You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[coooolsome]

The reason I say she ruined it, is b/c it gives me hope. I dont want hope. She likes another guy, why the hell does she need to talk to me. I dont mind her calling me if she was single and wasnt pursuing anyone but as of now, she and this guy will soon start dating and I dont have anything to really talk to her about right now.

 

Plus it gets me thinking as to why she called and what she might be thinking. Anyway, I am going to continue NC b/c I feel better.

[gabodi]

Ok, so having NC and seeming indifferent worked for me like a charm with my last ex. This time, it may already be working. Like I said before, we just broke up Friday night. I haven't called at all, went out last night and had a good time, etc. She has already called me twice tonight. Once for 45 minutes (the longest that we've talked in a long time) and then again for 15. I acted a little indifferent both times. Is this a good sign that she's calling me already? As long as I don't do any of the calling and remain indifferent when I talk to her.

[hola]

Dave,

 

Thanks for your advice, you are making this tough time a lot easier for me. I really appreciate it.

 

Quick question: I stopped by my ex's today because I had a ton of mail piling up that I needed to get. We talked briefly, I told her I missed her, but other than that I felt the conversation went well. I was funny and "normal." It was the first time I had spoken to her since we decided to take a break on monday.

 

Tonight, I discovered this site and after reading your advice, I would like to institute NC, however I really should pick up some clothes, books, etc. from the apartment. Furthermore, she invited me to a Christmas party she is throwing in a couple weeks. So what do you think the best thing to do? Regarding my clothes should I just have her gather them up and drop them off at my place so that I can start the NC uninterrupted. Or should I go over and get the stuff and then resume? Any ideas?

 

In my last breakup I was a whiny *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED*, now I am resolved to be alpha male. I do not want to let her see me weak, and want to give her some time to decide on her own that whether she wants to continue a relationship with me. And I want to begin NC immediately.

 

Thanks again for your help.

[coooolsome]

Since you stopped by your ex already, why not go get your stuff. That way its a clean break and you wont get calls from her to get your stuff. Do that and then go NC. Oh and dont tell her you love her or miss her anymore. That just feeds her ego and knows you are waiting for her if her little world doesnt work out the way she wants. Dont go to her Christmas party, find another one to go to.

[OCD]

Long thread....sorry

Hi SuperD and all,

I'm going over the last real converstion that I had with my ex regarding her opening up to me and apologizing and how I let her know that her calls were starting to hurt. I tried to put down the words I told her back after Halloween and they went something like this

I hope you had a wonderful Halloween? Mine was very cool…how was yours? She says, Fine...

Thank you for the great conversation we had last week. It really answered many questions I've been having about us and what went wrong? After speaking to you, well nothing really went wrong...she goes into how the relationship was great and couldn't be better...blah blah..

I still care about you more than I think you know and I didn't want to be just a rebound relationship for you...She was pretty quit at this point, but was still upbeat and says that's not what she intended...

You became my best friend in the whole world and we had conversations that would rival any others. I do miss them…she says how she misses talking every night too and that she always felt like she could talk to me...

I am from the school of thought that you don't treat people you care about with disregard, though.

I understand your point that you needed space especially since you were married for 9 years, but I believe life is way too short as it is and that if you find something special in life you grab on to it with both hands and don't let go....she just went into how she might have jumped into our relationship and things were so good so fast, she never had a chance to stop it or take a break...

This is the point she asked if I'm seeing anyone...I said no coment, but then said I've dated other people I must say, but nothing serious. Just meeting new people, but I do have that shred of hope for us down the road...she said yeh I've been out but nothing much...

I must say though life has been amazing for me over the last couple of months…I won't get into it, but there are so many great things happening for me and I wish the same for you. I should thank you for my eating habits now though. I lost 18 pounds and work out 5 days a week and haven't touched a soda in 2 months; just water & tea man J I have so much more energy it's great and I have you to thank for that. Some things did rub off J She always wanted us to eat healthy, not that we didn't, but just eating better...that's one of the things I do now for myself, eat better...so she was happy to hear that and said that's great!

