Should I put up with this? Would you?

[KellyWyndham]

Hi, I'd like other opinions PLEASE. been with my guy for a month and though he's great I've noticed he's very lazy, overly lazy. He goes to the gym and plays sports but in our relationship he wont do certain things because it's 'effort'. He always makes me call him to arrange things, cos 'he's bad with making plans'. He sometimes won't come over because he can't be bothered to take the two trains (it can take upto an hour). He used to compliment me alot but now he never does. He's not as affectionate as he used to be and I'm the kind of girl who needs attention in a relationship. He's obsessed with blowjobs, prefers them to sex and makes me give him head at least once every time I see him. When we do have sex he makes me go on top 'cos he can't be bothered to do it another way. He definetely satisfies my needs in bed, we get on well and he has alot going for him but I'm not sure if this lazy thing is normal and what can I do to kindly but firmly change it.. What would you do in my situation? Thanks

[Rayana]

I would run for my life. As far away from him as possible. If he cant be bothered to make an effort for you then he's better off being chucked out.

[Dako]

Either dump or bite him, or both.

You're being used.

[NJRon]

I agree with Dako... sounds like a user to me.

[arwen]

Girl, he doesn't seem to contribute to your happiness at all. I'd break up with him if I were you. I was with a guy who lost interest after a month, and he drove me nuts. He seems even too lazy to break up with YOU, I think. You are far too good for him, don't do this to yourself!

 

Ilse

[Darketernal]

A nice life lesson = Love has got to go both ways.

 

Your nothing more then sexual gratification for him. A relationship is a continues investment which involves giving and taking. he's only taking and a user as other people have mentioned.

[frenchie]

OK maybe this is going to sound harsh but there are numerous references to him "making" you do things but equally have you considered he may be doing this because YOU LET HIM! wheres your self respect girl!

Why would you want to waste your time "changing" this relationship? this guys not going to change hes got everything just the way he wants it, why would he need to change?! like you say yourself he cant be bothered, you are worth far more go out and get it and leave this loser to fester!! this is no relationship its just sex and if thats what you both want then no problem, however I have a sneaking suspicion that you are not happy.....

[Dako]

It's only been 30 days with this guy. Is this worth working on, or chalking up to experience?

[Miss M]

Should I put up with this?

NO......

 

 

Would you?

NO......

[sibling295]

Kelly,

I dont want to sound rude , so please dont take this the wrong way.BUT

Is that your pic ? Your are considered a minor. Please dont post pics of yourself , you never know what some freak could do. Also , as far as the sex/BJ's go - STOP doing them!

You are 16 years old , still so young !!! Please enjoy life , you dont owe him a blow job everytime you see him.

I would stop calling him alltogether.

Only respond casually when he CALLS YOU.

You will see how much he cares about you then.

And BTW- A blow job is a treat - not a necessity. ( When you are older!)

Please dont take this age thing wrong.

I am just concerned for your safety!

I am an overprotective aunt, okay!

[KellyWyndham]

I understand the advice and I'm definetely taking it on board but you know when it's just not that easy to end things? He does have good points: he takes care of me, we have so much in common, he opens up to me, conversation flows so easily and we've felt completely comfortable round eachother since day one. Plus (I know this sounds petty) he's an AMAZING kisser and physically is my dream guy. I know he has the potential to treat me better because he used to. Might this relationship be worth working for? I don't want to throw away something that could make me happy. He's had three really long term girlfriends so that says something? To be honest, I'm just desperate to hang on to him but I think it's me whos pushing him away. My last boyfriend dumped me cos I was too needy. Isn't there anything I can do to keep him more interested like he used to?

[NJRon]

To be honest, I'm just desperate to hang on to him but I think it's me whos pushing him away. My last boyfriend dumped me cos I was too needy.

 

You answered your own question. You were too needy, so your last bf left. You are desperate to hang onto this one. You need to get out of the desperate mode.

 

You're acting desperate, so make him do the work. Try to start my not giving him a BJ every time he comes over... he isn't even working for it. You're acting like a booty call.

[frenchie]

He takes care of me

 

By making you give him a blow job, by making you go on top cos hes too lazy, how exactly is that taking care of somebody?

 

We have so much in common

 

How have you arrived at this conclusion, has he maybe told you that?

 

I know he has the potential to treat me better because he used to.

 

So why dosent he now?

 

To be honest, I'm just desperate to hang on to him but I think it's me whos pushing him away

 

Again I strongly suspect this guy has told you that and is feeding all of your insecurities

 

He's had three really long term girlfriends so that says something?

 

Too right!!! he cant commit, why did he/they end it, ever considered it might be for all the reasons you have issues about?! equally ask yourself how can so many people be worng about this LOSER!

 

Sweetie you are 16 years old and in an abusive relationship, be strong hold your head up high and walk away from this guy, he is nowhere near as commited to this supposed relationship as you are, ask yourself why that might be. Yes you will feel crappy, but look at what you have learnt from this experience, believe me kissing someone who is as into you as you are into them will feel a million times better than anything you will experience with this guy

[Miss M]

He's had three really long term girlfriends so that says something?

Is he also your age? What do you mean by "long term"?

 

To be honest, I'm just desperate to hang on to him but I think it's me whos pushing him away. My last boyfriend dumped me cos I was too needy. Isn't there anything I can do to keep him more interested like he used to?

You sound like you don't value yourself, and you're trying to feel worthy by being with this guy. I hope you can learn to like yourself without needing to get that from a guy.

 

Isn't there anything I can do to keep him more interested like he used to?

Maybe think about what HE should be doing to keep YOU interested. This sounds too one-sided.

