks first before mentioning anything to you about getting back together. Also, you deserve to be with someone who is capable of making an effort to be with you.

[liasonred]

Thank you for your posts.

 

You are both right. How can she know what she wants if she behaves in this way. It's hard though because I try to move on and forget about her but she finds a way of getting back at me.

 

I will use this 2weeks to get past the wanting to be with her frame of mind.

[curlygirl47]

Liasonred,

 

I'm dropping in on a few threads today just to add some thoughts from a book I'm reading, Beyond Blame. Something to think about: "The key to diminishing the control that your deepest fears and threats to your internal security have over you involves, first of all, understanding exactly which fears in you are being massaged by others. Two of the most common are the need for control and the need for acceptance."

 

I know that part of the reason I have been so upset in the past month is that I have lost control in the relationship with my ex and I have also felt unaccepted (rejected). Realizing this helps me to see that I need to regain control and acceptance in some way, and that I can work on this apart from my ex. Maybe you can do this, too? By the way, it has been 11 days of No Contact for me, and I am finally beginning to feel better. Last night and today I feel more relaxed and confident than I have in a while. I am working on acceptance and on maintaining a loving and forgiving attitude. I hope you will have a good day today and not worry too much about your ex.

[chai714]

Don't allow her to give you the "all or none" option. Let her know that in two weeks, you might have a date. I realize you care about her but she'll take you for granted if you sit there like a pupppy waiting for its owner to get home.

 

You said that she wants to get back together but is "incapable" of making any effort. Unless she's on a life support machine in the hospital or in a coma, then she IS capable of making effort. Do not make any excuses for her, because there are none. When someone really wants something, they will go and get it.

[RayKay]

Don't allow her to give you the "all or none" option. Let her know that in two weeks, you might have a date. I realize you care about her but she'll take you for granted if you sit there like a pupppy waiting for its owner to get home.

 

You said that she wants to get back together but is "incapable" of making any effort. Unless she's on a life support machine in the hospital or in a coma, then she IS capable of making effort. Do not make any excuses for her, because there are none. When someone really wants something, they will go and get it.

 

I agree fully with Chai.

 

If she is "incapable" of making an effort, is this really a person you want to be with ultimately? Do you want to be involved with someone whom only gives 10%, when they feel like it? Which turns out, most of the time they really don't? How fulfilling would that be for you?

 

Relationship requires both giving and receiving....beware of someone whom only wants to be receiving.

 

When someone truly wants something, they will put forth the effort, because it is worth it.

[healinginnyc81]

If you think she's depressed, now is not the time to pursue a relationship. The only thing you should do is advise her to take the time to overcome her depression. You might recommend she see a therapist. She needs to come out of her depression to be able to be in a good relationship. I don't think you should even think about a relationship until she works on her own issues.

 

Once she gets through her crisis, then she has to show that she is willing to work for a relationship with you.