You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[SuperDave71]

Oldspice,

 

Don't go back to the way you were....grow from this.

 

 

You can do it. Become who you were born to me!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[watermelon]

 

 

I have been looking at this website and some of the forums on it for a while and would love some help. My boyfriend of almost 2 years and i broke up a month ago, wed been on off a couple of weeks before that so although i was sort of expecting the final split it still cut me hard. HIs reasons were varied he felt that being in a relationship ment that he was restricted in what he could do, which i would never do, he could always do what he wanted- boys nights etc i didnt mind i trusted him with my life. I also used to cry a lot and I know men hate it but he was my boyfriend and the person i trusted most so would talk to him about stuff that upset. Initally after the spliot (btw we are at uni together) i begged etc cried called texted emailer- nightmare! we went for dinner just over a week later and it was amazing an i thought it was going somewhere but apparently not. so i tried to pull myself together i decieded that even though i wanted him back the best place to do that was if i became ok and strong so i started seeing a counsellor. however one night he booty called me and i caved, that left me feeling crushe so i finally plucked up courage to stop contacting him, which was so hard but every day left me feeling empowered. he nver called. however i have bumped into him thursday sunday and last night. he always comes and talks to me and i never go over to him, last night he walked me home the conversation was quite flirty except he told me that there was rumours he had been flirting with this girl, that was strange. then ant at my house he kept hugging me for a long time, holding my hand kissing me on the cheek, he tried to kiss me properly i wouldnt let him, i left feeling on an up. but havent heard since. i dont know where i stand nor what to do, i cant really not bump into him as we have many mutual friends, but i relaly want him back but feel so weak.HELP!

[Dazednconfused50]

Hey Dave, I just found this sight about three weeks ago and have been readin your threads from as far back as this sight of threads goes!

Last winter I found the woman of my dreams, I say that because I know it is true!

I will say that, I am a lilttle older than you and have been in love before!

When that relationship ended ( her choice) I did just walk away! Very Very hard.

Went on a binge but never looked back! I knew that it was over! Regrouped after about three months, the pain was definitely still there but what do you do?

( nothing) there is nothing that you can do!

Just move on! reflect and try not to make the same mistakes!

Since then I decided that falling in love completely was fool hardy at best!

Have had 2 relationships since then but would not give them all of my heart! I did love them but not the way that I could have, they both loved me and wanted to be with me and wanted me to give them what they were giving me!

But I just couldn't!

 

Now as I said I met someone last winter! I watched her for nearly two weeks! ( not stocking!) she was in the same bowling league as me!

So I watched from afar and just watched her demeanor and the way she talked with others and well you know what I mean! But something inside told me that we would be good together!

we finally bowled together and come to find out she was watching me also! So we ended going out! ( Amazing to say the least!) When we kissed good night we both knew we were in trouble !

 

Now the delema!

She had just come out of a really bad sitch. about a year earlier as I had!

I was intregued by this woman but at the time not in love!

I have certain things that I will and won't accept in a partner!

Here's the kicker!

One morning after she had spent the night and was getting ready for work. I was watching her get ready and it hit me!! I was in love with her and I knew this because I was looking at her and at that momment I knew that I could accept her with all her fauts no matter what! unconditionaly, she could be a stark raving B and I would still feel the same! I at that momment gave her something that I have never truly givin any other woman! My whole heart!

The bad part? It had only been two months, but as old as I am! I knew!

The hard part for me is I did not know how to handle 2 things! I have never felt this way before, I was taking her away once a month and all was very romantic and she was saying all the things that new couples say, but I was doing it a whole lot more! And as I didn't realize tha more I said it and she didn't, fear creeped in and I started to panic! just because I was that deeply in love I foregot that not all people fall the same! so I started doing things that almost seemed obsessive! We were texting all the time and seeing each other as much as her time would allow, but would always be saying things like the way I was wouldn't last, and I would hear all the things that she never got from others and would make sure that I gave those things to her! Big mistake!! not because she didn't deserve them but because if you go through your whole life not getting certain things and then get showered wit them, you tend to freak out and run! which she did! about every two months

she would say things like I cant handle this, its almost obsessive the way I do things, or that she doesn't know how to make this all work ( she leads a very busy life and I am just another spoke she felt she needed to tend to and

was to stressful!

