It's finally over....

[Talia04]

So here goes nothing....

About a year and half ago I started a new job where I met a coworker. We automatically clicked and began this great friendship. However, he is married (and has been for 10 yrs) and has 3 little children. With time this friendship grew into a full blown affair by the time we had known eachother 4 months. We had an amazing time together. I fell head over heels for him and we began to say "I love you" to eachother. I was not really sure what would happen so I stuck around. I never expected him to leave him family for me neither did I ever ask him to. Our time together was something I had never experienced before. The care, love, respect and great times we shared together was something unreal. I didn't know how it could be... but it was. He saw me every minute that he could and I thought about him every minute he couldn't. Along with the unbelievable sex that we had, we had this connection that neither of us could deny. We describe those times as some of the best times we've had in years. So finally things got to the point where he was leaving his home to see me, lying to his friends and family, the only one he was truthful is me (so I hope Things got heated and intense really fast and really strong. The longer is lasted the more I knew it would be harder to let go. So, the affair lasted 9 months. It just ended about 2 weeks ago. I am so miserable and I cry all the time. He told me that he had to let me go before he lost his marriage. He said it's hard for him as well. I saw him about a week ago and he had a boner from just sitting next to me. He said he wanted time away from me because it was too hard to be next to me. So now he went on vacation and he has called me every day he has been gone. Please tell me something that would make some sort of sense.

 

BTW- He has tried these breaks before and has come back.

 

What do I do? Please help my miserable broken heart.

[michelemybell]

He has three children and a wife. Don't get between that. Dont keep in contact with him, no matter what kind of connection you felt and if he keeps in contact. In the long run, you will respect yourself more.

[beachieca]

I don't mean to sound harsh or rude, but why are you letting yourself become so involved with a man that is married with a family? I wish there was some advice i could give that would help, but honestly...it makes me sick to think about what you two are doing. Why not find someone that you can have the same connection with, that ISN'T married with kids?

[Talia04]

It't not like I can control my feelings and I understand the bashing but thats not what I am here for. My heart of hearts wants him to come back but this will only be something I have to leave over and over again when he has a guilty streak. I know I should leave it all behind me but I can't and I don't want to lose someone who understand me better than anyone ever has.

 

I know I am wrong I just need to know how to feel better.

[beachieca]

but this will only be something I have to leave over and over again

 

So why keep dealing with it over and over again? I can understand the fact that you guys have a great connection, and i'm sure it's hard to deal with him leaving. But i think that if you put aside the great sex etc. and look at everything else, you should make the right decision and not deal with it anymore. A part of me would say that he's using you. I'm sure that you can find someone else who's willing to dedicate all of their time to you and not you on the side, 2nd to his marriage and his family.

[lady00]

It't not like I can control my feelings and I understand the bashing but thats not what I am here for. My heart of hearts wants him to come back but this will only be something I have to leave over and over again when he has a guilty streak. I know I should leave it all behind me but I can't and I don't want to lose someone who understand me better than anyone ever has.

 

I know I am wrong I just need to know how to feel better.

 

Cut off contact with him. That's how you will begin to feel better. Right now you're depending on him for your happiness but he has a family, obligations that pull him away from you. You can't control your feelings but you CAN make a decision to move on. Tons of people lose the ones they love and have to move on. It's part of life. They often still have feelings for their exes but they make a decision to heal and move on to better relationships where their feelings and efforts are fully reciporcated. A relationship with a married man is unhealthy and it's unstable (he keeps coming and going, as you say) and it hurts innocent people. That relationship would just hurt you in the long run if it continued. What you need to do is stop talking to him. It's like right now you have blinders on and only see this one guy but after a good long period of no contact and healing, you will see that he is far from the only guy out there and he is certainly not the one for you (if he were, he would be with you and ONLY you). Stop talking to him and start healing.

 

No one's asking you to stop feeling things for this man overnight BUT I think it's fair to say that you need to eventually get to that point. You need to move on from that relationship. Respect yourself and respect his family and stop speaking to him.

[Talia04]

I don't think I can make the break. I am not strong enough. He has pleaded with me not to push him away and leave our friendship. I want that too but maybe I just need some time like he said. But will time help? Or will it make me miss him so much more than I already do. I know I depend on him for my happiness and I don't know how to get out of this. I cry everyday.

 

I've told myself (and believed it) that all the pain in the world is worth everything we shared together. And I still believe that. I know that I could never be with him but it just hurts like hell to finally let him go (on a physical level). I know I am going to hell for all my actions. I never thought I'd be this person but I am.

