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smickey

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  1. smickey
    CrapatNC, Well done you for helping someone who was in a bad situation. Don't be so hard on yourself - you did a good deed for someone else. So you broke NC - already you realise that you don't want to do it again, and you handled it really well by keeping things light and ending it first as well as doing it for a really good cause! Don't stress - I still think you're doing great.
  2. smickey
    celebros - I think the key is not to place too much emphasis on the significance of the day - it is just another day after all. You might just need to put a little more effort in than usual that's all. CrapatNC - I can't wait to read your post on day 30! I think you are doing wonderfully. Your last post was really positive. CP4life - I don't know your story, but I don't see how NC can backfire really. Why do you say the breakup was uncalled for? It must have happened for a reason? My advice would be to use this time to spend a bit of time on yourself. If you are seeing her on 24 July then you might have a clearer idea of where you want things to go by then. As of yesterday I am now a homeowner and have my own little place! I won't move in for a couple of months though but I'm really looking forward to living by myself and setting myself up! The irony is that mine was one of two identical offers and mine was accepted because the vendor was a single girl like me! (She had to choose somehow I guess!) So if I'd been with my ex then I might not have got it! See - there are positives to breakups! No word from the ex about our 'date' next week, but I don't expect to hear from him until the weekend so that's fine. Trying not to get my hopes up as many things could go wrong but I'd be lying if a little bit of me wasn't hoping just a bit...hope for the best but prepare for the worst is my motto... Good luck everyone...you are all doing great.
  3. smickey
    thanks waterbaby and crapatNC! It's hard to know how to best proceed from here - it's all a bit of a guessing game but I'll just do my best! Good luck to you guys too - CrapatNC you'll easily get to a week then you'll be on a roll.
  4. smickey
    day 13 Answered a call from him last night and we talked for about an hour. He wants to give it another go. I'm pleased, but a bit worried about getting hurt again. I told him that lots of things need to be addressed if things are going to be better than last time. I said I thought that he should speak to a counsellor and that I wouldn't want to start seeing him again until he had done that and he agreed! So I gave him the name of a guy and he is going to make the appointment. We are going to go out for coffee next week and see what happens. I'm in two minds - part of me wants it to work and the other part thinks that so much would have to happen to make it work that it's just impossible. Either way I'm going to take it really slowly. Can't believe he said he wants me back - but he's said that before - he needs to show me now. I think he realises that now which is why he is going to see the counsellor. So back into NC until he rings and asks me about coffee. Next Tuesday would have been our 3 year anniversary so that's going to be hard. It would be ironic if we ended up going out on that day as our first step into the next stage (whatever that may be).
  5. smickey
    day 12 Well done CrapatNC! You are becoming quite good at NC - you'll have to change your name... Sick again today but dragged myself into work to get some stuff done. He rang last night. I answered it but said I couldn't talk as I was out to dinner with some people. I told him I had burned all our photos to cd for him (he asked me to) and that I'd get the disk to him. He said he'd ring back today to sort that out. If he doesn't ring today then it is just going in the post to his dad's place and they can figure it out. Too many times he has said that he'll ring and then he doesn't so I'm not hanging around waiting for the phone to ring anymore. I hope that he now does the same and returns the rest of my stuff - I've only asked about four times and I won't ask again - I'd just let it go except it's a lot of videos from our holidays that I want, he can have the replaceable stuff. These photos are the last thing I have to give to him then I have no ties with him really.
  6. smickey
    day eleven very tired this weekend - the result of not being very well for a few weeks and being absolutely snowed with work and study I think. But I'm going to use today to try and catch up on some study which should relieve a little bit of stress about that. Not really thinking about him much - he never rang me back after his message last week so I'm just getting on with things. All his talk about wanting to get back together was obviously just that. It's actually not that hard for me to not contact him most of the time, I just have these stupid moments of weakness that I have to watch out for.
  7. smickey
    day 10 double figures! - again... Went out last night with some friends. I'm finding that I'm playing things very safe at the moment and just hanging around people I know when I'm out and that I'm not really ready to meet anyone new. Guess I just need to take things slow. It's been just over 3 months now and I don't want to be with anyone else yet. I've been in contact with another ex who has been helping me as well but that's starting to cause it's own problems so I might have to draw back from that as well. He's one that I never really got over so I'm trying to work through that as well! Great - getting over two guys now! But overall I'm doing really well - much happier than I've been in years and so proud of my hard work. I'll get there but damn it's hard!
