You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[SuperDave71]

How are you guys doing out there?

 

 

-SuperDave71

[TheGetUpKid]

I've been better... my mood has been all over the place lately. I will be happy and positive for a few days and then its back down to being negative and depressed.

 

I have been in more constant contact with the ex but I figure its been almost a year since we broke up and I should sorta have some kind of friendship with her.

[SuperDave71]

TheGetupKid,

 

 

What do you think your depression is cause by?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[TheGetUpKid]

TheGetupKid,

 

What do you think your depression is cause by?

 

-SuperDave71

 

Well alot of it has do with me just graduating and job searching. It gets frustrating, sending resume after resume and not getting any responses.

 

With my ex, I just wish she would pick up her stuff already. Shes been hounding me for what seems like months to get her stuff back but something always comes up and she never ends up picking it up. And shes also really wants to have a friendship with me. She sent me txt message a few weeks ago saying: "I've been thinking lately and I really wish we could be friends. I miss you"

[Cartoons]

I know you've probably heard many of these posts say the same thing (being 149 pages), but thanks for the help. I wish I knew it sooner because I've been trying hard to get over my girlfriend I had for a year and a half. It's too bad I didn't search for a forum like this when I first started feeling miserable over the breakup.

 

Again, thank you for the information.

[SuperDave71]

Cartoons,

 

 

You are most welcome. I hope you start feeling better soon.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

GetUpKid,

 

How are you doing out there?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Rochelle]

Mine keeps calling me even though he did the dumping...so i read these threads about being strong and doing NC w/ the dumper, but he's been very persistent w/ maintaing contact w/ me, telling me he cares and wants to keep me in his life....but i've been doing my best w/ the NC to heal.

 

It's hard...

[SuperDave71]

Rochelle,

 

It is hard. You must make a decision whether to allow him to contact you or not. How do you expect to heal if he keeps throwing salt?

 

 

-SuperDave71

[panchala23]

If you are in a situation where you see the ex because you are mutual friends...one thing I have noticed is that if you treat the situation like a game then it tends to be easier. Pretend you dont care if you talk to her...pretend and pretend and eventually it will be easier. If she tries to get close, pull away. It makes it easier and makes you feel like you have some control over the situation. I have doen NC in previous relatiosnhips, and feel like it is the real way to go...but if you cannot due to circumstances (work or same friends) this may make it easier. It seems kinda dumb at first, but it begins to be fun after a while.

[Benjyh]

well after a nasty break up on my end and me trying to get her to talk to me today, and texting her, i think its time i tried to forget about her and do what everyone has told me and go NC for a while, i just really hope i am strong enough, cos it hurts and it hasnt even been a day since i last heard from her. gonna need alot of help along the way...since this is all new to me

[baddasslegend92]

I can't believe this tread is still going strong super dave

[StayingPositive]

My gf of almost a year decided that we should go on a break/time apart about 3 weeks ago. So, for about 2 weeks, we did not speak and then I decided that I would send her a message to see how she was. After some emails back and forth and my telling her that I truly do care for her, she replied with the same old thing of "she cares for me a lot and hopes we can be friends" It really hurt to hear that from her.

 

The situation with her and I is that her best friend is my best friends girlfriend so I have a hard time not running into her when I go out. After the emails, I went out that night with a different set of friends and ended up finding out through a friend that she was at the same bar but we did not say hello to each other. I was okay with it that night because apparently she was with all of her girlfriends so that was not hard to cope with.

 

The following night, I went out to a place that I had never been to with some friends and was having a great time when all of a sudden, I saw my ex with some random guy I did not know and couldn't stop thinking to myself that "of all the places, she had to be at the same bar I was at". I know she saw me because she moved to the other side of the bar with the random but still kept looking over to see if I had seen her. I did the stupid drunk thing later that night and sent her a text message saying "it was good to see you tonight" even though we didn't talk. There was no response to text that night and I have yet to hear from her since that message 3 days ago.

 

The situation has been hard for me and I know that the best way to move on is to live my life and go with no contact and let nature take its course. It is just hard because it's so hard for us to avoid not randomly seeing each other even though we live in a big city. We have too many connections of friends and end up somehow seeing each other around town since we live about a mile apart from each other and go to the same bars/hangouts.

