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aklost101July 22, 2005 in Infidelity
Wow, you're in for a lot more questions like this- of which aren't even answerable. If I were you, I'd ask myself what the heck I was doing with a married man, that's the real issue! Do you really want to always keep on your toes about hiding? And worrying? If you want to know if his wife knows, ask him.
No one here is going to know if she was checking you out or not.
What would you do if she was?
Yes, like the previous poster said, I think that the real question is why are you the other woman? Don't you think you deserve someone who can love you and only you and not sneak around? They ALWAYS say they are going to leave the wife, but they never do! This is a dead-end relationship. Find yourself an available man!!!
I think that if she knows then your adulterous relationship might be in jeopardy. Alot of married men leave the mistress when the wife finds out . Is this why you are asking?
Its a possibility that she has found out about the affair, and its possible that she hasnt found out. At this point I dont think you can say conclusively what her actual purpose was. If she does happen to find out its not like you actually have any control in the situation and you should realize that.
It's possible. But maybe it's just a coincidence. Why not date single men so that you don't have to deal with the worry. What do you hope to get out of this relationship if it's always going to be under wraps? Are you hoping he will leave her? I don't know but I have heard that chances of that are slim in most cases. Date single men. It simplifies things exponentially.
What kind of store is it?
If it is a Butcher Shop and she is a Vegetarian... u r in big trouble, if not then u r still in trouble... if you know what she looks like, I would probably bet she knows what u look like... especially since u have been seeing him for a year...
I must say that it really is not your fault... it is the guys fault... you have nothing to lose, he does. Except if his wife is looking for some type of retribution, in that case I would end the affair, to prevent any additional drama.
I must say that it really is not your fault... it is the guys fault... you have nothing to lose, he does. .
Why is it not her fault to knowingly help someone break his marriage vows?
I must say that it really is not your fault... it is the guys fault... you have nothing to lose, he does.
Oh, she has plenty to lose.... she could be meeting available men, one who may be faithful to her and want to marry her! or, all her friends and co-workers may find out she's a "the other woman" and then no one will trust her around their boyfriends and husbands.
I think you've already lost A LOT of time on this unavailable man.
If you're not ready for a real relationship, then you could just date nice, funny, SINGLE men without getting into a relationship. You say eventually you'll get tired of not being the only one. You know the relationship is not going anywhere and you don't really want it to since you don't want a real relationship but why do something that could hurt his wife and kids if they found out? Why not just try going on some dates you know, and don't get into a relationship, just date people. I guess I'm just trying to suggest that there are other ways for you to protect your feelings and to avoid getting into a serious relationship and to enjoy funny, kind men who will treat you well than having an affair that could end up hurting some innocent people. If you guys are fairly "open" and his wife has come into your store then it may just be a matter of time things get out.
i would have to say that i don't really think it's my fault, per se, i'm just enabling him. it's like a codependant relationship. a person can't be codependant w/o someone to be dep upon. a person can't commit adultry w/o a partner. i'm not actually commiting the adultery but i'm not stopping him from doing it either.
If you aid and assist in someone committing a criminal act you are as guilty of the crime as the prime mover in the crime. In some cases you can also be charged with conspiracy. In civil law this comes under the general principle of joint and several liability.
The same principle is applied to immoral or unethical acts. The fact that you are aware that he is married and continue the affair regardless means that you are as guilty of the immoral act as he is. You are not breaking any marriage vows, that is true, but you are equally responsible for his betrayal of his vows.
Depending on where you live, if the marriage breaks down because of this affair, you could be sued by his wife for alienation of affection and, if found liable by a jury, be on the hook for substantial damages. The fact that such laws exist demonstrates society's general disapproval of having affairs with married people.
A few of the things you've said I've head before from a friend who is in love with a married man. The only thing you say differently is that you don't love him. I imagine to his wife, who probably does love him and trusts him, that would be even more offensive. At least if you loved him you could say you can't help how you feel etc. The way you say it now just seems so matter-of-fact--I find that a little sad.