  8. smickey
    day nine doing ok. I'm finding that I don't think about him that much really, and when I do I'm just angry at all the broken promises he has made since we broke up. I don't understand the way he's acted and I don't know why he had to make things harder than they already are. seriously...how hard is it to show someone a bit of respect? Anyway, that's his problem. I'm just so grateful that I knew about NC from the start and did it straight away - I thereforeeee haven't had any cringeworthy moments like drunken texts or calls or begging him to come back. The urge to call him and just let loose is overwhelming sometimes but there's no point.
  9. smickey
    day eight Mostly doing ok - just puzzled by his behaviour really. He hasn't rung back after leaving a message 2 days ago. I know I shouldn't care but it's hard not to wonder what is going on in his head. Luckily things are busy for me so most of the time I can put it out of my mind.
  10. smickey
    day seven Feel pretty good today. My ex rang me last night but I didn't hear my phone as I was in the supermarket so picked up the message later. He didn't call back and for a second I felt tempted to return his call, but only for a second! Life is very busy so I'm just trying to keep on top of things really - good distractions though and plenty of other things for me to think about.
  11. smickey
    Day 6 Had a good weekend away. Ran into one of his friends at the airport last night and we had a drink while we were waiting for our flights. We talked a little about my ex - he reiterated that my ex was worried about the commitment stuff because of how his parents split up when he was younger. Great - my relationship ends because of something that happened 15 years ago...At least it confirmed what I already knew. Feeling a bit dejected and bitter about it all but hopefully that feeling will pass.
  12. smickey
    Day Two Been a bit teary today, not because of the ex, but just that everything gets you down after a while and sometimes you just need to submit, have a bit of a cry and move on. Off to see the counsellor again this afternoon so perhaps I'll get somewhere there.
  13. smickey
    I'm back.... Broke NC yesterday after a long period but it has just confused me again and set me back. I thought I was ready to talk to him but I guess I'm not. It doesn't help that he's saying he's unsure and might want me back. I need to be tough and wait for him to SHOW it rather than just SAY it, but also be prepared that it will never happen (probably more likely...). So I'm back for another 30 days...
  14. smickey
    DUNZO!!! I know your post wasn't meant to be funny but it did make me chuckle! I wish I could predict the future like you can! I can only reiterate what reasonablegirl said - don't stress about the future, and certainly don't have such a doomed outlook on life! Let's just stop thinking with our hearts and go back to thinking with our heads for a second... How many people on this forum have completed the 30 day challenge, or however many days of NC, or preached and praised about the NC process and how great it is? Too many to count. NC is not a 'well life sucks so I'll just try and get through it' process, it is a 'grab every opportunity and make the most of me and who I am' process. How often do we have this opportunity? We are single and free to work on ourselves to our hearts content, we are allowed to be selfish and because we have just lost a SO everyone is being nice to us! It is a massive chance to change and grow so make the most of it! Plus, the best bit is that at the end, if you have made the most of it, you'll be proud of yourself, and nothing beats that. GOOD LUCK!!!
  15. smickey
    Well I ended up breaking NC last night as I did see my ex at soccer and we decided to have a talk. It went really well - I was strong - no tears and I didn't loose it. If anything I'm doing much better than him! He said that he had been missing me lately and didn't know what he wanted and that he thought he might want to get back together. I told him that it seemed like he was still mixed up and that if he did want me back it wouldn't be easy - he'd have to put in a huge effort. He just seemed really sad and upset and tired. He also said that he hardly recognised me and that I looked really good - fit and healthy. I'm glad I broke NC, but I have to be careful not to start daydreaming about a happy ever after for us - he still has a long way to go and I'm not even sure that's what I want anymore. It was killing me to see that he was so upset but I also really like the new life I'm building. He wants to meet up next week sometime to give me back some of my stuff. I said that I'd see, and that if I was too busy maybe he could post it or give it to my friend to give to me, but left the door open that perhaps we could meet up for the 'exchange'. I think NC has been absolutely brilliant for me - it has given me back some confidence and self respect and allowed me to focus on myself. I've had a chance to reflect on my relationship and where I went wrong and things I would do differently the next time. I didn't know when or how we would resume contact (or even if we would) and I'm shocked that he said that he thinks he may have made the wrong decision, but thankfully I'm smart enough now to not get my hopes up. I think I will continue NC from this end, but will start to respond if he gets in contact as I want to get some communication going, but also not lose the momentum I have created in other areas of my life. So to those of you nearing the end of the challenge and wondering whether to resume contact - all I can suggest is that you don't do it until you feel a bit better within yourself and feel ready for what they might throw at you, and don't go rushing back in, undoing your good work. For me, after 50 days of NC and 2 1/2 months since we split I felt I was ready to just say hi and see where he was at. And I was surprised at how badly he was doing - we all have this perception of the dumper as a heartless person who stomped all over us and left relieved that they are out of our lives, but actually many dumpers do it really tough as well, so try and take the high road and be considerate of their feelings while still getting your point accross - you'll look a much better person for it. Good luck everyone!
