Ever feel like you don’t really deserve anyone?

[seagate1556]

Ever feel like you don't really deserve anyone?

 

Yeah, sometimes it's a lack of self-esteem or confidence that makes us feel as if we don't deserve anyone special.

 

Unfortunately, however, there really is a small portion of people ( namely myself ) who fall within the bottom 1% of the bell curve. ( like if it isn't bad enough that we have to resort to this forum ) High self esteem or confidence won't cover up the shortcomings that people like myself have.

 

I don't have the attractive physiques or personality that make me desirable for anyone. I'm socially dysfunctional and never had the experience of being in a relationship. All of these are pure facts. Aspects such as high self-esteem and confidence are just a personal delusion and a lie. If you're not desirable, it is only natural for your self esteem to come down with it because everything happens for a reason.

 

As I'm getting older, I realized that most women do not date guys with relatively little experience in relationships. A lack of relationships is red flag that underlines your inability to attract people, be it your social skills or looks. In fact, women want a "social-proof" relationship and they get this by weeding out guys with little experience. But it hardly works the other way around and it's interesting how women with little experience in relationships aren't really turned by guys.

 

Guys of all ages are after the same type of women. A lot of guys on this forum seem to vent whenever girls tend to turn them down or embarrass them. Leaving the emotions aside, you really can't blame women for their rationale. Women are not obligated to return anyone's love and certainly have a right to choose guys out of a selection. Furthermore, some even probably had bad experiences with guys and thus they are right in whatever decisions they make.

 

It's difficult to have any self esteem if you don't have desirable traits and that's fully understandable. But forms of low self-esteem ( which you can't do anything about if you really have no reason to feel otherwise. But then again, you're only lying to yourself if you do have a high self-esteem ) make women highly manipulative. It's hard to believe but there were a couple women that expressed interest in me before. They were all unavailable to me, as they were already taken, but these were women confident in their personality and appearance. Yet, they tried expressing direct interest in me, as they were lured by my lack of self-esteem. Women enjoy the thrills of exploiting a guy's vulnerability and making him eventually long for what he could never have.

 

Unlike some of you posters here, I have to say that it is really possible to not be worthy of anyone. Some things aren't meant to be and biology/nature do not favor everyone. As oxymoronic as it may be, a low self-esteem would do a better job in making a guy attractive, as a doormat and a cheap trophy to bolster a woman's ego.

 

Anyways, are there any others here who feel the same way?

[Blayzed4Life]

Seagate you make some good points, and I can understand why you feel that way. I'm sort of in the same boat as you but I dont share your beliefs the way you do.

 

I dont believe that people dont deserve someone, everyone has someone out there for them it's just a matter of time. You have to be patient and not lose hope and have all these negative thoughts. I use to be like you have low self-esteem, I mean I still kinda do but I understand more what low self-esteem is. I've never been in a serious relationship before either but I doubt that I dont deserve someone. I know my character and my character is to be friendly to everyone give everyone a chance. I'm not saying that I trust everyone and am totally open about everything it just means when someone says something about me to not take it too personal. Everyone has their reasons for acting the way they do, yah there are jerks out there but their just not worth your time.

 

As I was saying I know in my heart that I am a good person and I would treat a women with the respect she deserves. I've maybe been mean to 3 girls my entire life and probably none in the last 5 years. I've made a couple girl friends but nothing ever really serious they were either taken or not interested. So you could kinda say I get taken advantage of a bit. But even though I get taken advantage of most girls still respect a guy who will do them favors when no one else will.

 

Yah sometimes I ask myself why the hell I do it but the only answer I can come up with is that I am a nice guy and as long as I am doing good I shouldnt feel bad and someday a girl will notice it and see me as more then just a friend.

 

So what I'm saying man is that your not destined to live alone you just think you are and I dont know for some reason women have an extra sense for that and can sense it and that drives them away. Just stay more posotive dont loose hope and work on your low self-esteem issues. I'm a skinny guy way under weight for my age, but I've been going to the gym for almost a year now not seeing the greatest results but I'm feeling healthier then ever before and I know it will pay off one day. Good Luck man.

[mgirl]

It's hard to believe but there were a couple women that expressed interest in me before. They were all unavailable to me, as they were already taken, but these were women confident in their personality and appearance. Yet, they tried expressing direct interest in me, as they were lured by my lack of self-esteem. Women enjoy the thrills of exploiting a guy's vulnerability and making him eventually long for what he could never have.

 

Well, to answer your original question... yes, i sometimes feel that i don't deserve anyone due to low self-esteem, but that is a whole 'nother story.

 

Basically, if somebody has shown interest in you, you shouldn't be cynical about it. Embrace the chance! Maybe this woman has seen something interesting in you, or else she wouldn't be pursuing you.

