You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[indespair]

eendjuh I know exactly how you feel. My bf broke up with me in feb and he always calls me, lets me know he's thinking of me, but will NOT commit to a getting back together again phase...it's hard bcs I see him everyday, and hard to do NC...so I've gone the "friend" route...friends, even tho there's lots of sexual tension between us. I think your ex definitely still has feelings for you-but at this point, I wouldn't force her to be one way or the other. Let her talk to you. Talk to her. Be comforting. But be in control. Tell her you'd love to talk to her over dinner or something, but if she's gonna call you randomly, tell her it's just too hard, or just turn your phone off. We, as ex's who want to get back together with our ex's, must retain some sort of control..even if it's shortlived...If she really wants/needs you, your being there will speak for itself. But you shouldn't be a doormat either. I'm trying to live by these words too!!!

[SuperDave71]

All,

 

 

I feel several of you are missing the point of N.C. I know you miss your Ex's BUT.....

 

 

If someone broke up with you, there could be several reasons why but you must remain strong.

 

Let me explain...

 

This is a silly example but if you were hanging on to you ex's hand while in a tall tree....and they let go of your hand ( breaking up ) and you get hurt not in the act of falling, but when you hit the ground. ( heartache)

 

When your ex climbs out of the tree...are you going to hug them and say its ok that you let me go?

 

 

Silly analogy but it does work. When an Ex breaks up with you, it hurts if there was any bit of caring, emotion, or even a strong bond between two people. It hurts even worse when love was a big factor.

 

There is an old expression that says "You can't have your cake and eat it to"..

 

What this means is you can't have both. If someone no matter who thy are rejects me in anyway....why would I say it was ok for them to be my friend? I am NOT saying they couldn't be down the road but as of right now....I need time away from that person to regain who I am as a person and learn to love myself more than another.

 

Love is hard. Being rejected is hard. Breaking up is rejecting or being rejected by another and we all know that's hard.

 

Most of the reasoning behind trying to remian friends with an ex or an ex with you is two things:

 

1. They feel guilty and do not want to seem like the bad guy/girl

2. You want to be close to them in hopes of getting back together or fear of moving on because right now you hate being alone and without the one you loved for however many months/years you were together.

 

 

What you do not understand is ex's USUALLY expect this behavior. By doing the OPPOSITE of what they expect and helping yourself at the sametime...what could be better?

 

 

If you call your ex..and they ask you to stop calling, nothing could make you feel worse BUT...

 

 

When your ex broke up with you and you didn't call and you didn't communicate with them at all......WHATSOEVER...

 

 

Nothing can push them away...if you call..or text or email..etc etc..you are almost asking them to reject you even further. STOP IT!

 

Don't be friends with an ex if thy ask you to...It is up to you....It's your decision. If you can't handle it..DON'T

 

 

Work on you....You need to heal and find yourself again....Do what you need to do to make you feel better.

 

Why throw salt in an open wound?

 

You can do it!!! Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and hold your chin up and tell yourself its going to be ok and today is a new day.

 

 

Try to keep smiling....I am here to help you if you need me..

 

 

 

-Your friend,

 

SuperDave71

[LostAngel]

Hi SuperDave

 

Please can I ask you for some advice? I am feeling so down & out now that I don't know what to do with myself.

 

I have a new post called

"Did I the dumpee just ruin every chance with a rebound"

 

Not sure if you've come accross it but my ex and I were together for 7 years but been on & off ever since. We got back together 4 months ago after 1.5 years of me trying to get him back. But he broke up with me just over 2 weeks ago.

 

Over this weekend I met someone and had a "rebound" kiss with them. It meant nothing and just happened. I was very typsy & hurting alot when it happened. I was still speaking to my ex even though once again he broke up with me, hurting me more than ever. That is until I decided to tell him what happened and now he doesn't even want to know or speak to me.

 

He is being so hurtful toward me & is holding this against me in a way that almost to him validates him breaking up with me even more though this had nothing to do with the break up. He is making me feel so bad & guilty. He keeps saying if I loved him I would never have done this and that Ive moved on now.

 

But I have not. I love him more than anything but he has completely shut me out and I think I have lost him forever for messing up with this "rebound" kiss, although he broke up with me...

