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don't you wish you were as hot as her?


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annie,

he's not my ex, he's my now live-in boyfriend that is a total nightmare. we just moved in together a few weeks ago. now he acts like a big *** and I am going to leave him if things don't change really quick.

 

I don't know why he belittle's me all the time. he wasn't like this before we moved in together. but i must care because I have been doing stupid things to try to please him.

 

I have eaten since he said that to me because i feel like if I lose alot of weight he will like me, and stop looking at other girls.

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Umm.... I think that you should make him your ex, ASAP!

 

Oh c'mon. Lose weight if you want to do so for you. But, let's face it, men will cheat if they're going to cheat. Look at Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Jen is very slim and very pretty, but he still ran off with Angelina Jolie.

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i think a big part of me wants and knows I have to make him my ex, but it's kinda complicated because i just signed a lease with him.

 

this is such a nightmare, i thought I was going to be happy with him. now he is a big jerk, and I somehow have alot of pride. I mean I just care what people say or think about me in general. I think he realizes that and that is why he behave's this way.

 

so I know I have to put up with all of this until my lease is up. I"m just happy I'm not married to him.

 

 

But whatever he says or does to me it will hurt me and I will care, that is just how I am.

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Oh boy, reading this is like re-lving my passed.

 

When I met my husband, he was the dark prince I'd always hoped to find. I couldn't believe I was lucky enough to find someone like him. That all changed when we moved in together. Once he had me reeled in he started insulting how I looked all the time. Soon after that he started insulting my personality, my intelligence, my friends, family, my job (he said any moron could do my job and what I do isn't that special).

 

I had the same plan as you, chang everything he didn't like and make him happy. By this time I was madly in love with him and didn't want to lose him. So I lost a ton of weight, dyed my hair way too much (this was a favorite little game of his... "Oh, I don't like redheads, I like blondes." Then a week later "Oh, you would look so much better with black hair." Then a short time later he wanted me to be a redhead again. I was a redhead to begin with!) But no matter what I did he always thought I was ugly, dumb, and socially inept. It was this feeling of worthlessness and desparation that brought me to this forum, in fact.

 

He got crushes on other, "hotter" girls all the time and rubbed it in my face. He became infatuated with this girl he met online who had dreadlocks and he preassured me to get them. I didn't. He constantly talked about these other girls, putting them on pedistals and making me miserable.

 

Now to the good part. One night he made a comment that just pushed me to the breaking point. My way too long fuse blew. I chased him through the apartment screaming at him for probably 15 minutes about how superficial he is, how sick and tired I am of all this, etc. I also pointed out so flaws about his looks. (He looks good to me, but there are things he doesn't like about himself).

 

When things quieted down we started going to counceling. Obviouysly things got better because I married him. Now (other then a minor setback here and there) we are doing fine.

 

I'm not saying the way I went about it was the best way or the healthiest way, but it worked. I can only hope the best for you (be it with him or without him).

 

PM me if you want. I can certainly relate to your situation.

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He is a dork for telling you this. I always believe that the best way is to at least make it appear as if it does nothing to you. That it has no effect. Try to find self-esteem where it should come from (yourself), and let it glow on your face. When the two of you go out, where a drop-dead outfit and carry yourself with pride.

 

I think it's better to lose the weight in a healthy way, and not for HIS sake. Go to a health club, go swimming and running. Eat fruits, veggies, full wheat products. In the mean time, he should know better but to make comments like this. If he continues, you may consider to tell him to stop it or you will leave.

 

Ilse.

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Um yah. He sounds like the type of person who thinks that you have to treat people like dirt in order to get them to love you. Right. Obviously, you're much too smart for him. Any weasel who thinks that pulling on this kind of tactic really deserves to get dumped.

 

I see it as him making this comment to you as an immature way to put down your self-esteem and to make you jealous. It's a perfect way to keep you under his thumb. If he wants to play games, this is what you do- go find another guy. I bet you anything, you are the kind of girl who's really pretty, but her boyfriend just takes her for granted. Never accept anything at face value, and know your worth. Don't listen to a bozo like that! Count on your lucky stars that you found out about how he is now, because a person like this usually turns out to be really controlling and abusive.

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thanks for all the replies

sometimes I think he might do this because when we do go out alot of guys come up and start talking to me. so maybe he could be jealous I'm not sure.

 

I was thinking of asking about that in my last reply. This might well be the case. Maybe it's best to talk to him about it if he is at all capable of opening up about this.

 

It's difficult to address things like this without getting to blame him, but then again he is to blame for insulting you this way.

 

Maybe if he says something similar next time, you should tell him that you are very comfortable with the way you look and that if he feels otherwise, you wonder why he wanted to move in together and build a life together.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

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so I know I have to put up with all of this until my lease is up.

 

No, you don't have to put up with it. Find a roommate if you have to. Nothing is worth allowing someone to degrade you like that.

 

sometimes I think he might do this because when we do go out alot of guys come up and start talking to me. so maybe he could be jealous I'm not sure.

 

That could be true. He could be the type too that doesn't want you to believe you're attractive so he feels like putting you down is a strategy to keep you in check and to keep you with him. People who do that are the ones who have the self-esteem issues in my opinion.

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IMHO, he is doing this to control you. To get you to doubt yourself. To weaken you and get you to feel bad about yourself, and then you will be easier for him to have control of. Very typical of controlling men. I know this because I had been with one for the last couple of years. (But not any longer).

 

And God forbid if YOU should point out a hot guy to him, right? Then all hell would break loose!

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And God forbid if YOU should point out a hot guy to him, right? Then all hell would break loose!

 

Right. I was in the car with my husband once and it was raining really hard. Here comes this gorgeous guy running down the street. My husband said "I always want to chase people who are running like that."

 

I said "Yea I'd LOVE to chase him."

 

He got really mad at me.

 

I am so glad things are different now.

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Do you love him enough to put up with him? Anyways, I realized a trend with some guys and the girl who have low self esteem (don't wanna be negative, but try to get a picture): The guys hate girls who pity themselves, so they take advantage to the fullest by insulting them, making them feel ugly, fat etc. all the meanwhile they are scr*wing someone else behind their back. If they get the right change, don't think they will hesitate to leave you...Maybe not the most optimistic view but do you want to be one of those girls? Probably not. Dont put up with what you don't believe in or what makes you feel bad.

If you can't leave him now, it will only get harder in the future.. You even said "Thank God we are not married.." which sounds like you unconsiously can't see a future with him...

Good Luck

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cinderelly -

 

if you have guys coming up to you, then obviously you don't have trouble meeting guys and they must like what they see! If your boyfriend is putting you down, the most likely reason why is probably because he knows you're a beautiful, nice girl, and he doesn't want to lose you, so his way to do that is to make you question if you can do any better.

 

Don't feel pressured to lose weight, if he is going to hassle you about it then obviously you're just too bootylicious for him... As long as you're healthy, you can look however you want, and I'm all up for the curves, I'm not stick thin but i love my curves!

 

Ask yourself at the end of the day, does he make me feel good about myself? If the answer is no maybe you need to find someone who does.

 

Hope that helps... Nic xx

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That sounds like a nightmare. Good God, it sounds like a nightmare. I feel for you...hope you can get out as soon as possible. In the meantime, just stay away from the house when he comes home, and get enough money to get a new place...Its gonna be painful when you finally get the hell away from him, but Gawd you will be thankful afterwards...

 

Also, if he's picking on you about how you look...its honestly b/c he is self conscious/has low self esteem about himself, so dont' take it personal...go find someone who couldn't play a villian in a movie...

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