 

I miss him so much.... everything reminds me of him. I don't think there is more than 2 mins that I don't think about him. It's never been like this before in my 22 yrs.

[lady00]

You ARE strong enough. You don't just have to sit there and take all this pain and NO, I disagree with you, it's NOT worth it. Change your number. Delete his. Don't wallow in the pain. I'm not saying it won't be painful but you'll feel much better when you start to do something about it. Do something to begin the healing process and move on from this guy. It's going to hurt but you will get to a point where you feel way better and will be able and open to finding someone who is right for you. But you've got to start the process. And it begins with cutting off contact. Keeping the contact will only hurt you in the long run because you'll be missing out of the guys out there who are for real and who will love you and only you. Even if you think about this from a purely selfish perspective, staying in contact with him and trying to get him back is just going to cause you pain. He can't give you long-term happiness even if he does come back in the short run. Heal up and then look for someone who can.

 

Don't let yourself fall into feeling like a victim. That will only give you an excuse to feel helpless, which you certainly aren't. You made some poor decisions and now you have to deal with them.

[neya]

I at one point found myself in a situation similar to yours. I did not know i was the "other woman" as you do, but i was dating a guy who was in a long term relationship with a girl at grad school. He found me attractive and exciting. Told me how "irresistible i was." I felt he was perfect for me. After a short time i loved him desparately and would have done anything for him.

 

He and i broke up, and i still didn't know i was the other woman. I had broken it off with him after hearing some rumors. Then i decided i was wrong and tried to win him back. He said no because he'd be graduating and leaving soon.

 

My situation involves a lot more deception than yours does, but this guy used me the same way you're being used. After breaking up with me there would be short spells where it was as if nothing had changed. He was sweet and attentive. It wasn't all just physical either. I decided if he couldn't let me be his girlfriend there would be not physical connection. Still he begged me to keep talking to him and be his friend the same way this guy is talking to you. He wanted to be able and call me if he needed to and whenever he needed to.

 

I know it's hard for you to see but it's best to get away now. You're already very emotionally involved, but don't let it go deeper, even if you don't think its possible, trust me it is. He is being selfish. You are miserable, you miss him, but yet he won't be with you. Also, he expects you to be there as his friend. As much as you love him you need to see how unfair this is to you.

 

In ending my relationship one of the biggest problems i had was i couldn't seem to be angry at his guy. No matter what he did i still loved him so much i couldn't hold anything against him. But this is something you need to do. He is not being fair to you in anyway. If he truly loved you he would put you before himself. He would let you go and not ask anything more of you. By his actions he is hurting you, and he is aslo holding you back from moving on and finding hapiness. Because he obviously does not love you enough to give you that chance you need to find it in yourself to be angry at the way he is treating you and take that chance for yourself. No matter how scared and weak you feel you do have it in you.

 

Another thing to think of. I don't mean to bash, but you do need to consider his actions and how they are affecting his family. Cheating is the ultimate form of selfishness. The guy i was involved with, his other gf found out by an email i sent to him. She then emailed me and all was revealed. Now, i was devasted at the lies. You aren't facing that, but think of his wife. My exes other gf is now so destraught she's in therapy and near suicidal. She's convinced her life is over. She still hasn't let go of him despite the fact he's lied and lied and turned her life upside down. No one deserves that, espeically not this guys wife and kids. If he's capable of putting his wife in kids in a position like that, he's capable of doing it to anyone. You need to get angry at his selfishness and realize you deserve more.

[westwind61]

Good advice Neya. Made me feel worse because I am the married man in my situation and am living through my own break-up, but the truth hurts sometimes.

 

I can offer you this perspective Talia04 because I am in the same boat as your man: contact with you feels just way too good. He's weak, and he will keep trying to contact you. There may be problems in his marriage, but it's still WRONG for the two of you to do what you are doing. You can't start relationships this way. His wife and children were first in line. You have to accept that. He's wrong to use you to fill his needs and wants. And you are in fact, entitled to a man who can devote and commit to you completely. And it's not even a question of entitlement. It's just the way things have to be in matters of love.

 

Consider this also: 90% of men in this situation go back to their marriages The fact that he is already conflicted after nine months and telling you it has to end is a clear indication that this IS going to end, and not the way you want it to.

 

There are multiple levels of pain here for all concerned. No one is going to deny that you are going to hurt at almost incomprehensible levels. But follow the advice on the board that you are reading. Take the high road. Don't contact him and start healing. Good luck.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I think that if this guy wasn't cheating with you he would be with another girl, I wouldn't say you are taking him away from his family, he WANTS to be away from that but not too much since he's obviously not leaving his wife.