 

In the past he has been in 2 rebound relationships & kept them from me. This was just a once off kiss but he is holding it all against me.He has hurt me so much.

 

Help! I can't seem to get a grip of myself with this situation. It is eating me up...

 

I only started full NC today...

 

 

 

LostAngel

[SuperDave71]

LostAngel...

 

 

Even if you didn't have the kiss....it wouldn't have mattered so do not beat yourself up. If you like yo yo's ....I suggest you STOP what your doing and just realize you deserve better. It may not be what you want to hear...but realize your life is better than what he has to offer.

 

 

Do not contact your ex. Do not worry about his opinion. the day he broke up with you is the day you can do what you wish. You call the shots.

 

Don't waste time... get busy building yourself up and keeping busy. I know it's hard. But do what you can...ok?

 

 

Stop worrying about him right now. Worry about you.

 

 

You can do it.

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[indespair]

But-

what if your ex DID NOT break up with you because of you...what if there were extenuating circumstances that he did not want to expose you to, so by breaking it off, would in essense push you away from him? Maybe he thought that I couldn't handle it, without really talking about it beforehand. Would total NC really be appropriate in this instance?? And then-what if you decided to stand by him anyway...wouldn't that show him that no matter what, you were ready to just be there for him, even though he shows signs of just wanting to disengage?

[SuperDave71]

indespair,

 

If anyone can't handle a relationship and they say we need time away....or...I can't handle a relationship right now, I would give them not only all the time in the world...I would let them contact me if they needed me. Now granted that may sound a bit callous,....but I believe in giving people what they ask for.

 

I learned this lesson myself many years ago the hard way. I begged, bothered, pleaded, hounded, and everything else I could do to let them know I cared...BUT...what I was in essense doing was NOT giving them what they asked for. I was too darn concerned about them falling out of love with me that I pushed tooooooo hard.

 

It was a very selfish act on my part and I didn't even know it because I was too concerned about MY feelings.

 

 

I believe you can "be there" for someone only if they WANT you there. I have been used ( as many people have ) many times in my life as a safety net as well as a support system for those who didn't honestly care about me, the fact was that they needed ANYBODY at the time. I would learn a good life lesson in the process because after the problem was overcome in their life....my phone never rang even to say "Hello Dave, How have you been..I was just thinking about you."

 

We all make mistakes. If we do not learn from them they are still mistakes and will reoccur sometime down the road.

 

I woke up, so to speak) about 2 and a half years ago after I made excuse after excuse to stay in contact with my ex. The only thing that mattered was that I wanted to remain in her life no matter what EVEN if SHE DIDN'T WANT ME. How sickening is that??

 

I did it. In my defense, I woke up and asked myself, "What the HECK am I doing?" I was plain and simple wasting time.

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

[sisqokc]

Hi SuperDave,

 

I really enjoy your posts and it has been a great help for me

along the last 2 weeks... You have been through all this s**** ,

and now you help other people to get over them problems,...

You're a Kind of Super Hero in some way.......

I'm in a really complicated situation with my ex Girl friend (we have been

together for 4 years)... But today I need your point of view about the problem of my best friend ®.

 

He have been with this girl (T) for 3 years, I muss confess it was a really

difficult relationship, both of them made a lot of mistakes: breaking -up a couple of times, going out with somebody else and getting back together.

 

Two year ago the T decide to end up the realtionship. He then use the

NC-Solution... After 8 Months of NC he invited me and my Girlfriend to his birthday. T was with us as we received the invitations and she was a kind of pissed-off and jealous that she wasn't part of the party... She then then get back in touch with him and get herself invited too. At the party they slept again together.

 

Since that time they meet at least on time per week. They aren't officialy together (he refused), but they are still having sex... T is still dating other guys and he's dating other girls.

 

Nine Months ago, T annouced him that she's dating another Guy (J), after 2 Weeks of dating, J had to leave the country for 1 year (for Work). After on month away J asked T to marry him,... and she accepted.

J his now coming back in about one month, but T and R are still having a sexual relationship.

 

Now R realised that he really love T, he don't want to lose her and want her back. He felt in some kind of depression, since T told him that she will marry J, but she still want to continue to meet him.

