broke up,he moved out but he realised he has made a mistake.

[danylion]

I was doing no contact but I saw him When he moved out the rest of his stuff, it was so emotional and it was obvious we still loved each other. He asked me if i'd like to come with him to his new flat to he had to pay, do paperwork and pick up his keys. I found myself agreeing as i was so curious to where he was living, had been imagining it in my head for the past month. So we went , walked there and the weather was amazing. We got on so well, kinda like "oh well its such a shame it did'nt work out". He kept saying to me that it was his problem and that i shold never blame myself. Which ofcourse i had been.

 

Well I Saw the flat and that it was pretty average, but i was positive about it because i really do want the best for him, which shocked me. I was waiting to feel bitter and mad but they did not follow!

 

Basically he tried to kiss me and hug me, I pulled away, saying that this was'nt fair and that my head was screwed up enough. He really looked sad and kept sighing, it was so hard so we just held each other standing in the middle of an empty kitchen for about 50 mins. He cried but i didnt as I think i was all cried out!

 

I said I'd better go and he said he'd walk me to the park. We got to the park, i went to say goodbye and he said, 'well seeing as we're here lets sit in the park and I'll buy you a coffee for coming and getting my keys with me'. I said' ok', we stayed there till dusk, longest cuppa Ive ever had. We talked about new future things and what had been happening since we'd been apart, no old memories. I said I had to go as I was going to a party, which I was. I went to leave and he tried to Kiss but I turned away, I admit I felt scared and didnt expect him to feel this way...I was very nervous and said my goodbyes and bolted.

 

I knew he still loved me but it was'nt enough. To cut a long story short he has been in contact and realised he has made the biggest mistake and wants to be with me. He said he had to loose what was important to realise what was important. He was scared and thought he was not abled to give me what I wanted and when he confronted me I always jumped the gun and automatically feared the worse.

 

Basically the ball is in my court, we have met up a few times to talk. Its all so emotional and charged. When I am with him it feels right and its not cos I miss him or that I'm lonely. You see I am actually enjoying living on my own. I just dont know what to do, I have to be with him and that is all I know right now. He said he did'nt deal with it, he blocked it out while he was at his brothers and then all a sudden he was paying for this new flat and leaving me and he thought, no I don't want this, what have I done.

 

But I am so scared of being hurt again! Typically he's reading the book high fidelity again, he is trying to work out his commitment phobes. He thinks it is partly due to his dad's attitude to his marriage and having kids- they are a burden (which I have whitnessed his dad do and it always annoyed me, I felt bad for his mom). But can people really change and just realise that they really know what they want because of a separation?

 

Well thats the update, pretty scary but i'd so wanted him to say this but I never thought he would get through his pride and admit he has made a mistake, I am so shocked and I have never seen him so upset, he such a proud and stubborn man, who has never cried infront of me B4! Decision time!

 

I am so confused! Thanks for reading and sorry to go on, I tried to condense it as best I could my previous posts are in my profile. cheers

[Beec]

Well, I think you know how he feels. What you need to make sure of is that he is not going to waver to much in how he feels. All of us have our feeligns go up and down, regularly. We all take people for granted, we all only miss things when they are gone, etc., but if someone is fairly stable they don't go up and down drastically. Of course, you may make a drastic change if something make syou change, like you breaking up. Take your time, make sure the change is real, and work your ay back into it.

 

You are worried about being hurt, but I don't think he is faking it.

[cinderella jones]

why did you guys break it off anyway..was there a trust issue in question?...or was it simply that he wasn't ready for a such a serious relationship situation like living together?..Just curious b/c my story is very similar and my x is also now realzing that he made a mistake...the issue with me however is that I dont know how to trust him and am also finding myself questioning if it is possible not to be hurt by this person again...

[danylion]

thanks Beec.

He is saying all the right things, he doesnt expect me to take him back and he knows its an awful situation but he had to let me know. That I should take my time.

 

What has happened is so unlike him, this is why he's so spun out by it all and he never thought he have such massive regret, normally he makes his decisions and thats that end of. Thats why he's listening to his inner voice, he was scared of the future because he thought I wanted marriage and babies now, he freaked but now he says he freaked because he started to think about it and that it was him who actually wanted it but was scared he couldn't provide. His mind snowballed and he got the fear.

 

I need tounderstand and believe his reasons for leaving and only then can I start to even think about letting him into my life, which is different now.

[danylion]

Hi cinderella!

sorry that you are going through this, its a lot of pressure. Like going back and going forward at the same time.

 

I take it you mean trust as in a third party? if so well there was no cheating, After living in my flat for 2 years he just got scared of the future and thought that he wanted different things, ie marriage and family. He built up things in his head instead of talking to me and then bolted. Also he didnt feel in control as it was my flat, bit old fashioned and very pround.

 

He say he feels differently now, but I dont think its that simple.

 

I also dont trust him know purely cos he might do it again! I love him soo much and I would be turning him down because I was scared he'd do it again not because I dont love him with all of my heart.

