Catholic and Atheist relationship

[justify_yourlove]

I am catholic and my boyfriend is atheist. I know church is separate from state, so we can legally have marriage (outside the church). I know the Catholic church is against it (wed in church) and I've heard that I have to talk to a priest about it if we plan to marry in the church. Does anyone have any experience with marrying in the Catholic church with an atheist?

 

Initially, we both decided that we'll let our children decide what religion or non-religion they are. Then, I told him that my family always baptizes the baby months after birth. After that, I think my boyfriend says we can baptize our future children then. However, I know he is still strongly against this but is doing it for myself and family. Do you think he should keep this decision?

 

Would it be a bad idea if I ask and try to convince my boyfriend to go to church with me Sundays? I told him it doesn't necessarily mean he believes in it but being there with me...his presense. Is the church against atheist going to church?

 

Does anyone have any advice (or experiences) on how we can deal with this serious conflict?

[shes2smart]

Is this the cross-dressing guy you posted about the other day?

[life_s_strange]

love will stand the test of time

[melrich]

Would it be a bad idea if I ask and try to convince my boyfriend to go to church with me Sundays?

 

I think youcan ask him but ask with no pressure and no expectations. Never try and foist your religion on to someone else.

 

As for the marriage thing, I know where I live the churches have relaxed the stance a lot. It seems to come down to the individual thoughts of teh parish priest.

[Hope75]

Wait, aren't you broken up from this guy? You are talking about marriage while you are broken up?

[Beec]

I think you need to have a decision before marriage and stick to it. If he agrees to something, you need to know he will mean it. But you also need to be ready to shoulder the burden of raising your kids as Catholics, because I doubt he will lift a finger.

 

Actually getting married in the Church should not be a problem, but they will probably make him agree that he will raise the kids Catholic.

 

However, if you really are Catholic, and he is really atheist, I don't see your chances of a longterm thing as being good. In order to have a successful relationship, you need to have a set of values that are very similar. I don't know how a Catholic and an atheist could do that.

[melrich]

I don't know how a Catholic and an atheist could do that.

 

I'm athiest/partner catholic. Together nearly 6 years. No plans yet to separate. No issues.

[justify_yourlove]

Yes, it is him.

[justify_yourlove]

We keep saying we're "broken up" but I think we're in denial. We still want to get married.

[lady00]

We keep saying we're "broken up" but I think we're in denial. We still want to get married.

 

 

No offense meant by this at all...but that makes no sense to me. You're either broken up or you're together. It seems to me if this is not clearly defined then there is some missing communication between the two of you. If you want to get married then why are you saying you're broken up? These are contradictory statements.

[justify_yourlove]

We're in denial but realistically we're in the "cool off stage". I'm sure you've heard of couples who keep breaking up, are "on and off", or just need time apart not necessarily together. Relationships don't necessarily have to be clear cut "together" or "broken up".

[Hope75]

We keep saying we're "broken up" but I think we're in denial. We still want to get married.

I agree with Lady. Don't you think you should clarify whether or not you are a couple before you consider talking about marriage? Denial? What are you talking about? You are either together or you are not. Don't you think you deserve to know?

 

Aside from the fact that he is an atheist, you also have an issue with the fact that he is a cross dresser.

 

How many incompatibilities are you willing to put up with?

 

"On and off"? That isn't how marriage works either. I think you should decide if you want to be together, straighten that out clearly, and then work to make it work. Breaking up and getting back together does NOT signify a healthy relationship, especially if you think you are ready to marry.

[justify_yourlove]

You're right. That's why I'm going to talk to him this weekend when he comes over. There are lots of differences between us. Yet, there's lot of things we share in common. We have known each other for seven years and have gone through a lot together.

[DN]

I think it would be a good idea to get your relationship stable and secure before you start thinking about marriage. It's fine to have that in mind but you seem to have a number of relationship issues that should be straightened out before wedding plans are made.

 

In so far as catholic/atheist marriage is concerned you should really talk to a priest to get some up to date information.

