When the memories mean nothing

[AC874]

Like a hangover.... without the headache

 

How do you wake up in the morning after finding out your worst nightmares come to reality.

 

The truth is, you just do. It's time to enjoy the little things in life... waking-up, walking into a job that I love and feel empowered in, knowing that god loves me and wants what is best for me according to his will. Knowing also that there are friends out there, that I have neglected during this time also.

 

I've always asked myself this question... how do you just walk away from somebody? How do you let go of intense memories. Do they ever catch up with you? Will she ever remember what it was like to sit in an airplane seat to Paris.. to visit the Eiffel Tower? Will she remember the crazy peacocks running around free in the San Diego Zoo? Will she remember game 6 against Boston 3 yrs ago, when the Habs beat the Bruins to take the series in a 2-1 win? Will she remember going up north to a cottage for her bday with all of her friends and family ( I pretty much had to bribe her friends to come... and somehow I get the SHORT END of the deal), Valentine's day in 5-star hotel, skating on a rink in St-Sauveur right after Christmas on a beautiful snowy day, Watching airplanes fly right over my head in St-Marteen.....

These memories obviously have little significance, if at all right now. Apparently, somehow in our twisted brains, you can do the best to repress by avoiding them all together.

 

Somehow, golden memories are as good as the next BIG thing that comes along.... life has a funny way of manifesting itself doesn't it? That is the worst part. You spend your whole time, trying to tell somebody that they mean the world to you, by involving them in memory building experiences. At the end of the day, when all is said and done..... they DONT LOVE YOU!

 

This is what hurts the most. When the memories mean little (maybe nothing in this case), then you realize that your worst nightmares/the dreams that have haunted you, are now reality. When you wake up after fighting years of efforts, tears, fears, and love.... you realize that you've wasted time with somebody who doesn't love you.............Deja-vu... or was god trying to warm me up for something?

When your in a nightmare, what do you usually do? YOU WAKE UP! You shake it off, and proceed with your day. God, please give me the strength to do this.

[Beec]

Keep plugging. You'll find that the strength has been given to you.

[sukerbut]

i hear you my friend ... the worst part is when you are stroling through soho and she tells you..my god i cant imagine ever not having you by my side..we have been to so many places that it would haunt me for the rest of my life...please dont ever break my heart..you make me so happy..two months later i dont love you liek you love me..you even said when we started this thing again that there were no guarantees .. i am sorry i cant even say i love you any more you do ean alot to me though .. you freak me out when you look it me..i just feel weird when you give me those googly eyes...WHAT???? are you kidding me...and i am here strssing like an idiot while she is out there partying it up! WHAT A FOOL!

[hockeyboy]

Eventually you become almost completely numb to it all. My first serious relationship...I was with her for 4 years! We did almost every romantic thing a couple could do. I used to try to fight myself not to think about it. Now days, I rarely think about any of it, but when I do...I feel almost nothing. I guess I dont really feel anything for her, but sometimes I might miss having that special person around to share more times like that with. But I don't cringe in pain...because I know...Ill get to live that way again.

 

Basically...I know im good when I find out that girl is now engaged...and I feel only one thing....happy for her.

[kellbell]

Of course she will remember those things but it was not enough for the relationship to withstand the test of time. All the more reason to realize this girl was not the one for you. I had great times with my ex's but other midigating circumstances caused us to break up. But I cherish the memories I had with them and will never forget them. Doesn't mean I don't care, it just wasn't meant to be.

I am so sorry for your pain and anger. I hope you feel better very soon. Hugs.

[blues_belter]

i know what it's like to try to create nice memories for someone else. Just 2 short months ago, i gave him a wonderful surprise birthday party- invited all of his and our mutual friends. Now, he won't even speak to me and i hear he has been seeing this girl who he swore up and down, he was not interested in. This girl doesn't have the history with him that i do. Not the bad and certainly not the good memories.

 

It is hard to understand how someone could just give it all up whether they are seeing someone new or not. I agree with kellbell. She won't forget, and someday will look back with fondness and maybe even regret because chances are, no one has or will treat her quite so specially ever again. Just a thought...