 

I feel really disappointed to see R in this state, and I want to know if there is any chance for him to get T back and how should he act in this situation.

 

Sorry for the length of my Post, Any advice is welcome ... And thanks again for your support.

 

I really fell at home in this forum.....

 

Sisqokc

[SuperDave71]

Hey there,

 

 

Thank you for the kind words. It means alot that I am able to help people considering how much I hurt in the past.

 

 

Regarding you situation,

 

 

I believe (T) and ® need time apart. They are obviously confused and using sex as an excuse. As far as T wanting to marry J.... Obviously she is NOT in love with him. She needs to learn to love herself. She is using your best friend and it is after the fact she might be gone that he finds that he loves her? I find that hard to believe. We all want what we can't have. I think J should be told that his potential bride does not love him nor will she remain true to him.

 

Love is patient

Love is kind..

Love is not jealous or boastful..

 

 

The entire situation is disaterous in my opinion. If T and R got together as a couple, could J realllllly trust her? I doubt it.

 

 

He needs to stand up for himself and say no more.. She needs to get some self respect and stop using sex as an excuse.

 

I hope this forum finds you well and I hope to hear from you soon.

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

[sisqokc]

Thanks a lot SuperDave for your quick answer...

 

So you think my best friend ®, need to stop having sex with his ex (T) and also Stop to meet her ? Should he have to use NC again?

His fear is that if he stop meeting her and having sex with her, she will

start a totaly new life (without him) with her Fiancee (J) when he's back and forget him.

He really love that girl and is ready to do all it takes to have her back...

 

I really appreciate your support and I wish I had the half of your experience to help myself, my friends and other people in those Situations.

 

SisqoKC

[SuperDave71]

sisqokc,

 

Quote: "my best friend ®, need to stop having sex with his ex (T) and also Stop to meet her ? Should he have to use NC again?

His fear is that if he stop meeting her and having sex with her, she will

start a totaly new life (without him) with her Fiancee (J) when he's back and forget him."

 

Listen to what your saying here....

 

 

You're saying: Your best friend should stop having sex with his newly engaged to someone else ex lover ..

 

 

YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!

 

That is EXACTLY what I am saying. He doesn't need that mess playing in his head or heart. She is NOT the only one to blame.

 

The definition of insanity is doing teh same thing over and over and expecting a different result....

 

 

We have a bingo!!

 

 

-SuperDave71

[eendjuh]

something inside me broke today...

It's just that I was thinking... if she doesnt choose for me for a 100% maybe she just isnt the right one for me. I know I love her with all my heart... but that's something I would like to have in return too. This breakup is emotionally getting me to the edge of insanity, and i no longer want that.

Yes I want to be with her and hope she figures out herself that she wants to be with me, but as it is today, we do not longer have a relationship and at this point it isnt possible to get one.

She still loves me and misses me a lot she says, but frankly that isnt enough i guess, she doesnt show it, doesnt say it (except 1 time), and when i take a little distance from her, she panics and makes me come back. Well I'm not taking that anymore, I cant live my life like this.

Tomorrow when I see her, i'll say to her that maybe this is the best for the two of us as I want her to be with me with all her heart, and if that's not possible, then maybe it's just not right to be together. Whenever she feels sad or lonely, she calls me, whenever i call her, she doesnt pick up the phone or is just cold, I have my faults in our relationship, but i dont deserve this i think. I've done a lot of thinking on my own, and i've learned from my mistakes in the past. I cant show her as she doesnt come by that much, but at least it'll help me in my life.

I'll always hope she will someday think different and want to start all over, a brand new start for us, but I'm not going to life to that point but move on.

