Dazednconfused50

Hey Dave, I just found this sight about three weeks ago and have been readin your threads from as far back as this sight of threads goes! Last winter I found the woman of my dreams, I say that because I know it is true! I will say that, I am a lilttle older than you and have been in love before! When that relationship ended ( her choice) I did just walk away! Very Very hard. Went on a binge but never looked back! I knew that it was over! Regrouped after about three months, the pain was definitely still there but what do you do? ( nothing) there is nothing that you can do! Just move on! reflect and try not to make the same mistakes! Since then I decided that falling in love completely was fool hardy at best! Have had 2 relationships since then but would not give them all of my heart! I did love them but not the way that I could have, they both loved me and wanted to be with me and wanted me to give them what they were giving me! But I just couldn't! Now as I said I met someone last winter! I watched her for nearly two weeks! ( not stocking!) she was in the same bowling league as me! So I watched from afar and just watched her demeanor and the way she talked with others and well you know what I mean! But something inside told me that we would be good together! we finally bowled together and come to find out she was watching me also! So we ended going out! ( Amazing to say the least!) When we kissed good night we both knew we were in trouble ! Now the delema! She had just come out of a really bad sitch. about a year earlier as I had! I was intregued by this woman but at the time not in love! I have certain things that I will and won't accept in a partner! Here's the kicker! One morning after she had spent the night and was getting ready for work. I was watching her get ready and it hit me!! I was in love with her and I knew this because I was looking at her and at that momment I knew that I could accept her with all her fauts no matter what! unconditionaly, she could be a stark raving B and I would still feel the same! I at that momment gave her something that I have never truly givin any other woman! My whole heart! The bad part? It had only been two months, but as old as I am! I knew! The hard part for me is I did not know how to handle 2 things! I have never felt this way before, I was taking her away once a month and all was very romantic and she was saying all the things that new couples say, but I was doing it a whole lot more! And as I didn't realize tha more I said it and she didn't, fear creeped in and I started to panic! just because I was that deeply in love I foregot that not all people fall the same! so I started doing things that almost seemed obsessive! We were texting all the time and seeing each other as much as her time would allow, but would always be saying things like the way I was wouldn't last, and I would hear all the things that she never got from others and would make sure that I gave those things to her! Big mistake!! not because she didn't deserve them but because if you go through your whole life not getting certain things and then get showered wit them, you tend to freak out and run! which she did! about every two months she would say things like I cant handle this, its almost obsessive the way I do things, or that she doesn't know how to make this all work ( she leads a very busy life and I am just another spoke she felt she needed to tend to and was to stressful! I would chase and beg and plead and try to talk sense to her about it, All the things that I have never and would never do! up until now evidently! But after about a week she would come back! now most would say that it was out of quilt! But the It was about the passion and the way I make her feel in bed, the rest was just moving way too fast and I know neither of us knew how to handle it! I see that I didn't and or what I was doing til I read your threads! We were broke up for almost a month, I did nc and she would text me about every 4 or 5 days and see how I was doing! I would keep it short and not talk about us! two days before we were supposed to go to mexico she texted me and asked if I would still go and we would work it all out there! I said yes with high hopes of course! I mean who would ask you to go there if they didn't want you right? Was the most sexual and fun time right up till the morning we left! she was all for making it all work and was telling me how much she loved me! which I know she does! but woke up and said all the same( I don't know how to make this work and that she wasn't sure if she was ) ( In love with me) and treated me like a stranger that she didn't even know the day we were leaving! I fealt like I was brought there for sex and all the rest was BS! She says good-bye at the airport with not even so much as an I'm sorry and just turns and walks away! ( I am devistated) I go home wait a couple days and send her this: just wanted to let you know that all you said was true and correct, and the more I think about it not only do I hear you about not wanting a relationship, I truly dont think I was ready for one either. I may desire you but I do not need you to make me happy, nor I you! And I am o.k. with this not working out! though I wanted it to, but sometimes, you know? I will not contact you again just wanted you to know that I agree with all you said and was foolish of me and that this was all my undoing. Wasn't long after I wrote that that she contacted me, mostly to say she was sorry! I premted with this! You know I am not apposed to just having a sexual thing with you until we find some1 else ( of course I did not use the word sexual) I got a return text that said she was totaly not apposed to that! Here's the weird part! ever since I sent that letter and then brought the F buddy thing up! Not only has she been over for just that, And I let her leave without asking when will I see her again! That I agreed to leave all up to her! As I have gone back to the way I was before I had met her with my mind set! But now she texts me every day, first thing in the morning, in the afternoon and evemings! It's like we are still together, but now she feels no pressure to devede her time with work her home and children and me and my home! just when she wants to and I lay no expectationn on her for anything! I know we were moving way to fast and as I have never really dated, just have lived with women, never just dated with separate residences, is very different and hard for me! I have no hopes that we will eventualy end up together again, but am more optomistic that If I keep it this way and as time passes she will have her life in better control and what she is dealing with in general and we will be where we both said we wanted this all to go , just at a much slower pace, and I have and will not say the L word to her again until I hear that and that she wants us back together in that way! then I will no that it is real! any thoughts as to this long long story, and trust me it is longer than this a lot has been left out! But mostly wanted to thank you for your threads they put me back into perspective and let me find me far more quickly than I thought I would be able too! THANKS!!