You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[SuperDave71]

My Eyes!!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[emalkoc]

Ok, SuperDave, here is a question...

 

remember my story? 2.5 yrs relationship and 2nd break...this time is very hard one since she moved out and did not accept my wedding ring too late execuses.

 

So, I am on NC for 2.5 weeks and she changes her mood on facebook to Feeling Sad and tags one of our pretty photos together. She has not changed her profile to reflect single or anything else yet...So I know I am breaking the NC rule checking her facebook but I cannot help I want her back for sure.

 

So I will continue to NC until she calls. But the risk is that she may be too proud to call me. I think I know this girl. Even last time, she called when I threaten not to call me again with weak desire to talk again.

 

So what do I do now? Should I open the MSN channel to her where she is comfortable or wait for her call if she ever does ? My bday is Sat and dont know whether she is going to contact...No idea...we will see and I dont know what to say to her whether no more contact with me or thanks/nice for calling me message...

 

Help needed

 

Cheers

 

Eric

[kimmie11479]

what does "I really don't think I want a realationship right now", mean after a argument? Should I give him time, or walk away? I know he's really angry at me but this is horrible punishment for me. I miss and love him. Yes I broke up with him but I was quick to act! I didn't think!!!! What should i do?

[Frangipani]

My guy moved out this saturday just gone after living with me for 7 months. We had sex the night before which confused me no end, as we hadn't had regular sex for ages and it wonderful, just like it was when we met. He had decided that he didn't know how he felt anymore and that his feelings had changed so he had to move out or break up. This is a guy who stayed in my city to be with me, who was nuts about me for 4 months, who said he saw himself marrying me one day. So I never understood the change.

 

Originally, after talking about it, we both agreed that we would see how we went he moved out and had his own place. He had basically had lived with me since day one. I'd tried to get him to get his own place for ages, as I thought it would cause problems living together so soon. Then the next week before he moved, he said 'i don't think I'm going to get the feelings back even when I move out'.

 

I was very upset as we had agreed to try. He slept on the couch for a week then the last night sex came and confused me, ebcause he seemed so loving. Next day he packed up all his things to leave. I said, 'you say u dont feel thr same as you did and yet the way we were last night was just like it was when we were together at first. Don't you think this means you still have feelings?' He said that it was part of why he was confused. he felt it again last night, but still doesnt know what he feels.

 

So, we had a fight before he left because i was so upset, but several times when I said 'we deserve a chance if you are still unsure' he said, "i dont know what else to do but break up. See what happens when I've settled in.'

Then he left.

 

I don't even know his new address. He texted my yesterday to say "hey, how was your day' but thats it. I replied that I was ok, but tired. I know hes a hedonist when hes single. He started to party again before we broke up and I know he has had many one women in the past when single (when involved hes a very loyal partner and had a 5 year realtionship a few years before me) so I'm sure he'll be out partying more. Getting it all out of his stytem. I am 38 and hes 37, and it's kinda odd that he still needs that so much at his age.

 

Anyway...Dave, what do you think. All my male friends recon the last night sex wouldnt have meant much to him and that the whole 'dont know how I feel, I'm confused' proabaly means nothing either. The why say 'we'll see when Ive settled in a bit.' I juts dont get why people cant juts say 'sorry, it over, no chance.' All my friends say that its juts a guys way of saying he doesnt want you, but hes too gutless. I feel in limbo a bit but I have to treat it like its over and do NC or LC.

 

I'm not contacting him. I replied to his text as he initiated it, simply and graciously, but i shant call, text myself, email or any of that. Should I not reply at all in future to texts? I still see a little hope...what do guys mean when they say 'im confused' and break it off.

[kimmie11479]

This is all so confusing to me… Why do guys seem to beat around the bush instead of answering the question? It’s always “If you are unsure about this we should at least give it another try” The answer we get is "maybe" or "when I settle in". We even hear "I care about you but I just don’t think it’s going to work" what is that?!? It’s really simple to just tell us I’m sorry but I can’t be with you I have many reasons and I don’t want to deal with the relationship anymore. "I don’t think I want to be in a relationship right now", after 9 months of being in one isn’t really a clear answer. It’s confusing, hurtful, and not direct. Plus I tends to give hope to people that want to make it work.