 

I would chase and beg and plead and try to talk sense to her about it, All the things that I have never and would never do! up until now evidently! But after about a week she would come back! now most would say that it was out of quilt! But the It was about the passion and the way I make her feel in bed, the rest was just moving way too fast and I know neither of us knew how to handle it! I see that I didn't and or what I was doing til I read your threads! We were broke up for almost a month, I did nc and she would text me about every 4 or 5 days and see how I was doing! I would keep it short and not talk about us! two days before we were supposed to go to mexico she texted me and asked if I would still go and we would work it all out there! I said yes with high hopes of course! I mean who would ask you to go there if they didn't want you right?

 

 

Was the most sexual and fun time right up till the morning we left! she was all for making it all work and was telling me how much she loved me! which I know she does! but woke up and said all the same( I don't know how to make this work and that she wasn't sure if she was ) ( In love with me) and treated me like a stranger that she didn't even know the day we were leaving! I fealt like I was brought there for sex and all the rest was BS!

 

She says good-bye at the airport with not even so much as an I'm sorry and just turns and walks away! ( I am devistated) I go home wait a couple days and send her this: just wanted to let you know that all you said was true and correct, and the more I think about it not only do I hear you about not wanting a relationship, I truly dont think I was ready for one either. I may desire you but I do not need you to make me happy, nor I you! And I am o.k. with this not working out! though I wanted it to, but sometimes, you know? I will not contact you again just wanted you to know that I agree with all you said and was foolish of me and that this was all my undoing.

 

Wasn't long after I wrote that that she contacted me, mostly to say she was sorry!

I premted with this!

You know I am not apposed to just having a sexual thing with you until we find some1 else ( of course I did not use the word sexual)

I got a return text that said she was totaly not apposed to that!

 

Here's the weird part! ever since I sent that letter and then brought the F buddy thing up! Not only has she been over for just that, And I let her leave without asking when will I see her again! That I agreed to leave all up to her! As I have gone back to the way I was before I had met her with my mind set!

But now she texts me every day, first thing in the morning, in the afternoon and evemings! It's like we are still together, but now she feels no pressure to devede her time with work her home and children and me and my home!

just when she wants to and I lay no expectationn on her for anything!

I know we were moving way to fast and as I have never really dated, just have lived with women, never just dated with separate residences, is very different and hard for me! I have no hopes that we will eventualy end up together again, but am more optomistic that If I keep it this way and as time passes she will have her life in better control and what she is dealing with in general and we will be where we both said we wanted this all to go , just at a much slower pace, and I have and will not say the L word to her again until I hear that and that she wants us back together in that way! then I will no that it is real! any thoughts as to this long long story, and trust me it is longer than this a lot has been left out! But mostly wanted to thank you for your threads they put me back into perspective and let me find me far more quickly than I thought I would be able too! THANKS!!

[SuperDave71]

Dazed,

 

How are you doing out there?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[LauraNYC]

Regarding Dazed's post...if you're a Seinfeld fan:

 

*Pendant publishing. Elaine is at Lippman's office.*

 

Lippman: And, anyway I was just reading your final edit, um, there seems to be an inordinate number of exclamation points.

 

Elaine: Well, I felt that the writing lacked certain emotion and intensity.

 

Lippman: Oh, "It was damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!"

 

Elaine: Right, well...

 

Lippman: You put exclamation point after sweatshirt?

 

Elaine: That's that's correct, I-I felt that the character doesn't like to be ch-ch-chilly...

 

Lippman: I see, "I pulled the lever on the machine, but the Clark bar didn't come out!" Exclamation point?

 

Elaine: Well, yeah, you know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters in to machine and then *prrt* nothing comes out...

 

Lippman: Get rid of the exclamation points...

 

Elaine: Ok, ok ok ...

 

Lippman: I hate exclamation points...

 

Elaine: ...ok I'll just....

[Veroni]

I dont think I could respect myself if I tried to contact my ex. I told him honestly how I felt and I didnt beat around the bush. If I contact him, its like Im saying...."Go ahead, Walk all over me. I like it!"

[MNmike]

Hey Dave.

 

Ex and I were in long distance for a year, together for almost five.