  16. smickey
    Day 21 Feeling ok today. Had a really good weekend with some old friends who came to visit so ended up having a few drinks each night and not much sleep. There is a strong chance I could see my ex tonight at training as he will be playing a game on the other pitch - my friend is playing as well and others I know are watching. I don't know whether to watch it or not, knowing he will be there. Half of me wants to speak to him to see where he is at but I don't know how that will affect me. The other half just wants to go, do my training then leave, hopefully avoiding him in the process although it will be very difficult considering he'll be at the same place. My friend has offered to talk to him about this whole situation (my ex agreed to stop playing soccer 'out of respect' for me because he knew it would be hard on me, but then has just kept playing anyway). Perhaps I'll just see what happens when I get there. This is the first time I'll be going somewhere knowing he will be there so I guess it will be a test for me - don't see why I should miss training with my team just because of him though. Anyway, other than this issue I think I'm doing ok!!
  17. smickey
    Day 18 All is good - looking forward to another full on weekend of sport, socialising and catching up on study.
  18. smickey
    Day 17 Feeling really good today - just building on what has happened in the last week or so. Keeping really busy which helps a lot, and my social life is picking up (not dates, but just hanging out with friends). One guy even asked me to go skiing with him (and a group of mutual friends) in NZ! Had to turn him down - we are just friends but I think he wants more and I don't. Nice that he thought of me though. Good work everyone else who is in the middle of the challenge - everyone is doing well - if you are early on, take heart when you read the messages from those who are near the end and hang in there!
  19. smickey
    Day 16 Feel like this week has been massive for me and I've moved forward in so many ways. It's been a real eye-opener having my previous ex to talk to - he was very candid and open and made me realise a lot about myself and the way I act in relationships. This whole process is not about my ex anymore - it's about me and it's something I need to go through to prevent heartache in the future and really get my life back to the way it was a few years ago. My friend made me realise that my life now is really good, and full of opportunities and that it doesn't actually take that much input to start seeing the results so imagine what could happen when I do start applying myself! People are noticing the change in me - 2 people yesterday said there was something different about me - they said it was a noticeable change in the way I was carrying myself and it was really good. So all I can say to the newbies is to grab NC with both hands and take it as an opportunity to be better than you ever have before. It's YOUR life to do with what you like so make it the best you can. You WILL feel better for it I promise.
  20. smickey
    MsBear - no problem - it's easy to give the advice - not so easy to put it into practice. Congratulations on getting to day 30! And by the way I'm jealous that you are in London - I miss it a lot.
  21. smickey
    Day 15 Feel like I've been hit by a bus today after talking to a counsellor yesterday. She thinks my ex had commitment issues but that I may have pushed him a bit hard to commit - probably both true although when someone says they want to marry you, you do want to believe that it is true. She also bought out a whole lot of other stuff which I'll need to consider as well. I'm still a bit dubious about this counselling stuff as at the moment it is making me feel worse, but looking at the big picture, I think I need to address these things once and for all so I can get back to being happy again. So I'm willing to perservere to get to that stage - after all, everything else I've tried hasn't worked so why not give this a go? The longer this 'journey' continues, the less I feel it is about him and the more I feel it is about me. I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakthrough and if I just keep chipping away I'll see the light very soon. Hopefully anyway - I don't think I can take much more of this emotional rollercoaster!
