WOW really need help on this one..ex "may" be coming back

[needhelp112692]

Hey,

 

 

I have posted here in the past...here is a brief summary on myself and my ex. I am 30 (male), she is turning 27. We were together for 11 years, engaged and living together. She left me 2 years ago this December, saying she never got to live her life and fell outta love. I had a tight grip on her didn't let her out with her friends and go to clubs and drink or whatever. I have since been in counseling and know why I did it and no I won't again.

 

When she left I was devestated. It really nearly killed me. Lost 40lbs, didn't eat, couldn't move, fealt like a zombie for many months. After we broke up she was dating in less than 3 weks. She also strung me along for 2 months after the break-up cause she wasn't sure and was confused. Turns out the guy she started dating is a guy who worked for her, a guy I knew. Ultimately she wound up moving him into our place. I recently heard from her father who hates the guy, that we was in jail for beating his ex, does drugs and owes my ex a ton of money. My ex used to own a business with her dad, since she started dating this guy she left the business, has been going out partying and this guy is sucking her for money.

 

She called me up about a month ago saying, she "knows she will never marry this guy" and they never "had what we had". I know they didn't 11 years is hard to replace.....she also started saying she misses me and loves me and has been thinking of me alot lately. She knows how bad she hurt me and says she is sorry. I made an offer to her for us to get counseling together which I would pay for and we can start dating and take things nice and slow, and try to repair what we had.

 

She said she would love to "if this guy wasn't living here". She said she can't just throw him out on the street. "it isn't right"....I basically told her she has a choice to make and not to speak to me again until she has a definate yes or no. It isn't fair to me.......2 weeks goes by I hear nothing......my sister inlaw calls me up and said she went out to lunch and saw my ex waitressing in the place....she said she told my ex " listen if you are'nt sure you have to leave him alone...it isn't fair and everytime you come and go like this it F$#Ks him up".......3 days later.....

 

It is 3am my cell is going nuts with texts messages from my ex....." I need to see you"...."can I come see you..now".........I called her back and asked if everything was ok, she said "yes I just miss you Chris and I need to see you".......ends up...she got in a fight with this guy and went out by herself drinking. When she was leaving her house she went to get clothes, he told her "no you want clothes go to target and by some or stay you @ss at home". (she owns the house btw).

 

When she got in the car I was very much like a rock, because all the times in the past I was the one to give and always got hurt. I told her " i'm not even gonna say anything right now, you can speak".......she starts with the " I'm done with him...I want him out". " I miss you and love you and I f^%ked up"......I basically let her know I will be there for her a million% to get her some help and we can work on us...but this guy has to go period.......she says it is weird that she saw my sister in law because she was thinking bout her that day and it was her day off and my sister actually never goes there....she also said that day her mom was telling her that day bout a card I wrote her after we split up.

 

Fast forward to friday night 11/11. I get a text on my cell at 1am. " you wanna get a drink?". I told her if she wants to come by we can talk, but I def think this is something that needs to be done sober. She comes by I brought her in my house. Turns out they had another fight, he threw her accross the room and he told her " do what you wanna do...go see whoever you want...I don't care".......once again she tells me she is done with him and wants us. I told her if she wants me she has to make a move like soon...within the next couple of days...she needs to tell him to get out.....I told her she needs to "show" me something...all she is doing is "talking" a good game I need to "see" something..........she starts with.....that is unrealistic in 2 days.....it's not like I hate him and can just say get out.......she did say she would talk to him within the next couple of days.....we ended up hanging out in my room and talking and before you know it we kissed and all catiuon was thrown to the wind and we ended up having sex.( i know it was dumb)......I have been in contact with her all this week and she said she sat with him the other day to break the ice and talk bout thier relationship and how it isn't working out.......see she isn't one for confrontation and doesn't want it to get ugly between the 2 of them...............I pretty much told her yesterday she needs to move on this ASAP...." I'm not waiting around forever"........she says all her friends tell her the same thing....she needs to move on this because she is going to loose me................She told me yesterday she needs to check her work schedule and see when she is gonna be off and she keeps saying " I'm gonna sit and talk to him".......I told her lastnight " I don't wanna hear from you again, until he is out"....I also let her know" I have a date in mind on when I feel he should be out.....if you call me after then....I'm sorry I can't do this"..........she said "ok I'm gonna call you back with something concrete".

