Need Woman's Advice

[Krushed]

I'm a guy seeking a woman's opinion, but I'll take everyones.

I did my first post last week with regards to my feelings for someone that I thought had a interest in me. From the lectures and advice I've gotten from everyone, it looks pretty hopeless for me. I hope that those who responded to my posting before aren't offended that I am here again looking for more advice and hope they don't think I'm a sap or a hopeless *&^%%%. I definitely do respect the time they took to respond to help someone they don't even know.

Is it true that once a woman puts you in that dreaded Friend Category, you doomed there for ever. Has any women out there ever took a second look at a guy and saw him differently and decided that there could be more than just friends between them? Regardless, I am going with the no contact plan, even though it is very difficult. Is there any glimmer of hope for guys in this situation. From a woman's perspective, what could a guy do change her mind.

God, I sound desperate I know, but really got it bad for this amazing lady!

[Mun]

I have a question for you. How does it work the other way around? When you've put a woman in the "friend category" have you ever been able to take a second look at her and consider her for more than that?

[Tigris]

Maybe it's just the wrong time for her to have a relationship with you? Sometimes this can happen for months and then suddenly everything seems to click into place for both people.

 

In the mean time don't wait around for her, find yourself a girlfriend. Maybe that's what's needed for her to realise how she feels about you?

 

I hope everything turns out the way you want it to eventually.

 

Good luck

[Bethany]

I think that when a woman thinks of a man as her friend, the only way it will ever turn around is when he has accepted that they will only ever be friends, wished her good luck with her new man and was there through her ups and downs, however hard it was for him and he stayed that friend. And then IF the relationship doesn't work out, she will look at her friend and see that he had loved her unconditionally, was there supporting her and wanted the best for her and wondered why she hadnt seen it sooner.

[TAFFY]

I agree with Bethany.

[HappyKat]

Krushed, you asked:

Is it true that once a woman puts you in that dreaded Friend Category, you doomed there for ever.

Well, I say *not necessarily*...

 

My story--

 

Met a guy at work, we got along well. We were friends but nothing more. I met and married another man, continued working (off and on over the next 4 years) with this friend, while my marriage crumbled and ended. My friend was there, watching from a distance you might say, only offering encouragement and a shoulder to cry on. When the ex started getting nasty, he offered me a place to stay until I could get back on my feet. There was no hanky-panky; I had my own room, came & went as I pleased. Eventually, our relationship evolved into a very caring and loving one...several years later we bought a house together...

 

Life was very good for us, until he passed away. No doubt in my mind, he was the best partner in the world. Being friends *first* can be a true blessing. I wish you well.

[SimonBlume]

The story of HappyKat is so moving.

 

Yeah... if you can invest so much time and care as the partner of HappyKat did, you may still make the girl love you...but if you don't want to spend that much time, your chance is slim... : )

[ShySoul]

Happy Kat, thanks for that story. It is really moving. Friendship first is the best way to go and the whole "friend zone" thing is a silly notion created by bitter and angry guys because a situation of theirs didn't work out. They blame being friends when it is simple a matter of not being compatible.

 

Krushed, if you need some more inspiration, I found a few stories of how people who only see each other as friends can have it bloom into love.

 

 

 

And a good explanation of why friend's first is the best method:

 

 

If you want to stand a chance at being with her one day, you have to keep being a friend. You have to be someone she can count on and trust, someone she can talk to, someone she enjoys spending time with. You have to accept that it might not work out and that you shouldn't make this your goal to be with her one day. But if you stay friends, anything can happen.

[metro_girl]

If you're really interested in being more than friends, then don't act like friendship is all you want from her. That's not being very honest to her. Move on and meet someone else who wants to be your girlfriend.

[BillyJean714]

I LOVE how Muneca phrased it.

 

Did I EVER consider dating a friend? Maybe- most of the times- No, not really. Mainly because I base most of how I feel based on first impression. Just like how men can sense if they want to be in a relationship with a woman within 10 minutes of meeting them, women do the same. We're pretty similar when it comes to these things.

 

We also know almost from right from get go if this person is a person who we see our future or not.

 

Sometimes, we don't always know upfront, but it's just this 'feeling' that we get. Although some people are more charming than others, some people might have more charisma, that "feeling of knowing" that I'm talking about depends on instant attraction- not just physical (when I say physical, I don't mean Chip N' Dale hotness kind of thing- I'm talking about if we find that person sexually attractive in their own way) among other MORE important qualities - personal values/interests we find fascinating and admire.

 

It's hard to explain. I did ONCE date a friend, but it DIDN'T work out. I knew I couldn't force myself or imagine myself kissing him, KNOWING that I knew from get go that I wasn't all that attracted to him in the first place.

 

Chemistry's either there or it's not. I also had a friend in which we had ALMOST EVERYTHING in common- from our taste in music, bar of soap, furniture, everything- BUT, there was just no feeling on my part. Sucks because when people have that much in common, you would think that they would be very attracted to one another. That's why I think that having a combination of similar and oppossite personalities/personal tastes is waht REALLY adds lots of flavor to ANY relationship.

 

To sum it up- first impressions are the most lasting ones. If it wasn't there to begin with, it's tough that it will be there in the end. Friends who date friends, does happen, but it doesn't happen too often. From my experience, the only time happesn, is when people feel as though they're "over the hill" (either mentally-OR- in actuality- their real age) and want to settle. Not implying on anyone in particular- just the people who I know in my life!

