I really need some advice

[Anna12]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. Everything was perfect...we were "that" couple that was so in love. We started out as friends, but once we started dating, we were stuck together, every day and every night. He would constantly bring up marriage and tell me it was coming sooner than I thought. After a year and a couple of months of being together, i started getting a little insecure about if he still wanted to marry me b/c he had hinted it would be sooner than that. This is a guy that would tell all of my family, co-workers, etc his proposal ideas and drag me into ring stores. I never ONCE pressured him into this..it was always him bringing it up. This insecurity i started having made me question everything he said to me because I just didnt understand why he led me to believe we would be engaged and he hadnt done it yet. Once, I asked him and he blew up at me. THe last few months, we have been fighting about little things that turn into big things. We trust eachother, and there is not suspicion of him seeing anyone else. I should know...we are next door neighbors and he is always where he says he is and calls a couple of times a day. About a month and a half ago, he broke up with me and 24 hours later called to say he wanted it to work out. Since weve been back together, we are going through the motions of being together, but something is missing. He calls about 4 times a day, I still see him almost daily, he says I love you baby, etc. I am walking on eggshells around him and he is easily angered. THings were going well until last night we got into another small argument. We spent the night apart. Hes called twice this morning and we are just making small talk. I know that this is no longer a good relationship. I was just so sure in the beginning that he was it for me. We are both in our mid 20's. I dont know how to cope if we break up, yet i think we need to. It is so hard being neighbors. Any advice would be appreciated. Ive lost 15 lbs in the last month and a half and I cant shake the feeling of anxiety i have throughout the days when were arguing...why did he want to work things out after he ended things? I didnt beg and scream when he broke up with me the first time, so its not like i pressured him to call and want to get back together. Sorry this is so long..Im so confused and in pain. Please help!

[annie24]

Hi - welcome to eNotalone. Did he give you a reason why he broke up with you the first time?

 

Yes, you clearly see that this isn't a healthy relationship. It must be hard being neighbors. Can you break your lease and move to the other part of town?

[crookster_man]

I'm sorry for the situation you are in. It sounds like you both have gotten to a very bad place. I'll give you my insight into why this might be as well as an avenue to take to possibly fix things.

 

First It sounds like you have a very intense relationship. When you first started dating you spent all your free time together, coupled by the fact that you lived next door and that you checked up on each other you had almost no private time. This is great in a new relationship however very quickly it can turn into poison.

 

As you get to know the person better you start to see things that annoy you. Little small things at first such as the way the fold towels or the way they put their shoes at the door (small little things that irk you because it's not your way) This is natural, however being forced to be with someone else 24/7 can do strange things to you. Suddenly you start bickering over stupid things and you start to drift apart. You see this as a problem and think the solution is to hold on tighter. Unfortunately the root of your problem is the suffocation of the relationship so more is worse.

 

Now assuming you don't have any deal breaking problems (such as he does drugs and you are adamant against it or you refuse to do certain things that the expects) the majority of your fights are over little day to day things.

 

Right now you are in a place that seems hallow, like you said "just going through the motions" You still love each other, but you feel the relationship has died out (which it may very well have). What you need to do is create a little space (NOT A BREAK, BREAKS ARE BAD) you need more "me" time. Time to unwind with yourself, watch tv, veg out, go to the gym, hang with friends... whatever you do to unwind.

 

You don't have to check up on each other all the time. Relationships are build on trust no? So why call them 4 times a day? How about you only call if you are planning to get together or to tell them something important that has happened to you (max 1 a day). You need to open the lines of communication, though you hang out, you've shut yourself off from each other.

 

Time to sit down and have a heart to heart. Put aside the anger and see where you went wrong. I'm not going to tell you that you can save your relationship or that it's even worth saving. However, you cannot learn from your mistakes until your recognizes them.

 

I know I'm just scratching the surface, but trust me what you are going through is very common. Is this yours or his first serious relationship? Often this is what happens in that case. All isn't lost; talk to him and talk to yourself (ie know what you want).