[registered]

Hey seagate....I have the same feeling too. I don't believe I deserve anyone and that no one wants me anyway.

(I sound just like you in the ways you have described)

It is NOT a rational feeling...it is NOT right.

 

I don't have the attractive physiques or personality that make me desirable for anyone. I'm socially dysfunctional and never had the experience of being in a relationship. All of these are pure facts. Aspects such as high self-esteem and confidence are just a personal delusion and a lie. If you're not desirable, it is only natural for your self esteem to come down with it because everything happens for a reason.

Your last sentence in there is something I have said myself - I have no reason to feel good - why should I?

 

We are wrong though.

 

I myself say that I don't have problems with self esteem and confidence...I say that these aren't the issues with me - it is the "facts" that I am this or that which are the issues.

But that is just BS...self-belief is the issue.

 

Why don't you think you deserve anyone?

From your post it sounds like you realise that your self-belief is what has held you back in finding someone...this is the crux of the whole thing - there is nothing holding you back but your self-belief.

 

The problem isn't with other people (including women!) - it's with you. I hate to sound blatant and rude but that's the only fact there is. The problem is self-belief.

Remember this applies to me too! I'm trying to overcome this too and if I can't admit to this then nothing will ever change.

 

I think your (our) problem is about self-belief and in my case fear.

As you would probably realise, you are just as good a guy as any other. So why shouldn't someone want you?

Also, maybe you aren't too happy with your physique...but this hasn't been a problem for anyone else who was simply confident and comfortable in themselves.

Don't feel ashamed of who you are - embrace it and love everything there is to love about you.

Self-esteem is not loving yourself because you look like / are Brad Pitt - self-esteem is loving yourself for being seagate1556.

 

Your self-perception is able to be changed believe it or not.

You also need to stop thinking you have "shortcomings"...you don't. You have differences to other people, some like shyness might make things a little trickier for you compared to other people, but none are shortcomings.

Also, you have good points and things others don't have that are positive too.

 

PM me if you want to chat - I know we are wrong lol, it's just a matter of putting that knowledge to good use.

[Blayzed4Life]

If you like reading read a book called "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyways"

 

It's a really good book and puts stuff into perspective.

[registered]

If you like reading read a book called "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyways"

 

It's a really good book and puts stuff into perspective.

cool, I'll read it! Thanks Blayzed4Life!

[Blayzed4Life]

heh np, helped me alot hope it does the same for you

[pineapple_juice]

For the original poster, you are fully capable of changing and becoming attractive to women if you really want to. Change is never easy, but it sure is rewarding.

 

When I was in high school, I was at the every bottom of the social hierarchy. There were "geeky" groups, but I was so far down that even the "geeky" groups wouldn't take me in. I was the most disliked person in the school.

 

After leaving high school, I decided that my life was not going to be repeat of high school, and that I was going to figure out how to attract girls. Now, 5 years after graduating as the most hated geek in high school, I now talk to hot girls on a regular basis. There have been some really hot girls who have really liked me.

 

I believe the same can happen to you. Here is some advise:

 

1. Don't be desparate, and don't depend on a woman to make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy. If you're not happy by yourself, you won't be happy with a woman.

 

2. Have a passion...a hobby, a cause, something you love doing.

 

3. Smile and make eye contact with every woman you see.

 

4. Learn to take some salsa dance lessons. I know, its embarrassing at first (or for a while)...but if you can master salsa, you will have girls dropping to your feet.

 

5. Get involved with something that helps children, esp. boys. I am a Big Brother, and whenever I tell girls that they are really impressed, because it demonstrates that children are important to me (most girls do notice that), but it does so in a "manly" way, which isn't too touchy feely....

 

6. When talking to a girl, ask her about her family, her career, her interests, where she has vacationed, her schooling, her hopes, her dreams, her worries, her opinions, her thoughs...but don't forget to ask her about her family...

 

7. Know what you want in life...what career you are aiming for, what you want to do. Maybe you need to take time to make a list of what you want and how you intend to accomplishment. Girls want someone ambitious and who knows what he wants.

 

I can give you some more tips later. Feel free to PM me....

 

Good Luck!!

[Relationship Coach]

SG,

Great thread and welcome! As you can clearly see you are not alone. Feel fortunate that you found this forum, there is nothing bad about being here. As a matter of fact you are already doing better than you were. This is a place where you can get the help and support that you need, think of us as your other family, minus the noogies and wise cracks, well maybe a few here and there. With that being said let's waste no time in addressing your issues.

 

I don’t have the attractive physiques or personality that make me desirable for anyone. I’m socially dysfunctional and never had the experience of being in a relationship. All of these are pure facts. Aspects such as high self-esteem and confidence are just a personal delusion and a lie. If you’re not desirable, it is only natural for your self esteem to come down with it because everything happens for a reason.