 

What happened to you, did you leave?

[cinderella jones]

yes he left actually and moved out....we had a cheating issue the first time we broke up but I forgave him...at that point i allowed him to move in...but after time passed i noticed he wasn't trying to committ...so I told him to move out or we move on...he decided to leave and so now ofcourse..he is once again knocking on my door and I feel foolish b/.c I feel after all that I still harbor these weird feelings ...and I know I shouldn't...it's dumb of me too ....but it exists and so although I have moved on...I can't seem to move on completely...yet I am angry at him for interrupting me again and dumping all of his feelings on me again...it sucks for me...but in your case he might actually be sincere in that he wasn't sure...I could understand that...my x said the same thing about it not being his place and all as well..he too is old fashioned and proud..so you may want to think about it...and also maybe there should be something else in the picture for you as far as comittment is concerned as well like a ring b/c that would give you those secured feelings again with him...just a suggestion...lol

[BellaDonna]

From your other post about him:

 

Basically my ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago because he said he couldn't see a future with me, couldn't give me what i want, ie marriage and children and that i would be wanting that soon. Im 28 and he's 34, can i just add i don't want either yet but i will not rule it out. Reluctantly I had to agree as I won't promise any man that I will not get pregnant or want to buy a property. So i had to agree with him , I mean what is the point if he sees no future? So without an argument we said it was for the best....its all so sad, I love him massively and I did want him in my future.

 

Does this mean he's rethinking the idea of potential marriage and a family and a future in general with you. Be sure you get a clear answer on that if you're going to consider taking him back.

 

 

BellaDonna

[danylion]

Yes he has said that he has totally rethought things and wants a future with me, all the commitment. He even talked about children, that he would like girls! I am sceptical, as he never spoke of these things before and avoided the subject. He said that he was fearful because he was beginning to think about the next stages and he's never done that before.

I always thought our break up was out of the blue as I hadn't been talking about children and marriage....actually I was talking about marriage but not mine, my sisters as I am organising the hen weekend! Which has actually put me off marriage!

 

So I will be seeing him tonight, he wants to take me out to dinner to explain exactly what he is thinking and why it happened. He said that I will not press for any answers from me until I have all the facts from him.

I do believe him but I am dont think men can go from commitment phobe to Mr 2.4. He's even been talking about us to his mum and he never does that as she always nagging him to settle down etc....but he said that he had the best conversation with her ever and that she knew this would happen and that he'd finally learnt his lesson. Just all seems a bit too good to be true!?

 

Maybe I do need a sign of commitment, a ring but the ironic thing in all this is I dont want to get married not for a while at least, but he doesnt believe me. I'd rather buy a flat, thats more investment than romantic lol.....

 

Note to cinderella:

I am so sorry that he felt he had the right to cheat on you, this has happened to me with another partner before, who I lived with for 4 years. We did get back together but after that the trust was gone so he started up with a girl we both knew behind my back. If he is show no signs of changing especially if cheating is concerned then move on and let him go. I would not take back my ex now if he cheated on me. I am finding it difficult enough with this current situation and there was no cheating. Trust is so important, its the foundation as it means yo can be honest with each other.

I know every relationship is different, but I would not especially as you are moving on. Good luck sweetheart

[Beec]

It may be too good to be true, but then it may not. Men can have epiphanies (sp?) and change drastically, but something usually needs to happen to them.

 

I may have the story wrong, but it is probably close. I read about it years ago. David Robinson, a retired NBA bastketball player, used to see this one woman. Things were very on and off, he did not think much of it. Then he kind of had a realization one day. He played in the NBA, lots of people wnated lots of things from him, etc., but this one woman treated him differently and seemed to just want to love him. The realization seemed to kind of hit him like a brick on his skull. It changed everything about how he dealt with her, virually instantly. It went from on and off, to getting married rather quickly. I am pretty sure they are still married.

 

Point is men can change quickly, but they don't do it often. Be skeptical, take your time.

[danylion]

Thanks beec.

I really wanted a man's POV. I think taking my time and remaining aware of everything is the best plan....I hope?

 

I said to him that no matter what happens, whether we work out or not, Im pleased he has finally realised that he does deserve to be secure like everyone else. This upset him as he said that yes that may be the case but if its not with me then all this realisation means nothing. He said its all about me.

 

A bit heavy, Im concerned he's putting me on a pedastall and has forgotten the real me, maybe a while down the line he will realise im not the 'great one' (i hate that the one thing).

 

I think all these revelations after a month of pure agony are shocking my system. I think he needs to back off....but I love having him in my life again, Im so weak!

[danylion]

Thanks beec.

I really wanted a man's POV. I think taking my time and remaining aware of everything is the best plan....I hope?

 

I said to him that no matter what happens, whether we work out or not, Im pleased he has finally realised that he does deserve to be secure like everyone else. This upset him as he said that yes that may be the case but if its not with me then all this realisation means nothing. He said its all about me.

