piegirl Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 My BF and I have a great relationship. He has recently been getting to know my children and my children have accepted and are really starting to like him. All said there are no problems between me and him or him and my children. Me and my BF talk daily on the phone since our busy schedules keep us from spending more than 1 day a week together. Recently he has begun telling me on a daily basis that I cannot move in with him or that he does not want to get married. I have never brought up either subject to him. When he brings either subject up I simply tell him that I did not ask to move in and I did not ask him to marry me. Last night he told me that I could not move in with once again and told him that I knew that we had already covered that. Then he proceeded to say that it would require my kids changing schools and me having to drive 80 miles to work one way that it would just would not be a good idea. I have known from the beginning that he had a hard time with commitment. I am just confused as to why he feels that I need a daily reminder of his reluctance to get married and then the more recent subject of moving in together. These 2 things are obvioulsy on his mind daily since he talks about them both. I am not sure whether to continue and let him know that there is no pressure coming from me even though he already knows that, or to let him know that moving in together is something that I would love to do. How do I know if it is his commitment fear or if it is his way of asking what I want at this point? Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 I think he is telling you this, so that later when the issue arises and you say "hey, let's move in together and get married", and he says "no"....if you say "you led me on!"...he can say "no, I told you ages ago I did not want to get married". I really don't think it is a "hint" to ask him. If he wanted it to happen, I think he would approach it in a way that did not involve saying he did NOT want it. I suggest if you do want to live together/get married in your future, you be cautious. Men whom say "I don't want to get married" are rarely just "feeling you out". Generally they are saying they really don't want to...at least not to you. If he brings it up again be firm and ask why he is bringing it up when you have already talked about it so many times! I think he just wants to make sure in some ways you are not getting attached and dreaming of wedding bells just because you are introducing him to your kids and so forth. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 It sounds to me like he is being direct - he's saying he doesn't want to move in together or get married, so if those are things you want one day (I'm guessing they are), this probably isn't the guy for you. Link to comment
kellbell Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 Hi there, I don't mean to sound callous or anything but I am a little perturbed by your BF's words and behavior and I will tell you why. I have a problem with men like your BF whom find no problems with seeing you like you have been and allowing your children to get attached to him and then he says..."oh, no...I am never getting married and I don't see you moving in anytime soon or ever." I think that's kind of mean and selfish on his part. It would be one thing if you were not a mom and so forth but you are and have your children to think about. It makes me wonder why did he get into the likes of you, didn't it ever cross his mind that at one point your children would get attached and look up to him and at one point, the issue of co-habitating would eventually come up. I think he needs to be more honest with you than he has been and really figure out what he wants out of this relationship. Just shutting you down saying he is not interested in marriage and cohabitating is not enough. I am under the impression you are at the point in your life where you want to settle down and get married and provide a stable home for you and your children and you deserve that. And the fact you want it and he does not...well..maybe a heart to heart talk is needed. He does have a fear of committment and it's not fair to you or your children. Link to comment
novaseeker Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 That's harsh, in my opinion. I think he is being honest and up-front about where he is at and what he doesn't see happening at least in the near future. Perhaps he's been a little repetitive, but it doesn't strike me that he's being mean. Perhaps it's the context of getting closer and getting closer to the kids as well that has made him think "Ack, she may be thinking we're going to be married ... and I don't want that", and so he's communicating that to her. I think that actually is considerate and gives the OP the information she needs to decide how she wants to proceed with the relationship. Link to comment
kellbell Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 Yeah, maybe your right. Like I said...I'm sorry if I am being harsh. PieGirl...I really hope things work out for you. Big hugs. I mean no harm. Link to comment