 

Look at the situation, you have a liar that cares little about the woman he married to and what harm he can do to the mother of his kids, you say there's a connection, great, but he's not asking divorce for it no matter how special you think it is.

This would be easy, if he loved you he would end his relationship, if you loved him you would want that too, but you seem to prefer to have him in parts, why?.

 

You might be afraid of a real relationship, of commitment, of falling in love, and so you prefer to go through hell for a guy that's not giving back and is not worth it.

 

You should think about yourself, if you keep going with this you'll only make the pain last longer, in the end the pain will be bigger and the remorse too, you can decide when you want to stop this, and even if now you still want to go back again there will be a moment when nothing will be seen as worth it, you might not want to wait until then.

 

We all make poor decisions in our lives, but we have the power to fix them.

Good Luck.

[stinky]

Talia,

 

It really broke my heart to read your post. I too am in a similiar situation (read post below - Please don't judge).

 

Tomorrow will be a week of no contact. I have gone months without contact before, it's just different this time - much harder than ever before.

 

I finally had some courage to go to see a therapist this week. I didn't get too much out of it, but it was only 1 session. I hope the sessions get better.

 

I feel your pain - the pain of not knowing if you will ever be happy again. I know I'm not one to give advice considering my own weakness but....

 

Coming from someone who has been in this situation for far too many years - the longer you let it go on, the more pain you will feel. I look back on everything, and wish that I would have let him go after the first year, 2nd year...so on. The situation will not change. The only thing that will change is the hurt you feel. My MM has also called it quits many times before, but we always come back to it. Everytime we have let it end, I have been miserable. Now that I look back on it though, I realize that the pain I felt than, doesn't compare to what I am feeling now. You will only become more attached to him.

 

I had a really good reply from Beec about this being an addiction. It is. I have come to terms with that. I feel like that the MM has a rope that he has me attached too. He pulls it in when he needs something, he lets the slack out when he doesn't....but we are always attached. The rope never breaks. The MM also knows he has the power to pull the rope tighter whenever he wants to...but you or I can't just start tighting the rope when we need something. It is always on their terms, not ours.

 

I know I'm probably talking nonsense. I just feel that I had sort of a break-through last night. I want to picture this rope in my mind all the time, I want to picture it being broke and snapped apart. I can see it tearing apart more and more everytime I think about past memories - memories of the bad things, not the good ones. The birthdays he has missed, the cancellation of time we were too spend together, him being with her, the lack of emotion from him when things aren't on his terms, the lies, the heartache, him moving......all of it. I don't allow myself to think of the good times, it sets me back more and honestly....I'm getting really sick of crying.

 

I want to be able to say to him when he calls and says he misses me (because we both know that day will come, they are as weak as we are) that the rope has been broke. I want to be able to tell him that the rope that binded me to him is no longer there. To me, that would be the ultimate satisfaction - letting him no he no longer has that power over me. My day will come, and so will yours. Let us have the power.

 

You talk about not leaving the friendship behind. I thought this man was my best friend. When it came straight down to it, he wasn't there for me when I needed him most. That's what real friends do. They are just a "friend" to us when it is on their time, not ours. I know you want to believe right now that you two can just stay in contact and be friends - but trust me, it won't work. I have tried that route numerous times. He doesn't want to continue to be friends with you, he wants to keep that rope tied around you. I too have shared so much with this man, everything. We talked about our lives, our dreams, etc. But when it comes right down to it, they can never call themselves a true friend if they can't be there when you need to count on them the most. Everybody talks of the MM always putting the wife first. They put themselves first.

 

I hope you can find something in my words to help. If you ever need to talk - please private message me. Take care of yourself!

[egirl2005]

I don't want to bash you, which would be very easy for me as I am the wife of a man who had an affair with a secretary in his office. She knew he was married and had a young son and she had met both of us. We are currectly trying to fix our relationship. We have been married 13 years.

 

I don't believe you can honestly say to yourself that you were in love with this man before the first time you had sex with him, so how can you justify taking what is not yours.

 

If you were attracted to him and he you, I would think you would tell him you could not be with him unless he was up front with his wife, tell her he is unhappy, leave her and pursue what you feel together.

 

Any other option is not okay or right. There is no exception. Period.