I'm glad we have this chance to talk and I appreciate you opening up to me because I never really got the chance to get my feelings out to you and I want you to know where I stand so there is no confusion on either of our parts. She says she totally agrees with what I'm saying and that it's nice to get somethings she's been thinking about out into the open...

I do believe that our relationship does deserve a second try, but of course that takes effort on both sides. If you're interested then we can talk about it and step slowly back into the water and iron out some of the small bumps we had. The key here is no pressure at all, just having fun like old times...She says that anything is possible and that she wouldn't rule anything out for the future...She even said that maybe when we're old we'll run into each other again, hahaha. I didn't want to wait until I'm old though, but she was just joking at that pointe...so I just played it off...

If you're not interested, then like I said before I wish nothing but good things for you and I take along with me many great memories that I'll never forget. I hope you can do the same. She again says that she agrees with everything I'm saying...

Then I go into how I hope you understand that if you want to hear from me again as a friend, I won't be so interested. The thing is I gave you my best shot and having us just be friends doesn't amount to our feelings we had in the relationship. That's how I feel and to be friends just doesn't compare…I hope you understand.....She never really gave me a straight answer on this one. We just went through small talk and the call ended with me saying take care of yourself and your son and I hope to hear from you again and also had a few laughs along the way....

 

So, after telling her these things I didn't expect to hear from her for a while because I opened up a little on what I was feeling, but I wasn't over board and kept the tone low and everything flowed between us, no tension at all. It was a really good call, I think I mentioned it on a few posts back....Well, I have received many calls from her since then...we spoke once when I asked her for coffee and she asked for a rain check...I was pretty hurt after that because I figured she'd want to meet me, she at least sounded like it, that's why I asked. So after feeling bad I went back NC. Of course I haven't told her why I'm doing NC, but I figured that she should see that I'm not waiting for her, etc. So then I got the 5 calls the week of Thanksgiving...didn't answer any of them...she did leave a message ( first one in over 3 months to call her back). I held strong and didn't. It's been a little over a week since that last call, but I'm feeling bad and hoping she's thinking about this conversation we had weeks ago. I just figured I'd share my story to get advice on what was right and wrong and perhaps help others out in case I did something wrong or right I'm hanging in there...Thanks guys.

 

OCD

[sibling295]

OCD- Things to avoid certain doom? Let go. Let go of it. And you have already jumped the gun. I know she was or is still important to you but sometimes we have to let go to move on. You sound like such a nice guy - believe me you will love again. keep smiling

[OCD]

Thanks Sib for the kind words about me...I am letting go I suppose. It's just slow because I keep going back to old feelings once in while. Are you saying not to answer her calls any more? I don't think I jumped the gun with the above conversation. This happened about a month ago and it came down to me letting her know where I stood. I'm sticking to NC for now, but will I ever pick up another call from her....? She does keep calling. I come here to vent so I don't call her or say things to her that would push her away. Thanks.

 

OCD

[hola]

Ok, quick update. I basically have left her alone now for a week. I did stop by to pick up mail after she called me and told me that I might have some bills I needed to pay. Fine conversation, no whining, I said I missed her, but I didn't tell her I wanted her back etc. She knows how I feel. So anyway, I didn't have my car with me and really have been dreading going over and having to grab all my stuff. Its not that I want to leave it there, its just well there is a lot. I feel like I will be there a while, and am really trying to just leave her alone. So I shot her a short email tonight, asking if she could collect my stuff in some suitcases and boxes so I could just come over and load it into the car. Nothing else. I know she hasn't read it yet b/c she works nights and wont be home until 2:00. This isn't what i am concerned about. Just updating.

