A broken heart can kill you...

[waiting]

Long story short, my ex dumped me after 8 years of a very on again/off again relationship. It tore me up, as I am still very much in love with her and probably always will be (yes, yes, I know. It will pass etc you all say. But she was the one, and I will always regret letting her get away)

 

She has put me through hell, spending the last 15 odd months she has been with the guy she left me for telling me she loves me, and doesnt know if we will be together again. I have spent a long time not being able to walk away, as she never said never, and although kept telling me to do "whats best" for me, never said i would never have her back. Have always been told "she doesnt know" if she will come back and is trying to work it out. And I just couldnt walk away if there was still hope.

 

So, I have been living on a steady dose of adrenanlin, anxiety, stress, heartbreak, grief, jealousy, fear, horror at thinking at what they do in bed, frustration etc etc etc etc.... for 15 months solid, with no respite ever. Plus I have been smoking cigarettes far too much for a while - stress related ... I rarely sleep properly, sometimes go days without eating much at all. Not good.

 

Today I got a wake up call. I have heart problems, and may have had a small heart attack.

 

I am 30. Fit and healthy for the most part. I excercise, and am not overweight and when i do eat, eat well. The only blip is the cigarettes.

 

My doctor has told me (apart from quit smoking...) that it is stress related, and if I dont change something right now to get rid of the stress, I am going to die - literally.

 

So to all those that think they can live with the pain, that any hope of getting back the one you love is worth putting up with the agony, think of your physical health, as well as your emotional.

[Desire]

I went through the same thing, until started talking to a friend about my heartache. That seemed to help me a lot, its feels goos to let it out on some days. I'm very sorry about what you're going through, I hope you can find a way to get better. I wish you all the best

[TiredMan]

I am going through exactly your situation, minus a few minor things. 8 Year relationship, we are both 30, the heartache, the health problems. Except my heart just has an arrythmia but not because of the breakup. But my stress levels have been high for years. The differences are she is not with someone else and we have been a part for a couple of months. But the pain is so unbearable.

 

What did he do to suggest getting rid of the stress? My stress is a TON of things that I can't change. I am in therapy now but still, it's so painful. My life took a SEVERE downward spiral which things that aren't changeable. At least I am in therapy but doing hobbies, working, volunteering are not options for me right now.

[chai714]

Waiting,

Thanks for the post. I think what you did here was alert others that they could possibly risk their health just because something ONE person did to you.

 

You don't want to give a single person this much power over your own happiness, or as a result you'll live a miserable, unhealthy life. Take this as a warning, and take control of your psychological state from this point on. Waiting - find any hobby you can, read tons of books, do anything to keep your mind pre-occupied. Volunteer at a hospital (not a bad place to meet women by the way), become a big-brother, do something to make you feel better about yourself. You're far too young to quit living.

[TiredMan]

I think in a long time relationship, you do have to "let go" as in give yourself to the other person. I don't mean spend every second with them 24/7 and never have any friends but more like give in to your feelings. I know it sets you up to be destroyed (if you read my situation, you will know what I mean) but at least for me, I believe love is just people doing that. I would never marry someone unless I felt they were family.

[waiting]

The doctor has just said lose the stress - right now. Or I will end up with a full blown heart attack.

 

To do that, I have to get this woman out of my life completely - just no way around it. It doesnt matter that i love her, it doesnt matter that in some strange twisted way she loves me, it doesnt matter that she may still be thinking about coming back and just needs "to work it out". Screw that. Times up. I held onto the hope for a bloody long time, but if she hasnt the guts to call enough, i have to.

 

Its gotten way beyond any of that now. She is with someone else, it is unbearable to me and thereforeeee I cannot have anything to do with her. Full stop. Simple really when you look at the bigger picture - ie my actual survival!!

[karvala]

That's very brave of you, waiting, and I'm sure you're doing the right thing. I wish you all the best with the effort; it won't be easy, but it'll definitely be worth it if it keeps you alive to have happiness in the future.

[TiredMan]

The doctor has just said lose the stress - right now. Or I will end up with a full blown heart attack.

 

To do that, I have to get this woman out of my life completely - just no way around it. It doesnt matter that i love her, it doesnt matter that in some strange twisted way she loves me, it doesnt matter that she may still be thinking about coming back and just needs "to work it out". Screw that. Times up. I held onto the hope for a bloody long time, but if she hasnt the guts to call enough, i have to.

