Overcoming emotional baggage

[smorgie]

How do I overcome my emotional baggage. I never used to have these issues. I was in an on again off again relationship where the guy would constantly break up with me out of the blue. I'm sure he had his reasons, but while we were dating, he never would tell me he had issues with our relationship, and then all of a sudden just dump me and all of our problems he was feeling with us. I really really loved this guy, and he would break my heart all the time. It was the hardest relationship I've ever been in (emotionally). It wasn't a fair situation. Everytime I would ask if everything was going okay with him, he would always say it was great, and then boom, a month or two later, break up with me and tell me all the things that were wrong. I've finally escaped the on again off again relationship with him....(it was extremely hard).

 

Now over a year later, everytime I try to start something with someone new I have a subconscious dialogue working against me. No matter what anyone tells me about how great I am, or how much they like me, I have a deep intense feeling that they are lying, and they are going to dump me out of the blue. Ive casually dated a few people since then, and it didn't go that well....I did start seeing someone in September and I pretty much self manifested it so we only lasted a few weeks because he felt that I never really got that close to him because I kept on thinking he was going to leave me.

 

This is ridiculous! Now I've met someone totally great, and although he seems really into me, I keep getting this feeling that he is 'faking' it, or is going to change his mind about seeing each other. I don't want to mention my insecurities because that is not an attractive trait at all. But I'm playing way too many mind games with myself and its tripping me out, to the point I don't even know what my own reality of the situation is. I'm already convinced that he is secretly sick of me and waiting for the best time to break it off. The truth is, this guy is pretty amazing, I've never met anyone like him before, and I really don't want to screw this up.

 

How can I keep my emotions and insecurities in tact????

[Beec]

First, if you cannot control them, then you need to acknowledge your issues. Tell the guy, look, this is how it is and I am trying to work on it, but bear with me some. And, also let him know you need some additional reassuring. Tell him it sucks, but you were mislead, cheated on etc., and have some things you need to deal with. Howeve,r you won't get anywhere without some help.

 

Give him the knife, show him your throat and he will almost never cut you. Make yourself a little vulnerable, and he will show if he is or is nto trustworthy.

[smorgie]

Beec : I wouldn't mind telling the guy about whats going on with me, but it seems too soon to be laying it all on the table (we haven't been dating that long). I guess its true about showing vulnerability though.

 

 

do you have a link where I could read more on this???? I really wasn't looking to get into anything with anyone, but I feel when you meet someone and things click, it would stupid not to try. And I really would like this to work out with him.

[pineapple_juice]

I believe that most people have some self doubts ringing through thier heads as they go out on a date. You are not alone.

 

Maybe the reason your previous dates dumped you had nothing to do with you personally. Many people have this idea that "the grass is greener on the other side" and they may leave someone great because they imagine they will be better of elsewhere.

[smorgie]

Well what do you got??? At this point anything wouldn't hurt.

[Shadows Light]

the Voodoo doll thing.. OMG... it had me in stiches...

 

LOVE IT!!! and have added it to favorites... Thank-you very much.

 

 

Baggage.. lol.. I can relate. I have steam trunks of baggage.

[Mun]

I know this isn't an instant fix-all for your insecurities, but it's worth a try. Realize that what you have to offer is special to the other person--that's why they're with you. Remind yourself every day that you are worth it...until you start believing it.

 

Lot's of us have some form of emotional baggage, but not all of us show it. I had a friend who would say "fake it till you make it" with regards to self-confidence. It worked for her.

[smorgie]

thanks for all your help

[digitaldiva]

Wow, I have that same problem.... I never believe anything good that my boyfriend says about me. I mean nothing.... And it's the same thing. I'm expecting him to find something that he hates about me then dump me for it. I really think it's inevitable.. I mean he's around beautiful women all day long. It's only a matter of time before he finds someone better than myself.

[Mun]

I know what you guys are saying because I've been there too. I dated this one guy who is absolutely HOT. We'd be out and I'd get ugly looks from women. Has that ever happened to anyone? How messed up is that? I'm also older than him, so double whammy...heh

 

One thing I had to tell myself is that if he was with me it was because he wanted to be with me. I didn't do anything to get him to like me, he just did. Sure there were other women, but he was drawn to ME.

 

How I felt about myself reflected how he treated me. When I was confident and self-assured, he was attentive, funny, we had a great time together. If I was insecure and jealous, he would withdraw, it made him uncomfortable. Who wants to be around someone who feels bad about themselves and shows it?

[Jadtt]

Another thing to tell yourself...let the past be the past. You cannot let the insecurities you feel from past relationships deter any progress in your current relationships. Your past was different, it was a different period in your life with a different person. The present is a new beginning...and it deserves respect. Just keep telling yourself how awesome you are, don't hide who you are from anyone and you should do alright.

 

It's hard, when you've been in situations where a person hasn't treated you with respect. But, if you wallow in your past it will come up to haunt your present.

[ShySoul]

Good advice from all parties. I especially liked this:

 

Another thing to tell yourself...let the past be the past. You cannot let the insecurities you feel from past relationships deter any progress in your current relationships. Your past was different, it was a different period in your life with a different person. The present is a new beginning...and it deserves respect. Just keep telling yourself how awesome you are, don't hide who you are from anyone and you should do alright.

 

The past doesn't have to be the present and future. Live in the moment. Appreciate what you have right here, right now.

 

Also note that guys feel the exact same way. They are just as scared from past experiences. And that the people who treated you poorly, they are even more messed up then you. They were the ones with the problem, they messed things up. You weren't responsible for their actions and didn't deserve them.

[Caterina]

You remind me of me. Just relax, and don't overanalyze. If it doesn't work out, its nothing against you, it happens to people all the time. But, just have fun in the meantime. YOur insecurities are things to work on, but they are also a part of you...if he leaves you for that, then he is the fool.