The Ex invited me out for a drink tonight...

[allein]

We have been broken up now almost 5 weeks. tomorrow is her bday, and last sat would have been our 1 yr anniv. On Sat I told her I don't think we should talk anymore. Mostly because the past few talks were awkward and she kept bringing up why we broke up. She wanted to make sure i 'understood'. I only understand that she is stupid to break us up. Anyway, On sat I said I think we should talk anymore. She agreed, but we texted a few more times that day. I told her she never had as much invested in this as I did, so when she says she doesn't feel like any time was 'wasted' on this relationship, I said, how could you feel that way, I was the one that wasted on you, you just used me. Anyway, so later that night she texts me and asks if we could talk. I told her no, I was busy. This was Saturday...

 

She texts me monday to say hi and have a good day. I do not respond. Then nothing yesterday, but today, she tries to call. I don't answer. then she texts again, saying she would really love to see me tonight and have pre bday drinks. (her bday is 2mrw, the 10th)

 

I don't want to go see her tonight. She dumped me, I need to heal. I am so in love with her. I don't want to hurt her and be mean and ignore her on her bday, but why should I go? She is being selfish. She misses me and just wants to see me. but what will that do? Only make me go home sadder than I was before I go there. So, anyway, I'm not going out with her. and I have not responded to her text to tell her no.

 

My question... should I text her and tell her no. Also, should I wish her a happy bday? I don't want to hurt her. should I continue NC, or tell her happy bday but I won't be out. I do NOT want to hurt her. I love her so much.......

 

Help.....

[Hope75]

Why did you break up?

 

Do you really think the reason was..."stupid"?

[allein]

well, i've posted my story many times before, but basically she said the spark was gone. we were together 13 months. broke up for the same reason after 6 months. but she came back to me and said she realized what was important and she wanted to be with me. So I took her back. Then towards the end she said the spark was gone. She will be 25 tomorrow, I am 32. I don't think her reason was stupid, but I do think she made the biggest mistake of her life by dumping me. I'm a great partner. But whatever........ Anyway, my dilema is weather or not to respond to her. Eitherway, I will not go out.... I am thinking I should not respond to her. I need to maintain NC. She is my soulmate, but I can't be a spectator to her dating life. we just can't be friends right now. She must know this..... but maybe not..... but if not, she must not be paying attention to the words that are coming out of my mouth.

 

I am so angry at her for contacting me. it's almost like she doesn't want me to heal. It's like, even though she doesn't want to be with me, she still wants to know she could have me if she changed her mind. I don't want to be her fallback in times of trouble. I can't let her continue to have that hold on me.... even though I want her to have that hold on me. But I've got to have some dignity here.

[beanpaper]

You're right, you don't stand to gain anything from talking to her. Ignore her!

[DN]

Why not wish her a happy birthday but say that seeing her is too difficult right now.

[Hope75]

I agree with DN. Just let her know that it is too painful to have a friendship with her when you want something more from her. Let her know that you wish to be left alone, so that you can heal.

[allein]

well. i did it. I told her i happy bday, but i can't see you, it's too painful.

so then she calls, i don't answer. she leaves a message about how much she wants to hear my voice. Then she texts letting me know she left me a voice mail and that she's thinking of me. I did not respond. The she called again this mornining, blocked her number, but i knew it was her so I didn't answer. Then she left me a long message about how she really wants to hear my voice, how she has all this cool stuff going in her life but she doesn't want to tell me in VM, but she tells anyway about a trip to NYC she got offered and a possible move to Seattle (somewhere she's watned to live). Then she says again how badly she wants to talk, how she hates that i'm not talking to her, and to call her.

 

Can she not get a clue? Why is she doing this. It is hurting me so much. I was really doing fine, getting over the breakup until she texted me something last thursday while I was out.... she said ' i'm really horny right now, it reminded me what was wrong with the relationship' ever since then she's been txting me and i've been crying..... why is she doing this?