 

 

Your assessment of yourself is quite harsh. If you have not put yourself out there how do you know you are not desirable to anyone? High self esteem and confidence are qualities which are developed from experiencing success and possessing ability. These are not lies or delusions.

 

As I’m getting older, I realized that most women do not date guys with relatively little experience in relationships. A lack of relationships is red flag that underlines your inability to attract people, be it your social skills or looks. In fact, women want a “social-proof” relationship and they get this by weeding out guys with little experience. But it hardly works the other way around and it’s interesting how women with little experience in relationships aren’t really turned by guys.

 

 

 

For someone who does not date, you seem to think you know a lot about it. If you really want to bust this myth of yours, go to a speed dating event. They are all over the place and in a matter of 2 or 3 hours, you will of officially met and dated over 30-60 women depending upon the event format. Your limited sampling pool might have created this false data in your head.

 

You are very jaded and I'm sorry you have had it so rough. Your one single problem isn't your yellow dinghy buck teeth or that Quasimodo hump on your back, it's your belief system, it's all screwed up. You are begging to be kicked to the curb. I would not be surprised if your name was "Matt". Stop and think...why are you here? To rally the hideous zombies created by self inflicted pot shots that lie in wait of the arrival of their supreme leader, The Dark Knight of Pity...Sir SeaGate? No, you are here like 99.9% of all others, to get help, to find answers and ways to make life better. Open your mind to the possibility that you in fact are wrong. Your perspective of women is wrong. I'm surprised they haven't gathered with torches at the base of your castle. There are some fantastic women here that will be more than willing to help you and experienced guys as well. Just ask for help and believe that anything is possible. This thread is starting to follow the "Ugly Duckling" tale.

 

Set aside your assumptions (they will hang around and wait for you) and ask some questions.

[pineapple_juice]

Here are some more tips for the original poster:

 

1. Girls often will only open up to you once they see you talking with another girl. They need to feel that you are safe and friendly, and when they see you talking with other girls, this can really open the door...for example, one time I really liked this girl, but she was very shy, and even seemd distressed I was talking to her. So I stopped talking to her, and became really friendly with her sister...when she saw me chatting with her sister, she assumed I was a great guy, and she opened up and really wanted to talk to me...girls are like that. To attract a girl, befriend her friends (or sister) first.

 

2. Change your physical appearance. I went from having short and weird hair to long and curly hair, and I have been going around wearing a bright and colorful yellow hawaiian shirt. Man, I tell you that shirt gets girls!!!

 

3. Be confident. Like yourself, and girls will like you.

[seagate1556]

I think your (our) problem is about self-belief and in my case fear.

As you would probably realise, you are just as good a guy as any other. So why shouldn't someone want you?

 

Not to come as abrupt and defiant, BUT, it is really true that some of us have nothing to like about ourselves. I do admit that some of us can come off as being unique in that it is our faults that sometimes define who we are but this has nothing to do with desirability.

 

In the earnest sense, humans are not born equal and the outcome of genetics clearly show that. Humans don't grow up equal either. Whoever said that all humans are equally worthwhile was saying it only out of compassion and humanistic beliefs.

 

Don't feel ashamed of who you are - embrace it and love everything there is to love about you.

Self-esteem is not loving yourself because you look like / are Brad Pitt - self-esteem is loving yourself for being seagate1556.

 

Now, this I'm not too sure about. I'm not judgemental but I have seen even the most pitiful people go walking around naturally in happy-go-lucky moods. I guess self-esteem has more to do with how much you love life, but not necessarily for who you are.

[pineapple_juice]

Everyone has some good traits. Sometimes it just takes time to discover them.

 

Have you looked at the tips on getting a girlfriend? Are you going to apply them?

[alrightie_ms]

"

 

Nope! I honestly don't feel the same way...but i hope it is OK for you that we have agreed to disagree somehow. I am not being manipulative here, am I right, by your standard that is.

 

Take care and best of luck in your life SG!

[ocrob]

Here is what I love about this forum....I just read the thread and I wanted to help this guy. We are no longer in High School with our little popular groups and there are a lot of great people on here that can help each other. Seagate, I am guessing you are young, but just know that you can have an amazing future. You call yourself a nerd and guess what? Most of my VP's are nerds and have great careers, beautiful wifes and are amazing people. Being a nerd in high school sucks, but later in life you are the * * * *.

[pineapple_juice]

Amen to that !!!

[not_invincible]

I'm not that good a giving advice...but I'll try. I"ve also hit that stage in life where I need a girlfriend, but since I have very few friends in the first place, I'm always asking myself "why would anyone want me??"

 

Pineapple juice has some good tips in his list (I've been told by a couple different people that girls like salsa dancers.....don't ask me why), but lists are hard to follow; I thought I'd just tell you what I've done.

