Boyfriend has a set number of years that he wants to date before getting engaged

[abykann]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2.5 years, technically longer if you count an on-and-off period when we first started seeing each other. We've now been living together for over half a year and are in our mid twenties.

Recently my boyfriend and I have been talking more about engagement and he expressed that he doesn't feel ready to propose unless he's dated someone for 5 years. The challenge is, I'm supposed to be moving out of the city with my boyfriend in the next year for his work. I'm giving up a lot to follow him, and this move is not a requirement for him, he simply wants to experience a new city.

I was really expecting him to ask me to marry him before we move, since at that point we would have been living together for over a year and dating for over 3. He has also told me that I am the woman he sees himself marrying. This recently turned into a huge fight when my boyfriend couldn't explain where this 5-year timeline came from. It's not based on any facts/research/real-life experience and he gets angry when I ask him to elaborate.

I'm just wondering if this is a common thing for people to feel super strongly about. I'd understand wanting a timeline like this if we were much younger but we aren't. I always felt like you'd know when you were ready to take that next step with a person instead of just waiting for a clock to run out. He's told me that he would do it before we moved if he had to, but I would never want a proposal like that...it feels awful. Does anyone have any advice on where this might be coming from?

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, abykann said:

. I was really expecting him to ask me to marry him before we move, since at that point we would have been living together for over a year and dating for over 3. He has also told me that I am the woman he sees himself marrying. This recently turned into a huge fight when my boyfriend couldn't explain where this 5-year timeline came from. 

Sorry this is happening.  Unfortunately his timeline is just a stalling tactic, but you seem to know this. Please don't give up your whole life to "follow him" . He's not interested in any type of commitment.  Is this the same man?

 

[Sam1986]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.  Unfortunately his timeline is just a stalling tactic, but you seem to know this. Please don't give up your whole life to "follow him" . He's not interested in any type of commitment.  Is this the same man?

You dont know that for certain enough to make a sweeping comment like that. You might be right, but there might also be other factors at play here (like an underlying fear of commitment, but not necessarily something that he is lying about deliberately).

[abykann]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately his timeline is just a stalling tactic, but you seem to know this. Please don't give up your whole life to "follow him" . He's not interested in any type of commitment.  Is this the same man?

Yes this is the same man from my previous post. If I knew he was truly committed to me then I would have no problem with the move. Our relationship has been very strong lately...I'd like to think he isn't just stalling with no intention of ever committing but it's starting to look that way

[Sam1986]

7 minutes ago, abykann said:

Yes this is the same man from my previous post. If I knew he was truly committed to me then I would have no problem with the move. Our relationship has been very strong lately...I'd like to think he isn't just stalling with no intention of ever committing but it's starting to look that way

Usually I would advocate that you bring this up, but apparently you did press the issue. What is quite unfortunate though is that it turned into a fight, as those dont tend to resolve anything, especially when there is important information that you would like to get out of it (such as where that arbitrary 5 year number comes from). I would not let that issue slide though, but on the same time I would urge you to show a lot of restraint, remain open to his explanations and not let the topic escalate into a fight. If he is unable to hold a mature conversation about the topic though, then you might have bigger issues on your hand down the road. Because then it's more about him being a less than ideal long term prospect since he would be unable to hold an honest, open and mature conversation about an important issue. For me personally at least, I see the ability to hold an open conversation as the sign of a truly strong relationship. 

[lostandhurt]

So you have your own house that you have been fixing up, live near your parents and seem to have your stuff together.

 Why is he wanting you to give all that up because he wants to "experience" a new city?  Like you said he doesn't have to move, he wants to.  When was the discussion about what you want?

  I get the feeling this is about more than an engagement ring.

 Also long engagements are not a bad idea.  Just because he proposes doesn't mean you get married right away does it?

Lost

[boltnrun]

How secure do you feel in the relationship? Do you feel he is the one you'll be spending the rest of your life with? Do you think HE feels that way about you? When he says he sees you in his future does he specifically mention being married TO YOU? 