[Frangipani]

Super Dave,

 

I read in another book about breakups that the only reason you should talk is if it's about seriously getting back together. But how can you know that this is what they want if you don't answer their calls? So if they leave a message to this effect - you should still not reply? - or say you need time to think about it? This confuses me, because if I was on the receiving end of it as the dumper, I might give up and think they don't want me

[clwells]

I just posted a post called "breaking up long distance" take a look if you can. I feel totally like what you are describing here. I so want to call and make him remember the good time and the love and then him say ok lets get back together. I know that it wont happen that fast but i am having a really hard time not contacting him. How long do you go before trying again? If you know that you both love each other and you want to try when? How do you make them remember the good times and not just the one sour note it ended on if you cant contact them? We have been together for so long with no trust or any other problems till this one 4 days ago. The day before all was great and then the next day fight and it's over.... You gave great advice above so I hope you can read my post and let me know what you think. Thanks!

[clwells]

I just posted a post called "breaking up long distance" take a look if you can. I feel totally like what you are describing here. I so want to call and make him remember the good time and the love and then him say ok lets get back together. I know that it wont happen that fast but i am having a really hard time not contacting him. How long do you go before trying again? If you know that you both love each other and you want to try when? How do you make them remember the good times and not just the one sour note it ended on if you cant contact them? We have been together for so long with no trust or any other problems till this one 4 days ago. The day before all was great and then the next day fight and it's over.... You gave great advice above so I hope you can read my post and let me know what you think. Thanks!

[SuperDave71]

emalkoc,

 

 

Stay away from Facebook....you are only hurting yourself with that non sense. Listen to what you are saying.

 

 

"She changed her mood on Facebook" WHAT THE HECK!!!??? WHO CARES!??!! It doesn't mater...She is a human being and you are not responsible for her happiness whatsoever.

 

I hope you have a great birthday but get rid of the "If she doesn't call or contact me, that it will be ruined" idea. It's self pity. You hurt enough. You don't need to add to it.

 

Ever gone to the airport to pick somone up without getting the flight number...the time, the airline? Probably not.

 

Logic states that if you two are not a couple you should NOT expect anything from her. If she calls great!!! If she doesn't IT IS STILL A VERY SPECIAL DAY!!

 

You live your life for you....don;t expect anything nor assume annything.

 

 

Go with what you know...NOT what you assume.

 

 

You can do this!!!!!

 

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[Frangipani]

Super dave,

 

What do you recon about my situation and the comment about the stuff form the book I read?

 

You are awesome by the way. NC is easier this time round for me because I have learnt much since the break up of my last relationship from your threads. I had the courage and took the risk to move on with a new guy early this year (the one ive posted about) whom seemed to adore me and I fell for him too and put my trust in the relationship.

 

Just a shame that he too decided to end it but I can do NC better this time as I haven't done the begging, pleading, calling etc like my past realtionship. I juts let him go, I did cry a lot and he see that for the week before he moved out, but I haven't contacted him since he walked out the door.

[Frangipani]

Ok,

 

He has texted me once this week, I replied 'I'm fine' that was it. First time in 6 days he called me tonight. I've already made a pact that I shall not initiate calls or text him and I haven't. I answered though, but stayed very strong. Funny thing was I was out at the pub having a good time. He heard it in my voice and I didnt say who I was with or where. He was like, "oooh, at the pub hey???'

 

He was civil, and nice and just wanted to catch up obviously. I was cool and calm and acted slightly aloof. He said, 'ok, well I'll let you get back to things. I'll call you back later.' I said, "yep whatever, if you feel lke it. Bye!'

 

Now I know we aren't meant to answer calls, but I think this was kind of effective too. I wasn't sad or moping...I was happy and enjoying my night and was VERY surprised that he actually called. So much so that I was kind of not even excited about it.

 

As I predicted - he didn't call back. I wouldn't have answered anyway. I'm still proud of myself, especially after only a week. I haven't inated contact in the hardest of times and when he sis speak to me I said nothing that made me look sad or needy. Good on me!!!

[capri1000]

i'm in that exact situation. he asked for space a few days ago but then comes over and sleeps with me then says we're still not back together and he still needs time apart. i'm always calling and texting althoguh he does always answer.