[sukerbut]

she feels liek she is losing power.. she probably is missing you but not enough to commit...she wants to hold on just in case her other relationships dont work out because you treated her so well..the bottom line she is selfish...i know the feeling brother...i am going through this right now...nut i dont even get i miss your voice and text msgs..which is prob for the best...now its time to cut her off completely..i dont undrstand why they break up and keep calling you..actually i do..because i was like that with my 7 year ex..she loved me wanted to marry me but iw as to busy with other girls and partying so i would break up with her and pull the same stunts..i needed to know i had someone that still loved me..so every time i would get lonely i woudl go back to her...dont do it..if its meant to be it will be in the future..we dont know what the future hold but we do know what the present holds..and by you being her pawn .. there will be no future ever wwith her (if thats what you want) and there will be no piece and healing for yourself..you have to walk away..live your life and who knows what the future will bring..be strong bro i am feeling you

[RayKay]

Stay strong allein - her reason for ending it was her choice, and for her valid, however......big however is....she needs to realize she CANNOT have it both ways. She cannot still have you as an emotional tampon and best friend when she broke up with you.

 

You were VERY clear last Saturday you did not want any more contact, and it would seem now she is finally realizing that you MEAN it and is reacting to it. But, despite how much she calls you to tell you what is going on in HER life (see, emotional tampon!) she is NOT calling to say she made a mistake and say she wants to work things out together.

 

You said Happy Birthday, and you could not talk to her, and yet she is still ignoring that - she expects you to respect HER for not wanting to be with you, yet can't respect you for not wanting to talk to her right now? Hmmm....she agrees not to talk, yet ignores it as it suits her...

 

Keep blocking her calls, and not answering unless you KNOW whom it is and so forth. You are doing well. She needs to realize what it means to lose you, and don't let yourself be a doormat while she can do whatever she chooses while still having you "there". For 25, she sounds right now very emotionally "young" when it comes to relationships.

 

I am sorry that you missed your 1 yr anniversary on Saturday I read that and got sad as my boyfriend and I actually had our anniversary the following day....so I felt bad for you.

[allein]

So, here I am, a few days later and she is still not respecting NC. She is really making this harder then she needs to. On her bday, she texted me later in the night telling me she was getting tattooed.. wishes i was there.... i do not respond of course. Then yesterday morn, she texts again to wish me a good day and to let me know once again that she does not like this 'no talking' thinkg. I do not respond. I wanted to. I wanted to so bad. I wanted to say, well i don't like this whole 'break up' thing, so just deal with it...... but alas, i didn't. I don't know how much longer i can go without at least responding to her. Even tho I shouldn't, I want to tell her I love her... I won't, but I want to so bad.... I miss her so much... I wish she would just leave me alone!

i've been pretty sad the past few days

[chaos]

Stay strong man. I'm dealing with the same stuff. Our two year anniversary would have been on the 8th. Unfortunately I can't do NC completely as she still has a bunch of stuff at what used to be our apartment, but is now mine. Hopefully she can get the rest of her stuff out tomorrow but there's still unfinished business. She's promised to pay me back the money I'd spent supporting us, and I still need the keys from her, etc... But, hopefully after her stuff is out we can have a nice long break with NC. It's been 4 weeks today and I'm doing a lot better, but... Everyone has ups and downs, and this past week has pretty much been one long down. Hopefully the up will last just as long or longer, whenever it happens.

[Hope75]

How are you doing Allien?

 

Maybe if she contacts you again, a simple text reminding her that it was her choice to break up and she can't have it both ways will settle your need to respond.

 

Or, if you feel strong enough, keep ignoring her, which may be best, as you have already told her where you stand.

 

Stay strong!

[allein]

Hi Hope,

Thanks for checking on me. I'm doing alright. Still sad. Still loving her and still missing her. She has contacted me twice since my last post. On Saturday, she wanted to tell me happy saturday and to let me know, once again, she is not happy with this no talking thing.