 

What should I do to make this process easier on myself? I have pretty much tried the regular things of staying busy, going to the gym more, hanging out with new people and it all comes crashing down everytime I see/run into her.

[jennyp]

Dave you are completely right I just moved out of the bf house because he said he was tired of the relationship after 3 years. So I finally moved out was upset and i did let him know how i feel but i dont call or bother him i am going to leave him a lone. is that the right thing to do?

[Iarra]

What should I do to make this process easier on myself? I have pretty much tried the regular things of staying busy, going to the gym more, hanging out with new people and it all comes crashing down everytime I see/run into her.

 

These things are good. Keep doing them. Now that you're working on the outside, it's time to work on the inside. What I mean is, change the way you think.

 

These bad feelings that you have... They're from within you. Work on this. Stop thinking that you need her in your life. You don't. You don't need her to respond to your texts. You just want her to respond. There's a difference. Her not responding is not all-important. Your life does not depend on whether she talks to you or not. She didn't respond, and that's ok. It's totally ok. Don't beat yourself up over it.

 

Breakups tend to destroy our self-esteem, since we feel so rejected. But think about this for a while. People all over the globe get rejected all the time. It could be a job, auditioning for a school play, American Idol, etc... So why shouldn't we? The fact is that everybody goes through some sort of rejection in their lives. And it's ok. Don't think of it as a big blow to your self-confidence. Remember the good qualities that you have. List them down if you want. And BELIEVE that you are a good guy and you are a blessing to people around you. If she doesn't see that, it's ok. The way you view yourself should not depend on what she thinks of you.

 

So the next time you bump into her, act happy. Act positive, even if you're not feeling that way. You can grieve later, but don't dwell. Make a conscious decision to be happy. Don't submit to your negative feelings. These feelings come from your own thoughts, and you can control them. Be what your name says. Stay positive

[StayingPositive]

Thanks Iarra, I know in my heart that I am a good guy and a great catch when I meet the one. Right now, it's just tough to go through my day without somehow relating anything I do to my ex. I want to be able to move on but always keep having doubts about whether her and I could have worked if we just tried a little harder. I always think about whether she even thinks about me anymore and that is not something I will ever know. I guess just have to let nature take its course.

 

We live down the street from each other and I drive by her place at least a couple times each day when I go to work or a friends house. I, for the first time last night, decided to take different routes to avoid driving by but then I think about her more because of knowing that she has caused me to take a different route.

 

I don't want to run into her because that will be the easiest way for me to get past this. But if I do run into her again, I know that I have to pretend to act happy and that everything is ok. But what do I say if we do end up talking if we run into each other and she asks, "how are you? what you been up to?". These are all questions that run through my head and I just can't get rid of them yet.

[kennyh]

I feel for your situation, StayingPositive! I am in the same boat with trying to do NC after a bad, name-calling breakup with a woman I was seeing -- and I live right accross the street from her. I got to pass by her place on foot to and from work and to and from the gym.

 

I even see her with her friend in the gym a couple of times a week, and have to listen to her and her friend teasing me with giggling and name calling in the gym, despite the fact that her last email to me stated that she wanted me out of her life and mind. Even though she said that she didnt care for me anymore and blamed the whole failure of the relationship on me, she still tries to taunt me.

 

NC is easy if you dont live, work or play near the ex. But it is like a bloody water torture for people in out situation.

[StayingPositive]

Kenny, it would be so much easier to move on if we weren't reminded of that person because we see them everywhere or hear about them through friends conversation.

 

I just struggle with the notion of being in such a close circle with my ex and now it seems to be hurting my friendship with my own friends. As I stated earlier, my best friends' girlfriend is my ex's best friend so now my own friend doesn't seem to call me as much because he goes out with his gf and my ex is always around her. I want to be at a point where I am comfortable hanging out with my friend and his gf but it always brings back memories of how it used to be 4 of us together (my ex and me, him and his gf). Just don't know how to move forward without putting myself in these situations.

 

It's hard to meet new people outside of my circle sometimes and then I end up dating someone who is way too into my circle. Then this situation happens. I swore to myself that I wouldn't do this to myself after a previous situation like this but you just never think about these things when you are in the honeymoon stages of dating someone. Then it all comes crashing down on you and you don't know how to move on.

[Iarra]

I always think about whether she even thinks about me anymore and that is not something I will ever know. I guess just have to let nature take its course.