 

after reading that i have to realise that i must give him what he needs. but it is so difficult to not think they're going to go elsewhere because he said well he's single now so if he wanted to then he would, but we may still work things out.

 

i dunno. i just feel so hurt by him cos this is his 2nd cance as he cheated on me 8 months ago with his ex and has recently got back in touch.

 

i wish these feelings would go away cos they're unbearable. while he's out clubbing, i'm at home sobbing my heart out.

 

i just want this to stop, i want us to be happy and i want him to treat me the way someone inlove does.

[Frangipani]

Dont call. Im not doing that at all. i bumped into one of friends yesterday and he asked id contacted kev. I said 'no. He broke up with me which means he doesn't want to be with me. So I'm giving him what he wanted. Space and time. I repect that'.

 

Of course I would lo0ve to invite him over, break all the rules etc, but that wouldnt help me feeli any better and doesn't him the time awa from me that he wanted. So what if hey tell you they 'miss you'. They chose to miss you forever when they broke up with you.

[capri1000]

thank you novo!

 

i know the best thing for me to do is walk away cos i know he won't change. if only he could be romantic, sympathetic, reassuring, considerate.

 

he has never felt like he has had to prove himself to anyone in his life, and now he's needed to and he's failed.

 

i hate love.

[capri1000]

i wih he could see what a good thing he's got.

[Frangipani]

Well, after not talking or seeing one another the ex drops over unannounced this evening. I was not happy because if he had of called and asked if he could - I would have said 'NO'.

 

He goes indoor rock climbing with my neighbour, so he was at his place and thought he'd 'drop in' and see me. Told me how tired he was, about his day, about how he went out partying last night. But nothing about us. He only stayed 10 mins and had to go back over the road as they were going out. I gave him the rest of his stuff and he said,

"so, would you like to come see my new place next week?" I said

"what's the point?" he was like,

"I thought you'd like to see where I live, but it's up to you."

I said, "well, it's a little hard for me right now seeing you and I have no idea where you are at with things. I'm assuming you haven't sorrted anything out in your head yet."

He said, 'I'm still trying to sort out my new place."

So I said, "well, I'll have to see then.'

 

I was pissed off brcause I never expected him to drop in like that. I was shocked to see him at the door and the first thing he did was say how awesome my new haircut was, but yeah, I know we aren't supposed to tlk about the realtionship, but I kinda made it clear that 'was there a point to me ssing his place???'

 

What do you think Dave. Funny how they contact you, I've done nothing but stay away.

[s0confused]

my goodness everything you've said is true. And yes it's so true that the more you push to contact that ex when all they want is space, the more the other person gets annoyed.

 

i asked my ex for 2 months of NC and he texts me 3 days later and then called me 6 days after the first texts. each time he's contacted me we argue and i get to see what kind of person he is.

 

yet i still hold on that he can change.....i feel like a stupid girl for thinking he can change for the better. why do i do this?!?!

[Frangipani]

Last night I felt strong, but now that I've seen him again it hurts a bit. I wish he hadn't come over He seems to think he can just drop in whenever he likes. Dave - how do you tell someone it's not ok to just come by whenever? I'm not one of these people who needs to say, 'I don't want you you contact me, I need time alone!' I prefer the just me not contacting him scenario.

 

It seems like he misses me but hes out everyday doing something with his friends. I dunno. I don't even know where to begin with his question about coming to see his new place.I dont juts want to be his friend right now.

[shell80]

Hello - this is my very first post and time on this forum which I randomly found.

 

Your thread caught my eye. While I completely agree with what you said - I now feel completely crappy and am blaming myself for the recent breakup of my relationship.... Perhaps you and anyone else out there reading this could give me some insight/advice...

 

My boyfriend and I were in a pretty intense long distance relationship. Met over a year ago while I was living overseas, then continued on when I moved back to my country for study. I visited him a few months ago and since then it was all on - ie he was moving over here to be with me, lots of plans made etc. Out of the blue he stopped talking to me - and I hadnt heard from him for 10 days. As this was very random, of course I phoned a couple of times and sent him worried IMs and emails. I also had big news that I was trying to cope with at the time that I wanted him to know.