 

Its gotten way beyond any of that now. She is with someone else, it is unbearable to me and thereforeeee I cannot have anything to do with her. Full stop. Simple really when you look at the bigger picture - ie my actual survival!!

 

It's true though. For her to be with someone else while dragging you along is just plain cruel.

[innbranna]

I can relate on the stress issue. The past 18 months, which I've spent waiting for my more-than-friend-but-not-quite-boyfriend to make up his mind (which he did a month ago when he chose someone else) have been one long stress period. I mostly kept away from doctors, so the only message I got, was that my blood pressure was rising. I've been constantly alert, waiting, working up my expectancies, postponing them, hoping, despairing… I can easily go for days almost without eating, and sometimes I was so tense I had to rock myself to sleep in bed because I couldn't lay still.

 

Funny thing is, now that I know I've lost him, most of the stress is gone. I think it comes from my life being in a way much less messy now. I lost my job at the same time as I lost the man – I knew it was coming, and so I have attributed a lot of the stress to my working situation. Now I know that's not it. I also know that compared to other things, steady work is of no importance. I will get by, one way or the other.

 

Also: Now that I know that nothing I do will bring him back, I feel sort of relieved. All of a sudden I don't feel like he's right beside me anymore. He's not interested in me, and so I don't have to take him into consideration. I make my decisions just for myself and not for the two of us, and it's so much easier. Not having to think "but what if", or wondering how he'll feel about me if I do this or that all the time makes the world a much less complicated place to be.

 

Don't know if this made much sense. My point is, it's the trying to make them love us that's stress provoking. Not having to think about whether they love us is infinitely sad, but at the same time I find that I breathe with my stomach for the first time in eighteen months.

 

Best of luck to you, waiting.

[waiting]

Innbranna - I know exactly what you mean. Its the not knowing that is the hardest to deal with. And her being with someone else should really tell me she has made her choice, but I still dont really know.

 

I have asked her a million times in a million ways - tell me that its over for good, and that you are never coming back. And she wont. All I ever get is "I dont know" and "I am trying to work it out". She cant tell me that she really loves him even, yet tells me that she loves me and always will. The closest I get from her is that she doesnt want to be with me - "at the moment". And ALWAYS qualified with a "who knows what the future holds".

 

But for now it doenst matter, and I am getting a sense of the relief you talk about by knowing that it is out of my hands. I am on my own now, and now is what matters.

 

Wont ever be able to let go of the hope until she can tell me there isnt any, and wont stop loving her even then, but it i am finally beginning to let go of trying to change a situation i am not in control of.

 

As you said, nothing i do will make her love me any more or less. It is up to her now. And should she decide she made a mistake and wants to come back, she might even be really lucky and find me still here.

 

But i have come to accept moving on should it occur naturally in her absense. Its not something I will fight against. Everything about this is out of my control, and I feel a relief in knowing that.

 

Time to focus energy on things i can control - finding happieness with myself.

[innbranna]

Time to focus energy on things i can control - finding happieness with myself.

Amen to that!

 

My man would do the same thing – at the beginning he told me that he loved me, but wasn't looking for a girlfriend right now, as he had too many other things going on. Of course I would interpret that as "but maybe at some later point we will be together". Only now do I see that while I was staying close waiting for him to become available to me, he was in fact putting a lot of effort into keeping me at arm's length. But he would never tell me that! If he had just told me what he must have known almost from the beginning, that it would never be, then I wouldn't have been clinging to those false hopes all that time.

 

I don't know why they won't tell us. Maybe it's some misguided feeling of not wanting to hurt us, maybe they just want to avoid the confrontation, maybe they want to wait in case something changes… And yeah, even now I'd probably take him if he would have me. So for my own health's sake I just have to hope that I'll never hear from him again, which I think is a safe bet, btw.

 

A couple of days ago I found myself thinking of something I would like to do, a thing or two I'd like to accomplish out of pure interest, without wondering about how he'd possibly feel about it. First time since the NC period started. I think maybe it means there's a future out there somewhere.

[One Kind Bud]

I am sorry you are hurting right now. I am just getting out of a 7 year marriage and it has been very hard at times. I lost 15 lbs the first month after my XH left, from not eating properly. I know it was from all the stress I was under. There are children and another girl involved so it's a mess to say the least.

 

I really hope you are able to quit smoking. Is there any way your Dr. might prescribe you some xanax or anti-depressant while you get through this? It may help some. Good luck.

