Becoming more confident and being myself

[_Tiki_]

I would have started this topic going on about how lonely and depressed I am etc, but I realised that if I stay in this mindset I'm not going to get very far.

I dremt the other night that living in the now was better than spending all my time playing the victim and being depressed and thats what I'm hoping to do.

 

I can be a confident and funny person when I'm around people I know, but whenever I'm in public I go completely shy. I've met a few guys this year that have shown interest in me, but I missed my chances with them because of low self esteem.

 

I look around and see people happly in love or kissing thier signifcant other. Everyone from every walk of life, ugly, beautiful, rich, poor and for some reason I seem to find a lot of things wrong with me. I need to learn to be happy just being me.

 

I know it's a confidence thing and when I don't talk to people it's like no one wants to know me, but I don't know how to open up to them.

I have ADD and I know that has affected my confidence, but I know that I can overcome it if I try. I can't go on with being this shy little loner, there's so much I want to do and I really want to make some new friends and meet someone I can date. I can think of good points about myself, but then I'll see someone that does something better or looks better and then I start the self critism.

 

I've been reading alot of self help books and they've been helping alot, but I need ideas. I'm sure I could fake or act the confidence it's just believing in myself and have more self love so that I don't need to fake it.

 

I need ideas on how to have better body language and conversational tips ad stuff like that.

 

Does anyone have any advice or know any good sites I can try?

 

Thanks,

 

Tiki

[Relationship Coach]

Tiki,

I applaud your efforts to over come your fears and to changing your belief system about yourself. Since I can't post url's here I will PM you a link of a great book that will surely help you, it's called "Conversational Magic". It was written by a friend of mine and I often suggest it for those looking to increase their circle of friends. Best of luck to you!

[waylon]

I kinda have the same problem, relationship_couch is correct in recommending a book to help you out. I find starting a conversation to be the most challenging part, from there it tends to flow...

 

You need to force yourself to talk to people, you'll hate it at first but in time it will get easier...

 

Don't think ADD is really a problem here, I was diagnosed with it as a kid. As far as I'm concerned its not really a medical condition its just a way for doctors to punt that evil drug commonly known as Ritalin...

 

I remember when I just finished studying my parents forced me to take up a door-to-door sales job (since I struggled to find work in the IT industry at first and they refused to support me anymore).

 

Now if you think your current situation is bad imagine going to strangers houses and trying to sell something to them when you're not welcome... I hated it but I forced myself and eventually I got quiet good at it and was promoted after the first month.

 

People are always uncomfortable with the unfamiliar but in order to succeed you need to push yourself...

[sugarandspice]

hey honey

 

you sound like me. dont worry i am sure more people feel like you than you think. think that dream came to you for a reason. how you started your post is inspiring. i suffer from depression and often cannot see a way out of it, although if i think back i think i have come along way without realising it sometimes as i dont keep a diary. Im sure it is like this for you too.

 

you are confident and funny around people you know because you are being yourself. This is you and it would be fun for people to get to know you. Not only will you gain friends, but they will gain you. you will be a bonus to their life and you can have lots to give to them.

 

i used to be so shy and hardly talk to anyone. my slef esteem was so low at school i was bullied doing secondary school and thought if i didnt talk to anyone then noone would say anything bad about me and i went completely in side my shell and just had a complete social phobia. This carried on into sixth form where i would hide away and had hardly any friends

 

however when i was around people i knew like my immediate family and my 2 closest friends then i was just me. I would make them laugh without trying. But around others i though they though i was boring and didnt want to know me, i thought i was sad and had to try to be someone different, but in the end i just ended up being shy. i thought everyone was better than me on the social scale as it were!!!!!!!!!but thats school and thats what it can be like.

 

those who i liked and respected and admired were those who werent afriad to just act themselves, who could laugh at their own personality traits and who didnt follow the crowd.

 

over the last year however i have changed without realising it little by little. I just chat to people. I love meeting new people, so many different personalities in your life, have made so many good friends. but its been gradual, but now someone said the other day that im like the most social person and someon else laughed when i said i was shy. its funny.

 

i still out myself down a lot and think i can't do things a lot, on that aspect i need to improve. I think everyone always has something they want to improve on.

 

i think you ought to aim to have fun, you have nothign to loose, people are loosing out right now on you!!!!seriously!!!what matters though?? you will easily dish out the people who are like you and who are worth your friendship.

 

i know how you feel about lookin at someone else and you think they are better than you, better looking, more confident etc etc, but you are you. you are unique. enjoy being you. i dont think confidence is something you can fake, i think it comes with time and experiences you go through which make you realise that people do want to get to know you and that you are definitely worth getting to know and that they are loosing out big style!!!

 

dont give a *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* about waht others think. you wana have fun. you wana meet people. just be you.

 

love and hugs

 

Sugar x x x

[fantasia2004]

I am so congruent with what the previous poster said. I too suffered what you are experiencing . But however you look at worry about you enjoy you and love you.

[_Tiki_]

Thanks everyone

 

Relationship Coach, Thanks for the book recommendation. I will try it out.

 

Waylon, I used to have a door to door sales job, but it didn't really help my confidence, but I now work in a huge office so hopefully I can start talking to some co-workers and build some confidence up.

 

Sugarandspice, Thanks for your positive reply!

 

i used to be so shy and hardly talk to anyone. my slef esteem was so low at school i was bullied doing secondary school and thought if i didnt talk to anyone then noone would say anything bad about me and i went completely in side my shell and just had a complete social phobia.

 

That's exactly what I did in secondary school!

 

I love meeting new people too, but sometimes I find it hard to be myself around them and I end up acting cold because I can't think of a thing to say and because I'm nervous, my body language makes me look like I'm not interested.

 

You're right, I should aim on having fun! They'll either dislike me for being shy or I can have fun and not care what anyone else thinks.

I've missed out on a lot because I care too much about what others think so thats gonna stop! This past week I've opened up a bit more and I realised that I just need practise, I won't get it right the first time, but I should keep trying until I feel comfatable.

 

Thanks a lot sugar!

 

Fantasia2004, Thanks to you as well.