 

Good luck and welcome to Enotalone

[Anna12]

Thanks for the response and the welcomes! I just took a nap and I woke up feeling so bad...I havent heard from him in a while and I feel really sick about this whole situation. It was a very intense relationship. The reason why we broke up the first time is that it was the second time in a month that we had gotton into a big fight and he said that he felt like he was giving me everthing and that it wasnt enough..he said he had nothing left to give. THe thing about this guy is that he is a master at making me feel like everything is my fault. He is ALWAYS the victim. THis is a new side i am seeing of him. When we got back together, we decided to spend more time apart and with our friends, and to not talk about the future....just take it day by day. This is proving to be much harder for me to do than it seems for him to do. I know the only fighting chance we have is if we go our separate ways and he realizes what he is losing. After time, maybe we can try again, but there's always the chance that he moves on or I do. I cant break lease...my roommate and I just renewed a couple of months ago..I think he is looking to move around the first of the year. I am supposed to go out with friends tonight....all i want to do is go crawl in bed at my mom's house and cry. By the way, this is not my first serious relationship. I was with a guy for four years and I ended it without a bit of regret. I have had my heart broken after a year long relationship a couple of years ago...but this is different. I am so sure that once my current boyfriend and I are finished, he is going to really regret it, but he's such a proud person, I dont know that he'd ever tell me. I just feel worse by the minute!

[NotMyself]

Whoa! Don't give up yet.. I had a similar relationship.. Me and my ex were always together. She moved in with me right away, and I eventually asked her to get her own place, but it wasn't because I didn't love her.. I just felt like I needed some of my own space back..

 

What you both need is time for yourselves. Time to just relax and do your own thing away from eachother.. This time will let you reflect on things and you will appreciate eachother so much more.. Don't take his distance as him not loving you or caring for you. It's just something that I think is very common in relationships. He is just trying to get a little space. I did it too yet I loved my girlfriend very much. I think it's hard for the other person to understand and they end up trying harder to get the other persons love and attention back.. They basically try to fix things. Don't worry. I don't think there is anything to fix. Just let him have some space to hang out with his buddies, play some sports, or just have his alone time.. He will love you and appreciate you so much more for this and his love will get stronger.

 

If you have ever read the book about Mars and Venus on a date, there is a good analogy there about men being like rubber bands in a relationship. It may be an overgeneralization, but after reading it, I felt it really described what I was feeling at one time, even though I loved my ex dearly... Men just need to pull away sometimes, and like a rubber band, after they've stretched away and have some distance, they come back with a spring and are closer and rejuvenated with so much more energy. If you keep them from stretching out, you are hindering him from being able to pull away and reflect on things and to realize how much he does love you. It's my opinion, but I have been in this position. I just needed some personal space and it didn't mean I didn't love my girlfriend.. I just needed a little space... I think she reacted as you did and thought I didn't care.

 

Don't give up.. I'm assuming he still loves you but just needs some time for himself.. Unless you have reason to believe he is cheating or doing something dishonest, give him all the space he wants in a loving way... He will come back and love you even more..

[zcloud]

So you are walking on egg shells, he is quick to anger; yet he is always the victim? Sounds like manipulation to me, he wants something from you to act/be a certain way or to have his way. Actually most of his behavior sounds like manipulation. Like all the marriage talk, all that crap just to rope you in and then when you call him on it he is angry. He doesn't want to get married, he wants YOU to want to marry him. Then the breakups, are you sure these aren't just so that you become more distraught and desperate to please him? He sounds like he's got one big ego that constanly needs to be told how much you want him. He wants control. Give him time space, whatever, unless this person wants an equal partner instead of a servant I wonder what relationship can be had. There is a small chance that if you ignore him long enough he will come crawling back, but if he does you will need to be tough and set limits and let him know that the anger, victim talk is not allowed, and that you will be yourself and refuse to walk on egg shells, he can take it or leave it.

[Anna12]

zcloud- you wouldnt be the first to tell me that...yes, he has an extremely large ego! He recently got a job promotion and around that time a lot of our problems started. Hes very good at being manipulative. I know it when he is doing it, but sometimes, I start to believe it. I feel like a doormat!

 

NotMyself- Thank you so much for the message and the post. I want so badly to believe that he, like you, just needs space. I think part of the problem is that I feel sort of codependant on him and it is hard to give him a lot of space. Your post makes perfect sense, and I hope that if I am able to let him go, we will work out. But I have to be able to tell him how I feel and as of now, I cant tell him anything. THis is proving to be so harmful to my happiness right now.

