aloneagain75 Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 I've been here before -- about a year ago, but forgot my password -- so now Im back with a different name.... I went thru a divorce about a year ago... my husband for 10 years went out one night and didnt come home. moved in with my best friend at the time. 5 months after he left me they got married. I was married at 19, we'd been thru hell and back together, he had cancer, just before we were married -- he or we fought and beat it. ..we went thru unemployment, college and all the things that make or break a marriage -- and survived it -- making us stronger... or so i had thought...we had tried for many years to have a child naturally, but due to his chemo weren't able to.... before we faced the infertility issue head on we wanted to make sure we were financially stable.... we would have finally been ready to this year... and he had left me a year ago. well him and his new wife got married and did the fertility thing right away she was pregant by april. I get home from work today and turn on the news... and there they were , had the first baby of the new year.... god that hurts like hell seeing that. I am so angry, upset, hurt and jealous. That was supposed to have been me. Why when I finally start thinking I can feel better about this all does something like this come up? and most of all why does it still hurt so bad. I want to be over it and him, want to move on with my life. I have a great boyfriend, but these things still hurt. I still feel like a failure that I couldn't make my marriage work. that I don't have a family. and every time i take a step towards healing i get pushed back like this. I just want to curl up somewhere and cry my heart out -- but i am so sick of crying over him... Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Hi Alone Again, I'm so sorry that you are feeling set back. I read your thread and really felt for you. It must be very tough to see. Did you ever see "the wedding planner"? It happened to Jennifer Lopez too, she ran into her ex, who left her for her best friend and when she saw them a year later, the best friend was pregnant. She was so crushed. I hope you know that you are worthy, and you are a beautiful person who deserves all the love and respect, and if your ex couldn't give that to you, it's his loss. Hang in there girl. You will get your chance to be happy and to have a family too. ((HUGS)) Link to comment
melrich Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Personally, I don't think that feeling of failure ever leaves you. Marriage is a big step, ending a marriage, I think, is an even bigger one. Couple that with the fact that you guys tried and failed to have children and that is some big issues you are throwing around. It really does not surprise me that you are still feeling lots of pain over this. I don't have any advice to help you get over it... that will happen with time... I just wanted you to know that I think your feelings are perfectly natural. Link to comment
LostInMyThoughts Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 aloneagain, I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. I am going through a divorce right now, and I've had to deal with these "setbacks." It's not YOUR fault that the marriage ended. You didn't fail your marriage. It was your husband who left and didn't come home. You didn't take him out into the woods and leave him there. Yes I know it takes two to tango, but you didn't fail your marriage. As for the pain, I think it's natural to still have those feelings. In fact, it's probably a good thing that you're not burying your emotions and insted supporting them. He was someone you cared about, and loved, and those feelings never really go away. I saw a recent picture of my ex-wife and I felt miserable for next few days. From my experience, I know that these setbacks get easier and easier. I'm glad to hear that you have a good boyfriend now. It doesn't sound like you're crying over him, just crying because of the sadness and hurt that he left you with, and I think thats okay. Have you just let yourself cry it all out? Link to comment
DN Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Yes, take that pain and hurt and sense of failure and all those negatives and use that emotional energy in a positive way by concentrating on your boyfriend. The best revenge is to be happy. Link to comment
aloneagain75 Posted January 3, 2006 Author Share Posted January 3, 2006 Just want to say thanx to everyone and thier advice and support. I feel so weak when I let myself get upset and hurt like this. I want to just be able to shut the dooe on it all and move forward like everyone seems to expect me to do. But It doesn't work that way. It does help to hear words of encouragement and support... thanx again... i know i'll get over this, but as soon as i think i am something like this reminds me how long of a road it is going to be -- i don't know if Im ever going to heal... Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Alone ..you sound like you need a BIGGGGGG HUG.... LostInMyThoughts is right..Your EX is the one who left you hanging in the wind. YOU did nothing wrong here....so please don't beat yourself up over this. Grieving is a VERY important step....it means you're one step closer to moving on... hang in there, and post if you need to Link to comment
aloneagain75 Posted January 3, 2006 Author Share Posted January 3, 2006 and stupid me is sitting here with the 11 oclock news on so i can see it again..... Link to comment
LostInMyThoughts Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 and stupid me is sitting here with the 11 oclock news on so i can see it again..... Ouch! Whammy DN is right, the best revenge is to be happy. Link to comment