[smallworld]

Hi Emily, I'm not a Catholic, but my SIL married into a Catholic family and I recall her taking some kind of induction course to become familiar with the Church's teachings. She and her fiance (now husband) wanted to be married in the church, but I have no idea if her taking the course was a gesture of sincerity and good will towards her future in-laws or if it was mandatory. I think your best bet after deciding if you both want to get married, is to talk to your priest and figure out what your options and your church's policies are. Good luck!

[Beec]

I recall her taking some kind of induction course to become familiar with the Church's teachings. . . . I have no idea if her taking the course was a gesture of sincerity and good will towards her future in-laws or if it was mandatory.

 

I think the Church pretty much requires everyone to go through "pre-cana".

[Tigris]

I'd be very careful about marrying him if you are frequently breaking up and getting back together again!

 

I gave my first husband my engagement ring back on a few occasions because he was acting immature. Looking back I think it was an omen because it continued throughout the marriage.

 

We got divorced during the 5th year of the marriage.

[shes2smart]

Yes, it is him.

 

So, what I'm understanding is that it's the guy in this thread..

I really want you to consider what I said in my last post to that thread. I'm telling you, I have been involved with "alternative lifestyle" support and social groups for about 8 years now, and I see variations of this story all the time. It's one thing if someone discovers their kink AFTER they're already married to a non-kink person, but you already know now that he's into some things that you're not into at all.

 

Fetishes do not go away. If that's what really trips his trigger, it will only become more attractive if he can't have it. I have seen very few couples with a kink and a non-kink partner who were able to work out their sexual differences and stay together happily in the long run. Sexuality is so intensely personal that an incompatibility in this area can lead to a lot of very deep hurt and loss of self-esteem for both parties. The non-kink partner may become angry, wonder why they are not "enough," and may try to shame the kink partner into being "normal." The kink partner may take any small opening with the non-kink partner to try to get some of their needs met and force the issue a little too much, putting the non-kink partner in a bad position.

 

Now you are throwing in the aspect of religious/spiritual differences into this relationship on top of the sexual mismatch.

 

Sometimes in life, we have a moment where we are faced with a difficult decision. We can choose to do something that we know is going to cause short term pain but will probably end up being for the best in the long run, or we can choose to ignore warning signs and make the assumption that things will get better in the long run. For many of us the desire to avoid pain in the present is stronger than the desire to do what will be best in the long run.

 

I've seen the end result of what has happened to others who have chosen to enter into a relationship where one parter is kinky and the other isn't. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain and drama on anyone. While the choice to continue this relationship or not is entirely yours to make, you would do yourself a great disservice if you made it with your eyes closed.

[justify_yourlove]

Yeah, I've been really thinking about it. I definitely agree it would be easier in the long-run. Let's just say hypothetically he genuinely agrees that we don't ever have to do the Lesbian sex and we could raise the children Catholic, could we work it out? What if he is willing to do anything?

[shes2smart]

Let's just say hypothetically he genuinely agrees that we don't ever have to do the Lesbian sex and we could raise the children Catholic, could we work it out? What if he is willing to do anything?

 

In what you're proposing, he's the one who has to give up his kink and he's the one who has to yield on his religious/spiritual values (or lack thereof). That's NOT a compromise....that's you wanting him to do things your way. A true compromise requires BOTH partners to give up a little something in order to get a little something in return. There are some issues one cannot compromise, and some issues where there isn't a workable compromise acceptable to both parties.

 

He's not the first person with a kink who was willing to do "anything" to try to stay with a non-kink partner. If it was that easy to walk away from a sexual kink, most of the people I know (myself included) would have a much smoother relationship history than we do. If cross-dressing is what really excites him, giving it up will eventually make him want it more, in a similar way that going on a diet makes one crave "forbidden" foods. Then, he either has to sneak around and go behind your back to do it (not good for either of you, particularly if you happen to accidentally catch him in the act) or he starts feeling deprived and resentful toward you because he gave it up for you.

 

Relationships work best if both partners can accept each other as they are where they are. If you go into a relationship expecting your partner to change to better suit you, you're most likely setting yourself up for disappointment. The only person any of us can change is ourselves, so rather than asking if it would work if he gave up the cross-dressing and he agreed to your religious/spiritual values, you should be asking if you could come to accept those things about him.