[waiting]

Is there any way your Dr. might prescribe you some xanax or anti-depressant while you get through this? It may help some. Good luck.

 

Umm, lets see. I had a total breakdown about a year ago now, and had to get my mum to look after me while my boss (GREAT guy) gave me a mont off. I was on anti depressents (still am), anti pschotics, valium, sleeping tablets, seeing a shrink, pychcologist, hypnotherapy, the works.

 

Came VERY VERY close to driving myself into an oncoming truck - ONLY thing that stopped me was what it would have done to my parents.

 

So I am a whole lot better now. I can work full time again, only taking mild anti depressents, and have finally become strong enough to stop trying to get her to come up with an answer about us. Am now running things on the assumption she is gone forever, and maybe i will get a nice surprise one day. But I not expecting it.

[TiredMan]

 

Umm, lets see. I had a total breakdown about a year ago now, and had to get my mum to look after me while my boss (GREAT guy) gave me a mont off. I was on anti depressents (still am), anti pschotics, valium, sleeping tablets, seeing a shrink, pychcologist, hypnotherapy, the works.

 

 

 

All of that stuff didn't help? I am in therapy and taking sleeping pills hoping it will help me.

[waiting]

Tiredman - I am sorry to say no it didnt really help how i feel. My family and their support and love stopped me from killing myself. I really believe if they wernt there, I would not be here today. I was that bad.

 

The pain has not let up one little bit. I still hurt as much today as i did 14 months ago when she admitted she was seeing him. If not more...

 

Part of this is because she never killed the hope, and I have not been able to give up without knowing for sure she is not ever going to come back. I love her that much.

 

BUT, the differance is I am able to live with it most days, and I am able to function for the most part.

 

So, I think you should stay in therapy and everything else. It doesnt alter the feelings, or makes it stop. But it can help you deal with it a bit better and help you get around it and not let it ruin your day to day life.

 

And hopefully you will be luckier than I and have an ex that is able to say never again and stop you hoping. After a while you will get sick of feeling like this and ask her outright - will it ever happen again. I couldnt for a while because i was scared of the answer. And when i did, i still couldnt get her to let me go. So I am in for a lot more hurt, but think it will be worth every bit if i get her back.

 

The trick I think is to just stop. Make sure you have done verything possible to convince her that you love her, want her back and will do anything. And then leave it - it is now her decision. Live life as if she will never call again. Never give up if its what you believe is right for you (and for me that is), but try not to let it ruin your life.

[TiredMan]

I hear you but I wish I could do that. My life has so many emotional situations that the only thing (other than sports and working out) that I did for enjoyment were with her. Sometimes I hung out with "friends" (none of them are anyone I talk to regularly or want to since they are all about themselves and I am not) but I was miserable and we would always talk about how we could relax with each other.

 

So without that, I still work out and sometimes play sports but after that, I have nothing to do for fun. It's torture.

 

My family is part of my emotional problem. They are the type to laugh at me if I mention my hurts.

[waiting]

That really sucks - my family were my saviours.

 

I think the biggest thing to just assure yourself that you have made your intentions as clear as possible, have assured her that you love her, and are ready to work on anything that may be wrong with your relationship. And then stop. Give her all the space she needs. Its just not in your control anymore.

 

I know all about feeling lost and alone. We were everything to each other and didnt have the need for many friends. We did everything together and did everything for each other. But I stuffed up and pulled away, and didnt realise how much she meant to me until she had already gone. I have done EVERYTHING i could have to tell her how much i regret that and will do anything to make it up to her. But its up to her now to decide if what we had means enough to her to want to try again.

 

I dont know about your girl, but I hurt mine enough that she feels she needs to try something else (ie someone else) to decide if we are meant to be. Bloody painful... But I have to let her do it.

 

The other thing is that if you are able to build a life for yourself (and it isnt easy), you will have a fall back if she doesnt come back, and you have something to share with her if she does.

[TiredMan]

Couple of things.

 

Things in my life in general have gotten really bad other than her and she was my constant. Now that this is not there, everything is bad.

 

I didn't realize how much she meant after. I knew it all along. The things I did were because I don't know how to handle emotions sometimes due to a horrendous childhood. She knew it. I'm not saying it didn't hurt her because I kill myself daily about it and I know it did but it was because of that and not me taking her for granted or anything. I would have and would walk through fire for her any day.