My BIL was living with his long term girlfriend. He too had "requirements" he wanted met before they allegedly were to get married. First he wanted a career job. Then when he got the career job he said he wanted X amount of dollars saved up. When they reached that goal he increased it by double. Then when they reached THAT goal he said he wanted to be in his job for five years. The truth was he didn't want to get married EVER, to anyone, and he was stalling. He was perfectly happy to live together but he didn't want marriage for whatever reason. His girlfriend finally realized this and broke up with him. She's now married and a mother. Interestingly he pulled the same routine on his previous girlfriend. She also broke up with him and she too is married and a mother. But obviously not to him. He currently lives with his mother and is single and has been for several years. He's in his 40s now, BTW. Never married, no kids, lives with Mom. 

I can't say this is what your boyfriend is doing. But I would think very long and hard about these things: are you willing to wait out his five year time frame (i.e., do you feel he and the relationship are worth waiting it out)? Or alternatively, are you willing to stay behind when he moves and see how you two fare long distance?  And finally, would you be willing to forego marriage and just live together indefinitely if that's ultimately what he decides?

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, abykann said:

Yes this is the same man from my previous post. If I knew he was truly committed to me then I would have no problem with the move. Our relationship has been very strong lately...I'd like to think he isn't just stalling with no intention of ever committing but it's starting to look that way

Please don't make all these sacrifices for someone who is not committed to you. 

Why throw your life away on someone who wants to "experience" a new city. That in itself shows he wants to be a free agent and has some type of fear of missing out.

He's being combative when you try to talk to him about your goals and needs and that's not a good sign. 

[catfeeder]

I'd gently let BF know that he doesn't need to respond to what I'm about to say in this moment, he can take some time to think on it. Then I'd tell him that I'm not willing to spend my best fertility years waiting for a proposal. He gets to decide what that means to him, and he can let me know when he wants to discuss this again.

Meanwhile, I'd be making plans for another place to live. If he doesn't revisit the conversation before I've secured my plans, then I'd carry them out, and we'd be over.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

I'd gently let BF know that he doesn't need to respond to what I'm about to say in this moment, he can take some time to think on it. Then I'd tell him that I'm not willing to spend my best fertility years waiting for a proposal. He gets to decide what that means to him, and he can let me know when he wants to discuss this again.

Meanwhile, I'd be making plans for another place to live. If he doesn't revisit the conversation before I've secured my plans, then I'd carry them out, and we'd be over.

Same and I would not relocate anywhere.  What was the purpose in moving in together? Did you each have the same purpose? To me his 5 year time line sounds arbitrary.  

[abykann]

31 minutes ago, Sam1986 said:

I would not let that issue slide though, but on the same time I would urge you to show a lot of restraint, remain open to his explanations and not let the topic escalate into a fight.

I definitely want to hear his side, I think there's more to the story but he's the one that's getting angry. We've had this conversation many times and this one seemed to be the final breakdown because I kept pushing. For the record, he has fully agreed to propose within the year, but clarified that he is not ready and would only be doing it to make me happy. Some of the statements he's made (and backtracked on) implied that he thinks I want him to change his mind so that he would admit to being wrong, and I've never taken pride in him being wrong. He once said this idea came from his parents but I've spoken to his mother who was married after less than 5 years of dating and encouraged him not to be fixated on a specific number of years. He eventually admitted that he just holds this belief based on "a feeling" and that's that.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, abykann said:

I definitely want to hear his side, I think there's more to the story but he's the one that's getting angry. We've had this conversation many times and this one seemed to be the final breakdown because I kept pushing. For the record, he has fully agreed to propose within the year, but clarified that he is not ready and would only be doing it to make me happy. Some of the statements he's made (and backtracked on) implied that he thinks I want him to change his mind so that he would admit to being wrong, and I've never taken pride in him being wrong. He once said this idea came from his parents but I've spoken to his mother who was married after less than 5 years of dating and encouraged him not to be fixated on a specific number of years. He eventually admitted that he just holds this belief based on "a feeling" and that's that.

Please don't nag or push someone into marrying you.  Or a halfhearted proposal.  To me anyway an engagement is not official without a ring and a wedding date -at least a wedding month.

[abykann]

36 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

So you have your own house that you have been fixing up, live near your parents and seem to have your stuff together.

 Why is he wanting you to give all that up because he wants to "experience" a new city?  Like you said he doesn't have to move, he wants to.  When was the discussion about what you want?