 

Anyway, her brother has been in the army about a year. He loves it, she is proud of him, but obviously can't stand that he joined. She is constantly worried about him going to Iraq, which is understandable. So tonight she shoots me a text: XXX is going to Iraq thursday. She is probably going nuts. I don't know what to do. At this point I have done nothing. I am trying to do NC and give her a break. Our break up was not messy and I have a genuine belief that she needs some time to reevaluate things. We have been going out for a long time and I believe she is fearful of the future/committment/ marriage. It scares her to know that the guy she has been with for five years, since she was 18, might be the guy she winds up marrying. I understand where she is coming from. It sucks that I met her when she was so young, but I can't change that. Right now all I am doing is not trying to put any pressure on her. Dave, what do I do about this text. I want to be there for her, but I also want to give her space. HELP!!!!

[SuperDave71]

Hola,

 

Your making this complicated. E-mail her and tell her if she needs you to contact you and that you are sorry that her bother has to go. God Bless him !

 

Your upset in the fact that you feel you hope she turns to you for support and if she doesn't you may have to face a harsh reality. The only thing I would do at this point is to tell her if she needs anything to please let you know. Period. You are not being uncaring...you are being caring while looking out for you. You are broken up...this however does not mean you have to be cruel or harsh. Be genuine yet put this on her. Whatever she decides to do will be totally up to her. Good luck Hola!

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[OCD]

I need help SuperDave71...

My ex is having a surgery in a week or so...this has been planned for a while now. It seems like I'm coming to an end of my bid to get my ex back. After doing the NC thing, then talking, and now back to NC, I'm filled with emotions like I've failed. I'm sorry to sound so negative, but it'll be 4 months next week since the break. I don't think my ex thinks I feel this bad, I've 'acted' like life has been great and was all smiles. Deep down I'm hurting more than ever and I can't keep up this act forever. With Xmas parties coming up and wondering who she's going to take this year instead of me, with her surgery coming up, her birthday and Christmas, it's all coming to a close the hope I had to have a second chance with her. I've stayed so positive through this whole thing and really thought she'd come back. I'm having a very hard time right now letting her go. I would like to send her a card regarding her surgery to wish her well? Even though she doesn't really care how I feel, I think it would be a nice gesture. Perhaps it won't even matter to her now...I've had my ups and downs and with your support SuperDave71 and others I've done everything by the book and she just is not coming around, although she still calls. I hope she calls again soon.... I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Is there still hope? What else can I do? It just feels like I crossed a finish line in last place...

 

OCD

[abbett]

thanks for this wonderful post. i am there exactly right now. i had never heard of this NC no contact stuff. i mean, i guess it's out there - but for it to be on this site and so widely discussed, it's uplifting.

 

my partner of 6 years moved out - she wants space and time to figure out her feelings. a lot of things have happened in the past several months. and i think she saw things in me she has never liked but has overlooked. now it seems she isn't sure she wants to live with these things about me anymore. also, she is at a point in her life where she wants to go out, be more social, have her own friends, and her own activities. i am more of a homebound-relationship person. and we had a conflict there.

 

she has not wanted to live in the same house. we were arguing all the time. she tells me she needs space - and a lot of it - to sort through her feelings of wanting to stay and work things out vs wanting to leave. she has made comments, when i try to contact her to discuss how i feel, that she doesn't want to feel pushed in her journey. she wants to wait til after the holidays to look at things again and see where things are.

 

it's been hard to have no contact because like everyone else here, i am afraid she will forget about me and how special i am and want to move on. i found out today that she thinks of me, of us, of our life together and gets sad about it - so at least now i know that just because we are apart doesn't mean she is not thinking of me. why do we think that when being apart makes us think about our partners more not less.

 

anyway, she sent me a nice email today telling me why she needed the space and to give it to her would be the best thing. and i realized i have to respect that. i emailed her back and thanked her for her email and told her i was here for her, i love her, and if she needs anything to let me know. i let her know i respect her need for space and time. she emailed me back so thankful and said it was a comfort to hear me say that.

 

you have to respect their decision when they tell you to back off. i've seen it backfire with me and now i have to sit still and prove to myself i can do it and to her.

[OCD]

SuperDave71...are you around to give me your thoughts on my question from above? Thanks man.