 

Then last night I got another text from her that has me a bit confused.

it said,

 

" my step mom was sad she didn't get a chance to meet you while she was in town. but she knows that she will have a chance to meet you some time in the future. You are doing a really good job of blocking me out. I think of you every single day. I've been working a lot, but also have been very sick lately. I hope you are taking care of yourself, and I hope you are happy"

 

First of all, step mom will meet me in the future? what is that? huh? what? does that mean some day she wants to be together again? unlikely.... maybe it just means she thinks we'll be good friends someday...... ulikely as well.. what was that about? Then the I think of you everyday comment? what? huh? And lastly, the I hope your happy comment. what? does she believe i am happy because I am successfully ignoring her? I want so bad to respond and tell her I am not happy. I WAS happy when we were together but NOT happy now... however, it's best that she doesn't know that I suppose...... i just don't know.

 

why would she say those things? after that text i'm feeling like, well maybe I should talk to her, maybe she is really missing me and wanting me back. But i don't want to be a fool, so i don't think I will......

 

any ideas why she keeps texting when she obviously knows i'm ingoring her? This is so hard when i am so in love with her. nothing would make me happier than to have her in my arms.

[Da5id]

any ideas why she keeps texting when she obviously knows i'm ingoring her? This is so hard when i am so in love with her.

 

Dude... she's being VERY selfish. There is no way that enough time has passed for you and her to have changed enough as people that it will magically work if you try again.

 

She's not respecting you and every time she does this she's causing you pain. I am sorry you're going through it... but bro, I am proud of you for not giving in and trying to work it out. Great work man... as hard as it is...

 

nothing would make me happier than to have her in my arms.

 

(sigh)

 

That's not true... I promise. As a matter of fact, nothing would cause you more emotional pain... after of course the quick fix of feeling comfortable and relieved for a little while.

 

I know this... because I did it. And to be honest with you... I am in absolute anguish.

 

That anguish I feel from the loss though... is temporary and it's more comfortable than the stress of being with my ex and knowing it was going to end at any moment... that it would never work between us.

 

Hang in there! Maintain NC, stay where the love is... and let the clock do its thing.

 

-D

[allein]

well... she did it...... she got through to me.........

 

here i am, at my office, my phone rings, i see the number... but i don't recognize it as hers. I just see a local area code and think it's one of my friends. That is the last time that will happen. I will make sure it is NOT her number if I see another local call coming through on my work phone. she's never called my office phone before, ever. Even while together, so it was unexpected. But she won't catch me off guard like that again.... I am angry and hurting now...

 

I answered the phone. She said my name but I didn't recognize her voice because she is sick. so I just said, "yes?" and she said it's me... L******. I said, oh... hi... u ok? I asked her that because her voice. She sounded sad. But she informed me I was sick. She then said "I had no idea I would miss talking to you as much as I am. I had no idea. I guess that's a good thing." I'm not sure why she said that's a good thing. So I said, "well, that's the gamble you take". She said, 'well don't be a stranger ok?' and I didn't say anything but sighed. She said , 'well I guess that answers that'. I said ' I don't want to talk with you because it reminds me of what I've lost' I'm not sure why I said that, I don't think it's even true. I think I just don't want to talk to her because I'm hurt. But whatever. She then said "I told from the beginning that you don't have to lose me completely". I didn't say anything to that but what the heck is that supposed to mean and she's never said that before. I just told her I couldn't talk because I was at work. She said she'd call me on the first after my surgery and I said ,'u don't have to'. She said 'I want to'. That was it.

 

This was last night. Then this morning I was weak and texted her. I said " take care of yourself and feel better soon. I still think of you everyday too ok? Please don't write back. I just wanted to say hi after hearing your voice yesterday" .

 

She did not respond as I requested. But I feel so weak. She just sounded so sad and pathetic and she's been trying so hard to get in touch with me and I've been so cold to ignore her. But it has been necessary. I still love her. I still want her. I don't know why anymore. But I still do. She still has control, but at least she doesn't think she has it. I think after last night, and my text that she will not contact me now until my surgery. I feel like a weak person for texting her, but I had to let her know that I do still think of her because she still thinks of me. Obviously.

