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Absolutely mortified that i blew it! Maybe a lesson for everyone else-Please help! Lo

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He's been divorced for a couple of years. The ex wants him back, though, as constantly shows up, cries, begs, pleads, etc. (though for a while she had somebody else and wasn't doing this --- this was in the early months of our relationship, so it seems directly tied to our falling apart) She started coming back around, and he started pulling back from me. The funny thing is, I'm not worried about her at all. I just don't see that working. I'm more worried about his need for other women and his disregard for me right now.

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I'm leaving my office for the day, and I don't have internet at home right now, so I won't be able to communicate until tomorrow. I wish I could check in with you later, because I know I'll be needing it --but I'll try to hang strong. I am having extreme physical withdrawal from my ex at this point.

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I feel like an alcoholic calling a sponsor --- I need a drink, don't let me do it! As this silence extends between me and the ex, I start to panic. Hopefully, ;he will also be panicking a little, though, if he has any time between juggling women. Damn that makes me mad. Okay, I know I don't need this. I am about to put dinner in the oven at a friend's house, and then I am going home to change and go for my 4-mile walk. I'll come back over here for dinner, and then I'll go out for a bit and socialize. Or at least sit at the bar and observe and be seen. You know what's funny. Just before I confirmed the breakup, a fellow was showing some interest in taking me out and had asked me to meet him and some friends at a local bar just to hang out --- well, I went, and when I got there he was waiting outside, so when we walked in it looked like we were together. My point is that one of the women who has seen P. out with other women and thinks he's a jerk for treating me that way said, "This fellow is so much cuter than P." And it's probably true. You know, P. dropped those "friends" (women he was sleeping with) when he met me, so obviously they weren't enough for him. And he stayed true blue with me for 4 months, so I had something he wanted. I hope today he is realizing that life without me might not be complete.

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Yes, he will, Curly- and i don't mind the sponsor line because in many ways this forum is about taking your own control back and giving the rest back to the universe. Corny as that sounds.


Take it Curly- get 3 in rotation! I wish i had followed this advice with my own P but it's not too late for you. Think through that drink- be it men or real liquor!

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You know what book to really get? It helped the hell out of me. It's called, "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken". I downloaded it on my iPod and listened to the whole thing in one night. It's everything I needed to hear, seriously.


Whatever you do, do not take the blame. We're human, we all make mistakes.

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Blues and Curly,


I have been following your stories and I feel your pain.


Blues - I have been where you have been, crying, begging and pleading to get back together, no matter what. I took all the blame and said anything to make him want me back. Me telling him how much I loved him and that no one else would love him like I would. I was so ashamed. It's like breaking up all over again.


Curly - The waiting game is the hardest. I'm rooting for you, and sending the letter was a good idea. You got your feelings out without putting any pressure on him. The ball is in his court.


Keep us posted and good luck


You are not alone



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I'm feeling a little more up today than yesterday, for sure. I'm trying a few positive affirmations from Positive Solitude because one of my problems is obsessive negative thoughts. I am purposely trying to avoid affirmations that have to do with my ex, so these are the ones I have for today:


"There are many ways to accomplish my goals."


"I am willing to try different approaches to life."


"I can adapt to the changes life brings my way."


I am writing in my journal every day and continuing to read from The Art and Practice of Loving.


Some jewels from that book for today that DO pertain to the ex, when I get tossed about by thoughts of him:


"Visualize yourself, the next time your approach this person, determined to look beyond his/her flaws, to value and enjoy his other features. Carry the visualization through to a satisfactory end. Visualization is a useful way of rehearsing an activity in advance that otherwise might be dominated by your old habits. Then, when you next confront this person, love him despite his flaws. He contains a gift --- the opportunity for you to love him and to learn to love in the process. It is just one challenge for loving out of an endless number of such challenges. Schedule acceptance breaks during the day in which you notice which features of life are not meeting your conditions for loving, and deliberately accept rather than resist them. In time, change these to loving breaks in which you determine to love whatever is in your life at the moment."


I'm going to give it a shot.

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That's a good one Curly.