Also, can you give me advice on what to do after you do NC for a period of time, like I've done, and then the ex starts calling like mine is doing?? How do you handle the phone calls after a period of NC...should you keep it friendly, I mean be their friend? If I still have feelings for her should I continue the dialogue or just stop talking all together if she doesn't want to work it out with me? I'm confused at this pointe...thank you sir.

 

OCD

[ocrob]

Dave, everything you have said is great and very smart. I do have a question for you. I made a post a while ago about what the goal is? Although it sounds like you are doing everything right, it does sound like you are doing it to get her back. Right now you are giving her space, but are you doing this in the hopes you will get back together? I am guessing you have control and are just playing things by ear with out expectation. I think you may be in a more advanced stage than some. If someone does NC witht he intention to get their ex back and then starts talking and giving them all the room they want, they are still trying to get them back. I screwed up during my friend stage, but the entire time I wanted her back. What if your ex starts seeing someone? Will you be ok with that? Your advice has been awesome, but just wanted to shed light on the fact that if one still has hope, then it is torture. My goal is to get over my ex. If she pops back into my life, I guess I will have to determine how I still feel about her and maybe just look at it the way I do when I date other women. If you can do it with out getting too attached, then it is ok. But, if you still want them back and they are not ready, then you are putting yourself back in the same situation. Not saying you are doing this, but it is something for others to be aware of.

 

Thanks,

 

Robert

[SuperDave71]

OCD,

 

I am here. With the fast approaching holiday season it DOES get more tough..You have NOT failed. Before some one attempts NC, you must keep in mind your intention. If you intension is to get BACK your ex....then keep focus on that. My personal approach was to no get her back...improve myself and move on. I never intended to even try. I made the common mistakes, and nothing was working UNTIL I LET GO...and I mean..TOTALLY let go. It was the hardest thing to do. It truly was.

 

OCD...I believe the season is getting to you. The excitment of Christmas and New years and the fear of someone taking your place.

 

 

***Important***

 

I want you to remember something....NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY

 

 

If she does get a date for New Years Eve....if she doesn't call you nor see you Christmas....know deep in your heart and believe she is thinking of you.

 

This is not a false statement....People do not realize that when 2 people love one another....and something happens...nothing can take the "TRUE" love you of their heart...the memories of happy times are forever burned into their thoughts.

 

 

I want YOU to make your decision. I want you to come back here and tell us exactly what your intensions are and I want you to listen to everyone that posts to your intensions....even if you do not think it is a good one....THINK ABOUT IT. It is better to cover ALL angles..rather than move to hastily based on your heart.

 

Think carefully....you just may get your Christmas miracle.

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[OCD]

Thank you SuperDave71,

As far as my intensions, I will stick to what my original plan, thought, and vision was....to get my ex back. That's exactly why I came to this forum in the first place and luckily found your thread and it has helped me through some very hard times. I feel like I've gone the distance and it's coming to an end and I'm sure that the fast approaching holidays are adding additional pressure on me and causing some of these bad feelings I've been having lately. My ex has continued to call me throughout the last 2 months...I haven't answered her last 5 calls because of some mixed signals I was getting from her. I decided to take a few steps back to give her a chance to miss me. So I suppose my question is do I continue this sort of 'friendship' with her even though I have such strong feelings for her still? Or do I continue with NC throughout the holidays? This is the hardest thing because I do want to hear from her and be with her during this time of year. Thanks for everything.

 

OCD

[AC874]

OCD,

 

I know how much you love this girl, for I am in the same position in you in this respect.

 

But the goal of "getting your ex back" is not a personally healthy goal. What happens if she doesnt come around? It's not a realistic or measurable goal.. it's all a game of chance and circumstance.

 

I think the only goal we need, is to try to move on and heal... if they come back, then god bless them. Otherwise, this is not what god has in store for us.

 

It pains me to see just how (and im no different) stuck on this girl. I really hope you will broke away from this.

 

 

Do you not feel like your going around in circles?