 

I don't know. Just feeling low. I miss our relationship………… but I'm not sure why anymore. Is that progress?

[Hope75]

It takes time to get over someone. Don't beat yourself up for feeling weak and contacting her, it happens. We are all human.

 

Sounds like she's trying to maintain control by calling you. By saying you haven't lost her completely, what is she trying to say? She knows you want a relationship with her, and she isn't willing to give that to you.

 

If you aren't ready to handle being just friends with her (and it sounds like you aren't, because you clearly want more-- and that's not your fault), than you just have to try your hardest to ignore her.

 

Unless she's calling to say she's sorry, she made a mistake, and she wants you back, it's just going to hurt you and set you back each time you talk to her.

 

It's up to you, but I think in the long run it will be an easier recovery for you if you leave her be and ignore her.

 

Let her feel the consequences of her decision to leave you. That means you won't be available to talk to her whenever she feels lonely. That's what it means when she says "it's over", now let her feel it.

[allein]

well.... she called again the other day, and I answered. I'm not sure why but I really wanted to talk to her. I was still in bed, her call woke me up. I'm very very sweet in the morning when I first wake up so it was a good time for us to talk because it was too early for me to have my walls up because I had such a good night sleeping.

 

Well, she was shocked I answered. She said she was calling to leave a message. I got a little bit of satisfaction from all of that. Anyway, she was calling to offer me, once again, a ride to or from my surgery coming up next week. I told her no, i'll take the bus. Then she started saying how she missed me. How she wishes we were snuggled together in bed. I acknowledged that I still had those feelings too. But I can't really be around whenever she wants me to be. Anyway, it was a nice conversation. It was good timing for it anyway.

 

Well, I didn't hear a text or anything from her that night and most of the next day and I thought ok, cool, maybe now I'll continue with the NC plan. So thats what I've done. But of course, she still can not tolerate NC. She texted me last night with somethings I did not want to read yet.

 

First text said, " When do u think we could spend some time 2gether "

 

I was a little bit shocked that she asked me that. I did not have answer, so did not respond. She waited like 10 min and then sent another text that has me wondering what the heck is she thinking? if anyone has any insight into this behaviour, help me understand.

 

Her next text said, " OK. thats OK. I know that was putting u on the spot. I'm just puttin that out there. U gotta spell on me? "

 

Um......... huh? I have not responded. Not sure that I will. I just don't know what that really means, and I don't really want to know. I mean, people don't usually say that whole " i'm just puttin that out there " unless they are wanting something, um, i don't know, something.

 

She has me perpelexed and confused more than before. I'm not going to take this bait, but what do you think she is meaning with all of this now? Still just being selfish or interested in getting back together? I'm not sure what to think of her anymore. she seems so confused and conflicted within herself with these last couple of contacts we have had.

sorry this was so long. if you read it, thanks.

[RayKay]

One, if you want someone back...you don't text them. Well anyone whom has some respect does not.

 

Two, it did not sound like an "I'm sorry, I made a mistake, can we work things out together?" to me.....

[Hawk]

RayKay - that's the only phone call I would respond to - anything else is just playing with your mind.

[Hope75]

allien,

 

Why don't you just lay it out on the line the next time she calls? Tell her that you can't play this game with her. Either she wants to get back together and try to work things out as a team, or she lets you go and lets you heal and get on with your life.

 

She's pulling this back and forth game with you and it's got you in a tail spin and no wonder you can't figure her out, she's so inconsistant!

 

It isn't fair of her to do this to you. She was the one who ended the relationship. If she wants to be with you and try and work it out, she needs to say it out straight and stop messing around with you.

 

I would ask her straight out next time you talk to her. (if that's what you want.) If not, tell her to leave you alone.