  22. smickey
    MSBear - I know how you feel - there are reminders everywhere if you turn them into that. Try and stop the thoughts before they develop that far and be tough on yourself. That train to Wimbeldon may have had some significance before, but now it's just a train, there's nothing special about it - in fact if you look closely it's probably got graffiti and dirty seats and is running late - why reminisce about it? And the couple in the car? They could end up having a huge argument later in the day - would you think they were so lucky then? There's a few things you can try if you like to stop these thoughts - wear a rubber band round your wrist and 'ping' yourself everytime - it breaks your thought pattern and distracts your brain (and hurts if you do it hard enough). Or perhaps try to imagine sticking that thought on a leaf that is floating on the river and watch it float away - out of your head and out of sight. It's a relaxing picture and again gets your brain doing something else. Worth a try perhaps?
  23. smickey
    Day 14 ...almost halfway... Had a very interesting weekend - hung out with a previous ex who has turned out to be an absolute star. He gives amazing advice and since he knows me so well can give me a very honest assessment of me and how I am in relationships. He said I have a tendency to dive in too quickly and also to wear my heart on my sleeve (both true) and that I should take my time and hold a bit back - give them a chance to chase. I know that it's a confidence thing - I worry that if I take too long or make it too difficult for them they will leave but I'm starting to realise that is probably not the case. It's all about maintaining my independence and being a strong woman, rather than becoming dependant on a guy. And at the moment I appreciate the advice from someone who does love me (he still does, as I do him - ours is a very long story), and really wants to see me shine. It's nice to have someone who has such faith in your abilities and who can see that I'm trying really hard and doing well, and has taken the time out to tell me so. It makes me stop and think that if he has faith in me then I should have more faith in myself and give myself a break. Well I've managed to maintain NC for 14 days of the challenge and 44 days altogether. I know he is thinking about me as he invited me to be his friend on facebook yesterday. I've ignored it while I decide what to do - I'm not going to accept, but I'm trying to decide whether to block him or reject the invitation - whichever is less harsh - I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily. He seems to do these half measures - things like this facebook thing - how can you build a friendship after a break-up when you haven't even worked through all the issues? I'm sure he'll figure it out eventually - not that it matters whether he does or not because it's all about ME!! This is probably the only place you can say that without being called selfish...I've decided there's no point trying to second-guess what he's thinking - it's a waste of headspace and makes no difference. Another piece of advice my friend gave me is that I over-analyse (again very true) and have to 'understand' every issue before I can put it to bed. He's encouraging me to just let things go and not worry about them or try to understand everything because invariably to do so I have to make lots of interpretations of someone else's behaviour which are probably wrong. You can't work out everything little thing that has gone wrong so why bother trying? It just keeps it in your head and stops you from moving on. I'm trying to get past the 'but if I just understand this then I'll be ok' attitude and take the 'it's in the past, stop dwelling on it' approach. That frees up more headspace to think about good stuff! Going to see a counsellor today for the first time - curious as to what happens and how it will help me but hopefully it will all be positive. Oops...long post...but it's good to get it out. Hope everyone else is going well - welcome to those who have just jumped on the wagon.
  24. smickey
    Day 11 ...and 2 months since we broke up. Had a few tears last night while talking with a friend but it was good to get it out - sometimes a good cry makes you feel better. He was taking the 'tough love' approach with me, which seemed a bit harsh at the time, but I do understand what he's trying to do. He's right - I just need to focus on other things and work on the aspects of my life that I can change and everything else will fall into place. His quote to me last night was 'success breeds success' so I'm going to think about that for a bit and see how I go. Hope everyone else is going well on the challenge...
  25. smickey
    Day 10 Double figures! (really it's day 40 though as I'd done 30 days before discovering this thread) I'm finding that I'm thinking less and less about him which is good, although I still wonder if he's thinking about me. I've made such an effort to keep myself busy that I now rush from one thing to the next and don't really have time to think about him! I sometimes wonder though what I'd be doing if I was still with him and if we'd moved into the apartment we chose, whether I'd have gone back to uni and whether I'd have made some of the other plans I've made lately. I was supposed to see a counsellor today but she has re-scheduled so I've got a reprieve there - I'm a little hesitant about it as I don't want to dwell on things for the sake of it, but I'm curious as to whether it will help me or not and how it all works.
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