If you don't feel ready to get in a real relationship I wonder how dating a married man will affect your faith in honest, loyal relationships in the future. Now you know how easy it is to cheat, heck you have even met his personal friends ( who probably know his wife), shows how willing other people are to cover up things--or just not get "involved". Do you think knowing this you could have faith in your man or your marriage in the future?
I find a good reason not to do this type of thing is not necessarily because it is dishonest and cruel, but because it often turns us into cynics.
I guess, like you said, if he doesn't break things off, or if his wife finds out and torches your car, you'll just get bored one day. Of having less, of not being with him on Valentine's day, or his wife's birthday, or whatever. One day, you'll want a man who will ask you to go with him to his boss' house for dinner or take you out in public and introduce you to all his friends and family and all the other stuff that goes along with an exclusive relationship.
I do hope you get bored of him and move on, as opposed to having some kind of explosive event break up the affair.
i have been invited to a wedding with him.
One of his friends invited you to a wedding? Shouldn't they say MM + W, not, MM and OW?
Well, of course the post drifted. Obviously, none of us know if she knows what's up or not. Walgreens is the type of place - like you said, people just go in and out. Not always a bunch of "regulars." Seeing as how she didn't say to you, "You homewrecking *beep!*", there's no possible way that we, as internet strangers, can tell if this was a co-incidence or not. Maybe her ring was off because she was getting it cleaned, or resized. Who knows?
Really? If he told you he wanted to leave his wife, you would send him back to her? If you really think he belongs with his wife, why are you still spending time with him?
I suppose she is still with him because she disagrees with some of society's mores - including the one that says don't help someone break his promises, or the one that says don't gratuitously or negligently inflict pain on other people.
I also suppose that she is concerned that this is has drifted away from her original question because she seeks reassurance that this guy's wife has not found her out in order to disregard societal mores that say you don't get violent or murderous with your husband's mistress no matter how justified you may feel.
Wow. I would be surprised if his wife didn't know. You've got people asking you to go to weddings with HER husband!! I can't see how he could explain away his whereabouts all the time, esp if you're getting invited to stuff in her place. If she doesn't know, then he is either an exceptionally good liar or she is really naive.
Some people just don't see things they don't want to see.... maybe the wife is *sort of* wondering where her husband is at certain time... you know.... doesn't want to see the truth.....
I think this is one of the few times I really feel bad for a person having an affair like this. Like you said, this is not going to ruin your future relationship, you are here because your faith has already been ruined. That's very, very sad.
I will say this, you doing this because it has been done to to you does not make it right in any way.
I wonder though, if you don't love him and you don't care what his wife's feelings will be.. then why does it even matter that she may know about the affair? What is it that you are afraid of ?
I have read your original post and the replies....and as a guy in an affair myself, i'm not going to judge u or anything else, or his motives or whether or not he will leave/stay.
the only thing that massively sticks out frrom what u have said is facdt that u dont love him. so would u stay with agtuy, single, that u dont love either? this bit on my part is v v questionable. thereforeeee what future is there, what can u expect and what the hell is he using u for?
I agree with the other posters, I believe the wife might be wondering, but in all honesty if she didn't linger at the store I'd assume she wasn't there for you.
On another note. The way you described yourself is the way I've heard "commitmentphobic" people described in many books. You get scared when things get serious in a relationship, you're seeing a man with which you know a commitment is entirely out of the question so you don't want to stop, etc, etc. If I were you, I'd look into myself and examine that.
I know that being "bad" can be fun. Just realize that you're not only going to be hurting yourself or the man here. The wife who has done nothing to you will be devastated if she ever found out. If that doesn't bother you at all, go on doing what you're doing, you obviously care more about being bad than being considerate. If so it does however, you know what you need to do. You have a choice to end this. It takes two to tango after all.... It's not just him that decided to have an affair, you had the decision to let things go like this and you willingly made it. After all, you did say you made the chioce and that you don't love him.
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