Question for guys (and girls too, I suppose)

[sweetheart230]

I'm just trying to get some insight into the minds of men. Why is it, that in general (I say in general, because I know there are exceptions) when a woman has sex or oral sex with a man early on (within a week or so of knowing him) or before she knows him well, does he usually not think of her as the "girlfriend" type or want to pursue anything more serious and committed with her?

 

I'm only asking this because my friend and I had a debate about it. Also, women generally will still want to take a man seriously even they ahve had sex very early. But I have noticed that men usually don't take girls seriously when they have sex or get head from them early on. I mean we live in the age of sexual liberation, but my experience has led me to believe that this is the general behavior of men? Is this true? Why?

[sprawl]

I think it might just come down to the fact that a lot of men don't place such a high value on sex. It doesn't always mean there's a real attachment there--so even if a relationship would be short-lived anyway, sex won't really extend it much. As soon as it gets boring (the relationship in general, not just the sex) then it's time to move on. The sexual aspect of the relationship didn't have any substantial effect... just made it a little more fun while it lasted.

 

Maybe women in general tend to place much more importance on what it means to the relationship?

[stratguy620]

Well, many guys see a woman as just a challenge, with the prize for overcoming the challenge being sex. After he gets his prize, he moves on and forgets about her. Also, at least with me, if a girl was ready for sex with me after just a week, I wouldn't want a serious relationship with her. Maybe it's just me, but I like to hold out for a while before I do something so serious with someone...

[sweetheart230]

Why is this, though?

[ShySoul]

The guys who would do that are the kind of guys who don't place a very high value on sex or on the girl they are with. They probably aren't looking for something serious and weren't planning on getting really close to the girl to begin with. For some, there goal and motivation was the sex. It's distrubing, but some people are only concerned with how much they can "score."

 

It also fits into the stereotypes of males and females. For many males they have convinced themselves that they manhood and worthiness is tied into the ability to sleep with a women. Thus, getting sex makes them feel like a man, and getting it so quickly makes them feel even more manly. These kind of guys aren't able to think with their big heads and with their hearts very well, so when it comes to a serious relationship, they are scared and don't want any part of it. Women on the other hand, are more emotional and sensitive. Their focus is generally on the romance element. Sex is a much more emotional thing to them and bonds are formed. They get attached to the person easily and thus want to make the relationship work and will try hard to make it work.

 

There is, of course, exceptions. There are women who are only out for sex and who will drop a guy after they have it. And there are guys who want the relationship to last, who focus on the emotional element and the bond that is formed. But the stereotype is that men want sex, women want relationships. And for many people they buy into these views and thus continue to perpetuate them.

[Hannibal]

Here comes an exception. My (ex) girlfriend and I slept together before we even started to date. We had a good relationship and oddly enough we continue to sleep together even after being broken up.

[ShySoul]

Here comes an exception. My (ex) girlfriend and I slept together before we even started to date. We had a good relationship and oddly enough we continue to sleep together even after being broken up.

 

And what happens when one of you finds another relationship? Or what if one suddenly starts wanting to rekindle the flame but the other isn't interested? That arrangement can't last forever, it it is asking for trouble later on.

[sweetheart230]

So if a guy is nice he will still consider taking a girl seriously if she sleeps with him or gives him a blow job in a very short amount of time? Personally, I probably wouldn't do that early on, but I'm curious about the man's perspective.

[ShySoul]

Personally, I wouldn't rush things like that and think that the best guys would wait awhile first. But if it did happen that quickly, I would not lose interest in the girl and there are guys out who feel the same way. There are guys who want think the relationship comes first and would want it to work.

[teacup]

it takes awhile to know someone. sometimes our infatuation is with the mystery of who the person is and finding out who they are.

 

i really like this guy but i am also wondering if he will bore me silly and if he is anal and if i will get tired of him. i also wonder if he will tire of me or get bored of me or if we are even compatible or whatever. sometimes i think i am too good for him and that he is too old

 

it's weird, i want to sleep with him but then i dont because i dont know if i really want to be with him. im thinking i could go in either direction....hmmmmmm.

 

he seems to be putting the breaks on sexually though, which is strange because he was the one who told me he wanted sex really early on. and i was the one wanting a relationship. but like i've been intiating sexual stuff lately....hmm hmm.

 

but i dont think i'll sleep with him. too bad.

[PocoDiablo]

If you gave me a blow job, I would assume it was not serious.

 

If you slept with me, I would assume it was serious. But some guys just want to get laid. I used to. Now that I am older, I want a real woman.

 

Guys are horny, it's evolution at work.

[RayKay]

I think sweetheart you will find that while this may be the predominant outcome....that it is not always necessarily true, nor would it always end because the guy "lost interest in her for it".