 

He had always been there for me and vice versa in the past so it was very strange behaviour. After 2 wks he spoke to me on msn (would not talk on the phone) and it was like trying to get blood out of a stone - he would not tell me anything and was angry at me for I have no idea what. 4 wks later - he has not spoken to me since. I have him space - (hello im on the other side of the world) and in the meantime only phoned and left a message on his phone for his birthday, and sent a final email telling him that he needed to get in touch with me at some stage as he was hurting me, leaving me hanging - I also gave him an out of the relationship if he wanted it - I was completely calm and rational throughout the whole thing.

 

So - after no contact, ive had to assume its over and im devastated. Did I not give him enough space??? Should I not have worried about him when he disappeared for 10 days? Did I care too much - and this pushed him away??

 

Any responses would be greatly appreciated.THANKYOU!

[matt24]

You're not at all wrong for wanting an explanation. I believe any adult with an ounce of respect for the other person should have the decency to explain their actions. You deserve that as do all of us. Your situation is difficult, and I have absolutely no idea what's going on in his head. I have a similar situation, to long to explain, so I understand your feelings. Don't blame yourself though...you did what you thought was right. Don't second guess, we all do it though, myself included. 10 days is a long time especially since he gave you no warning or told you he had plans. That's ridiculous, anyone with half a heart would be upset. Again, not your fault. He sounds like he has a lot of issues he needs to deal with. Everything you did was out of concern for him and the relationship.

[KronicMan]

trying to get my ex back has been so painful and annoying. my head hurts. it shouldnt be a process to get someone you love back. i shouldve listened to myself from the beginning, and it is real hard to be strong and listen to yourself.

 

my ex has hurt me in the past, but i would still take her back if she should the interest she once did.

 

i miss my ex, miss what she was, and i havent had it for years. only games played with my head.

 

my ex let me go many times

 

listen to yourself everyone, this has been a really rough time for me.

[SuperDave71]

One of your lines says it all

 

 

 

"I miss what she was" ....

 

 

Think about it

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[need2bme]

One of your lines says it all

 

 

 

"I miss what she was" ....

 

 

Think about it

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

I needed to read that. Of course in my case, she was still the same person, until she punted my butt.

[WalkOn]

Well I just stumbled onto this forum because I'm totally depressed and have no idea what else to do. I've read a lot of the comments on here, but I'm actually feeling worse instead of better. But maybe someone can offer me some advice.

 

Basically I've been with this person for almost 4 years (I'm in my mid-twenties, we met in college, first relationship). Since then, we've broken up a few times, but never for very long, and have done our fair share of long distance. This past year, we were living in the same place, and it was really great. No problems, saw each other every weekend, just an incredible time. Two months ago, he moved 1,000 miles away to go to law school, and we agreed very enthusiastically to try long distance. It was hard for me to see him with all these new friends, in a huge city, while I was stuck here surrounded by all the things that remind me of him. I flipped out a few times online, on the phone, etc. When I visited two weeks ago, everything was fine. He was so happy to see me, and he never mentioned any problems.

 

So...two weeks later, he wants out. No, he has not met someone else, I know that for sure. He's jealous that I'm most likely going to go to a better law school, in another place. And it's true that it's very unlikely I'll end up in the same city as him, but it would only be two years that we'd be long distance. I just don't understand how he made this decision so fast to give up. He doesn't want a commitment (whatever that means), he doesn't want me to move there just for him, and he doesn't want to do one more day of long-distance. I'm just sitting here going, what happened?!

 

Ahh, I feel like I'm dying here. After fighting about this for two weeks straight online and on the phone, he said we should stop talking for two weeks. Of course I only agreed after kicking and screaming about it, because I'm so used to talking to the guy everyday. In fact, it's what I look forward to all day long. So now, day 1 of NC, I'm not sure how I'll make it. I'll be in his city for business at the end of the month, obviously I had planned to stay with him, but now he doesn't even want to see me. We agreed, I guess, to meet for dinner. Our status now is...still together, but not talking.

 

Any thoughts on this? I mean, I can't function at work or anywhere. I really can't. I can't picture my future without him. And I especially can't picture him with someone else. How do people deal with this???

[buckdawg]

One of your lines says it all

 

 

 

"I miss what she was" ....

 

 

Think about it

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

Dave,

 

you rock!

 

that is all