[cruisin]

Krushed -- I disagree with the once a friend always a friend thinking. Even "chemistry" changes. After all, what is chemistry except for feelings we have based on what we know (which can be very little) or what we imagine about a person. How many people who start things on the basis of chemistry have those things continue into a longterm and healthy relationship? Not that many. People are constantly evolving (or let's hope they are) and as they change they become different people almost. Different people see and respond to people differently, even if it's only one of them that has been changing. I'm 46 and I can tell you for a fact that the older you get the more you will hear things like, "I would never have liked you in my 20s, or 30s, but now..." Not only age, but different experiences can have dramatic changes on someone's perspective. However, I think, that if there are no such experiences or you are not allowing for the years to bring about an age change, then things are not likely to be different. "Experience" comes in all degrees though. And you usually don't know what is going on in every aspect of a person's life and less so in their psyche.

 

Remember, too, that it is harder to make the move from friend to lover than it is to, say, have a lover, and then go...what was I EVER thinking?! Usually that's because things don't work out or you're rejected. But the friends-only people aren't given the chance. Like some others here, I would say, don't belittle the title of "friend." And don't think it is anything less than a lover. I, for one, think it is far more important. There are many exciting lovers who are not friends, but the only nurturing lovers will always be friends too. I don't know if your "friend" is using the term to mean someone she is indifferent about or if you can actually be real friends. I hope it's the latter. But in any case, NOTHING when it concerns two living beings is EVER written in stone!

 

Take heart but don't obsess! Ok?

[Dating Coach]

If you're really interested in being more than friends, then don't act like friendship is all you want from her. That's not being very honest to her. Move on and meet someone else who wants to be your girlfriend.

 

Exactly. Plus to the OP:

 

Why are you searching for any little excuse that you can to keep to your current path? Your post basically told me that, "Yeah, I know everyone told me I am in the friendzone but instead of listening to that can anyone give me any hope at all, no matter how remote, so I can feel better about ignoring everyone's advice?"

 

If the girl told you she isn't interested in your, or even hinted at that, then respect that answer and respect yourself enough to move on. I personally find it very weak to continue to persue someone after they told you no and hoping that there is some chance that they will change their mind. You have a life that is passing you by while you continue to "hope" that no will be a yes.

 

I don't see how she can ever change her mind when you display these behaviors. These behaviors are extremely unattractive.

[ShySoul]

People have to follow their hearts. No matter how much they are told to move on, if they don't believe it in their hearts then they won't give up on it. You have to honestly ask yourself what it is you believe. If you are not ready to "move on" and if you still believe it can work, then don't give up on it. You can't just get on the rollar coaster of falling for someone and decide to get off before the ride is done. You have to follow through to the end. And if your heart says its not the end yet, then its not the end. If you miss something else in the meantime, then its not meant to be. If you still want someone else, then you are not ready for another relationship. It wouldn't be fair to you or to the other person. Eventually, one of two things will happen. You will get with the person you want to be with. Or your heart will finally tell you that it isn't going to work. But until those things happen, go with what you are feeling.

 

And yes, just because you are friends now doesn't mean you will always be only friends. Friends are starting lifelong partnerships all the time.

[Dating Coach]

People have to follow their hearts. No matter how much they are told to move on, if they don't believe it in their hearts then they won't give up on it. You have to honestly ask yourself what it is you believe. If you are not ready to "move on" and if you still believe it can work, then don't give up on it. You can't just get on the rollar coaster of falling for someone and decide to get off before the ride is done. You have to follow through to the end. And if your heart says its not the end yet, then its not the end.

 

I disagree and I think that is borderline stalking behavior right there. If the other person says that it is over and that they are not interested, then continuing to follow them around and hope they will change their mind can lead to some creepy stalker situations. If the person said no, then that IS the end of it. The only person that can un-end it is that person who already decided they did not want you. To continue to try even after that is creepy and shows that a person has no self respect.

[Msnak]

Diggity--what if Shy means that a person is being told to move on by people OUTSIDE of the relationship and not the object of their affection? I think that might be what Shy means.

 

In that case, there no concern for stalking!!

 

But certainly friends and family can tell someone to "move on" when that person just isn't ready. Being alone so as not to hurt someone else, is a smart thing to do. I've had to start taking that advice myself lately.

[Krushed]

Who is stalking who around here? I have not been in contact, nor have I seen her in weeks. I have even refused to go to her place for a party that she had invited me to months ago. I know that she is still wanting to be friends with me, but it is me that is staying away from her. Yes, I do hope that things will change, but I know that I can't change them and I haven't been trying. Personally, I feel that since my EX is friends with her, and my ex and I haven't gone through the "complete" seperation yet, that is the major part of it all.(????) I am sorry if I have been misleading in the past, but I thought it was better to keep the issues separate, I guess I am wrong.

I am sorry if I offended anyone. Just imagine the situation I'm in.

Have a Great Christmas Everyone.

[Dating Coach]

Diggity--what if Shy means that a person is being told to move on by people OUTSIDE of the relationship and not the object of their affection? I think that might be what Shy means.

 

In that case, there no concern for stalking!!.

 

If that's the situation then it would be by a case by case basis. However I am not preaching to the world here, I was staying on topic with Krushed.

 

Krushed,

 

No one is saying that you are stalking. We are talking about if you continued to try to get with her after a rejection. I was saying if that was your behavior then it would be borderline stalking behavior. I know you aren't doing that, and I hope you never do.

 

....wow, 2006 is coming up soon... Yeesh! I'm going to be 26 years old....

[Bethany]

After reading the conflicting views, I see truth in both sides of the 'argument' and if I were you right now I wouldn't be sure what to do so if I were you I would trust only in my gut feelings, my intuition and instincts.

When if comes to matters of the heart, you can only truly deep down inside yourself trust yourself to know what's best for you.

 

If you feel deep down that you should stay with her, that it's not the end for whatever reason, then you should stay.

But if your gut is telling you to give up and spare yourself a possible lifetime of heartbreak and pain by hoping she will 'see' your love and that she will one day return it, then you would be wise to listen to it.