 

In order to like yourself you have to do some soul-searching...so to speak. If you want a very quick way to get into shape, join a cycling club (that indoor velodrome stuff, road cycling or mountain biking, depending on the weather) and start riding with the experienced guys; you probably won't meet girls here, it's just for getting in shape and possibly networking. I also joined a gym, which inconveniently only has senior male members....make sure you find one with women your age. If you have time, volunteer somewhere, to work on your people skills.

 

Others have been saying "love yourself, and others will love you"...it's not that simple. I think a person will only love himself after he feels loved by others. To feel loved you have to like what other people like (e.g. cycling).....I feel like I'm not making sense, so I'll end here.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Welcome seagate1556!

 

There was this episode of Three's Company where Jack felt bad about himself, his self esteem was at an all-time low, and Mr. Furley came over to try and cheer him up. Jack was leaving the apartment and headed somewhere into oblivion, and Mr. Furley started to butter him up, telling him that at least Jack was a successful cook, and that Mr. Furley failed everything he ever tried, his brother hates him, no woman likes him. After "buttering" up Jack he said, "Jack, when you leave for tomorrow, wait for me, I'll go with you!" and he ran out crying.

 

That's how I feel in this situation.

 

I tried to write something to say that you're wrong, but I agree with you 100%. My self esteem is probably lower than you can ever imagine. I don't think I am good at anything or worthy at anything. When someone gives me something, even money, I give it back because I don't think I deserve anything. However, deep down there is a small teeny tiny part of me that feels that I do deserve a woman in my life. But not just for me, but because I know I can make a woman feel special and make her feel safe, secure and enjoy the rest of her life.

 

The problem is, I know that I do not have the physical tools to get a woman. Despite what people say about confidence yada yada yada, if someone isn't attracted to you, then what chance do you have? A handsome man can obliterate all the confidence we radiate and reduce us to rubble. I have seen it time and time and time and time again. My best example is my best friend. He loathes everything around him and he gives off this attitude. Not all the time, but during his downtime when he's alone he looks quite intimidating, but still very attractive. AND he gets approached by women. There are even threads asking how to get that shy guy to get more confidence. I bet if he was ugly, they'd care less and move on. Never heard anyone ask advice on how to make that confident guy look better, probably because they could care less and they've moved on. If he's not attractive, why waste their time?

 

My attitude in High School wasn't like what it is now even though I saw all the good looking boys get the girls. But I had hope. I felt that my *ahem* personality and sense of humor would override my physical unattractiveness. In college I kept my hopes up. In my early twenties I kept my hopes up. In my mid-twenties, my hopes began to dwindle as I witnessed more and more good looking guys make little or no effort to get girls while nice ugly guys like myself are seen as just that and nothing else. Don't you just love it when they want to be "just friends?" That surely skyrockets your self esteem doesn't it?! It's nice to have tons of friends and no girlfriend, isn't it??!! ](*,)

 

I don't have the attractive physiques or personality that make me desirable for anyone. I'm socially dysfunctional and never had the experience of being in a relationship. All of these are pure facts. Aspects such as high self-esteem and confidence are just a personal delusion and a lie. If you're not desirable, it is only natural for your self esteem to come down with it because everything happens for a reason.

See, why do so many people feel this way? Attraction, infacuation and lust are too powerful for our confidence to make any difference. Although I have not had experience being in a relationship. I am not socially dysfunctional. But I have tons of "just friends." Whoodie mother f***in' doo!

 

I feel that I am in a dark cold abyss and there is an exit with a girlfriend waiting for me, but there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I am running around and around and around, using every path imaginable but I cannot find her. Then I realize that not only is she not there, but this abyss is an infinite sphere and no matter what direction I take, I end up back at the starting point, which is nowhere.

[Dating Coach]

This thread is another example of why Relationship Coach is one of my favorite posters. Great advice all around.

[seagate1556]

Here is what I love about this forum....I just read the thread and I wanted to help this guy. We are no longer in High School with our little popular groups and there are a lot of great people on here that can help each other. Seagate, I am guessing you are young, but just know that you can have an amazing future. You call yourself a nerd and guess what? Most of my VP's are nerds and have great careers, beautiful wifes and are amazing people. Being a nerd in high school sucks, but later in life you are the * * * *.

 

Haha, good one.

 

From what I've seen on this forum, I believe I might be a tad bit older than most of you. I'm light years away from high school. In any case, I realize that my problem really has more to do with myself than anything else. For me, I think there's a link between getting dates, my personal/social life, and my career. Self-esteem doesn't make up for my dysfunctionality and shortcomings.