 

A bit heavy, Im concerned he's putting me on a pedastall and has forgotten the real me, maybe a while down the line he will realise im not the 'great one' (i hate that the one thing).

 

I think all these revelations after a month of pure agony are shocking my system. I think he needs to back off....but I love having him in my life again, Im so weak!

[Beec]

Well, he seems a little bit weak too.

 

His change is becasue he really got the rug pulled out from under him. You gave him something, and when it was missing, he decided he needed it. it's like a drug and waking up to find you are addicted.

[danylion]

True he is weak, he pulled the rug, he chose to turn our lives upside down.

 

I am not sure if I want to waste my time seeing if his insecurities resurface.

 

He broke up for a reason, that reason can't just disappear. I think he needs a reality check,

 

you have turned my thinking. Thank you.

[Beec]

Well, I didn't mean to change your thinking 180 degrees. And as I mentioned this morning, reasons can disappear. Men can change how they think.

 

If he flip-flops, get away. If he is steady in the change, watch it.

[danylion]

I think my guard is a good thing, i just seem to be questioning everything he says. Its another case of slowly time will tell.

 

well I'll be watching for those flip flops!

 

Thanks for taking the time to advise me esp all the way from NYC

[perseverance_rules]

I have known many couples to break after a long relationship, and then later realize the do love each other. Love if its real is VERY hard to find...dont take this situation lightly, and dont push it off as him just wanting to be with someone again, obviously he loves you and wants to be with you. I think his way of speaking to you as youve quoted is an honest way of saying, hey i screwed up, give me another chance, if not I understand.

 

Those few realtionships I spoke about both have been married for 7 years and have two beautiful children together. It can happen for the better. Not all relationships that end are destined to be THE END.

[danylion]

Perseverance, thank you- I want so to give him that second chance. I do believe him that he means it and that he wants it right now. But i have always been in it for the future and it still grinds on me that he apparently wasnt and now is, to be honest I am just so scared that he will change his mind again and I will be forever walking on eggshells anticipating him getting the fear again. We spoke about this last night and he said he would do anything I asked, I OK marry me and he said I will be the one to ask you that, he said that he see's marriage in our future.

 

In regards to me walking on eggshells he said that he will be the same as he is so scared of me realising that I should'nt have given him a chance, that he'd be worrying about my thoughts.

 

Even though he is saying all the right words, which I don't doubt he means. I am just not sure the reasons for them are what he thinks, maybe its just post break up insecurity. The fear of being on his own in a new flat, missing the simple advantages of having company.

 

Should I ask for a break to reassure myself or would this do more damaged as he is being so open and honest which I feel even though he put us through the mill, he feels like he's really found himself. Would more time apart prolong the rebuilding of the relationship and the trust. Or Should I keep him at arms length to see if these are his real feelings.

[danylion]

Perseverance, thank you- I want so to give him that second chance. I do believe him that he means it and that he wants it right now. But i have always been in it for the future and it still grinds on me that he apparently wasnt and now is, to be honest I am just so scared that he will change his mind again and I will be forever walking on eggshells anticipating him getting the fear again. We spoke about this last night and he said he would do anything I asked, I OK marry me and he said I will be the one to ask you that, he said that he see's marriage in our future.

 

In regards to me walking on eggshells he said that he will be the same as he is so scared of me realising that I should'nt have given him a chance, that he'd be worrying about my thoughts.

 

Even though he is saying all the right words, which I don't doubt he means. I am just not sure the reasons for them are what he thinks, maybe its just post break up insecurity. The fear of being on his own in a new flat, missing the simple advantages of having company.

 

Should I ask for a break to reassure myself or would this do more damaged as he is being so open and honest which I feel even though he put us through the mill, he feels like he's really found himself. Would more time apart prolong the rebuilding of the relationship and the trust. Or Should I keep him at arms length to see if these are his real feelings.

[Beec]

If he is saying all the right things and backing them up with what he does, then I don't think you breaking it off is the right idea.

 

I am all for a little manipulation. There's manipualtion in getting each other to do chores, pick where you want to go for vacation, for dinner, deciding on a movie to see, when and where and how to have sex, etc. I know we all do it, but there are limits and when you push the limits, bad things happen. The subtler the manipulation, the lack of extremes in it, the better off all concerned parties end up. And you breaking it off smacks of a big amount of passive aggressive behavior. Would it be you dumping him to get in a dump of your own? Would it be done to get him to chase you more, because you were hurt and need that to make you feel better? The guy wants you and you want him, breaking it off would not help that, would it?

 

Keeping him at some distance is a good idea. But if you keep seeing him, the distance is going to have to dwindle and eventually get to nothing. You seem to have questions of trust now, and that is understandable, but you also want him. So, you need to progress to keeping him feeling as he is feeling and then a bit more. In other words, get back with him, but with some distance (actually the distance should open and close all the time), and plant the idea in his head that there is a sell by date on the relationship.