We broke up in 05 because she said she felt like I didn't care enough about her. I didn't show her. I had no idea she felt that way, never told me what she needed. I went NC for a month, and we started hanging out again. After a few months she started gettign closer. Then we had a fight one night (Aug 05), I was done and said it. Went home the next moring she called, apologized, brought me flowers, and we got closer and were back together by late fall that year. Everything was great. We went to Japan in Feb 06, and Germany last Dec for 2 weeks. Eevrything was great. Better than ever.

Well she broke up with me again last month, mainly due to she felt like I didn't care enough for her, again. I didn't move when she asked me too, (Aug 06). She went to grad school 500 miles away, and possibly never back here. So we did long distance for a year. We made no plans, I didn't tell her I would move. But always felt that I would. We were just winging it, which was stupid.

She said she asked me to move and it was not her place to ask again. She was waiting for me to make a move. Also she said I didn't tell her how I feel enough. I am not good at that, and I am not the mushy type. But always loved being with her. Just was afraid to make that step and go to be with her. She said it will never work again, she gave it a chance last time. And we are both not good at talking about feelings so we are not compatible. Also found out she sarted seing someone a week later. A friend from work. She does not know I know though. And she has not told me.

 

I feel like I truley have not told her how strong my feelings are, and always were. I'd move anywhere, I didn't know once again she was feeling sad, never told me. What do I do? Is it just a lost cause, we had the same problems cause a break up again. Lack of communication on both our parts. Last night she said next time she was in MN she would call me and we could then see each other. And I'm great, sweet and kind, and she misses me. Also that we spent a large part of our lives together, and it would be weird to never see eachother again. But for now its best we not see or talk to eachother. So the old "let be friends" in the future.

 

Everthing has happened over the phone. Not a whole lot of talking.

 

Just go NC, I feel like she needs to know some things I never told her. Or would it just be waisting my time. I love her, and would be more than willing to work on the problems we had. We never fought, always had fun, loved seeing eachother. The distance just started to wear at the relationship, causing problems, not enough time together. Now I feel like she's gone forever.

Do I once and for all let her know how I feel, and then just let it be?

[v-neck]

This is a great post, but i believe people can become TOO strong post-breakup after they get over-it, especially when it's time to meet new people. What i mean is you have many jaded and disruptive personalitys post-breakup that when you meet someone new and start dating, they may have flashbacks of similar happenings and their strong and protective instincts from the past kick in either causing the other person to feel rejected or confused.

Really the best way I can describe it is like in Star Wars. You have the good and dark side, both posses strengths but one chooses to use it for bad and the other for good. Now i'm not saying you are going to Darth Vader the next relationship, but you may take some anger and resentment into it when something similar from the past which happened during the relationship /break-up, and that my friends is where the good strength needs to kick in.

[NCspecV81]

I'm in a position where my ex and I were together for 7 years and recently broke up 4 months ago. She said that she needed her space and to figure out what she wants. She said she loves me but is not in love with me, but when we are together its great. Get her outside of my presense and another beast totally takes over shoveling me to the side and giving all her attention to another guy or guys. I've tried NC here recently after I read the wealth of information in hopes of maybe getting her back, but now I question if that is going to happen even with NC. We have never went more than a few days without talking, in fact, when I tried NC here recently it was for 2 days which has been the longest in nearly 8 years that we have not spoken. I was recently at her house for Christmas and she said "I'm her best friend and I love you", and when we went to see the large display of christmas lights here she actually cried to me for the first time ever about "us". Her mom even encouraged me to ignore her and make her jealous. That was the last day I spent with her almost a week ago and it leaves me questioning why if she has so much here with me being her best friend that she loves and getting that love in return why this nightmare is continuing. It's been nearly 4months since she broke it off and I feel like I'm still on day #1 with me continously crying and questioning everything that I live for. In fact the last day I was there she kissed me good night after we had snuggled in the bed watching a movie. =o( This was that same Christmas night. Now for the past couple of days she's been exclusively seeing another guy and it tears me up inside.

 

This thread has actually inspired me to work on myself and I'm doing so with a regimine of dieting, exercise, and focusing on the things I like, but it feels like its no where near enough as I find myself searching for the love I lost. I've got another girl that's interested in spending time with me, but its just not the same. I can't, without guilt, go out with her knowing I'm going to be thinking of someone else constantly.