 

I don't know what field you guys are in but I was previously an electrical engineer in lithography. I'm no longer an EE but the VPs ( and some of my immediate supervisors ) at my company were mostly liberal arts majors in college who knew how to make friends and get dates. These VPs were the same college students who were probably out playing frisbees while the 'nerds' like me had to stay indoors and keep working for that dream gpa to land a decent job or grad school. In my exp, the 'nerds' were the employees, not the bosses. From then on, I finally understood why my grade school teachers emphasized class participation and why I kept being teased and bullied for being the 'quiet' one.

 

While working at this company, all my co-workers routinely ignored me and my only socializing events were with my supervisors, to whom I was supposed to report my work to. Almost every day, I could hear my peers passing by and talking about their spouse, kids, cars, cell phones, or basketball, none of which were relevant to me. I never ate at the company's cafeteria and I was never invited to office parties. I was like a disembodied form of man who promptly came to work by 8 and left exactly at 6 in the evening, where my entire time was literally spent in front of my computer and lab space. I had perfect attendance but I don't think anyone would have known or cared if I died one day and didn't show up for work.

 

As for the work I was doing, I didn't mind doing it but this wasn't my idea of being an engineer. I also didn't fit in with the company and I wasn't going to get anywhere like this. I was also sick of technology and wanted to try out something radically different.

 

I then entered dental school, which was the weirdest thing ever. I am in my 3rd yr ( $225k in debt so far and still counting ) as we speak and I feel like I'm running around in circles again. Like in my past life, I have nothing in common and nothing to talk about with my classmates. Most faculty and students are so close to each other as to having each other's phone numbers. People don't understand why I'm always doing my labwork alone and why I appear so "quiet, neurotic, obnoxious, stuck up, and unapproachable." An oral surgeon once told me that he had never seen my kind before and said I'll never make it if I don't act like a 'man.'

 

Not all was lost, as I had some geriatric patients say that they like me because I seem to be "thorough, nice, and honest" and that is what they want in a dentist.

 

But then again, kids are afraid of me. Adolescents and adults seem indifferent about me. And my modest feelings were crushed when recently a 35 yr old male patient told me that he wished had a female dental student treating him. During an operative procedure, he kept turning his head around whenever a good looking female dental student was in vicinity. This dealt a big blow to me and I ended up feeling depressed up until yesterday.

 

I didn't realize that I typed so much. Anyways, do you think my career, social, and school lives are a reflection of why I can't get dates? Are there anyone here in similar shoes? Any feedback?

[Relationship Coach]

SG,

My dentist is a major player and I hate going to see him, not because he's a dentist but because he loves to brag about his exploits with multiple women. You're going to be a dentist, many people cringe at the occupation based mainly on pain, bad experiences or just the sound of the drill. Look if you were a mortition then I would say that your occupation was a set back but I just don't see it that way. You are obviously very bright and probably somewhat of an introvert wanting to live in the extrovert world. You can convert, it's up to you. See if this helps, I have faith in you.

 

How to Go From Introvert to Extrovert

 

As a child I was very introverted, often spending my time on the computer, reading, playing video games, or pursuing other solo hobbies. I’d spend time outdoors biking, exploring the nearby fields and hills (which today are filled with houses), or shooting hoops, but I’d usually favor doing these things alone or with people I knew very well. I never felt too comfortable around strangers, and I never cared for big family events. Psychological tests like the Myers-Briggs pegged me squarely as an introvert. Anyone who knew me would have described me as an introvert without a second thought.

Like many introverts I was pressured by others to socialize more. But I largely resisted this pressure, partly because I enjoyed being an introvert. I often viewed extroverts as lacking in intelligence and depth, and I can’t say I wanted to count myself among them.

However, over a long period of time, I eventually found myself becoming more and more extroverted. I embraced spending time with other people, went out of my way to meet new people, could comfortably introduce myself to strangers, and actually enjoyed it. The Myers-Briggs test now labels me an extrovert. To the people who know me today, this wouldn’t be surprising.

I’m not the kind of extrovert I envisioned as a child though. I feel I’ve done a good job balancing the introvert and extrovert parts of myself, such that I enjoy both types of activities equally. I feel just as comfortable staying at home reading a book as I do going to a new social event and introducing myself to people I’ve never met. I enjoy both group and solo activities, each for different reasons. Some weeks I’m far more introverted and mostly stay home with my family. Other weeks I have a full social calendar with an event almost every night. I enjoy both just as much.

In order to become an extrovert, I found that I had to overcome several blocks to being more extroverted. Chances are that if you’re in the same boat, you have some of these blocks as well.

Blocks to becoming an extrovert

• Undervaluing extroversion. Spending time alone and with people are equally important. If you’re very introverted, you may undervalue the positive role people can play in your life, such as knowledge, friendship, growth, laughter, and so on. The optimal outcome is to strike a balance between the two. You don’t have to give up the introvert activities you enjoy. In fact, when you balance them with more social activities, you’ll probably find them even more satisfying. After several nights of being around people, I really look forward to a night by myself to read, meditate, write, etc. And after lots of time alone or with my family, I’m itching to go out and be around other people.
  