piegirl Posted January 25, 2006 Author Share Posted January 25, 2006 Kellbell I appreciate your comments and no they are not harsh just your opinion. As to why he got into the likes of me it was a not an intentional thing. We met at a bar talked and then started seeing each other at very slow pace. The both of us looking for a reason to not see the other one again and never finding it. He is a very loving person and would do anything for both me and my children. Prior to meeting my children we talked alot about it and he asked to help him learn to be a family with us. He said he does not know how to be a father and that he knows it is a role he will have to play if we are to remain seeing each other (my childrens father has not been in their lives for the last 5 years). My BF is wonderful with them. He tells me he loves me and his actions say it as well. The moving in marriage topic of conversation just comes up so often and always by him. The idea of moving in together seems great to me but I am not at the point where it is a make it or break issue. Marriage I can do without it is not important to me. You all may be correct that it is his way being sure that I am clear as to what he is expecting out of this. Thank you all fo royur responses I appreciate them. Link to comment
kellbell Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 Ok...now things make a little more sense to me. Well, maybe he is scared of all the responsibilty and maybe did not realize in the beginning things would get this far. And as long you are cool with things as they are, like how you mentioned not moving in right now is a deal breaker, then things are ok. As long as you both keep the lines of communication open...then you can't go wrong. But what do you really want? I mean he is making it clear what he wants and does not want, have you had an opportunity to share with him what you would want? Link to comment
piegirl Posted January 25, 2006 Author Share Posted January 25, 2006 I guess that I have never said what I want. Part of me is afraid that by saying what I want I just might get it. Or even worse I wont like the answer. So far I have received all that I have asked for. He may be hesitant when I ask things and say he is not ready. So far though it has on taken a week maybe for him think it over and tell me that he is ready. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 How long have you two been dating? Link to comment
piegirl Posted January 26, 2006 Author Share Posted January 26, 2006 We have been dating exclusively for almost 8 months.. Link to comment
Luciana Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 Piegirl, you really need a more specific website. Go to and click on message board. You will see many people with the same problem as yours. My advice is: do not live together with him. You will be stuck. Do not move in without marriage or a wedding date. Fund out why at that website. Good luck. Link to comment
Luciana Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 Novaseeker, give me a break! He is being honest in telling her what he thinks now, but then he should not continue dating her if she wants more commitment, which is the natural course of every relationship! He should then go find someone who is happy having a carefree lifestyle, without sharing their lives! Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 I don't think that piegirl has ever said what she wants from this man..... Link to comment
piegirl Posted January 26, 2006 Author Share Posted January 26, 2006 I want to be with him and he knows this. I was over at his place last night. He had passed out at work and was feeling badly so I went over to see him. We talked and he offered me a key to his house. I said sure but that I did not see any use for me to have one since I am only there when he is. He said it was a sybolic gesture. It is little things like these that make me question what he is truley saying. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 Have you ever talked with him about why he doesn't want to get married? Is he ok with making a life-long committment, but doesn't believe in the piece of paper? You don't have to make the convo about you and him - maybe just talk about your ideas on commitment and marriage in general... Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 Have you ever talked with him about why he doesn't want to get married? Is he ok with making a life-long committment, but doesn't believe in the piece of paper? You don't have to make the convo about you and him - maybe just talk about your ideas on commitment and marriage in general... Easier to do this for some people if there is something to "spark" if off, like a tv show, or friend's engagement announcement. Most of my conversations on marriage/children/parenting with my partner have started off this way. In fact last night we were watching a show about a couple planning their wedding...I don't know it well, but basically they have a budget, plan, and in end see if they went over or under budget. This one couple spent $50,000 ($10,000 over budget) and my jaw dropped at that amount and I laughed at the insanity of it (for me, it is insane, for others I recognize it may not be!)...my bf was of course delighted at my reaction...and we talked a bit about how we both thing that is so extreme, and would much rather do something small and simple...and even $1,000 seems like a lot of money for us when it comes to that! If my wedding was to cost that much, I sure would not be able to go back to school this year..I'd need to start saving..no thanks, too many other things I would rather spend it on then cake and flowers! Now, I am going off tangent, but I just wanted to say, there are ways you can approach this without sitting him down and actually "planning" it, there are ways to bring it up in ways that lead to such discussions, and don't make it sound JUST about you and him, but in general. Of course at some point it should be about you specifically, but this is a good litmus test of sorts to get some general ideas about his beliefs, why he does believe them, and so forth. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 I agree with RayKay - many of the convos I've had about marriage and committment with my dude have been started when one of us mentions a friend getting married or breaking up or about something on TV... Not like we "sat down to talk about it." Link to comment