 

I've had those thoughts too, but the fact is, our ex's didn't try a little harder. We can mull all we want about shoulda's, coulda's and woulda's, but it wouldn't change our situation, would it?

 

As for my ex, everything was fine. We didn't have compatibility problems or anything like that, but he left. Life is sometimes not easy. There are always gonna be problems. Some are life-altering, some are not. But some people have managed to stay in their relationships. He ain't seen nothin' yet and he already left. That is not something that I would want in a lifelong partner. If he was ready for a relationship, then I know in my heart that we can work it out. But the fact remains that he doesn't want to. There's nothing else I can do but to accept it. I think acceptance is a very important part in the healing process.

 

I work with my ex. His cube's right next to mine. I can hear his voice every day when he talks with our other co-workers. I even hear him talking to his buddies on the phone. So believe me, I can understand how running into your ex, seeing her house, etc.. can hurt. The way I deal with it is, I just sort of block his presense in my mind. I can't really explain how, but it's sort of like pretending he doesn't exist. He's just another guy at work.

 

For some people, changing their routine to avoid the ex can help, but to others, it can have the opposite effect in that you know you're changing it because of her. Only you know which is better for you. As for me, I don't want to change anything about how I do things. I don't want him to have that effect on me. But I also mentally prepare myself for cases where I DO bump into him. In fact, I just bumped into him for the first time this morning. Since we made eye contact, I just gave a little smile. He did the same. No biggie. I've also prepared myself on how to deal with it if, say we had to take the same elevator. If it's just the two of us, I'm ok with asking him how he's doing and making small talk, since I feel it would be more awkward if we don't say anything. The key here is to treat him like any other guy. No special treatment of any kind. He's out of the circle (if you've seen Meet The Parents/Fockers, you know what I mean

 

In your case, if you run into her again and she asks how you are, then be polite, just like you would to any other person. She's just another girl now. Even if you still have feelings for her, it doesn't do you any good to treat her differently. I know it can be hard. It takes a some mental preparation, but you can do it.

 

It's ok to think about these things so that when it happens, you're not caught off-guard. But, like I said, don't think of her as special anymore. Remember, she doesn't have any power over you. If you let your world come crashing down because of her, you're giving her that power. It's normal to still feel down about it. I still have these moments too. But don't dwell. Snap out of it. Don't let ANYBODY (not just your ex) take away your happiness.

[mbird]

I have broken up with my girlfriend a month 4 weeks ago today. Been NC since saturday it is very very hard!

 

Big regret just looked on her bebo and its made me feel so much worse all the new boys which are on her account Makes it all much harder because we broke up on such good terms. Stayed the night at her house had passionate sex ect. But she "didn't feel the same anymore" Ifeel like I could never commit that haevily again because I might get dropped again.

 

Makes me unbelievably hurt and angry but I can't do anything about it. through the last month I just get random urges to punch something. Still do it im a boxer my fists are so bruised. but it makes me feel better. I shocked her when we broke up that i cryed I was sensitive but int he 2 years she never saw me cry. I cryed the last 3 weeks. Havnt cryed in a day. I just feel so distached like I'm missing something in my life...

 

Why are women so afraid of stickign with something and why are peiople scared of developing a relationship?

 

Everyone is right, words don't mean anything when it comes to this kind of stuff.

 

I'm hurting, but I'm going to go traveling for a year in aussie, I really want her out of my head by the time I go!

[iwantyourdreams]

Ok all I need some advice and reassurance. Tuesday night my guy and I’ve that been dating for almost a year had this conversation….it’s really abbreviated here seeing that we talked for 1.5 hours online.

 

We’ve been bf/gf for almost a year (Sunday) things have been mostly good. Always lots of I love you’s from him and myself. We live 4 hours apart at first were seeing each other every weekend even though we said every other then we started doing every other since the new year. This past weekend he changed his mind from coming to see me and I was very upset and very vocal about it. Almost every time we talked over the weekend I would make some smart comment. Sunday night he didn’t call me but I didn’t think too much. Finally on Tuesday I realized he hadn’t really been contacting me I had been the initiator so I asked him if things were ok and this is what transpired:

 

Him: I think we might need some time away from each other

Me: Lots of shock and I don’t think so

Him: I really think both of us need some down time

Me: Lots more I don’t want this and then I ask: what about our vacation next month