• Underdeveloped social skills. Social skills can be learned like any other skill set. One reason introverts shy away from social activities is that they don’t feel comfortable because they don’t know what to do, especially if the unexpected were to occur. Being able to start up a conversation with a stranger AND feel completely comfortable doing it is a learnable skill. The more you do it, the better you get at it. Embrace the fact that you’re a beginner, and don’t compare yourself to others.
  
• Envisioning yourself as the wrong kind of extrovert. If you find the extroverted people around you shallow and perhaps even annoying, why would you want to be more like them? You wouldn’t. When I was a kid, I really didn’t want to be more like the extroverts I knew. Even as an adult, my vision of an extrovert was an in-your-face salesperson who only wanted to build a shallow relationship with you so they could sell you something. It seemed very fake and phony to me. And of course that vision prevented me from ever wanting to be like that. But you needn’t choose such a limited vision for yourself — you’re free to form your own vision of a positive way to be more extroverted.
  
• Hanging out with the wrong people. Why would you want to spend more time with people you don’t like? If becoming more extroverted means spending more time with people you’d rather avoid, you’ll have no motivation to do it. Again, you’re free to break this pattern and form a social group that you’d love to be a part of.
  
• Overvaluing online socializing. Online socializing has its place in your life, but it’s a pale shadow compared to face-to-face, belly-to-belly communication. Voice and body language can communicate a lot more than text, and emotional bonds are easier and faster to establish in person. I feel much closer to the local friends I’ve known for only a few months than I do to the people I’ve known online for years but never met in person. It’s just not as fun going out to dinner with a laptop. You don’t have to do away with online socializing, but don’t allow it to crowd out meeting people locally. If you do that, you’ll only cause your interpersonal skills to lag further behind.

If you have some of these blocks and want to get past them, the first step is to acknowledge them and consider how they’re holding you back. Then begin to work on them just as you would any other challenge in your life. Focus your intentions, set goals, make plans, and start taking action. It may be awkward and clumsy at first, but just accept that, and get moving anyway.

Suggestions for becoming more extroverted

Here are some additional suggestions for how to become more extroverted:

• Envision the type of extrovert you’d like to be. What’s your ideal outcome? If you feel too introverted and want to be more extroverted, start by working on your vision of your outcome. Chances are that if you’ve been making little progress in this area, you have a somewhat negative vision of extroverts. When I formed a positive vision of being an extrovert that included building genuine relationships with intelligent people I respect (as opposed to random, shallow socializing), I soon began attracting those relationships. Being a “dumb jock” kind of extrovert still has no appeal to me.
  
• Think of relationships in terms of what you can give, not in terms of what you can get. If you seek to build new relationships based on mutual giving and receiving, you’ll have no shortage of friends. Identify people with whom you’d like to build a relationship, and start by giving. I’ve found that my geeky knowledge is actually a tremendous strength when it comes to socializing because there are an awful lot of non-geeks who’d like to understand geeky stuff better, and I can explain it to them in ways they’ll understand. For example, I’ve been teaching some local speaker friends about blogging and web marketing, and in return I’m learning a lot from them about speaking, humor, etc. There are many intelligent people out there who’d love to have a geek as a friend. What can you bring to a relationship that will be of benefit to someone else? When you figure out what that is (and it’s probably many different things), you’ll have an easier time attracting new friends into your life.
  
• Find the right social group for you. Consciously consider the types of people you’d want to have as friends. There’s no rule that says this has to be your peers or co-workers. I actually find myself more interested in making friends with people who are much older than me as opposed to people my own age or slightly younger. People around my age (42) tend to be very career- and family-oriented, but often in a somewhat mindless, socially conditioned way that isn’t centered around any consciously chosen life purpose or belief system. And people in their 20s, while often highly energetic, tend to be largely unfocused… or focused on trivial pursuits that just aren’t that important. So it’s been difficult for me to find people near my age where we have enough in common for a long-term friendship. I seem to have an easier time making friends with people in their 50's, and older. They typically have greater knowledge and experience, more fascinating stories to share, more resources (information and ideas, financial resources, contacts), and a better sense of who they are and what they want to do with their lives. Often I find myself attending social events where I’m the youngest person in the room, but that feels very comfortable and normal for me. Don’t be afraid to stretch beyond the most obvious peer group and hang out with people from different ages, neighborhoods, cultures, countries, etc. You might find the variety to be a lot of fun.
  