 

THis weekend was terrible..I ended up going to my moms and crying my eyes out. I got so upset I threw up. I just dont know how much more of this up and down I can take from him. I spent the night with him last night and it was ok...we got along and went to sleep. Today he's called me twice already and kept asking if anything was wrong. I just couldnt tell him. I know when I tell him how im feeling it will lead to a break up. I dread the days and weeks following when we actually do break up. It will crush me. Im starting a new job and leaving the security of my old job, so it will be hard to go through this now. I just feel like we are past the point of no return. I am questioning ever word, and every move now because Im not so positive that he really wants this anymore. I used to be the center of his world, and now he is the center of his world. THanks for the advice, it helps more than you know. I just wish I could figure things out and move on with my life!

[nataliejulie]

Word from the wise: Use all that effort you are putting into worrying into repairing this relationship. Be positive, show the fun in your relationship, appreciate that time you are with him right now, appreciate him and you together.

 

I felt a break up looming with my ex. Instead of trying to prevent it from happening, I worried 24/7, I was in a constant bad mood, our distance between us got worse and he saw me as being unhappy and being together a bad idea. Big mistake.

 

We had an intense relationship. Everything was VERY quick and we lived together two months after we met. Spent every single day together for a year. There was not enough breathing room.

[Anna12]

Update: Things have continued to get worse. Some days are wonderful and others are just plain bad. We had a talk last week and things seemed to be getting better afterward, but last night was just too much for me- We went out to dinner for our year and a half anniversary. Dinner was wonderful and we had great conversation-things were looking up! Afterwards, he dropped me off at an event I had to go to and said he would pick me up in two hours. When I was done, I called him, and he was drunk at a bar with a friend. He couldnt drive and I had to fend for myself and have a friend come pick me up. THis is a guy who rarely drinks, and can control his alcohol intake. He was such a jerk on the phone and wasnt telling me the usual "i love you "before we got off the phone. He called again and I didnt answer the phone...he called this morning and I didnt answer either...he left a message that said "oh yeah sorry about last night, but anyway..." and left some nonchalont message and still didnt say I love you. I havent heard from him since. He normally calls by now, but hasnt..I really just think I need to end it. I dread the aftermath of how I will feel, but last night's antics were so selfish and inconsiderate. By the way, I was left out amid a tropical storm last night and was wet from head to toe b/c the wind kept blowing my umbrella out...and he was at a bar drunk!

[Lovesick64]

Anna12-

 

I am sorry to read about all of the pain your guy has put your through. No one deserves to be treated badly. My ex who is also my neighbor, was up and down a lot. He would be all lovey dovey one weekend and then ignore me a few days later for days at a time. I hadn't done anything wrong. I treated him very well and we would have a ton of fun together. This went on and on and on even after talking to him about his behavior. He made me feel like he didn't care for me because he was doing the NC thing when things were cool with us. He would pop up at the door like nothing ever happened. I found it very bizarre. I wanted to break up with him, but knew he had abandonement issues and was waiting for him to break up with me. One day I was doing some research on his issue and discovered that he also has boderline personality disorder. That was when I realized that things were not going to get better with him until he realized he had the mental illness and got some help. I never told him what I thought he had. I wrote him a breakup poem basically telling him I was letting him go because his actions were telling me that he didn't love me and that he didn't care. I am not saying that your bf has bpd. I just wanted to share with you that I went through those same ups and downs and it was making me crazy. I feel that I did the right thing leaving the relationship. I have my sanity and self respect. What he was doing to me was abuse. He was abusing me mentally and emotionally. Whenever I start to long for him I remind myself that it was an abusive relationship that I had to leave before it got worse.

[Anna12]

Well, tonight it happened. We finally broke up for good. Actually, he did it but I knew it was coming. He said he thought things were getting better, but after our conversation this afternoon, he realized that nothing has changed. I told him that I love him and want us to work, but he said he had nothing left to give (again). I know he loves me and I think he is just going through a very selfish phase. I think one day he will regret it. I have been crying all night but right now I feel strong, like this is the right thing. I hope this feeling lasts, but to me, the mornings are always worse! So tomorrow will start NC day #1. THanks all for you support-it helps. I know these next few weeks will be the hardest for me....especially being neighbors with him.

[Hope75]

Hi Anna,

 

I'm sorry that you've gone through all of this, but it does seem like your bf has a temper and doesn't feel that the relationship was 50/50, and that you were doing all you can to show him that it was.

 

I hope it isn't too hard for you, living right next door and all, but hopefully he won't make this too hard on either of you.

 

Best of luck!

[Itsok]

Sweetie, good luck to you. Of course you will miss him for the first while, but it looks like you are right to get out of this. He was starting to show some frightening tendencies that aren't smart to ignore.