 

And you've only been with him one month and he's already neglecting you. Sweetheart, it really won't get any better from this point... only worse. The best part (the honeymoon) is already over, never to return.

[KellyWyndham]

He took care of me when he bought me and my friends lunch one time and once walked with me an hour to the hospital and then waited for ages so i could get the morning after pill..

He always asks if I need anything when I come over etc..

We have so much in common as far as films and music and we have the same humour.

his girlfriends were each like a year long so he must be able to commit...

 

but i do understand that in some ways he can't be bothered to make an effort for me and obviously doesn't respect me. so i've decided not to talk to him until i see a real change made on his part. Maybe i'm waiting for something that will never happen but at least this way i get some dignity back. thanks guys

[Miss M]

He took care of me when he bought me and my friends lunch one time and once walked with me an hour to the hospital and then waited for ages so i could get the morning after pill..

He always asks if I need anything when I come over etc..

We have so much in common as far as films and music and we have the same humour.

his girlfriends were each like a year long so he must be able to commit...

 

but i do understand that in some ways he can't be bothered to make an effort for me and obviously doesn't respect me. so i've decided not to talk to him until i see a real change made on his part. Maybe i'm waiting for something that will never happen but at least this way i get some dignity back. thanks guys

I'm glad you've decided to not talk to him. I learned that people who treat us badly always throw in a generous dose of good treatment in the beginning. If they didn't, they'd never have any companions at all, so they've learned how to be nice in order to get something from someone else. And that good treatment in the beginning... that's how they hook us, but they can't keep it up for long and soon things start changing. And we have to have enough self-respect to leave them when we see that they can't maintain that good treatment, or when it isn't consistent. And when we don't value ourselves, we're very grateful for the little scraps of affection they offer us, and we hang around hoping, and longing, for more... but I know that's a real waste of time because the best is already overwith.

 

I know it's very difficult to believe it when you're in the relationship, but guys like him really don't get better over time. It's all downhill from here-on. And what you're giving him is truly worth a LOT more than what he's giving you. I hope you can learn to value yourself and not settle for scraps and neglect.

[KellyWyndham]

You summed it up. i just hate this part, moping around wishing things were like before. i text him last night like he told me to and he never replied anyway, so maybe he's ignoring me. a decent guy would finish things properly. i geuss it's over, still not realising what it all means.

 

people who treat us badly always throw in a generous dose of good treatment in the beginning.

 

that makes the pain worse, memories of the 'good days' make it so hard to let go. i thought i'd found something perfect then it was taken away. i became weak, lost control and put myself through so much just incase this was a phase. now i'm so angry but still miss him, long to be with him. it'll take ages to get over him and i don't want to meet anyone else. i loved having someone but now i'm so lonely and depressed.

 

you're right, i became grateful for anything; a kiss, a nice word. why do guys run away when things get serious? he adored me in the beginning. they promise the world but in the end im not enough for them. i know i let guys have the power to walk all over me but why do they want to?

 

Now how am I supposed to pick up the pieces..

[Dako]

why do guys run away when things get serious? .

 

They don't all do that. You'll find a keeper if you look for him.

[Miss M]

i just hate this part, moping around wishing things were like before.

That's very understandable. I also have done quite a bit of "moping" and "wishing" for something that seemed wonderful when it really wasn't. If you've got good and supportive friends who love you and treat you well, this would be a good time to get with them... let them help lift your spirits... take your mind off that loser.

 

people who treat us badly always throw in a generous dose of good treatment in the beginning.

that makes the pain worse, memories of the 'good days' make it so hard to let go. i thought i'd found something perfect then it was taken away.

It only seemed "perfect"... but it really wasn't. So it (perfection) wasn't actually taken away... it was never there in the first place. Think of it like a mirage, an illusion. It evoked warm and good feelings in you because you took it to be real, but since it wasn't ever there in the first place, you haven't really lost anything except your belief in a mirage.

 

i became weak, lost control and put myself through so much just incase this was a phase. now i'm so angry but still miss him, long to be with him. it'll take ages to get over him and i don't want to meet anyone else. i loved having someone but now i'm so lonely and depressed.

And all of the is perfectly normal. I'm sorry for your confusion and pain, but I do understand because I've been through the same thing plenty of times. Try to keep reminding yourself that you deserve better, that what you have to offer a guy is precious, and worth a lot more than what that guy gave you.

 

you're right, i became grateful for anything; a kiss, a nice word. why do guys run away when things get serious?

Like Dako said, they all don't do that. Unfortunately you found one who does. Also unfortunately there are plenty more just like him, so it's a good idea to value yourself so you don't fall into their traps. Don't give so much of yourself at the beginning of the relationship. And try to realize those favors guys are doing for you often have strings attached. And as best you can, try to save the sex (and all the rest) until much, much later. That alone will help weed out some of the ones who really don't care much about you. Telling a guy "no" and then paying attention to how he responds to that will teach you a lot about his ulterior motives.

 

i know i let guys have all the power to walk all over me but why do they want to?

The simple answer is that they're selfish slobs. Unfortunately many of us have been caught by their wiley ways. Again, remember that not all guys are like that. Your job now is to learn how to tell the difference.

 

Now how am I supposed to pick up the pieces..

Sweetheart, I know it's difficult, but you can really do it. You've got a long life ahead of you so you might has well start working on that self-esteem right now. Like I said, try to remind yourself that you're too valuable to give yourself to someone who treats you carelessly. Pay attention to the clues. And stay around people who consistently think highly of you. Choose your friends and acquaintances carefully. You're a bright young woman, and I have faith that you can pick yourself up from this and move on to something much better.