• Play from your strengths. It’s interesting that many introverts have no trouble socializing online. In that environment they’re able to play from their strengths. But you can also use your strengths consciously as leverage to branch out into more face-to-face socializing. For example, after I graduated college, I met a woman on a local BBS (before there was much of a World Wide Web). We got to chatting online over a period of weeks. Eventually we met in person and became friends, and I soon fell into her pre-existing social group through osmosis. My social calendar went from empty to full almost overnight. That woman, by the way, has been my wife for the past 7.5 years. If you socialize online, see if you can’t use that strength to build new local relationships. While people have done this in global forums like online games, I think it’s easier to try it in local forums. For instance, there are message boards for people who’ve recently moved to Las Vegas.
  
• Join a club. It’s old advice, but it still works. The advantage is that you’ll find people who share similar interests, which makes it easier to build new relationships. One good club can fill your social calendar. For example, through my membership in Toastmasters, I get invitations to lots of other local social events. I don’t go to everything, but it’s nice to get those invites. Plus belonging to an international organization with 200,000 members worldwide creates social inroads around the planet. If you join a club and find that it’s not right for you, quit and join something else. My wife and I have both been through a number of local social groups that just didn’t resonate with us (too boring, too slow, too disorganized, too many alcoholics). But one good group is all you need.
  
• Develop your social skills consciously. You can learn to become better at building rapport, introducing yourself, keeping a conversation going, asking someone out on a date, feeling socially comfortable instead of nervous, and so on. You don’t need to be shallow and manipulative about it, but genuinely build these skills because it will greatly enhance your life. One approach I find extremely effective is to ask the other person how s/he got started in his/her current line of work. 80-90% of the time the person will say something like, “Well, that’s an interesting story….” And I genuinely like hearing these stories. A small basic set of social skills can go a long way because you’ll get to reuse them every time you meet someone. Whatever skill you’d like to develop, try doing a Google or Amazon search on it, and you’ll probably find plenty of articles and books.

Realize that when you hold yourself back from socializing, you’re not only depriving yourself — you’re also depriving other people of the chance to get to know you. How much longer do you want your future spouse or best friend to remain alone?

[Relationship Coach]

Thanks Diggity, I hold you in the same regard and often refer people to your Dating Thread. I think we need to team up and help SEAGATE get over the hump here.

[Dating Coach]

RC, you must edit the crud out of your posts. I feel like I am reading a book when I see your posts. It makes me feel sloppy because I just write and let it go. Hahahaha!

[Dating Coach]

Thanks Diggity, I hold you in the same regard and often refer people to your Dating Thread. I think we need to team up and help SEAGATE get over the hump here.

 

I haven't read SEAGATE's thread yet and I post while at work so it's going to be hard to find time right now but I will try....

[registered]

RC that's great advice.

 

I think it's also important to add that "introversion" is not as typical as the stereotype makes out.

 

You will find that some people who are brilliant speakers and who make friends easily are often very introverted.

 

Introversion should not be confused with shyness - they are two different things.

Extroversion should also not be confused with anti-shyness (Lol, whatever the best word is) because terribly shy people can still be extroverted.

 

This site and the related links at the top () give lists of famous introverts and you will notice that a lot of them you wouldn't believe were "introverted" going on their social/performance/whatever skills. They certainly don't seem too shy.

 

From (about 4/5 the way down):

"Of course, an introvert may have elements of shyness, and a shy person may have elements of introversion. But in their purest forms, being "shy" and being an "introvert" are quite different from one another. It is possible for a person to be an introvert but to not really be shy; that is, to be one who enjoys solitude but has no trouble interacting with other people when the situation calls for it. It is also possible to be shy without really being an introvert; that is, to enjoy other people's company more than one's own, but to not really know how to go about gaining it."

 

So introverts should not be asking "Hey, maybe I should be an extrovert?".

They should be asking "Hey, maybe I could improve the ways I relate with other people? RC's guide makes that easy!"

 

Awesome advice, I need to use it for myself! Thanks

[ShySoul]

Seagate,

 

Sometimes to address the problem you need to shift perspective. Have you ever thought that maybe there is nothing wrong with being introverted or shy? That maybe who you are is the person you are suppose to be and that instead of feeling down on yourself about it, you should embrace all the great qualities you are already and seek to change from within, not from without.

 

Maybe the shortcomings you say you have aren't shortcomings? Or maybe you are using them as an excuse to justify giving up.

 

I don’t have the attractive physiques or personality that make me desirable for anyone.

 

Physical attraction differs for everyone. I am certainly not a great physical specimen. I'm short and skinny. I have glasses. Acne problems for years. So? Girls still find me cute. You know why? Because I am comfortable with myself and figure that how I look is how I look. Someone is going to like it, and if they don't its not my problem or something to worry myself with. Besides, what really counts is on the inside, not on the outside. As look as I am healthy and not in danger of getting really sick, then my physique is ok.

