Husband gets mad at ME when HE gets caught in lies

[hurtabandoned]

I got home from work this evening and sat down at my computer. I began looking through the history. At first I found nothing. After looking further, I discovered that he had been surfing the web for porn.

 

For several reasons this bothered me. For one, I find it insulting and offensive. He knows that I don't want that kind of material viewed on my computer. It also brings up bad memories of his infidelity that occurred a year ago.

 

When I got upset about it he got all defensive and claimed he did nothing wrong. He kept saying, "I'm a 33 year old man." I guess he thinks that's a good reason to stomp all over my feelings. Then he started on me about showing him respect - EXCUSE ME.

 

He knows how I felt about this and he had agreed not to look at that stuff on my computer. So who was disrespecting who?

[chai714]

It seems as if you don't trust your husband ever since you found out about his infidelity. This has led you to snooping on what he's been looking up on the Internet, and possibly other things he may be doing as well.

 

As an adult male, he should be able to view adult material if he chooses. So long as he doesn't do it around you (because you have already told him it's disrespectful) he should be able to view it when you're not around. Also, as long as it does not affect you guys' sex life, I see no problem with him looking at adult material.

 

On the other hand, if it is YOUR computer he should not look at porn because it's not his and you don't want that material on your computer. If he does want to look at it, he should buy his own and do it when you're not around. But he shouldn't be forced to quit looking at adult material completely just because you feel disrespected.

 

Overall though, I think you two need to re-establish trust again because it seems as if you do not trust him at all. This will take time, but a relationship without trust will fail every time.

[brando]

I agree with Chai.

 

He is an adult and if he likes to peruse adult material, then he has a right to.

 

If it is on your pc then you have a point. You asked him not to look at porn on your computer and he should respect that.

 

Why you went through the history of sites visited is a red flag imo.

 

Chai has a valid point, trust and respect need to be reestablished between you to..or the relationship is doomed.

[Vanilla]

ok yes he is an adult male he should view adult material if he wishes...HOWEVER, he is in a commited relationship and all it takes is ONE partner to be uncomfortable with it for it to stop. Especially if it was something you both had agreed on.

 

My hubby and I have discussed that too and neither of us want eachother into that stuff, it is just something we are not into nor would wnat our partners to be into. We respect that and accept it.

 

If a partner cant give up pornography consciously knowing its affecting their other partner than you have to be pretty sick. Porn is not a necessity and if you find it to be one, you have a problem. This is my opinion. ESPECIALLY ON HER COMPUTER what is your husband , crazy? The nerve..

[hurtabandoned]

Yes, the computer is mine and I'm the one who pays the bill. I don't want the images on my computer nor do I want one of the many viruses that tend to float around on these sights. I usually have Cybersitter on to prevent this but I recently used my restore disc and didn't reinstall it. That's why I checked the history.

 

There are also other reasons why his behavior bothers me. While I'm at work he's watching our young daughter - who is not getting much attention - while he sits at the computer she's in her room by herself.

 

There are also other issues at hand as well. He got caught by myself - bringing prescription drugs [that weren't his] into the house. I took them and flushed them down the toilet. He says he not doing that anymore. How can I be sure of that - he's lying about something else now.

 

I think that if he cared enough about me then he wouldn't deliberately do things that hurt me. It makes me feel like he doesn't give a darn about the way that I feel.

 

I feel like I'm the only one that is trying to hold the family together and all he's doing is trying to do his best to destroy it.

 

Thanks for the back up schatzieK - I just read your reply.

[Vanilla]

your welcome. If people are single they can look at porn and go to strip clubs and sleep around...if their partners dont care, hey go crazy....but its so important to realize that in a relationship it takes two, and if one partner says its gotta go its gotta go! If porn means that much to you then I dont wanna know...

 

Wow, I cannot believe your daughter is left by herself while he does this. That is sick and just insensitive. I am really sorry about that and the drugs. Is he in denial about having a problem? Have you guys sought help?