 

The whole relationship sounds frighteningly familiar to an abusive one I was in for a long time. First things are so amazing, the most romantic and loving relationship ever, then slowly, he has nothing to give, blames you for everything, manipulates you...this was getting abusive.

 

Right now it's not easy, but when your head clears in a while, you will have a real eye opener.

 

HUGS!

[Cindi0827]

Hi. I just want to let you know that the same thing happened to me. I dated a great guy for over 1 1/2 years. He did everything for me, complimented me always and was extremely affectionate. He was the love of my life. We saw each other every day. It was when we reached our most intimacy - just that feeling of loving each other and being so close, that he decided to take off. He left to go out of state for a week to visit his family and didn't tell me untila day before, and did not invite me. I was so upset, but I forgave him and said just tell me next time and let's try to compromise. Well it all went down hill after that. I won't get into details, but he was basically sabotaging the relationship. It was like this extreme desire for him to get away from me. I could no longer fight it, and had to let him go. Although it hurt so much, I told him "when you love someone, you set them free, if you come back we were meant to be, if you don't we weren't meant to be." I told him I wasn't mad at him. How could I be? He is a wonderful guy, and this behavior was just a result of him not being able to pull away. So instead he started to become insensitive, and basically acted like a jerk - which was out of character for him. However, I was not going to tolerate being treated badly. He even said to me during our last fight before our breakup "I don't want to marry you! I will never marry you!" I never asked him to get married or ever pressured him. He must have been feeling so suffocated, and just not able to pull away. So I had to let him go. I still love him with all my heart, but I will never let someone treat me badly. I am too good for that and so are you. Let him go, with love and discover who you are. If he comes back, it was meant to be. If he doesn't, you willhave your beautiful self to discover again. I know its easier said than done, but hey I am doing it! I took up a new hobby right away and began to meet new friends. I am feeling very happy again, and our break up was only 1 month ago. Good luck to you, and God Bless.

[Anna12]

Thank you very much...it has been two days of NC now and i am feeling very up and down. I realize this had to happen, but I miss him so much. Last night I went out with some friends and they proceeded to announce that I broke up with my boyfriend and was newly single. We got in free to most places we went for that. A lot of people were toasting me, saying "welcome back" I met this really nice guy and kissed him. He wants to go on a date this week. It felt so good to have someone complimenting me and not talking down to me....BUT this morning I felt so terrible when i woke up...I just missed my now ex boyfriend. Last night was like a temporary fix, but it felt good to be desired again. I dont know what to do! I feel like i have been going through these "breakup" feelings for two months now. I am doing better than I thought i would be, though. I think its because ive been trying to prepare myself for this. Its still so hard!

[Cindi0827]

Hi Anna

 

Yes, I know that feeling. I have been there. A feeling like, hey life is good, and I don't need him - I can do without him. But then when you wake up the next day, its so different. Its a feeling of emptiness and longing to be with him. However, when we feel like that the most is when these guys tend to reject us the most. My advice to you is to do what I did. It will give you closure at least, and leave the open door to him if he should decide to come back one day with love to give back. You can tell him "when you love something, you set them free, if they come back, they were yours, if they dont, they never were. " Let him know you are setting him free, and that you are not mad at him. Don't ask him why he did what he did. And dont look for explanations from him. Just set him free with love. Anna, although you will still hurt, this will give you a peace like you never knew. I still cry sometimes, but I feel at peace. And you can too.

[Anna12]

Just wanted to give an update...Its been two and a half weeks of NC and I am feeling much better. I cant believe I havent run into him with us being neighbors and going to the same gym, but I am feeling so much better. It is still a struggle not to look for his car outside and ask about him, but I am moving on with my life. I started a new job, so that is helping. I have gone out and joined a couple of local organizations (one community service group, one social sports group) and I have been meeting new people and making awesome new friends. I still have times where it still stings, and I havent seen him with a new girl yet (which will really upset me, im sure). I guess it still bothers me that he hasnt called, because I wonder if he even misses me, but I know he has to. And truthfully, I dont want him to call because I feel like I am making leaps and bounds to putting this behind me and moving forward. I got the book "Its called a break up because it's broken"- If you havent read it yet...do! It is great. So, anyway, I am def. feeling better and the anxiety is gone for the most part. I never want to go there again. Thanks for the support here! It really has helped!