Him: I don't know right now

Me: More crying and let’s face it begging

Him: I still think I can use some time apart right now and no I can't say that we're totally done

Me: Lots more reasons why we just can’t take down time

Him: (it’s been over an hour at this point) why don't we talk tomorrow about this

Me: Okay and then more reasons about this can’t be happening

Him: I am sorry, I don't like hurting you like this I would rather be upfront with this, than trying to hide my feelings

Me: couldnt we work through this together, isn't that what couples do

Him: let's talk tomorrow

 

We never really agreed that we’d take a break but I know it’s inevitable; I’m trying to deal with that. Wednesday morning before finding this site and this thread I sent a normal good morning hope you have a good day, love me and he replied basically the same thing. Since then nothing, he hasn’t called.

 

Finally, here’s my question:

Do I assume no contact now? The reason I ask is because I don’t want him to think I’m avoiding him because I don’t want to hear the take some down time again or that I’m avoiding him because I’m coping an attitude with him.

From reading page after page of posts I’m not sure if I’m just making up excuses to contact him.

 

So YOUR comments, suggestions, advice is very welcome.

 

And to all that are or have gone through the same things…WOW congrats, it is hard.

[husk]

ok i have been reading this thread about avoiding certain doom but here is my situation see what ya think. i ahve been dating this lady for 7 months everything was great she lives 5 hours away and she knew she would nhave to move here so the past month she has been confused she said something dont feel right she is having doubts that she is ready to have an instant family i have two kids and she is struggling with uprooting her life and moving here she lives in a big city and i live in a small rural town so she said she needed to take a step back and think so she has been doing this for two weeks she text me this week saying she missed me and was thinking of me she sayes she loves me so when we talked yesterday i just said i was going to make it easier and get out of her life i said it out of frustration dont want to break up and i am willing to give her time as long as she is working on ways to adjust and us work but i cant set here not knowing if any day she may call and say it is over i feel like i want to call her and tell her but im not sure if i need to leave her be and let her think what should i do in this situation.

[SuperDave71]

Husk,

 

Did she reply to your comments? Has she tried to contact you in any way?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[husk]

Ok dave i did text her yesterday i want to just type word for word what i said and what she said and maybe this will help.

 

Ok hear it is:

 

 

 

ME: Hi - - - - - I wanted to tell you that the other day when i said i wanted to break up i did it out of frustration cause i was nt going to get to see you this weekend( she was planning on coming her ideal then she didnt cause she couldnt find someone to keep her dogs which i believe but she then said she thought she mayeb had been rushing her feelings) Im not breaking up with you cuase that is the last thing in the world i want, so if that is what you want then u will have to do the breaking up. Cause i cant break up with a woman i m in love with. By the way i miss you.

 

HER: Hey ------ I went on a bike ride and i am running some errands sorry it took so long to respond. I dont really know what to say other than i do think i want some time to figure out my feelings becasue i do have doubts so its not fair to you if im unsure.

 

ME: Are you doubting that you love me have you stopped loving me are you not attracted to me anymore what is it?

 

 

HER: No I am attracted to u I am having doubts about our future not being ready to start a family i truly care about you and the kids but i feel like they deserve someone who is ready for that im afraid i will fail. Im just being honest these are things i think of. I know if we are supose to be we will.

 

ME sent her one telling her i would give her all the time she needed as long as she was working on ideals to adjust like she said she was in a email last week. she didnt anwser that one . I did send her another one basically telling her how does she know she isnt ready when she hasnt tryed it. Just a couple weeks ago while visting she wanted to look at hosues or condos next to me . Just a couple weeks she was sending cards to me and my kids telling me how much she missed us and how she couldnt stand being away from me. Telling me in text she loved me and missed me. I cant understnd all this. I just would like to know how she will ever get an anwser if she doesnt spend time with us. I dont know what she is thinking but what should i do just leave her alone no contact . I just cant see just a few days ago she wanted to come see me saying she missed me now i dont know . I asked her if she wanted to breakup and she wont ever say the day we talked and i said i wanted to break up she said she wasnt sure that is what she wanted and she couldnt believe this is it so dave what do you think i should do and what is she doing?

[SuperDave71]

Husk,

 

Give her exactly what you said you were going to give her....time and space.

 

If you give her anything else right now, it may be the very thing you do that pushes her away.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71