Just wanted to tell that somewhere so why not here

Going out to feel a little better

good luck and much strength for everyone out there

[ffablonde17]

Superdave71,

You know. I went to his house today to drop off something for him. He kind of happy and sad at same time. I was really hurt to see his eye. We both up two month ago. I didn't see him for almost 3 month. We both were chatting about our life. I told him that I'm really sorry to hurt him and he told thank you. But I asked him if I could email or anything. He said no contact. The problem is: he told everyone that he really love me but he really disspointed in me for who I am. He told me to keep working on myself. He want to go back with me but he scare to go in same situation. I cried all of the way home because I knew that I could see his eye. His eye look so hurt. I wish I could hug him or something but couldn't do that. I decided to nc for maybe two or three week. I told him that I want to be his friend but it will be hard. He know that I still love him and have feeling for him. I can tell that he does love me and have feeling for me too. But, I hurt him so much that I didn't see that when I was in KS when we broke up. When he walked away, he said," It was really good to see you again!" I told him same thing before I left and cried. I told him that I didn't want to see him in person because I knew what he would look like when he see me. He used to look good, but now he look like he haven't take care of himself lately. He had been gain a lot of weight. I was so scare when I saw him in person. I never thought he would look so miserable right now. Everyone told me that I hurt him. I knew in my heart that I hurt him a lot. I knew it was time for me to give him for his space for a while. I was so happy that he was coming to party last nite, but his boss called him to work. I thought maybe we could see each other and act like friend. I don't know what to do now.

[eendjuh]

Well my ex came over saturday,

and she told me she's coming back next month, because the girl she lives with now has cancelled her appartment and is going to life back with her parents.

I didnt say a word but she could tell at the look of my eyes that i didnt really liked that. I mean, sure i would love to have her back here to have a new start of our relation, but she's just coming back because she cant go anywhere else (that's what she says but she has family too). So she asked why i didnt like it and i said "it would be strange", she was asking me if i went out much, if girls were interested in me, i didnt really give her a full comment on that.

Next day i've sent her a message to say sorry that i seemed disappointed about the fact that she's coming back, but that i wouldnt mind it if she would want to get together again, but that's not the case so i was a little disappointed, and i told her i would arrange a room for her as we have a spare bed.

she then send me a message telling me she cant figure out her feelings and only wants to start a new relationship with me if she wants to be with me and not because she's lonely, and she told me to think about that myself, if i really want her back or that i'm just lonely. so i told her i wouldnt want her to come back if she doesnt love me anymore, because that wouldnt work.

I'm trying not to contact her so she has time to think, i know she's also having a hard time with this, i can tell because she looks really depressed, and when i said i couldnt come in her house when i went to drop her off, because i had lots of things to do, she looked disappointed.

Now i'm giving her some more time alone, but when she comes back... should i ask my parents if i can move in there, or just stay here to see what happens? it is next month, so maybe something happens or so, but i dont know right now

[anabanana]

hi superdave,

 

i have enjoyed your posts- they have given me some inspiration and insight.

 

i wanted to get your advice on my situation.

 

my husband moved out of our apartment 2 weeks ago. we have had a really rough beginning of the year- lots of arguing, jealousy, emotional abuse. i had been threatning to break up with him for months, and we flipped back and forth on that, and then at the beginning of april he sort of snapped and decided he couldn't take it anymore. i am very external and he is internal, so he said he needed time away to heal his wounds. he said that he had tried to be optimistic about our future throughout this whole ordeal, but that he was now losing that endge and could only see the negative.

 

we saw each other the night before he moved out. we had a very nice night and talked about stuff and we agreed to separate and not see other people and give each other time and space and just see where things went. but we did agree to work towards something positive in the future.

 

i e-mailed him the next day thanking him for having me over, and then asking him to come pick up more stuff since he left ALOT of stuff in the apartment.

i didn't hear from him at all, and then a week later (on wednesday), i left him a message saying i wouldn't be at home on saturday and that he should come pick up his stuff, and that i loved and missed him but wouldn't be contacting him anymore. i told him he can get in touch with me when/if he is ready to see me or when/if he is ready to talk about our future.

 

anyways, on friday i get a letter from him in the mail. he had mailed it out on tuesday. in it he said he had been thinking alot and had had a moment of clarity, and wanted to make a clean break and start moving on. he said he didn't miss me and that he had no hope for our future...

 

that friday he also had a housewarming party at his new place to which i wasn't invited. his new roommate also hates me for some reason, so i am sure he gets alot of negative reenforcement from her.