[kellbell]

Hey Anna,

 

I am so glad that things are getting better for you. I sounds like you are doing things for you and putting good things in front of you. There are going to be days where things will be hard but they will get less and less as more times goes by. Take care and wishing you all the best.

[Anna12]

Well you're not going to believe this...I am in total shock. He called last night. Says he cant live without me, has done some soul searching, wants to spend the rest of his life showing me, has seen "signs" that were supposed to be together, is an idiot for letting me go, etc, etc. I dont know what to do!!!! I saw him and he just clung on to me and kept saying "I love you" over and over again. I didnt do anything more that stay the night with him, but he was so loving and needy. I told him I just dont know if I can, but he says that he will wait for me as long as I need and spend every day showing me that hes in it for the rest of his life. HELP! This AM he's left me a message and sent me an e card. All of this progress...and this happens! I REALLY need some advice this time!

[steve-0]

Hey Anna12, it seems like we are almost in the exact same situation. Trust me, it isnt easy at all being neighbors with your ex. My ex (im 24 and she is 21) who I broke up with a little over a month ago lives right accross the street from me. We were dating for 1 year and since we lived so close to each other we pretty much spent every day and night together. Like yours, it was one of those intense realtionships. When we got into fights we would talk about spending some nights apart from each other but that NEVER worked out. I broke up with her because after a while i fell out of love with her. I think the reasons were i was being smothered and I came to realize I didnt see a future with her at all. Keep in mind that this was my first serious relationship and my first real breakup

 

I agree that living so close to each other is great at the start of the relationship, but then after a while you start to feel trapped. Seeing so much of a person all the time in a relationship can bring out the bad in them as well as yourself. You also become very dependent on that person because its almost assumed that when you are both home, you should be with each other

 

Now that we are broken up, there is a vast emptiness knowing that the other person is so close by, yet you cant see them on a daily basis like before. I can just stroll by her place and see if she is home or not from the light being on. Its like torture. I can't move out of my place too because I just renewed my lease for another year. I made a post a week ago asking if living so close to your ex put a strain on the relationship and thats what caused it to fail. One person said "Maybe it wasnt that you lived so close, maybe you guys just didnt match". And yes, I agree that we didnt match. So it must have been a combination of both reasons

 

I was the one who dumped her and its been more than a month and I still cant get her off my mind. Our relationship was never really bad per se, it just wasnt goign anywhere. So even though I was the one who called it quits, it feels like I was the one who was dumped.

 

You say your b/f wants to get back with you..do you actually think anything will change if you get back together? You two will still be living side by side and the whole cycle will start again. You have to be strong about this. Trust me its not easy and there is the possibility its going to be harder on him than it is on you. Stay broken up if you honestly believe he isnt the guy for you.

 

Since we are in similar situations...add me to MSN and we can help each other get through it. my contact is daneo311 AT link removed

[Anna12]

I wanted to give an update since its been a month that my now-boyfriend again have been back together. Things have been wonderful. We have such a healthy, happy relationship, like we used to for the first year and a half that we were together. Those couple of months leading up to the break up were the toughest and most excruciating times, as well as the couple of weeks after the breakup. He has told me that he was absolutely miserable after we broke up and wanted to call, but didnt. Honestly, I am so glad he didnt. You know why? Because through all of the pain, crying, not eating for 3 days one week, ANXIETY and sleepless nights....I found out that I would be OK...heck, in time, even HAPPY without him. And that has given me something priceless in this renewed relationship. I am no longer co-dependant on him and as needy because I know I will be fine if he doesnt want to be with me. And he knows I will be OK as well and not go begging back or even contacting him in any way. Sometimes you truly have to set someone free and put it in God's hands. NOt trying to be too religious on here, but I did. I am cautiously optimistic about this relationship right now and am enjoying what a healthy relationship is. I will never be a doormat like I was and I am enjoying having my dignity back.

 

The thing that MOST gave me my dignity back was NO CONTACT. I swear it was close sometimes and it was so hard being neighbors...but if i can do it living next door, YOU CAN TOO. And honestly I think thats why he came back so soon...He heard that I was out and having fun and smiling again and I think he realized that he needed to move or I was gone. After many long talks and tears (from him mostly) I am giving this another chance. I have said from the beginning that I have always truly felt deep down that he was "it" for me. Not to give anyone false hopes, but I just want to emphasize how important NC is...it is THE KEY to either getting over your ex, or getting them back. Thanks again for all the support. It helped more than you guys know!

[crookster_man]

glad to help!