[kim1]

I was devastated on 12/19 when the guy who I have been seeing for 6 months finally admitted that he was seeing other people. He had told me a few months previously that he wanted to see other people because he was afraid I might hurt him and said he could never let anyone hurt him again after a difficult divorce. When he said that I was devastated but I guess in denial. Everything seemed the same and we were taking it slow. Right after Thanksgiving I noticed the pattern had changed and I kept trying to address it. He would say stop or that I was being silly or making a big deal out of nothing etc etc etc. Finally I told him it made me uncomfortable that he is texting other women and thats when he said he is seeing other people. I hung up the phone on him devastated and didn't speak to him for 11 days. On 12/30 he made contact. I responded by saying that I had gone out of town to visit my sister. He started calling me and texting me and I finally answered after a few days. I told him I am not happy with the situation that he is seeing other people and this is not what I want. He still wants to see me on a regular basis but he will be dating other people. I asked him if he would be ok not seeing me for a while while I focus on my career due to recent job loss and maybe after that we could see each other. Now he is not happy about this at all and thinks I will be taking a big risk if I decide to do that. He said he is not going to sit around at home until I become employed again. He is very upset that I hung up the phone on him but he hurt me so bad when he said that. I feel like if I decide to not see him while I get my life together his ego will not allow him to see me again. Because it is on my terms. Its like he can't do things unless they are his terms. He admits that he is an egomaniac. Please Help I am worried because its only been 6 months and he is not in love with me or anything like that so I feel that he will easily forget me. I am trying not to screw it up if our relationship has a chance

[dabbledave]

Great thread. (bump)

 

This thread has helped a lot, however I started NC two days ago and just now broke it with a text. " always thinking about you. Hope everything is great with you

 

The smiley is a nod to keeping it light, however i only sent the text in a moment of weakness (one or two beers too many).

 

My advice to anyone trying to go NC is stay off the drink.

 

D

[SuperDave71]

Thank you Dabbledave.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[whyte out]

i have one for you Dave, i need all the help I can get..

 

I'm 20, my ex is 19...we broke up 3 days ago, in September she gave birth to my beauitiful son, it was a mutual thing you know, not a mistake. Then just last week we got engaged. Then out of no where she breaks up with me and starts going out with another guy...

 

I've been reading posts on here and other sites that say NC AT ALL...and i've been considering it, but how would i keep the NC "rule" while still wanting to see my son (which she says I can do)

[SweetSmilingYeti]

How come he is so happy and I'm so miserable?!?

[SuperDave71]

SweetSmiling...

 

You need to focus on you. You can only change you and worrying about something that doesn't concern you right now is a waste of time and energy.

 

 

You can do it...

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[tru8lue]

SuperDave,

 

I just broke up with my g/f of a little over a year. It was a very unhealthy relationship, but it was great at the same time. About a 50/50 mix. We would argue alot, belittle each others opinions, there was selfishness on her part, insecurities on my part, etc. I have been thinking the past few days on how this relationship would have worked if so much baggage was not brought into the relationship by both of us. It was the perfect recipe to ruin something that could have been great.

 

Our relationship was ended very immaturely by her over a text message (she is 26 by the way, i'm 27). This infuriated me and then I became immature and blew off my lid. Many insults where exchanged and that particular day i was sure that we would hate each other forever.

 

I love this girl a lot and didn't mean many of the things I said. Some of the things that both of us said had nothing to do with our relationship (insults to our appearance, etc).

 

I am bitter that this relationship didn't work out because there was extreme potential. I am also bitter that she didn't follow through on my suggestion that we both attend couples and individual counseling together. It made me think that she didn't care about this relationship as much as I did. Many of our common friends where envious of us, how we had so much in common, love to do all the same things, had same style of clothing, list goes on....

 

This relationship would have been over 6 months ago if it weren't for myself pushing so hard. Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake.

 

I have read your posts on just focusing on myself for now, not worry about what she is doing, etc. I find myself obsessively seeing who she is leaving comments on whos myspace/facebook page on a daily basis. It's hard to stay with NC, she recently came down with the Mono and wish I could be there for her, but at the same time i'm angry and don't want to be around her.

 

We had a wonderful platonic relationship before the romance started. I really miss those days and I never wanted to lose her completely. Deep down, I would like another shot at a romantic relationship with her AFTER working on myself and fixing the things about myself that I new contributed to the demise of this relationship, yet I know that I should move forward with my life without expecting any of that.