 

I know alot of people say RUN.... she is gonna hurt you again....it can never work...after how she left you and what she did......but the fact remains.....I have loved this girl since we were kids....we shared a huge bond for 11 years and were inseperable.

 

What is going on in her head?

 

Can this work?

 

Do you think she will get him out?

 

Is she just using me because she is going through a tough time (which she denies)

 

need some help bad.............I can't just tell her to take a hike at this point.....I will ALWAYS wonder what could have been.......she has been on my brain for 13 years now NONSTOP.........another strange note......her and I always used to make a wish when the clock hit 11:11...that night before she came by and this is true........I saw a shooting star and a friend said make a wish....well I made my usual wish bout me and her.....the date that night was 11-11.....and she came by that night....weird huh................PLEASE HELP IF ANYONE CAN???????????????

[Hannibal]

I dont have much time but it sounds like this new guy is an abuser, anyone who throws her accross the room surely qualifies as that. I'd try to point that out to her. will post more later!

[DN]

Is she just using me because she is going through a tough time (which she denies)

 

Sorry, but it very much seems as if she is. If she really wanted you he would be gone and she would be with you right now.

 

You represent a safe place in which she felt protected and secure.

Be very careful how you proceed. I think you may be headed for heartbreak even if she does finally leave this guy.

[needhelp112692]

Sorry, but it very much seems as if she is. If she really wanted you he would be gone and she would be with you right now.

 

You represent a safe place in which she felt protected and secure.

Be very careful how you proceed. I think you may be headed for heartbreak even if she does finally leave this guy.[

 

Unfortunatley I would tend to agree with you and I told her "everyone agrees if you wanted me bad enough he would be gone".

 

She says...she wishes she would have gotten him out before coming to me and knows that would have been the right thing to do.....she also says she isn't willing to let me go..so she knows she has to do what she has to do.....she just says she wasn't ready to have it done so rushed.

[Hope75]

I agree with DN on this one. Actions speak louder than words. She wants him out every time they have a fight but then she says it isn't fair to throw him out once the fight is over.

 

It really sounds as though you are being used whenever things with her boyfriend aren't going right. What she's doing isn't fair to you--plus she's showing exceedingly bad character by cheating on her boyfriend and stringing you along.

 

If she were truly unhappy with the boyfriend and really wanted to be with you she would be. Sounds like she wants her cake and to eat it too.

 

I'd be shut of her if I were you, you are just setting yourself up for further heartbreak.

[Beec]

Look, if you really want her to make a choice, you may need to pull the rug out form under her. When she wants you support and he is around, remove your support. Don't do anything bad, jsut don't be there, until he is gone.

 

if you really want things to work, I think you have a chance. But you may need to learn a few things.

[chai714]

NeedHelp,

She will take you for granted if you let her. As much as it might hurt you, you can't be her rock and be at her beckon call. Let her know (without giving her a specific ultimatum) that you care for her and want her to have a better life. She knows a better life won't happen with Mr. Abusive, but she knows that you'll be there to listen to her cry for the 27th time after another episode with him. Beec said withdraw that support so long as he is around. I agree with that. You can train her mind to think in such a way that, "as long as I have this man, Needhelp won't be there." If I lose Mr. Abuser though, Needhelp will be there." So, remember that you're conditioned her psyche everytime you interact with her. Now, simply train her to know you won't be there for her with him in the picture. This isn't easy, but can be done.

[LearningProcess]

Bro, it sounds kinda sketchy. If she really wants you back she needs to earn you back, and slowly. First off, this guy needs to go (and he needs to get his *CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED* beaten severely for throwing her). Shes confused and you being the first person to turn to could be a good thing, or a bad thing. Good thing meaning, you are the one she can trust Bad thing meaning, you are the one she can depend on. She cant become over depenent on you just because she knows you are there. if you want to give it another chance, don't listen to anyone but yourself. Stop and take a look at the big picture, and the grand scheme of things. If you can rationally think it can work out, at least give a date or 2 a shot. But play hard to get man, im not saying play games, but dont always be there when you are needed. Get off the phone quick, make the conversations quick and condensed and you be the one to get off the phone. be careful man, but above all...Make her prove it. Don't tell her to though, see if she does it on her own. Best wishes