 

so, obviously, the letter was really hurtful to read. i know he can be very stubborn... but i partly think that the letter may have come from a place of anger, and isn't necessarily an accurate indication of how he is feeling. if he was serious about that stuff, wouldn't he have come to pick up his stuff on saturday? he hasn't actually taken any steps to back up his words.

 

i haven't contacted him at all since the message i left on wednesday. i am not going to contact him at all. i think this may be a test of some kind- one of the reasons we broke up is because i am too "intense" for him....

 

so i guess i am just going to leave things alone, work on my own self-esteem, and maybe he'll get in touch with me in a couple of weeks. maybe he'll start to miss me. if i don't hear from him in 3 weeks, i will contact him and start the divorce proceedings. does that sound like a good idea?

but should i assume we are broken up?

 

what do you think about this? how does someone go from hot to cold so quick, from adoring me to suddenly slicing me out of his life? i don't get it...

i can't believe he said he didn't miss me at all- this was written only 1 week after he moved out, when, honestly, i didn't miss him that much either... i was relieved. but it really hurt to hear that and i am worried he won't miss me.

 

anyways, i am hurt and just need some encouragement.

 

thanks.

[arwen]

This is just a general suggestion for all of you posting here. This is a very insightful thread on dealing with an ex. We have noticed that a lot of people are posting about their personal situation on here, which is of course legitimate.

 

Just keep in mind that you are also free to open your own topic about your situation.

 

It's just a tip from the moderator team to get more advice on your personal situation and avoid an endless search for a potential reaction within this large topic.

 

Take care all,

 

Ilse

[bacci]

I think you shouldn't rush into filing for divorce, let him take that step if and when he is ready but just in case prepare yourself mentally to get served with papers, which means you must respond within 30 days.

I think that you have to accept that your relationship has changed, he has moved out, he has taken an action. sometimes the best course of action is not to take any action at all. WAIT, he might be coming from a place of anger like you said, so let time cool him down.

It is to bad that he has this negative reinforcement person so close, there is always one. fI he's partying with new friends it means he is trying to establish a new identity outside the marriage, on the other hand leaving stuff at your home might mean he hasn't fully moved out, symbolically. however,he might not pick up his things because he might be trying to avoid a confrontation, feeling guilty, or was just plain busy.

Don't contact him but pick up if he calls to see if he gives you new information, do not defend yourself if you talk, take notes on what he says, if you bring up the letter just say it was confusing after your other talk and if he cares to clarify where he's at, you guys are married so he owes you an explanation, ONCE, again take notes, end with I understand and above all don't put any pressure, and believe me anything you ask will be felt like pressure.

I wish someone had told me this, if you are intense and impulsive, don't overreact, don't respond too emotionally, say you understand ,that you need time yourself and that you just don't want to rush into things.

Play for time and after this conversation go into NC, then ask for advise form the forum, this is the part I think I could help with what comes next ask the experts in this forum ,this site is great.

hang in there!

[Ionek]

Hello Everyone and SuperD this is my first post here so bear with me.

 

Me and my Ex were together for 1 1/2 years. We started living together about the same time we got together. She has a daughter that just turned 3 in december. Everything was going fine or so i thought then out of no where she tells me that its not going to work anymore. At first she said she didnt know why just that she fell out of love with me and she just wants to be friends right now because she is not ready to settle down. I of course was devasted at first i begged whined and cried to try and convince her to get back with me. Needless to say it didnt work. Everytime we talked it was about the relationship so it was really difficult for me to let go. I finally realized one day after reading some past posts that what i was doing was not only wrong but sad. We talk everynow and then but we never talk about us.

 

 

I went to go see her yesterday to pick up some of my stuff and she complemented me on the way i looked. We chit chated for about 30 min on random subjects but during the silence we would catch each other staring into each others eyes the way we use to when we first met. I love her very much and cant stand the idea of losing her I need help. What does it mean when she is always the one calling me and asking me how im doing?? I usually just either ignore her phonecalls or tell her im busy and will call her back. Is that the right thing to do?? Im keeping it LC for now but im wondering if that is a stupid thing to do? When i left today she gave me a very long and tight hug. She seemed genuinely happy to see me and talk to me.

 

What should i do?? I miss her and her daughter that i raised like my own for a year and a half. I AM CONFUSED.... Does she still want me or am i a fool??