 

When would be a good time to break NC? I know that I definitely want to be friends with her at some point, but how long do I wait? Any suggestions on how to do it? I wouldn't push romance again, I would just let nature take its course if we where to become friends again.

 

It's so hard...I have been really down...depressed...grieving...etc...I find that I have to go out every single day to avoid being alone with my emotions. If I stay in, all i do is sleeping all day to try and escape the reality. This is only day 4 of NC...but this thread has made it a little easier after reading about everyones experiences.

 

One other thing...unfortunately I will definitely run into this girl again without a doubt after she recovers from the Mono (after about a month at least). All our friends are pretty much in the same circle. I don't want to stop hanging out with our mutual friends or doing activities with them, but seeing her would be torture and depressing. What do you reccomend?

[joed]

Here’s where it’s at. My gf split up with me 4 months ago now. She at first refused to discuss anything about the relationship because it hurt her. I think we’ve got to the point now where the issue for her is that she never felt good enough for me and she said last week, we talked about the relationship for the first time really, even if we were together it would still be in her head(the feeling she’s not good enough). I have been very undeserving of her love in the past but we’d got to a point where, by her own admission, things were ‘better’. We’ve been together 17 years BTW. Without going into too much detail I could sum my ‘crime’ up as completely taking her love for granted coupled with not putting as much into the relationship as she did, I can see that now and I’ve addressed those issues. The talk is of us remaining friends, suggested by us both, but from my perspective my ulterior motive is as friends we maintain contact, foot in the door, who knows. At each stage I feel I get more ‘clues’, or opportunities to try a different approach. If I can convince her I could make her feel she is good enough for me. If I can get her to understand that feelings come from thoughts and we are capable of controlling our thoughts and so feelings too. At the same time I have to remain mindful that she’s told me she feels she has to move on and she still feels she's made the right decision and although she’d “really like to be friends, it needs to be baby steps”. All I’m trying to do at the moment is get her to come out for a ‘date’, but she keeps refusing, as she’s still hurting, the split was hard on her too. I always believe I can change the outcome positively through talk, last week was a revelation in that I was finally able to grasp the issue. There are so many things I’d like to ask her e.g. we split up in 1993, my doing, and she welcomed me back with open arms after 6 months, yet she must’ve felt much more insecure then. She said last week it was “somebody else’s turn”, she’d had hers. How do I get this back? I tried NC back in November for a month, and although I felt she ‘fished’ as to what I was up to when I re-established contact to collect things from her house, she was adamant that she didn’t see me in her future. No discussion of the relationship at that point. I find it so hard because I know where I’ve gone wrong, or should I say where I could’ve gone more right and I know we could have the best thing ever. We had so much good in the relationship and it was the best it’d ever been in many respects. You learn a lot about each other in 17 years. Yesterday I thought of an analogy, which I wouldn’t tell her, there was her, me and our relationship(the baby). She did most of the carrying of the relationship for most of the time but I had been making more and more input and it was thriving. Then she decided she didn’t want the relationship anymore when it was finally really blooming. Now I feel I’m doing the carrying on my own and ‘the baby’ is becoming weaker and weaker and asking why. Why no more effort. And I feel that if I can just say something to change things, just one word, it’ll start to perk up and thrive once more. Hurt, confused and slightly further forward in understanding that 4 months ago regarding the real issue but what do I do? Still try to reason while we stay in contact, try the ‘one word’ theory. Try to forget her completely and tell her I can’t be her friend. Try longer NC, 6 months, a year. My mantra…. There has to be a way! I’ve done so much research into relationship theory/psychology, everything from ‘loving 100%’ to complete NC to always maintain some contact if possible. My heart goes out to you all......

[Scatt-Man]

gday buddy, im just going through everything you have written... i just got out of hospital yesterday because i thought it would make her feel sorry for me........ i wish i knew of this chat board before then, I JUST WANT HER BACK SO BAD. B ut i now know it wont happen, see she is with my best m8, but right up until last week was telling me she loves me, cares about me, and it was good for 2 weeks and now its all bad again.....Sorry im rambling i just wanted to say thank u for your type up on how to avoid doom as i said i wish i had of known this weeks ago......p.s how do i deal with the fact she still wants to be my friend...... we have a kid

[thekid55]

You can not do anything to get her back. You must improve yourself and work with your child appropriately!!!