[AC874]

Kellbell,

 

What are those circumstances? When somebody treats you like gold... other circumstances are more important?

[sukerbut]

AC i treated her like gold..i gave her my time money and love..i gave her keys to the apt..i let her drive my benz..this was the girl that i wanted to marry..problem was i gave too much..the mystery was gone..she had me completely and she knew this..there was never any fear of losing me so she gotr bored...her respect for me started to diminish..all of a sudden weird phone calls started coming in...restricted numbers she woulod never pick up when i was with her..guys she used to be frineds with starterd calling again...i became insecure and crazed..i felt unappreciated and used..i felt disrespected..soinstead of putting my foot down i put it in my mouth..i was so scared of losing her i bacame a submissive uncofident person..i became very jealous and needy..eventually she lost all respect for e that she dumped me..this is the first time i have given anybody so much..andf it was a huge mistake

[kellbell]

Okay, I will give you an example....

 

I met my first boyfriend about 10 years ago. There was the instant attraction right away. He asked me out and we went on from there. He was so sweet, he called me, wrote me letters, took me around Boston, bought me a rose one time we were out walking around, all his friends were dying to meet me, felt like they already knew me before they met me, etc. On our 6 month aniversarry, my goodness, it was very special. We went to this really nice restaurant, walked around Boston, and went to the Predential Building to a place called The Top of the Hub, you can see all of Boston from there, we were watching the planes take off from Logan Airport, there was a jazz band playing, had a glass of wine. He made my Christmas special, we went to a Notre Dame/Boston College Football game...ok, now you realize the nature of our relationship.

 

The circumstances? First, it was a long distance relationship, really really tough. It was definitely a strain on us. Second, he was a pre-med student. He had to really hunker down and do well. No time to get bogged down in a serious relationship. Another thing, I am not a Polish/Catholic, so even though his family liked me, I am not what they envisioned for their first born pre-med son to end up with. The odds were really stacked against us, but we plugged along for about 2 years. Then he started getting a bit "lazy" in the relationship and I started getting resentful. But how could I? He is planning on going to med school, graduated top 20 in his class at Boston College. We wanted different things, are lives were going on different paths. And as time went on, near the end of our relationship, I didn't even want him NEAR me, actually he got quite annoying. The thought of kissing him made me cringe, that is when I knew it was over.

 

So as you can see, stuff happens. If we were meant to be together, then the odds would not have been against us and we would have made it but we didn't and I have absolutely no resentment towards him. He worked soooo hard and he deserved the best. And yes, he is now a doctor of internal medicine, in fact, he did his residency at the hospital I work at so I ran into him a few times. I really wanted him to be happy and I wanted to be happy. And yes, I did very nice things for him too, I wrote him letters, poetry, called him, visited him, made him cookies, etc. But it just wasn't enough. Just because you treat someone like gold doesn't guarentee a future with that person, it doesn't exempt you from a break-up nor does the person owe you and stay in a relationship simply because you showed her the finest things in life. That's a chance we take in the name of love. It boils down to whether you feel those risks are worth taking.

 

So, your feelings of anger are normal but you have to move past them eventually and start doing things for yourself instead of playing the victim. That will get you no where. Sorry you are hurt but you are not alone when it comes to these feelings. Take care and hugs to you.

[AC874]

How long was your LDR with this guy?

[kellbell]

AC-almost 2 years.

[AC874]

yeah this was 4.

 

Which makes it twice as difficult

 

Break-up's suck

[kellbell]

You know what, you have no idea how difficult my breakup was with my first true love, the first person to say I love you, my first kiss, the first person I had sex with, just because your relationship was longer doesn't mean it was as difficult for me.

[melrich]

you can do the best to repress by avoiding them all together.

 

That is the secret. They are not forgotten, they are repressed. I have done the same. In the immediate aftermath of the end of a meaningful relationship, thinking back to the "golden" times just adds to the pain of seperation. It is better to avoid that sort of reminiscing if possible.

[Hawk]

Good advice - try to think of the bad times or even the hurt they are inflicting on you now.