In my situation, i'm still struggling with the notion of justice, though. I find it difficult to swallow the past and continue working with this person as if nothing happened. It's 3 1/2 years of history, love, sweetness, then violence and then a court case!! If there was nothing left holding me back- i would leave this town. But our shared "baby" is this band. It's not a garage or a weekend hobby band. We have a contract, management, a CD almost out. All that.

Something tells me i'm stuck because i never felt full closure. And of course many people say that i should have gotten closure the first time he hit me, but i'm past that. What will give me closure is giving his crap back to him. No, not revenge- i just want to give it back to him. I just don;t know how. After the way i went off- why would he want to sit down and listen?


Perhaps my only alternative is a letter- whether or not i give it to him or just float it with a candle down the river- i need to give the pain that he caused me back because it should not belong to me and yet i still keep it. The pain of a failed relationship belongs to 2 people. But the pain of abuse should belong to the person who fired the missile.


I don't know Curly. It is a new day. We all have chances for new beginnings. I want to share in your optimism. I want to feel that too!!!

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I'm forcing my optimism, so don't feel intimidated. I just really have to find a way to cope or I'm afraid I'm not going to make it. I hate to sound pathetic, but I actually tried to hurt myself twice last week. I've never done this before though I've thought about it. I tried cutting myself with a knife, on the wrists. I couldn't get the courage to do more than surface cuts, and it was really no big deal as far as damage goes --- except emotionally. I mean, this is extremely unhealthy behavior. It's about me not loving myself!!! Come on, we can get another loser by sundown. We've gotten stuck on these guys when the real issue is we have got to get a better view of ourselves and of this world and find a way to survive and be healthy. I have a beautiful 15 year old daughter who I want to see happy and in love and having babies, etc. I want to be around for that. I've got to get myself in an emotionally healthy state whether I ever have romantic love again or not.

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Curly, this saddens me that you feel in so much pain. Is cutting yourself something you have always done to try to cope- or is this recent? I'm seeing a really good couselor right now- it helps. Of course, i'm going to have to explain my recent behavior, but what a good counselor or psychologist can do is help you get to the root cause of it all. Does your job have good insurance?

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In the past 4 or 5 years, I have at times fantasized about hurting myself, but I have never done anything until last week. When I did what I did last week, which though it sounds terrible and was a dramatic situation, did not result in any serious damage --- I was in a state of panic and feeling abandoned and alone in the world; I was drinking Jack Daniels straight (which I never do either), taking pills, doing anything to stop the terrible feelings --- and I couldn't get any relief, so I finally became so frustrated that the temptation to hurt myself and maybe shock myself out of where I was came about. Does any of that make sense?

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I've only lived here for five months, and I don't have any close friends or family. Before that, I lived in a bigger city close by for a year while still working in this town (just driving 30 miles each day). I've been unable to get really close to anyone here, and that's why I was so happy when I met Paul and we started (I thought) to build a relationship. My life was full, and I didn't need to be with him every minute or anything. I was just so happy. Now I'm back to square one, and really miserable tonight, by the way ---but no money for drinking and I don't have anything to help me sleep but Nyquil, which I'll probably take later anyway because on top of everything else I'm having an allergy attack.


Wah wah. I've come back to my office to talk to you guys and to read from The Art and Practice of Loving, which is an uplift.


I just picked it up and turned to the page that says "Speak Positively." "Negative speaking, both out loud and inside your head, fuels crises. So replace it with positive expressions of joy or love. Even if your physical reality seems a disaster, you can force words of appreciation to drown out self-pity, fear, and anger. Replace the negative voices in your head with a positive mantra. Assert that the trouble is a gift, a new beginning, a wake-up call, a challenge, or a new opportunity to love; then live up to your assertion. " I'm finding this one hard to do. Okay, well, I can choose to see this as a challenge and as an opportunity to love Paul 100% from way over here, I guess.