sibling295 Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 LOL! Yes , how about when your boyfriends best friend proposes to his girlfriend in front of you at a new years eve party!! Piegirl , whatever you do - dont be like me and bring it up DAILEY!!!! I had already told my b/f that there was NO living together. So that is out of the realm . I know its frustrating , my b/f has no kids , never even wanted any but he is SOOO awesome with my niece.( I take care of her for my sister, long story) My b/f has become a new man with this relationship - he knows it , he tells me all the time. But the legal commitment issue is another story. Give your b/f some time . 8 months is not that long. Put his house key on your key chain and just keep quite. For now. Or until you cant take it. But if marriage is not what you want - then i dont see a problem in your relationship. I mean you guys sound great. When he mentions , you cant live me or marry me - just say " HAH! You should be so lucky!"and go about your merry way. Sib Link to comment
piegirl Posted February 16, 2006 Author Share Posted February 16, 2006 Seems to me that my realtionship with my BF had changed for the better (not that it was ever bad). We had talked about Valentines day he said that he thinks it is a stupid holiday and had no intention of celebrating. I told him that was fine it is a hallmark holiday anyway. So then Monday night he calls me and asks if I am available to go out for valentine dinner (a woman he works with told him that he had to do something or I would leave him and he would regret it). So we go out and have dinner, a couple of drinks. We sat there at the restaurant for a couple of hours talking. That is when he tells me that he is scared that he doesn't treat me good enough. He told me that he knows that I get irritated with him alot lately and that he is going to try harder to be nicer. He tells me that there has never been anyone like me in his life, and that he loves me. So all is great and we go out again last night. We are sitting at there talking and I was telling him about looking for a place to move. He tells me that he wants me to move in with him, except for my kids. He said that he doesn't want hurt them if in 3 months he changes his mind about living together. He also said that it would be alot harder me finding a babysitter, changing schools, and I would have to drive an hour an half to work. Just an update on moving in together. Not sure how to get over the fear of hurting my kids that seems to be the biggest issue for him. Link to comment
Scout Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Piegirl, this guy loves you. He's simply scared, that's all. I don't blame him. It shows he feels real tenderness towards your kids, and never wants them to be hurt if things don't work out with you two. You know what? I say he's making incredible progress. Every step he takes is closer to committing to your family. But: he's not quite there yet. Please, don't move in with him. Luciano is right. Wait for a real commitment - marriage. But don't ask for that! Just keep on with how you're handling things now. I think in another year, you're going to find this guy on his knee handing you a beautiful ring. You have too much at stake to risk moving in together without a marriage commitment. You have children. And I hate to say this as it may offend some people, but living together with your boyfriend is sort of teaching your kids that it's ok to be in a relationship without having a decided commitment in place. Living together may be fine for lots of people, but if they have children, I just think it sets a mixed-message example. Link to comment
MeHim Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 IMO. This is a situation your bf wishes he hadn't got so deep into. It seems to me you and your children are wonderful, and he couldn't pass you up, But... at a glance he seems to want you and only you and have a "late teenager" type relationship. Almost like he was 19. he wants to not be attatched to anyone. I almost got married at age 21 (I'm 24 now) I am super glad I did not. The age, the situation(we had a nice apartment, 4 nice cars and of course, he was 2 years older) He was in the party age of 19-20 I was in the settle down stage of 25-26. You deserve better IMO, He might be a great guy, but he's not at a point in his life where he can accept all of your "baggage" (not meant in a mean harmful way) But he might not be mature enough to handle it. I dont really have advice other then, follow your heart. If he makes you happy and you don't tihnk he's going to walk away and hurt your kids (mostly) and then yourself. Then stay with him. If you think there's the slightest chance he's going to walk away, walk away first. he's only going to hurt the feelings of your children, and make them think they are not wanted. Link to comment
Luciana Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Piegirl, I am shocked he wants you to live with him but not your children. That is very selfish. Why are men so selfish nowadays? This whole story sounds really bad. HIm telling he won't marry you, etc. SInce it's only 8 months, I would continue just dating him but keeping my options open. That means going out with other guys as well. Keep this light. PUT YOUR CHILDREN FIRST. I am talking from experience. Link to comment
Scout Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Why are men so selfish nowadays? Well, it goes both ways, but I also think the trend to live together without a commitment isn't doing anyone any real favors, especially children. Link to comment
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