aloneagain75 Posted January 3, 2006 Author Share Posted January 3, 2006 i have been happy, still have the "down" days. BUt overall they are becoming fewer and farer between. Im beginning to get used to having a new relationship, which has been difficult beacause what I had was ALL I ever knew. But i am making my best effort and learning a lot. It's hard to be happy with something new, when i was happy with what i had. But im working on it. my problem is when i do have these down days i tend to dwell on it and make myself more miserable. Its not just shed a few tears its an all night crying binge....but it is getting better... iknow time will heal this -- it's just taking a llot longer than i ever expected.... Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Turn off that TV girl! You wouldn't put your hand on a hot stove twice, would you? Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 YIKES!!!! (((BIG HUG))) Now that is just really really cruel - to see them on the news with the baby.... I would melt in a puddle on the floor. Hang in there! At least you have your great bf, and you'll have a baby, one way or another. adoption is always an option... Like the others said, it's important to grieve. You went through something really bad, so you have to get all the feelings out. Have you thought about therapy or maybe some self-help books? (((BIG HUG!!!))) You're going to be ok, eventually, one day. At least look forward to that day! Link to comment
Shadows Light Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 1st Baby of the New Year...OUCHIE.. what are the ODDS. Well.. I'll tell you. That should be a sign for you that YOU were not meant to be with him. You were meant for someone else. For something bigger and better. You've learned courage, wisdom and strength from your time with your "X"... it was NOT all for naught. Take all the learnings and LIVE. LIVE LIVE LIVE LIVE!!!!!... Get yourself up, dust yourself off... and lets get to it. The best revenge is a LIFE well LIVED. So... what are we doing this year???? Whats the plan?? what NEW thing will you try... What adventures are you going to have this year??? Remember...look forward ... not back... Sending you big big big cyber hugs!!! Link to comment
aloneagain75 Posted January 3, 2006 Author Share Posted January 3, 2006 i know -- im trying to move forward. Its not all that easy - when i was happy with what i had. But Im making an effore. My big problem is i feel so rushed -- Im almost 31 and just starting over. Want o find that perfect person, get married again and have a family -- and that biological clock is ticking VERY loudly!! I feel like im running out of time -- I feel so OLD at 30!! sorry im probably sounding stupid -- just needing that shoulder to cry on... Link to comment
melrich Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Not to belittle your feeling or anything but at 31 you do have plenty of time. You know here in Oz the average age for first time moms is now 29! Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 I guess "finding the perfect person" isn't as easy as just going grocery shopping. It's hard. Give yourself some time. Do you want to find the perfect person? or is it important to you to have a baby now? you can always just have a baby by yourself, if that is what you want... cry all you want here. It's ok. Things will only get better from this point on. Link to comment
alonebutnotlonely Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Just caught up with this and WOW!!!!!!!! I am so sorry you are hurting, but that is OK. How could you spend that much time with someone and see that and not react? I think it is perfectly normal to still grieve. Someone told me that healthy grieving was 1 month for every year you were together. That allows necessary healing time but does not let it rule our feelings. FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS!!!!!! I have a book I read daily and the other day it said "We are NEVER starting over. We are moving forward in a perfectly planned progession of lessons." I thought that was good and I thought I would pass it along to you. Link to comment
Cherokeelion Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Hey.... ouch, my friend. Yikes and wow, yes I think anyone would feel the rug yanked out from beneath them in those circumstances. It's normal to feel the hurt... the trick is to not let it distract you from the blessings you currently have in life. Grieve.... stomp, be mad and let it out. Then go get some ice cream with your guy and stay busy making your new life better. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Hey Girl, Don't feel bad. Have a look at all the celebrities that don't have first babies till their late 30's. Women are safely having babies into their late 30's and even early 40's.... You have a great window here. I know what you mean though. I am 30 too and not married yet, and would love to marry and have a family, and I feel that clock ticking. I am back in school for the second time and will graduate this coming December. Once that's done, I suspect I will feel the pressure more. I have to keep reminding myself that lots of women give birth later in life, and that we have time! I think of my mom, who had her last baby at 40! Hang in there girl! ((HUGS)) Link to comment
aloneagain75 Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 thanx again for everyones help, thoughtful words and support. I am feeling much better today. My boyfriend and I had a nice long conversation and I know how wonderful of a man I have found. Although I know he gets his feelings hurt by me still grieving my divorce -- he puts that aside when i need his arms around me. It still hurts when i think of my ex moving on and being happy without me. But then i look at myself and I could be very happy myself if i'd just let myself. which i am trying to do....It's only been a y ear sonce the divorce, so i guess these feelings are still expected -- they are getting fewer and fewer. So I guess I am moving forward -- Its just too slow for me but just wanted to say thanx again to everyone and let you all know that you really helped me express some emotions and feelings... i appreciate it .... Kathy Link to comment
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