The big New Year Upset

[sibling295]

Well , many on this thread know my story -

dating 2 years , he dumped me ,broke up for 2 months, got back together its been since a little before thanksgiving.

Anyway things are good except old story still creeping in. I want to get married. He knows this . And well on News Years Eve guess what happened- a real story out of a horror flick. His best friend gets on his knees and PROPOSES to his girlfriend. I was in shock . He had a beautiful ring and everything. I was in shock. They have only been dating a year . I was in shock.

Anyway if you all can imagine i am still in shock.

Why not me ? He came back , he didnt want me to be with another man.I know he loves me. Why wont he do it????

i have brought it up since news years - he says we are not ready.

Oh i am soooo tiffed.

Anyway - i have some new goals here this year. No more being his servant. I told him forget me cleaning his house or doing hios laundry. He can afford a housekeeper - i told him to hire someone. I amnot his wife, so i wont do it. Boy did he seem unfazed. He was like okay i will call someone in then. No big deal. UGGGGHHHHH....

We are fairly new getting back together. Although things are good i just cant get over this. I want to have a family. This was a major concern and part of the reason he broke up with me. We are talking allot of things out now and i am learning on how to compromise , but i cant get over this.

I am still in shock over the proposel. I cant believe it . She is soooo lucky today. I am dwelling on this. This morning when we woke up , i was like oh god she is looking down on her ring right now. Its not fair. He and i have been dating longer. And we are getting along so well . ughhhhhh.........

He is 40 years old, why wont he commit to marriage.

I refuse to move in with him. So that will never happen. I want a ring first i told him. Oh and the past 2 weeks he has been talking about buying a new boat . HELLO???? Inside my mind , all i can think about is why not spend that money on a ring.

I really need help in how to deal with this. Its driving me crazy !!!! Seriously i am very unhappy. I want to stop acting like a child , but its hard.

any suggestions?

Sib

[nataliejulie]

Don't force him into it. Why marry someone if it was forced?

 

People get married when they are READY. There is no time line involved, just when they feel ready. Even though you may feel ready, he may not. It may take some time for him to feel comfortable to head down the aisle.

[DN]

I just re-read your previous thread from November about when he asked you to get back with him. Judging by the major issues that you raised there just a few short weeks ago, I would say that it is way too soon since your break-up and reconciliation to be talking about marriage. It seemed to me then that you both had a lot of work to do and needed a good long time to do it.

[sibling295]

i know its too soon . I am just sooo miserable since his friends proposel right in front of me , i was shocked. I am still in a state of shock. Its all i think about. I am obsessed. I cant stop saying its not fair. Why am i even saying this. How stupid am i??? Its not fair??? I sound like a child.

[sibling295]

A friend of mine told me to drop this . Wait until June. Another 6months. By that time it will be 2 and a half years. Plus about 8 months of back together. Does this sound like a good idea?

Can i still secretly buy bridal magazines?

[sibling295]

the worst thing too is this doesnt even faze him. Like he just called now " Hi gorgeous, whats on the agenda tonight? "

and i want to scream " Oh i dont know ,how about looking for a wedding chapel"

 

He is just fine and i am MISERABLE. Why did his friend have to do that. Why did it have to happen in front of me. GEEZZZZZ.......

I just want to take the steps in our relationship to move towards marriage. How do i learn that?

[DN]

First of all: realise what you already know- his friend did not propose to his girlfriend in order to upset you; he did it for different reasons altogether.

 

Second: your boyfriend may not even have made a connection with that and the relationship he has with you. To him they are not connected.

 

Third: Work on your relationship with love and affection and not recriminations and bitterness (even secretly). Make sure that he knows that you love him and want him. Behave in such a way that he will want to marry you because he loves you - not because you want him to, or because he feels he ought to.

 

Use this as a wake-up call about your own relationship and how you can make it better.

[Danny H]

I was with my wife for two years before we considered it, we finally married after we had been together for 7 years, it took me that long to want to do it.

 

When we finally got married I was really into it.

[OCD]

Well Sib,

I'll give the best advice I can...since you two just got back together I don't think it is a good idea to just jump back into marriage...He might not be ready for that quite yet. So just hang in there with him, perhaps talk about his long term goals as far as your relationship...what does 'he' see in the future with you two...Does he even want marriage? Some people I know are together and they never got married, and they've been together like 13 years and are happy...ask him casually what he wants down the road...If he says that he doesn't see marriage then you have your answer and will have to make a decision about that, cross that bridge when you get to it. Other than that don't pressure that issue too much or he might run...

So just talk about it, find out what he wants long term, don't push the issue and maybe after that don't talk about it for a while...if you don't maybe you'll get lucky and he'll bring it up?? I wish I had better news for you since you've helped me a ton...Let me know how it goes...Take care and like you told me....be strong and hang in there...

 

OCD

[sibling295]

Thank you for everyones thoughts.

I am going to pledge right now to make this a wake up call to make our relationship better. I have been writing things down in a journal.Something i started when we broke up. ( I highly reccommend writing!)

Danny what made you change your mind and then get into marriage?

[kellbell]

Hi Sib!

 

I agree with the others, repair your relationship with your BF before thinking about marriage. I remember you from a couple of months back and you 2 have been throught a lot and there is a lot of baggage you 2 need to deal with. I know how you feel about his friend proposing his girlfriend in front of you...I had three friends get engaged in the same month and I was with my ex for almost 4 years. That was hard for me. I understand how you are feeling in that sense. But all relationships are different and everyone is different. Take care and good luck with everything.