 

Until you have experienced the tidal wave of pain that crashes into one's life when a beloved spouse betrays you; you will not understand what I am talking about. But you will be as responsible as him. There are no consoling thoughts. The future is without interest or hope. The agony of knowing that the person to whom you have devoted your love has betrayed your trust and is now involved in sexual intimacies with a "stranger"... a competitor....a more beautiful? playmate. Death itself would be easier to tolerate than being tossed aside like an old shoe.

 

These are not my words but they accurately describe just some of what I am going through.

 

End this before you have to live with the guilt of having destroyed four innocent lives. Once that's done there will be no happily ever after for anyone.

[voltaire]

You're a bit thick, aren't you? This guy has you just where he wants you. He gets a nice exciting free screw, but in fact you're just there to play second fiddle, and occasionally, when you become too clingy, he boots you away just hard enough to make sure you accept your inferior status. Is your sense of worth really so abjectly low that you MUST have the one person who can never really give you anything worthwhile? This is like a letter from a teenager, frankly.

[One Kind Bud]

You, my dear, would be what they call a "homewrecker" here in my neck of the woods. [-X I would cut your losses and move on. I am sure it's hard but you don't want to be with someone that is going to betray their family like that. If he did leave his wife for you, he would just do the same thing...

[Talia04]

So basically I've realized that asking for opinions from ppl who are way too judgemental and shouldnt be on this forum is pointless. I asked for help not judgement. So thanks. But anyways things are ok because it's time away from each other. I take it day by day. thats all I can do. To all those who are judging me.... too bad you are pointless to this forum.

 

thanks

[melrich]

I asked for help not judgement.

 

It is very hard not to judge. You have to accept that you are asking for advice about something the vast majority of people think is wrong. There are not many people, in the world I suspect, that would be comfortable giving you advice about how to keep this affair going.

 

I know there is a maxim that you have to look after number 1 in life but sometimes that just isn't the case. Sometimes you have to think about how your actions are or potentially are going to impact someone else.

 

In this case I think you have to come to the conclusion that the continuation of this affair will probably devastate the life of his wife and 3 young children, probaby rip apart his friends and families and likely impact the people around you at work.

 

Sometimes we have to sacrifice our own desires for the greater good.

[voltaire]

In fact my reply WAS meant to help you. Let me put it another way - you're being stupid and self-destructive in following someone who clearly doesn't care about you. You should get out of the situation instantly, entirely, and never look back. I've known people who've thrown away their entire lives in similar circumstances. If you really think there's some comforting words we can offer, a pat on the back and murmur "There, there, it'll be OK" you're even stupider than you've made yourself look up until now. One day, believe me, you will look back and say "How could I have been so STUPID!" The sooner that day comes , the sooner you get a life.

[smickey]

I know how you are feeling as I was in your situation almost 2 years ago. Like you, I thought my life was over, and that I had lost the one I loved so that was that. I was on anti-depressants, I cried every day and I found it difficult to do the simple things as my mind was so occupied with him. We left it by saying we loved each other but that he was going to work on his marriage - I think to reassure us both that we would be there for each other in spirit really. We resolved to try being friends when I had sorted myself out a bit.

 

4 months later we met and talked things through - the pain was still right on the surface and I struggled with that meeting so I stood in front of him, told him that I loved him, kissed him goodbye and walked away.

 

From that day on we had no contact and I worked on myself. I got off the anti-depressants, I made new friends, I had a new job, new house, new life. It was unbelievably hard work, but each day was a little easier than the one before. 8 months later we started emailing again to see if a friendship was possible. During this time I also found out that he was having an affair with someone new which was absolutely devastating to me. I cut contact again and didn't speak to him for 10 months.

 

Just last week he emailed me for my birthday. I responded and said I knew about his affair, he replied and said I was wrong, and that it was all a misunderstanding. I responded and said I knew he was lying. I haven't heard from him since then and don't really expect to. And amazingly I am ok at the moment - I'm strong and able to deal with it, and have only cried about it once, then put it aside. (Don't get me wrong, that was very hard to do - you have to be disciplined, and it still hurts like hell).

 

My point is that things do get better and your life does improve even if you don't think so now. I finally, 2 years on can see him for what he is. I still love him (why I don't know - I haven't worked that out yet), but I can see how destructive he can be and I am making the choice to go the other direction. You must look forward - for myself, I have a great future ahead of me - an awesome new boyfriend, an active lifestyle, money in the bank, travel plans and lots of friends. He is not the be-all and end-all of my life, he is someone from my past.

 

As for how you are feeling now - my advice is to keep occupied and always look forward. Fill your days with activities - go to the gym, read books go out with friends, play sport, book a holiday, set goals for yourself at work/study. Keep on this forum - reading and learning and contributing (although I am not a prolific poster this forum has saved me many times). Remember that there is more to life than him, and that things will get better. Remember how you were before you met him. I know it seems impossible right now, but that's what I thought at the time too.