[OCD]

AC874, thanks for the reply...sometimes I do feel like I'm going in circles, but not really. My ex still calls me and has been for the last 2 months. Just up until about 2 weeks ago I stopped taking her calls (5 total calls in that time and one voice mail to call her back, which I didn't)...she hasn't tried to call since and I never call her, only twice in 4 months. I'm not sure if I gave off the wrong vibes by going back to NC, but I figured that I need to step back and let her know that I could possibly be out of her life for good...I hope she wakes up. First order of business is to heal myself and get my spine back. I need to be stronger and act like it doesn't matter if she comes or goes. It's hard when you love someone though. That is my goal to get her back, I don't know any other way to do this except taking the advice of SuperD and other great people here. I'm not sure if I should pick up the next call from her or continue NC until I'm totaly over her and not worried any more about who she's seeing or what she's doing? My problem is she has a surgery coming up, birthday, Christmas party, Christmas, and New Years....all of which we had a great time during all of those events last year. Christmas was a little shakey though last year...that's another story. So I'm not sure what to do...thanks.

 

OCD

[AC874]

OCD,

 

How can you get over somebody, when in your mind, your goal is to get back together with them.

 

Its counter-productive.

 

It sucks.. but is there any other alternative?

[Lil Punkin]

AC....I know this answer might not make much sense..but sometimes the only to get back with someone IS to get over them. Why? Well because truthfully in the midst of a 'breakup"....or whatever you cal i, many people simply are NOT thinking logically, and tend to bring out the worst in each other. Who wants to get back together under those conditions?? Many times people are able to reconcile after a period of time..when the "dust" settles and they are being more their "true" selves. Sometimes that can take a while...sometimes a couple months, sometimes longer.

 

I know for a FACT that I act MUCH differently around someone I am trying to impress, than someone I am comfortable and indifferent of their opinion to me. I am more relaxed, more calm and MUCH happier. Isn't that the kind of person YOU want ot be around? Well, it's no different with yor ex. This is the kind of person you MUST become again before any chance of "getting back together" can happen. Make sense?

[AC874]

Absolutely!

 

But you cant heal, and embark in a 100% intense journey of self-improvment, when your motivation is to get your ex back?

 

What happens if all else fails?

[OCD]

Hi all,

I just had the most unusuall phone call I've had in a while. My ex called me at about 11:30pm...I just had fallen asleep reading a magazine. I was half asleep and answered. As we went through the whole Hi how are you's....it became very apprent that there was more to this phone call. She actually seemed very interested in me. We talked about her upcoming surgery and how she's a little anxious about it, etc. I was very supportive the whole time....asked if she was alright. It's not a life threatening surgery, but I could tell she's a little nervous. So I was friendly and said that she'd be ok and everything will be fine. So we talked and caught up on stuff. It was going very well, like old times. So she asked how my Thanksgiving was and said that she called me....also why didn't I call her back? I just said I was pretty busy that weekend, etc. She said that she just went to a friends house because her son was with his Dad. So then we started talking about Christmas and what's going on. She then asked if I'm still seeing 'that girl'? I said what girl, you mean my friend from work? She says yeh....I said that's not my girlfriend and it's not like that, we just went to get a sandwhich together...she says it's not a consperacy theory is it? I said no why do you have a boy friend.....she says no...I then ask about her Xmas party and what's going on with that...She said that they just had it today, it was during the day and it was staff only this year. So I thought cool no date for her!! She says what about you? I say that I'm going to a party this weekend with a friend....Right then she goes, who! I said just a friend that I've been talking to...I said boy you sure are curious, or is it you think I'm full of it....she says you know me it's a little jealousy, curiosity, and bs. So throughout the whole phone call she wanted to know who this person was, etc...it was pretty funny. I just told her that I've been trying to heal and get over stuff. She says yeh I know...I'm probably where you were at in the beggining. I thought wow, what?! She says yeh, I've been thinking.......I said are you thinking about what I said about me having a hard time talking to you and that I can't really be friends because I want to heal and I still have feelings. She says yes I understand, that's where I'm at now. So I start smiling from ear to ear. She goes into that there's no one in her life and that she's been thinking about me....Never said she wanted to work it out though....but basically I could tell she misses me big time and wants to at least start talking again.