Here's something else. "When you are holding fear in one hand and love in the other, choose love. In a crisis, too much seems to ride on the outcome of your choices. The intense story line in your drama makes it hard to reflect calmly about the consequences of various alternatives. Your sense of perspective is distorted, and your choices can easily reflect your anger, self-pity, or fear. Even in a most dramatic crisis, however, you can step back and examine your alternatives. Do not ask which one you would feel like choosing at the moment. You may not want to make the growth choice, the gracious choice, the forgiving choice. You may not want to take other people's feelings into account when you feel fear or pain. In crisis your feelings lose their value as guides. Instead, ask "What is the loving choice here.?" This may not settle the decision, as there are all kinds of love. But it will at least hold you on a path of loving and keep you from making choices that you will later regret, choices that add to a negative spiral."

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I think Kate is trying to say, have a good, long cry then you might feel better. I know how bad I feel when I hold it in, thinking I'm being strong, but when I let it out I feel better. It's like an outlet for the bad feelings we have.


I had spent the night feeling lonely and sad, but I had refused to cry. I ran accross a mug in a box with my ex bf and myself on it, smiling, looking like the happiest couple. Let me tell you, I burst into tears and couldn't stop but once it was over, I felt a sense of relief. I'm not saying then all was well in the world after that, but crying lets out the pain and frustration.


I think that was what Kate was trying to say, she was only trying to help.

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I see. I wish the crying made me feel better, and maybe it does, temporarily. What I am feeling is more of a vacuum in my soul at the moment --- an incredible emptiness. I know it's about more than Paul; it's about every loss I've ever had. It's just that I felt so good about this one. We were going to make it! But it's the same old story, I know.

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I agree. If i may take a leap, it seems deadening the pain is only a temporary escape. Cutting yourself and drinking doesn't remove anything. Believe me, i've done it too (drinking). I know, I know- who wants to really tap into the pain? It's scary, it's real, and sometimes more about ourselves than the other person. We're all alone with that- no one to take it away.


Strange, though, it is necessary. One good cry wont take it all away- but its a start. It;s healthy- our bodies have ways of taking care of themselves- if we let them. I'm fairly certain this is why we weren't born with liquor in the system.


I know, everyone's heard this before-but i like what you have to say, Curly, about channeling that energy into something positive. I love the fact that you're taking walks.


I'm really grateful that i have a unique way to express what i feel- onstage, singing the blues and really feeling that soul. What is also so gratifying is that the music i'm singing is my own and every person in that room and every person in that band can relate to it and FEEL it too. Every person in that band INCLUDING my ex.


IT's not about just singing a song and getting a nice hand clap. It's about testifying. And you know you're successful when you've got other folks - other human beings who have been their- nodding their heads and jumping up and down. I take that microphone and move into the crowd with it i get into personal space with other people. People are shocked at first, sometimes afraid but it's an incredible connection because i care about every person in that room. I can say this is why people pack our shows.


This may sound like a complete ramble- but the thing is, though you have to go through it on your own, late at night- you're still not alone in the world. Music helps, painting helps, exercise helps- whatever way you have to express it and release it. Do it.

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I just read on another thread the saying that we all know "If you love something set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be, if it doesn't it never was".


I know, I know it's so much easier said than done. Trust me, I know the NC and waiting is the hardest, but like Kate told me, move on with your life, have fun, do something for yourself then it's not really just waiting anymore. If he comes back then you can decide if he is worth wanting back. Waiting around for him, you are not giving anyone else a chance, someone who might worth be having.

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"To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it." Confucius


"Love thy neighbor, even when he plays the trombone." Jewish saying


"In order to love the people in your life more deeply, you will have to do so in spite of vivid memories of times they have been unlovable. People find many ways to hurt one another. When hurt, you experience the pain, you interpret it, often dramatically, and you remember it. You cling to your memories of what they did to you, of what you did back, and of what it all means. You resent them and blame them --- and yourself."


War in a relationship keeps you from living every moment afresh, because remembering or seeing the other person triggers mechanical reactions of denial, anger, blame, depression, guilt, how-could-I, how-could-you, if-only, regret, resentment, righteousness, sadness, shame, powerlessness, and wrongness. Your conflict separates you from the other person, and by getting caught up in being right and wrong you can justify even the most destructive behavior."


"It seems impossible to love people who hurt and disappoint us. Yet there are no other kinds of people."

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