 

 

She called me again later that day to ask me a question that she knows i didnt know the answer too and then sounded really reluctant to get off the phone with me, does this mean anything?

 

Ive tried NC but i couldnt do it becasue i miss the little one way too much. I know its sounds like an excuse but its hard to let go.

[alteer]

So glad I read that. I'm doing the NC thing at the moment and it is so hard. But I'm keeping strong. I just keep telling myself how much more I will love ME in the end. And hey....it's his loss......(this is what I tell myself. Not that I REALLY believe it at this point.) Positive self talk, positive self talk....that's my mantra..........

[youngmaturity]

hey dave ive been reading alot of these posts. all great stuff im in wow, like i shouldve realized this before it all sounds right. my gf recently broke up with me. i love her to death and she just sort of lost intrest i guess. we were hangin out and everything seemed fine. spent the day with her and a few of her friends. then the next day a friend tells me shes breaking up with me(this truly surprised me because we were both happy with eachother so i took it as a joke at first). so i sat for a day and a half thinking of why shes breaking up with me and i was stupid and came up with arguments. i still dont know what went wrong its been one week and im still devastated. i recently started NC but she keeps finding ways to contact me. i keep seeing signs of her wanting to be with me then she changes her mind and quikly reminds me that she only wants friendship. she told me that she misses me and misses talking to me its not the same. i wasnt with her for very long but this is the first person to ever make me happy so im trying to tread lightly and take things slowly, pretty much doing nothing. shel say hi ill say hi that about it. i know that she might be afraid of a relationship given her history, i even asked her if she thought we were going too fast and she said no. i am extremely confused and im not sure what to do. she keeps trying to get me to do something with her(hang out see a movie... etc) but idk if i want to or not yet even though im missing her alot already. ive never been happy my whole life, i was happy for once with her so i dont want to mess anything up. should i give up NC? she clearly wants to talk to me regularly and its been hard for me to even try. i know she felt something for me at one point in time. and i wish i knew why she did it. i asked her and she was really vauge about it and ended up saying she wasnt attracted to me (i dont want to call myself attractive or anything but i get alot of people checking me out) so i dont know what to think. things are hard for her at times family life, school things like that. im a year older than her(i just turned 16 she turned 15), and we dont go to the same school so i dont see her everyday. thats my story, im still a little emo so im sorry if its a bit fragmented. still clue less as ever and wondering will i get her back do i have a chance? or will we be friends, or will i be unable to be that only.

[lawandorder]

LOL. well put dave. but there is alot you left out of it. more detail. for example: how to do the NC rule. How to get over it. how to move on. how to have the mind set. what works. also if they didnt leave you for someone else how to then win them back if need be. but most important is how to get over this. I mean when you cant eat, sleep or think.

what to do. step by step instructions helps so much. People get through things of this nature. But there is the hard way and the less hard. none of its easy. But what to do. thats the key point and the winning answer is not always slapping people in the face.

 

But you have hit the nail on the head on what you did post. great post.

[SuperDave71]

Thank you lawandorder.

 

I tell ya what....I will create a step by step for you and post it with a couple of days if you would like.

 

 

Thank you again for the compliment. I appreciate it.

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

[rajorani]

i've been reading this post..

 

My boyfriend and i, or ex rather, had our 2nd year anniversary in march. Last september we moved in together.

 

At the beginning of the relationship he was very very commited, insanely devoted, nearly smothering at times. During that time i was overcoming my own issues of emotional unavailibility and uncertainty, but we worked through the problems together and then moved in together last September.

 

He started his MBA last september so i guess the pressure was on, stresses were increasing etc. He started acting distant, wasnt as loving or attentive. When he was good he was amazing, but when he wanted he could be extremely selfish. I came back to england in december to visit my family for the holidays for a month and during that time he seemed to have returned to his loving caring devoted self. After my return in january, things were good until about feb where he seemed to become distant again. I moved out hoping to prompt some change saying that maybe it would be easier to work on things if we werent in eachothers faces 24/7 and maybe the moving in was a little premature and was tugging on the relationship unnecessarily.