 

So we talk for about 2 hours....I tried to cut the call off several times, but she wanted to keep talking. She went into how she missed talking to me and that there isn't anyone in her life. I said I know we could always talk, I miss them too. So inbetween she'd ask what's that girl's name you're going with, what does she do, where did you meet her, blah blah... I could tell she was a little jealous. I said it someone that I've been talking to. She says did you sleep with her, she says I know you. I say what? No I'm not sleeping with her, I'm really just trying to get over stuff and heal. I still have some feelings there, she says yeh?

So she said that her son has been asking about me...thanks Lonelyfish for that one and Sib you were right I said that's great I think about him all the time, how's he doing......we chatted for a little while about him. Then.......we start getting into the good stuff! I said I've had flash backs about us latley....she says yeh? Me too! I said I know I had this craving for your enchiladas the other day and it was driving me nuts!! She goes that's funny I just made those yesterday and I had tons of left overs.....I said next time bring them over or drop them off at the door...we joked about that for a while. She then says yeh I drove by the place where we had our first lunch date...and I almost threw up because I had a flash back and it took me by surprise...I said I know those memories are burned into my mind forever...she says I know I have those thoughts ever once in a while too. I said yeh I miss your cookies you'd make and send to your Dad....so at this pointe we go over all kinds of good times we had together. She brought up some good ones....

 

So then I finally figured I'd better end this call, it's going way too good. She says I miss talking and it's been nice to hear you. I said well is it ok if I call you? Do you want to start talking again? She says sure just call my cell, I don't want my son to start asking questions...I said cool I understand. Then she said we'll go from there....I said I don't know how to end this call; she goes well me either, I'm thinking...she says I'd like to talk more but we both have to work tomorrow...I said I know we should go...good night it's been nice to hear from you. She says you too, take care, bye.

 

So what is my next move? I think the NC over the Thanksgiving weekend really got her thinking and she's by herself for the holiday like me and it's driving her nuts, I think. I said that I'd call her or that she could call me. So do I wait to hear from her? Or do I call, I know I know, just play it cool OCD. I don't want to rush into nothing, but there was some light at the end of this dark tunnel....Any thoughts or advice?? Thanks guys.

 

Thanks SuperDave71 for the positive vibe!

 

OCD

[sibling295]

OH MY GOD!!!! I WANT TO FRIGGIN DIE!!!!! I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO WRITE TO YOU OCD - I AM JUMPING FOR JOY AND CANT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!

I KNEW SHE WAS MISSING YOU, MY FRIEND, I KNEW IT!!!!!

Okay now let me calm down and everyone lets think clearly here. Maybe you should start a new thread. I AM SOOOOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU !!!!!!

[sibling295]

i cant even think ... i keep deleting advice ...... maybe i will sleep on it... start a new thread though for sure......

 

HEY GUESS WHAT ??? SHE GOT A CLUE!!!!!!

[lonelyfish]

OCD, this is great news, I'm so happy for you. Yes, I think you need to start a new thread and we can help you out. Whenever an ex comes back you have to be very cautious of both your feelings. But in your case I think you have to be super cautious knowing the fact that your ex's surgery is coming up and the holidays. I'm sure she really cares for you, and you doing N/C made her miss you but she's probably feeling very emotional right now with everything going on. You need to proceed with caution and go very slow - we don't want to see you get hurt again.

[SuperDave71]

OCD,

 

I wish you had a camera and post your SMILE that is STUCK on your face!!

Now, remember EVERYTHING that you have learned her. It is not over and you still have some "work" to do. What I would recommend to you is the following.

 

1. Let her call you .

 

2. Do not talk about the relationship unless she brings it up.

 

3. If she does bring it up, answer her questions honestly and don't dwell in the past too long.

 

4. BE YOURSELF!! YOU doing just fine.

 

 

TAKE THIS SLOWLY....REMEMBER YOUR GOAL!!!

 

You can do it....

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

 

 

SuperDave71