[Scatt-Man]

i know i cant get her back... it was just how i felt at the time of what i did.... i kinda hoped that she would come runnin to be by my side....but as it was posted in ur original post, u cant do this it back fires and it did hard... as i said b4 i wish i had of known about this website about 2 mnths ago

[thekid55]

I know what you mean my friend! I found this website about a month after my breakup. After I made all the classic mistakes! If I would have let everything settle, I would have healed so much quicker! It is never too late though my friend. Start today.

[babysunshine]

Hi Im new here! Had Been in a relationship for four years, the last two which have been long distance. After he moved away (his career) instead of taking care of myself, progressing, and doing the things I should have done.... I literally let myself go. I grew bitter, pressured him to let me move out where he was constantly (knowing that I could not due to his inability to know when he was moving next and my need to finish graduate school), and gained weight. So basically physically and mentally let myself go. We argued constantly and finally on our four year anniverassary he told me he wasn't coming out here and that it was over. He said the classic "I love you but Im not in love with you". Of course I am devastated and told him I would change myself around not just for him but for me of course. get therapy, work out, focus on school more... he said he was proud of me for doing these things but that right now he just doesnt want to be in any relationship. I asked him if once I get myself back could we try again and he said he doesnt want me to have false hope and he cant predict the future. I truly feellike he is the man for me. What do I do??? Please help.

[Godfather]

Hi babysunshine! Well for now you should really go NC, work on yourself, have a good time with your friends, simply try to have fun, get busy and try to not let yourself have a single spare minute for thoughts about him! Its hard, I know. My ex left me only a month and a half ago. I was devastated, but after making all the mistakes I decided to go NC, exercise, make myself better, get her out of my mind. Not to get her back (if it happens great, if not its still cant be worst than this), but to better myself. Try to do something like that! If it is working for me, it could work for everyone. You will still think about him every day, but not constantly. Eventually you may still love him but you will feel better about yourself. And we all love ourselves the most, dont we?

[HoTung]

Hi, (Sorry this is a very long post)

 

I am new here, but i have done all the wrong things.

 

My ex and I broke up in Jan after a awfull Xmas, his family were here and I never felt accepted. I was never invited out with them and that hurt. He said i was not understanding as its the first family xmas they had in years. It was also my 1st with him as last year he went skiing. He said he saw a different side to me during this time and broke it off. Prior to this we have talked about marriage, kids, moving to oz.

 

We had a massive argument when we went Ice Skating and he left me there. The signs were there. I didn;t hear from him in 2 days. When i texted him he said he been sick and woudl call to talk. In the end I called him and he said he thinks we not right and wants to break up and i said u going to break up with on the phone. In the end we agreed to meet over the weekend to talk and think things thru. He called during the week and he said he missed me and all that. So that weekend i went to see him and as he was sick we didn;t mention us. I made him some food and left and he hugged me really hard.

 

The following week we met up and he said he thinks it better we break up and that he doens; t want to waste my time. No point going out for another 2 years and then breaking up with me. He is 30 and I am 36. I kind of knew it was going to happen. But then one thing led to another and we ended up in bed. I said lets give it another chance and he agreed. He then fell asleep and when i work up i said "you don;t have to stay if u don;t want to" (hoping he would say he would stay) and then he said he was all confused and he came to break up with me but now in bed with me. He said his heart is not in it anymore. There were tears ( i have never seen him cry) and i drove him home and picked up my stuff. I wrote him a letter the night before not knowing the outcome and basically told him how much i had missed him. That night, he sent me a text saying " sorry for not being able to bethe boyfriend you wanted me to be" and I replied " you were more the the boyfriend i wanted" and i began to blame myself. I said everything was my fault, if my temper wasn;t so bad he wouldn't have left me. I never felt he cared or showed his affections.

 

That first week, he called me mid week ( i didn;t answer), he sent me a text on the friday ( i didn;t reply) and then the sunday he wrote me a long email explaining why he broke it off with me. I got angry and called him the next day, saying tehre was no need to reitarate the break up, why is he doing this? cos of guilt? we ended admitting we were missing each other but decided we give each other a break. We ended up getting intimate on the phone. Two days later he emailed me to say hi but i didn;t reply.