 

Relationships don't necessarily have to be clear cut "together" or "broken up".

 

No, they don't. But the longer you stay in limbo, the longer you keep yourself in a place of pain, confusion and false hopes. Making a definite decision one way or the other is difficult, and can cause an immense amount of pain initially. However, with a definite decision, the confusion ends and the pain, while initially increasing, does get a chance to subside and resolve itself. Staying somewhere in between is kinda like picking at a wound that's trying to heal...you prolong the healing process, you open yourself up to infection (more pain), you make it bleed a little more, and you create a worse scar than if you had just left the wound alone.

[lovecrazy]

I myself, am christain, my boyfriend is agnostic. (sp)

 

And I told him that if we were to get married, our kids would learn about Jesus, and the whole nine yards. But I would let them choose when they are at an age to make there own decision.

 

He has told me that it is fine. And supports it.

NOw I have a friend who goes to church every Sunday, and her husband is Atheist, and they are fine. Her kids have learn about God & Jesus, and he doesnt pressure his kids to believe in what he believes. He lets his wife handle it. They agree to disagree.

[Hope75]

As usual, shestoosmart is right on the money.

 

What you are proposing is not compromise at all. It's wanting things your way and for him to suppress what turns him on and to give up his religious (or non religious) views.

 

How would you like it if he told you he required in order for you to stay together that you approve of him dressing as a woman and that you are not allowed to live out your own sexual fantasies and activities that turn you on, because they make him uncomfortable? How about giving up Catholicism? If he asked you to be athiest and to raise your children athiest?

 

Do you suspect that at some point, even if you agreed to all of this at first, that you might begin to resent him, as shestoosmart said? Being forced to give up major aspects of what makes you you, well that just isn't fair to any person.

 

I think the take home point here is that there are just too many differences, and these are not little things either, they are major componants of who each of you are. To ask you to change that or him to change that is just unfair. And since you are so fundementally different, to ask either to accept, condone and even approve of each other's choices seems pretty unreasonable too.

 

What do you think?

[justify_yourlove]

I myself, am christain, my boyfriend is agnostic. (sp)

 

And I told him that if we were to get married, our kids would learn about Jesus, and the whole nine yards. But I would let them choose when they are at an age to make there own decision.

 

He has told me that it is fine. And supports it.

NOw I have a friend who goes to church every Sunday, and her husband is Atheist, and they are fine. Her kids have learn about God & Jesus, and he doesnt pressure his kids to believe in what he believes. He lets his wife handle it. They agree to disagree.

 

Wow, that's really an interesting story. That's most likely what I imagined would happen to me.

 

I do believe in compromise. In this case though, I sadly think one may have to sacrifice certain things. He claims that he enjoys sex just as much when he's not dressed up as a woman so we could always just go back to that. I don't have anything against him crossdressing in general and he only does it a couple of times a year. He is honest with me whether good or bad, so I know he would tell me right away if he would be unhappy with this.

 

My therapist said that religion can be a serious issue in a relationship if we let it. She says if he was willing to let our children be baptised a Catholics, then that's great already. I do hate having him sacrifice this for me but we agreed that this was probably the most realistic thing we'd have to decide on.

[lovecrazy]

In my eyes, I believe the only way it will work, is if he lets them be raised as catholics, and when they are around the age of 17 or so let them choose. Dont push them to go to church every sunday or everyday (mass)

 

Just support each other.

 

But as far as the cross dressing thing, that is his thing. If my boyfriend did it I dont know if I would enjoy it, I would laugh at him more than anything!

 

Now as far as the christain religion goes, catholics, baptist or whatever it is against God and everything the bible says. I mean sounds to me he is either gay or bi?

 

If so then good for him I guess.

 

But the different religions under on roof can work.

 

Mystep father is catholic, and the rest of my family is penocostal! So it is a major mix and it can work!

[justify_yourlove]

He's not gay. If anything, he may have a sexual identity crisis because he is not attracted to men at all. That's not the issue. He's still attracted to women, it's just he likes being a woman.