[hurtabandoned]

I have talked to him at length about the potential consequences that could have happened if he had got caught. I don't know if he's gotten it or not. He admits to having a problem but he has yet to seek any help.

[lillady898]

While I'm not going to get in any dispute over whether porn is right or wrong, I think that it is completely valid to say that if something makes your significant other uncomfortable or feel pain, you should actually want to stop. For instance, men have the right to sleep with whoever they want to sleep with. That is, until they are in a relationship and it is something that will make their significant other unhappy and hurt.

 

It's common courtesy to make changes, especially one as insignifant as porn, for a significant other. It's called sacrafices. People make them every day for people they truly love- many times without the significant other having to ask.

 

I think this man lost all his credibility when he cheated and should understand where you are coming from. I can see where this porn is bringing back old memories- Porn he is attracted to looking at other women having sex and cheating he is attracted to actually having sex with other women.

 

Have you tried talking to him about these things while being nonconfrontational at a time where his guard is down? I am figuring so. Maybe it's time to seek professional help if you haven't already.

 

Sorry you had to go through all that you have, and good luck with this.

[frogkisser]

I feel your pain. I went through almost the exact same thing, cybersitter, vicodan and all. What I learned is that when he gets angry, he is really angry with himself and masks it as being angry with you. You can set the new rules of the relationship and conditions under which you will stay together, but it just takes one stupid choice to bring you back to square one. I can almost guarantee he needs professional help. Porn additcion is sexual addiction which usually comes from some deep seated wounds he suffered. Occasional porn is not problematic but when it keeps you from properly caring for your child and threatens to ruin your relationship it's time for professional help. Good luck and blessings!

[Bella_Strega]

**chai, Brando, etc...**

 

This whole male "entitlement" thing is baffling to me. If any of you would take the time to investigate the industry you so shamelessly dump billions per year into, you would realize how devastating it is to women and children all over the world.

 

Not to mention the women in the videos who, 9 times (or more) out of 10, are desperately reenacting prior sexual traumas and allowing themselves to be exploited as a result of said prior trauma. And that's not even mentioning the portion who are actually enslaved and forced to be in them.

 

What gives you the right to get off on the pain of another human being?

[Daddy Bear]

the women in the videos who, 9 times (or more) out of 10, are desperately reenacting prior sexual traumas and allowing themselves to be exploited as a result of said prior trauma. And that's not even mentioning the portion who are actually enslaved and forced to be in them.

 

Where are you getting your information?

[Rabican]

He has a right to look at porn. but. You have a right, not to want to be with someone who views porn.

 

So.... theres that.

 

Also if it is your computer, then it is your rules concerning it. If you do not want porn on it, he should respect that. I think that he should be honest with you regardless. If he is still going to look at porn, then you should know. and then you can decide what you want to do about it... stay togeter/ break up.

[WhiteForest]

Point is you told him you were uncomfortable with him viewing porn and he said he understood and would not do it again. He shouldn't have said he wouldn't do something if he didn't mean it.

 

He has no right to say anything to you about this. He went back on his word and that's his problem.

 

Now I agree with Rabican in the post above. You have to discuss it and if he's not willing to stop then you will have to decide what to do next.

[Miss Firecracker]

I'd kick someone if they put porn on my computer. I hate it, and I don't want it anywhere near me. I know the women who do that are many times victiims, and I'm sorry but I'd rather be alone than with someone who indulges in it.

 

And if it were my computer it would really be an insult!

[Bella_Strega]

Where are you getting your information?

 

By doing my research. link removed is a good place to start, she has links to lots of other info.

 

Jenna Jameson, Tracy Lords - both raped as young girls. The woman who was in "Deepthroat" - I can't recall her name - was enslaved and forced (beaten) into that movie by her husband at the time. Just a few examples, but there are plenty more.

[BellaDonna]

Just an FYI: This thread is about 2 years old. Hopefully the Original Poster has reached some kind of resolution by now.