he wants 2 get back,but so scared 2 give a 2nd chance..help

[danylion]

Ok I origionally posted this in healing after a break up, but I am considering restablishing our relationship. My Ex broke up over a month ago all of a sudden, saying it was his issues and that he couldn't see a future, commitment issues. He is an honest man and I respected his decision so he left. It was so difficult as I was very much in love and was enjoying the my best relationship so far. It was a strange break up as we didn't argue, all so very sad....but I had to get on with life.

 

So the month passes and I was doing no contact ( all bar a few texts re the flat and 1 meeting) but I saw him When he moved out the rest of his stuff, it was so emotional and it was obvious we still loved each other. I mean the air was charged with it. He asked me if i'd like to come with him to his new flat to he had to pay, do paperwork and pick up his keys. I found myself agreeing as i was so curious to where he was living, had been imagining it in my head for the past month. So we went , walked there and the weather was amazing. We got on so well, kinda like "oh well its such a shame it did'nt work out". He kept saying to me that it was his problem and that i shold never blame myself. Which ofcourse i had been.

 

Well I Saw the flat and that it was pretty average, but i was positive about it because i really do want the best for him, which shocked me. I was waiting to feel bitter and mad but they did not follow!

 

Basically he tried to kiss me and hug me, I pulled away, saying that this was'nt fair and that my head was screwed up enough. He really looked sad and kept sighing, it was so hard so we just held each other standing in the middle of an empty kitchen for about 50 mins. He cried but i didnt as I think i was all cried out!

 

I said I'd better go and he said he'd walk me to the park. We got to the park, i went to say goodbye and he said, 'well seeing as we're here lets sit in the park and I'll buy you a coffee for coming and getting my keys with me'. I said' ok', we stayed there till dusk, longest cuppa Ive ever had. We talked about new future things and what had been happening since we'd been apart, no old memories. I said I had to go as I was going to a party, which I was. I went to leave and he tried to Kiss but I turned away, I admit I felt scared and didnt expect him to feel this way...I was very nervous and said my goodbyes and bolted.

 

I knew he still loved me but it was'nt enough. To cut a long story short he has been in contact and realised he has made the biggest mistake and wants to be with me. He said he had to loose what was important to realise what was important. He was scared and thought he was not abled to give me what I wanted and when he confronted me I always jumped the gun and automatically feared the worse.

 

Basically the ball is in my court, we have met up a few times to talk. Its all so emotional and charged. When I am with him it feels right and its not cos I miss him or that I'm lonely. You see I am actually enjoying living on my own. I just dont know what to do, I have to be with him and that is all I know right now. He said he did'nt deal with it, he blocked it out while he was at his brothers and then all a sudden he was paying for this new flat and leaving me and he thought, no I don't want this, what have I done.

 

But I am so scared of being hurt again! Typically he's reading the book high fidelity again, he is trying to work out his commitment phobes. He thinks it is partly due to his dad's attitude to his marriage and having kids- they are a burden (which I have whitnessed his dad do and it always annoyed me, I felt bad for his mom). But can people really change and just realise that they really know what they want because of a separation?

 

Well thats the update, pretty scary but i'd so wanted him to say this but I never thought he would get through his pride and admit he has made a mistake, I am so shocked and I have never seen him so upset, he such a proud and stubborn man, who has never cried infront of me B4! Decision time!

 

I am so confused! Thanks for reading and sorry to go on, I tried to condense it as best I could my previous posts are in my profile. cheers

[CATLOVER]

Hmmm listen to your fear at the moment......and if its meant to be that you two should be together you will be.....but there is no rush. I would ask him if he is willing to start going to counselling for his commitment issues....if you can see he is working on it then you may feel a bit safer...but I think if you just jump back in.....as soon as it get heavy he may back off again.....because thats just the nature of his problem.

Protect yourself, you are worth it.

[danylion]

yes I think agree, I would love for us to work out as he is a good man. I think I need him to back off a bit so I can really be sure and if his actions are really how he feels or just a reaction to the initial break up. I know he feels guilty and I am worried this maybe a guilt thing. But i have been getting on with my life and he did make all the contact.

 

This is going to be so hard because you always want it io work so much. I am so angry that this happened in order to realise my worth. Should I tell him that this angers me and doesn't help rebuilding the trust?

 

It is so easy to fall back in, just being together hugging feels right or is that just familiarity? Very confusing.

 

(PS can I just add, I told him last night my sadness about going back... he said we are not going back at all, He felt very strongly that part of the problem was that we never lived on our own, we shared with another person a mutual friend. Who we both love dearly....but he said the he never felt like it was just us (3's a crowd) , he didn't want to upset anyones feelings or seem ungrateful as it was my flat, it was nothing personal. In the end It got to him and he says that is important now that at some stage - no pressure, that we could live together JUST US and we would'nt be going backwards at all as it will be on our own and totally different, new flat like we should have done before)