 

Of course you have a good personality. I don't know much about you but I am certain that you have lots of good qualities. I am sure you have many talents and skills. I am sure you have a good heart that tries to do the right thing. I am also sure that if you asked people who knew you they would be able to say lots of great things about you. What you need to do is believe them and honestly take to heart what they say, not dismiss it or get down on yourself again.

 

I’m socially dysfunctional and never had the experience of being in a relationship.

 

I hate social settings. Always have, always will. I've never been in an official relationship either. That doesn't make me dysfunctional, it just makes me.... me. My best friend is also 22 and has never been in a relationship. I know a 23 year old girl who has never been in a relationship. And I know lots of people around 20 who have never been in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with these people, they simple haven't found the right person yet. It isn't a flaw in you. It isn't something to be berating yourself about. It's just, as you said, a fact. Nothing more. It says nothing about who you are as a person, nor does it say anything about your worthiness of attracting someone in the future.

 

There are plenty of introverted people out there. And they live great lives. Elenor Roosevelt, painfully shy and introverted. And she got herself a president as a husband. Emily * * * *enson, preferred solitude, and yet she is well known, remembered and respected. There is nothing wrong with not liking social settings. There is nothing wrong with not going out of your way to be in them. If you prefer small and intimate settings, then go with that. And when forced to be in largers setting, just stay calm, polite, and try to carry on the mindless chit chat most people have.

 

 

Aspects such as high self-esteem and confidence are just a personal delusion and a lie. If you’re not desirable, it is only natural for your self esteem to come down with it because everything happens for a reason.

 

The only way it is a delusion and a lie is if you tell yourself that and allow yourself to believe it. Yes, everything happens for a reason. And maybe the reason is to give you a kick in the pants and show you what happens when you give up hope. I think you have it backwards. It isn't the fact that you aren't desirable that is bringing your self esteem down, it is that you are lowering your self esteem that makes you less desirable.

 

As I’m getting older, I realized that most women do not date guys with relatively little experience in relationships. A lack of relationships is red flag that underlines your inability to attract people, be it your social skills or looks. In fact, women want a “social-proof” relationship and they get this by weeding out guys with little experience. But it hardly works the other way around and it’s interesting how women with little experience in relationships aren’t really turned by guys.

 

Interesting that you say that, because in my experience it has been the opposite. I almost had a relationship with one girl this year (long story), and the fact that I had never had a relationship before turned her on. She could see that I approached everything with hope and anticpation. Yes, I was nervous and scared. Yes, I could have moved faster. But she was ok with it. She liked me for me and my lack of experience wasn't a problem. She told me several times that with other guys she felt just like a number, just another girl for them to date. But with me she was #1, my one and only love. She said, I quote, "innocence is attractive." She said that it was romantic that I was waiting for the right person and that I would probably end up marrying my first girlfriend. And doesn't that sound good? How many people are going to be able to say that they didn't need to go and dates lots of girls? They had one girlfriend, and that lasts for life. She was even sorry that she wouldn't have been able to return that gift and have me be her only one ever.

 

And it wasn't just with her. Another girl, who says she loves me and who I've cuddled with, says that my inexperience doesn't matter. What matters is the good heart and warm person that I am. This thought has been echoed by I would say a dozen girls I've mentioned it to this year alone. Girls don't care about experience, and if they do they are superficial and not worth the time. What they care about is a guy who will respect them, love them, understand them, and treat them right.

 

Women are not obligated to return anyone’s love and certainly have a right to choose guys out of a selection. Furthermore, some even probably had bad experiences with guys and thus they are right in whatever decisions they make.

 

Listen to what women select though. I recent thread asked what women wanted in a man. And things like experience, good looks, an outgoing personality, etc. were in the minority compared to things like trust, compassion, honesty, heart. You have these traits. You just have to acknowledge to yourself that you do. Oh, and many of them actually listed that they perfer shy guys. So you don't have to worry about that, it can be helpful to you.

 

Because someone has bad experiences, it does not make any choice right. If they choose another guy who treats them bad, they made the wrong choice. What a bad experience means is that she needs to be careful and choose better. And the guy she needs to choose is someone who is going to be there for her and help her through the bad times.

 

 

 

make women highly manipulative. It’s hard to believe but there were a couple women that expressed interest in me before. They were all unavailable to me, as they were already taken, but these were women confident in their personality and appearance. Yet, they tried expressing direct interest in me, as they were lured by my lack of self-esteem. Women enjoy the thrills of exploiting a guy’s vulnerability and making him eventually long for what he could never have.

 

You have dealt with mean, manipulative women. It is understandable given your already low confidence that this can affect you. But these women were wrong and not in the majority. They do not represent what most women are like. Most women will not take advantage of or use you. Instead women tend to be more supportive and understand then the vast majority of men. These women were wrong, you should not need to blame youself for their wrong acts, or think negative about women in general.