[sibling295]

Hey KB !!!

Happy New Year! Thanks for the reply.

Has anyone read Men are from Mars , women are from Venus? I dont know if its hokey or a valuable read.

[kellbell]

I have read parts of that book and some of it is worth thinking about but some of it isn't. There isn't a handbook to life but there are some things in those books that give you a different propsective and things to think about. It's worth checking out in the library.

[charliek]

Ok I was where you are today about 2 years ago. My bf and I had been together by then 3 yrs, I was graduating college and all of my friends were getting married. BUT our relationship had issues. . .I knew this. but i wanted to be married. . .I did what you did, told him I'm not cleaning his house, I'm not giving it up any more, thinking why should he have all of this and I don't get what I want. . .but see that's where the problem was. He broke up w/ me b/c he didn't want to deal w/ this anymore so I went to go talk w/ someone about my relationship issues. . . come to find out I finally found what I was looking for. . .the truth about a misconception about marriage. . .and I will share it w/ you for free since it cost me money!!

 

1) Marriage is what I wanted but marriage is not what WE wanted. A marriage is about two people uniting as one, not one person focing the other to be legally bound to them forever. Once the excitement of the wedding is over w/. . .then you have the rest of your life to live w/ the fact that YOU forced him to do this and you will NEVER know if he truly feels/felt that way for you. . .

 

2) Marriage, an engagement ring, a piece of paper that says we are married DOES NOT solve any issues that are in the relationship prior to the marriage/engagement. None of those things wipes your relationship slate clean. ALL of the problmes that are there now, WILL still be there once that ring is put on your finger. It may make YOUR world seem perfect b/c you got that ring, but in HIS eyes, the issues that were there before ARE still there but now he's just added a debt to the whole scheme by buying you a ring that you forced him to buy . . .resentment may and probably will occur b/c you told him what to do, he's realizing he's losing control of what he is allowed to do w/ his life and money, he starts to second guess what he's doing, and in the end it will back fire on you. . .he will end it!!

 

3) Just b/c you have a ring or a marriage, does NOT mean that he will change. ALL of the things you feel he does wrong now, are not going away.

 

These are 3 very hard lessons I learned and had to be told very bluntly to my face by someone outside of my circle of friends and him. . .Once I learned these lessons, I was able to build myself back up to WHO I AM W/ OR W/O him and not depend so much on him nor a ring to make me happy.

 

Within a month we got back together and were together for another 2 years and let me tell you we are now no longer dating b/c of WHO HE IS. . . and I am so glad that we never did get married

 

I have had a lot of friends go through divorce and it's way worse then just a break up. . .Trust me. Work on yourself, build up who you are and make sure HE is the one you want to spend the REST of your life w/. . .NOT just someone to have a wedding w/!!

 

Hugs. . .

[Danny H]

Danny what made you change your mind and then get into marriage?

 

 

You know it just suddenly felt right, it seemd the most natural thing in the world to do.

 

( and I always considered marriage a dying institution- oh well we are all allowed to change!!)

 

best

 

Dan

[newts]

Hi Sib,

 

I totally understand that you want to get married. Try to stop thinking about wanting to get married and pay more attention to making your relationship even better and stronger. I would wait for at least 12 months before making this commitment. Don't rush into anything too soon.

 

I was with my ex husband for 6 years before we got married, I didn't really want to get married but he did, I was miserable, i liked it when we were just in a relationship - no pressure, hence, we divorce 2 years later.

 

I felt as though my husband pushed me into marriage and I sort of resented him for that. Don't push, it will happen when you least expect it.

[sibling295]

thanks guys,

Charlie - I LOVE free advice!!!

You all make sense. I am seriuosly going to make an effort on our relationship. I know its not right to push him. Or nag him. Since we have gotten back together i am doing lots of new things. I def give him space and stopped the dependancy on him. It has really made a difference. He is a new person too more loving and like i said its all been uphill but this marriage thing is still the big bang.

I am def obsessed with it. Its all i think about.

I cant tell you how many times i have googled " why he wont commit"

LOL!!!!

So in the end here , new year , i am making a vow to stop - i have to - its making me crazy.

I even deleted all my wedding web sites. ( I am keeping my books- yah know for the future, of course) hahaha

Thanks again everyone.

[ocrob]

Hi Sib,

 

I suggest that you don't worry about marriage right now and build a foundation for your relationship. You don't want him to feel pressured and bail or to marry you and have a miserable marriage. My ex mentioned marriage many times and I just was not ready, but knew she was the one I would want to marry. Well, she decided she did not want to wait and broke up with me. Now that I look back, marrying me was not the issue, but getting married was. Once we broke up, she was engaged after three weeks. It did not work out and then she went through a phase where she did not want to date. We did start dating again and I pressured her too much for a commitment. I don't talk to her now, but I know she is dating. She may or may not marry him, but if t hey do, then I hope it is because they both love each and are ready.

[sibling295]

thanks ocrob!!

I need to hear more stories like that to keep me awake!

Happy new year to you

sib

[coooolsome]

You dont want him to marry you if his heart isnt in it. He loves you and you will be married but the time isnt right at the moment. You guys just got back together and you have to treat it like a new relationship and not many people get married after 3 months. Give it time and work on your relationship for the time being.