 

Then it began. Then he started to pour out all this crap about how he is unsure, and confused and how he had been feeling this way since we moved in but was just hoping it would go away and that he needed space. I'd give him a bit of space, but we'd still talk and i'd try to convince him that everything is going to be okay that he needs to stop worrying about ''whether or not it will work out'' and he would come around, start sobbing and begging for my forgiveness saying he had wronged me and that he hopes the space didnt ruin us. Then he'd ask to take me back, i'd come back and he'd go back to being confused and unsure.

 

This cycle continued until 2 weeks ago when he asked for space again and i came to england to see my family. We didn't talk for 2 weeks (the longest stint since our 2 year relationship) and he was absolutely distraught. We talked this past saturday and he was crying and saying he was sorry and all that ****, that he had cried himself to sleep many a nights, that he misses me and that he only sees me beside him in the future. Me being the fool i am, took him back a little, and then before you know it, hes confused again and unsure and scared because ''what if it doesnt work out''. he said hes scared because he doesnt know where his life is going,and he feels like despite wat i say, i'm going to want to move back to england( even tho my career and personal life clearly state that i will not)..i've insisted that's not the case.

 

So this past monday when the whole ''im confused'' bit came out, i todl him that i didnt have the patience to convince him it woulud be okay anymore. He asked for space but this time i'm fully going to give it to him. He said he wanted no contact and that we shud cut all ties. I told him not to bother coming back until he has had a consistent feeling one way or another for at least 1 month straight. I also told him that the sooner he figures his **** out the better, the longer he takes the worse it will be for our chances of reconciliation.

 

His primary concern is always whether or not i will date other people. When he asked, I told him that during this time i'm going to behave single because frankly, i am. I dont know if he will come back or not so i'm going to try and move on with my life but i have no potential suitors in mind or in line.

 

He apologized that it had to come to this, and said that he hoped this space would work and we could return back to normal and never have to deal with this type of problem again.

 

My issue rite now is, i told him i'm moving address and i have changed my fone number - he didn't ask me for my new contact information. Why the hell is he so confused? when i let go a little he goes crazy, when he gets his space he spends his days n nights crying and feeling miserable, yet when we get back together hes riddled with confusion about whether or not this is wat he wants. Maybe hes going through some type of ''quarter life crisis'' but i dont really know wat to expect anymore.

 

I'm coming back to Toronto next wednesday to resume summer school. He wont have my contact information , and insisted that i block him on msn, so i don't know when or how he will contact me.

 

In essense, i'm going stir crazy. I do understand this commitment phobia but i dont understand how getting space from eachother for an indefinate amount of time will help.

 

i've been reading this post..and now im starting to feel like during the time when the backand forth saga started, i might have done too much and this might already be out of control..i cried, screamed, begged, cursed, ..and the 3rd to last time it happened in april, i took an overdose.

 

But i was mentally wrangled at that time, i was so warped and the emotional tug of war he was playinig wtih me just took its toll. I live alone in toronto w ith no family so i just didn't know how to cope.

 

He did the same ''i wanna get back together'' bull * * * * a week after that happened, and then the same ''i dont know wat i want/ i want space/ im ocnfused'' * * * * a few days later when i came to england 2 weeks ago..

 

I'm making a big big NC effort this time, but i cant help but think that i've screwed it up for myself b/c of wat i did in the past..am i right? maybe i just drove him away

 

It's been 2 days of NC so far..and it was 2 weeks of NC last time, and its not the NC thats buggin me so much, but its the fact that i might have ruined it a while ago with the way i handled it

 

what do u think superdave

[lawandorder]

ya know, if everyone reads each post and each issue. in a strange way its all close to the same. now events are different. but as we all know deep down we want the ex back. other wise we would move on and not bother with this. the question we all need to look at is simple. what to do next and how to do it. NC is just part of it. and then like dave has said. Do nothing about getting them back or about any part of the ex. but what should we all do with ourselves and what really matters?? what is the thing that we just dont do for ourselves?? take the steps to find out and then to do it and we all would be home free. any takers on what to do???

[rajorani]

super dave?? did u read the first post i made at the end of page 98..i really really would like to know wat u think..im goin crazy over here

[youngmaturity]

likewise same page.