 

For the first part, there are many men whom do not "lose respect" if sex is had earlier on - it seems rather hypocritical to me when they do, but that aside, I think if both people are doing it for the right reasons - ie they both want to, don't place big expectations on it (ie sex won't win you a relationship or guarantee one), are both sure of whom they are and so forth, it does not have to turn out where he loses respect for her. I generally find that couples whom are older and have had more life/relationship experience will often have sex earlier then those whom are much younger, and may not tie as much to it. Sure it would be great if things worked out, but they don't place on the relationship that if they have sex 'they are not meant to be forever' and so things still can develop naturally, and since this was part of the natural development, no respect was lost on either side.

 

For the second part, I think it may be often a case where the elements for a good relationship may have never been there in the first place. Sex won't change that, but it may bring in more emotions for one or both parties then were intended, or more pressure then is needed that early on. Often after sex, the expectations of one party may change (ie one may think they are now "serious" or "official" when no discussion has been made on that so far) which can also add stress or cause the other partner to realize they had different intentions or interests in the relationship. Often I think when couples have sex too early, before an emotional commitment is there, it can falsely have them thinking there is more to what they have then there really may be. It ends because it was never really meant to be in the first place, but sex obscured that.

 

All that being said, I still think if you WANT a committed relationship you should wait until a emotional relationship has been established between you two, and that sex is added into the relationship once that exclusivity, and commitment are there.

[sweetheart230]

I don't necessarily want a committed relationship, but casual sex seems so risky. I don't necessarily mean that he loses respect for you...he will just more likely than not see you differently and not take you as seriously. I mean my friend hasn't dated this guy...they've watched movies in his place and make out three or four times...it seems so soon to have gone to oral sex already. Maybe I'm just a prude. I wish I knew more about people and men. I don't know anything.

 

Am I really off about this? I don't know. Maybe people are out there having sex all the time and it doesn't really have consequences and I just don't understand the world.

[PocoDiablo]

I don't know if this will help, but here's something to think about:

 

When I was younger, say 18-25 I would be patient and wait for a woman to decide if she wanted to have sex.

 

As I got older I realized that sex is an integral and very important part of healthy relationships. If I were dating someone and we did not have sexual chemistry or did not have sex within a few dates I would move on. At my age I understand most women are not prude and are sexually experienced. Sex is fun and can be a safe and pleasurable activity. Anyone who does not want to have sex is - in my opinion - hung up on something. Either they don't like me or don't like sex, or maybe it's some other issue, but in the end it does me no good. I want an adult who can have an adult relationship.

 

Only children do not have sex, in my opinion.

[Day_Walker]

I think it all depends on peoples motives from the beginning. Your assumptions may be true but the point is that you will never really know a persons motives early on. I think you also have to look at the persons history with girls. The truth is that early on you dont really know eachothers true motives but there are ways where you can find out what they person is looking for.

[sweetheart230]

A few dates is one thing. I'm talking about like a week. And as I said, I'm not talking about myself. I am literally unable to have comfortable sex at the moment because I'm too tight, so I wasn't talking about myself. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.

 

Am I crazy to think that sex without meaning behind it is so much less fun, and n ot really worth it? I'm seriously beginning to think I'm just a stupid prude and really uptight.

[Derek]

Sweetheart2, Don't be ashamed for feeling that sex without meaning is , well, without meaning. Because it is.

 

I think you have a healthier view about sex than others that have hardened their feelings and probably will have difficulty bonding with anyone. For some people, it is a mere mechanical act. But at least you still are hoping for that spiritual/emotional, magical even, connection.

 

Which I believe can still happen.

 

Don't fall for the easy way out. Go the path less travelled. Stick to your standards and you'll be ready when you are ready. Whether that is marriage or whatever you think is right. Then you can go into the situation with eyes wide open, clear conscience, lights on, without an internal conflict, with no doubts about it and know you are doing right.

 

I have rarely heard of people regretting waiting, but very very often heard of people regretting dropping their standards and giving it away on a whim.

 

 

 

[ShySoul]

Well said Derek. You are completely right.

 

And any guy who would expect sex from a girl (or for that matter any girl who would expect sex from a guy), is not worth the time. If you are going to have sex, it should be when the moment is completely right. There should be zero doubts in your mind. It should be with someone you know very well and with whom you are both committed to.

 

sweetheart230, if you are an uptight prude then I wish more girls were uptight prudes. You definitely have the right attitude, and don't let anyone change your mind. Sex without meaning, after a week isn't worth it.

[CharLit]

Depends on the situation... I think ShySoul has a good point, but not being a guy, I can't really answer that one...

 

My boyfriend and I were good friends, and each secretly in love with the other for half a year before we found out it was mutual... once we realised that we had sex within the week - but I wouldn't have done that if i hadn't been absolutely sure we were both in it for the long term. That was three years ago