 

Then a week later i called him and he was different and he said we agreed to have NC. I was really hurt. The a couple of days later he called me as it was Chinese new year and i was like " why are u callng me?" So basically we kept talking to each other - at least once a week since the breakup. Each time i would tell him i missed him or loved him or asked him why he broke up with me. Each time my emotions were up and down as he admitted he missed me and cared. But i guess he just doesn;t care enough.

 

We arranged to meet up and he said i was hostile towards him but i just said its feels like he is over our realtionship and it never meant anything to him. He said he missed me and one thing led to another we endede up in bed again. I didn;t stay the night. The next day i felt rubbish and called him saying how could he do that to me. I lost my respect. he said it was a moment of weakness and woudn;t happen again.

 

The week after was my birthday and he found out from friends i had a party and initially i didn;t invite him but in the end i said u can come and he did. My female friends gave him a hard time and i think he felt weird. The next day was my actual birthday and he took me out to dinner and bought me flowers. Actually went to a posh restaurant. I drove him home and didn;t get outthe car but we had a proper kiss.

 

The following week he was off to the states for work and was going away for 3 weeks. So during the week i called and wanted to meet up - i told him i missed him so so much, nearly begging and we ended up kissing in the car. I offered to go back with him and he said he couldnt; do that to me. We spoken on Thursday, friday every night. He'd call to say good night ( like we used to when we were dating). On sat i called him and said iw anted to see him and he said yeah. We got a video and then one thing led to another. We agreed to have 3 weeks of No contact while he was away to see how we felt and i guess i lived on false hope.

 

We kept to our words and had no contact. When he called after he got back, he was all friendly with me, but deep down i knew nothing had changed. He called me that night to say good night and i asked him out right and said "so what's ur decision?" He said he did miss me but not enough to have a lasting relationship with me. I got really angry and upset. i said u never had any intention of getting back with me, but u led me on to think we had a chance. I lost my respect and dignity. he goes we can be friends. I said no we said that befroe and we couldn;t. I am not going to friends with benefits. i said you can blame moment of weakness once but its happened more than once. I was truly hurt. He said its late and he can;t talk and nothing is going in and he'd call me later in the week.

 

The following day I called him ( this was April 1st 2008) and i just had a go at him ( i know its the wrong thing to do - i know i am part to blame) I was just so angry. I told him exactly how i felt and hurt i was and how i think he used me. He assured me he didn;t use me for sex but it meant something. I asked him why he wanted me in his life so much as a frined - he said cos we spent 14 months together and it would be a shame and i was his most important person during that time ( he has never said this before - i am the one who says this). He goes i will call u late in the week and if u don;t want to talk to me - u don;t have to pick up. This was the last day i actually spoke to him.

 

He called on the sat but i didn;t pick up. He left a voice message saying he would call next week. The following week, he sent an email, saying he is going to give me my space as he knows i donl;t want anything to do with him at the moment. He hopes one day i can forgive him fro breaking my heart and sorry for spending time with me before he went away and it wasn;t just for physical reasons. He cares and always will. (this was from april 10)

 

That was the last i heard from him. I am still hurting. When i fall in love I fall 150% and it hurts.

 

I find myself checking his facebook profile and if he is on line i wonder if he checks mine. I honestly don;t know what the right thing to do is. Of course i want him to call me but it doens;t do me any favours.

 

He brokeup with me but he constantly calls me - I donlt get it. he is being selfish and not letting me go either but i think he has got the message now butthat hurts

 

This Sunday, I heard from a friend of a friend who works with him, that he is enjoying single life and having fun - that really hurt. Makes me think he is fine without me. There is me feeling guilty if i even look at another guy.

 

I just don't know what to do - its driving me insane. Is he over me? Should i reply? I feel so useless

 

N.B When he came back from the states he told me he not even looked at another woman the whole time we have broken up.

 

N.N.B He also said in the last phone call "why do i have to be so black and white?" - i said i have been in a grey area for 2.5 months and its unfair. I felt like i was still his Girlfriend but without the tag, we'd still talk on phone,, meet up and have sex. It just hurts. I want to believe him when he says it does mean something but honestly how am i meant to feel.

 

He doesn;t love me anymore does he? Why does he want me in his life so much?

[HoTung]

Super dave - I am new here - please can you read my last post and advise.