 

Take it one day at a time and good luck!!

[hockeyboy]

have some respect for his family as im sure you would want someone to respect yours. you'll be a better person for it.

[michelemybell]

Good post Smickey. I'm glad that you got out of that downward spiral. Just be glad that you found out what you were really dealing with and he's not your problem anymore. I'm glad you are doing better.

 

Talia, I agree with the other posters. We want you to get out of this mess and be healthy. We think you have more potential than this guy. We want you to go down a better path.

[Wisewoman]

Please read my thred 'Tangled web' and see what happened to me.

 

People are judgemental here it seems.

 

I truly believe what comes around goes around. It did to me.

 

He doesnt love you, if he did he wouldnt be doing this to you.

There is no future for you, the longer you wait, the more heartbreak there is.

[jerseykel]

Talia:

 

I know that you're hurting right now, but let me give you a different perspective on all of this. Let's say that Mr. Wonderful realizes that he loves you and is willing to do anything to have you. Are you really ready for that? Here's a glimpse into your future.

 

First of all, plan on spending the next 1 to 2 years being his sounding board as he goes through the divorce. The wonderful private times that the two of your are spending now will soon be spent discussing lawyer fees, child support, alimony, property division, life insurance, wills, medical expenses, etc. If your relationship can withstand that and the financial setback, when the courts garnish half of his income per month, you're ready to move on to the next exciting stage.

 

Once he is divorced your standard of living will suffer, because he's now supporting two families. In addition, you will be spending every other weekend with his 3 children, who by now hate you, because you took their daddy away and now they have to spend every other weekend without their mommy. Are you ready to be excluded from every school play, sporting event, teacher conference,etc., because their mommy doesn't feel comfortable when you come to those things with their daddy?

 

Are you ready to hear that Mr. Wonderful doesn't want any more children and you have to give up your dream of having your own family. And don't expect your parents, friends, neighbors, etc. to welcome your new husband and his 3 kids into their lives either. They're struggling with their own feelings of what the two of you did.

 

Should I tell you what's going to happen the first time you try to discipline little Johnny or Susie. They're going to run back to mommy and mommy is going to yell at daddy and guess who is going to be the bad guy? Yes it will be you, no matter how much in the right you were.

 

Are you willing to put a large majority of your salary towards raising someone else's kids? It doesn't matter that he's paying child support. He's still going to be paying out of his pocket during the times that the kids are visiting. There will be fights between the two of you over birthday party gifts, cars, clothes, food, entertainment expenses and even things as trivial as shampoo for the children.

 

And the ex-wife will never be out of the picture. Mr. Wonderful is going to have to converse with her over all of the day to day responsibilites that go with raising three children, who did not ask to be split up and living out their suitcases a few days each week. Be prepared for the rejection that you and your new husband will feel when one or all of them refuse to come to visit one weekend. It's not because they don't love their dad, it's because all of their friends live in mommy's neighborhood or they miss their dog, or they're simply confused. Yet, you will take it as another missle fired at you for wrecking their home. If the rejection doesn't paralyze you, the guilt will soon overtake you and you'll wonder why you and Mr. Wonderful barely speak any longer.

 

So, get any romantic fantasties out of your head about this relationship that you're having. If he doesn't leave his wife, how long do you really think you can keep seeing him on the side, before someone finds out? Once it's out in the open, he'll have to choose. For your sake, I hope he stays with his wife. If he doesn't, you've won the battle, but you're in for a very long war.

 

Don't let this thing go on any longer. You deserve your own life, your own love, your own children; it's all about you right now. Do this for you.

[ls]

Dear Talia,

 

I know exactly how you feel. I'm going through the same thing ( link removed ) myself with an old friend of mine who is unfortunately married. It wasn't something I was looking for and neither was he. It just happened and he fessed up his feelings. I fought it for about a month and a half before finally accepting the situation. We hung out and got along really well but he turned funny out of the blue and suddenly it wasn't the same anymore. He now considers me just a friend and despite all that, still wants to have the same level of communication or whatever we used to have before. It was very hard to accept at first but I know that I have to let him go. Afterall, he is married and what he is doing isn't doing me any good and it isn't doing him any good either until he can resolve whatever issues it is he is having with himself. So yeah, it is tough... but you'll have to let him go even when he tries to contact you and such. The only thing that makes me wonder is why do married men do this? Argh...