  I get the feeling this is about more than an engagement ring.

 Also long engagements are not a bad idea.  Just because he proposes doesn't mean you get married right away does it?

Lost

The move does seem silly to me...but I do love him and it would only be for a few years. This seems to be super important to him so I'm trying to be supportive, knowing that eventually it will be my turn.

He is fully aware that I have no intention of rushing into marriage after this. He actually feels like an engagement is equal to marriage.

[Batya33]

Just now, abykann said:

The move does seem silly to me...but I do love him and it would only be for a few years. This seems to be super important to him so I'm trying to be supportive, knowing that eventually it will be my turn.

He is fully aware that I have no intention of rushing into marriage after this. He actually feels like an engagement is equal to marriage.

Do you think it is equal to marriage? How so?  And your turn meaning what -you have a city you want him to move to with you because you feel like it?

[abykann]

27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How secure do you feel in the relationship? Do you feel he is the one you'll be spending the rest of your life with? Do you think HE feels that way about you? When he says he sees you in his future does he specifically mention being married TO YOU? 

In the recent months I've felt very secure in this relationship. Honestly in the 6 months the only major disagreements we've had were about this topic. We've been able to work through everything else. He says he wants be married one day and he says he sees me as his future wife.

But honestly, I wouldn't wait for his 5-years because I wouldn't move with him if he didn't propose. And he's made it clear that he doesn't believe in long distance.

[abykann]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Same and I would not relocate anywhere.  What was the purpose in moving in together? Did you each have the same purpose? To me his 5 year time line sounds arbitrary.  

The purpose of moving in together was to take our relationship to the next level and to understand how compatible we were as life partners. Honestly, every other aspect of it has been great! It's just this 5 year rule...I just keep hoping he's willing to reconsider. It almost feels more like he's fighting the idea of "changing his mind" more than the idea of getting engaged.

[abykann]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Do you think it is equal to marriage? How so?  And your turn meaning what -you have a city you want him to move to with you because you feel like it?

I do not think that being engaged is equal to marriage, but I believe it shows an intention and commitment. When I say my turn, I just mean to be able to focus on my career and settle down somewhere. I'm ok with supporting this adventure with him, and he understands that eventually we will be picking a place to live permanently and not just be moving around forever.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, abykann said:

I do not think that being engaged is equal to marriage, but I believe it shows an intention and commitment. When I say my turn, I just mean to be able to focus on my career and settle down somewhere. I'm ok with supporting this adventure with him, and he understands that eventually we will be picking a place to live permanently and not just be moving around forever.

What's his time line and yours for "eventually?" Did you know about his 5 year plan from the beginning and if not why? And if not whose to say when you think it's "your turn" he'll come up with some other time line like he only wants to move after X years in one place? Seems like you're making huge emotional and financial sacrifices for a boyfriend.  Do you want kids? Does he?

[tattoobunnie]

11 minutes ago, abykann said:

The only major disagreements we've had were about this topic...And he's made it clear that he doesn't believe in long distance.

He's put you in an impossible situation on purpose.  And this is a major disagreement.  Don't move.  He does not prioritize you at all.  He does not prioritize your needs, your comfort, or you at all.  In 5 years, he'll come up with another excuse.

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, abykann said:

The purpose of moving in together was to take our relationship to the next level and to understand how compatible we were as life partners. Honestly, every other aspect of it has been great! It's just this 5 year rule...I just keep hoping he's willing to reconsider. It almost feels more like he's fighting the idea of "changing his mind" more than the idea of getting engaged.

How does living together progress anything? I didn't see it that way personally and didn't need to test compatibility by sharing living space -especially since shortly after we married we shared 550 feet of living space (my apartment)with a newborn! No way to test how that's gonna be lol.  

I would give no head space or heart space to what ideas you imagine he is fighting. Back to basics.  Right now he doesn't want to marry you.  The best he can tell you is that it will take at least 5 years of dating and then he will see if he wants to marry you -he didn't say he'd propose after 5 years.  Getting engaged isn't an "idea" -as you said it's a commitment to marry.  It's not abstract.  

Interestingly he doesn't need any time to decide  that he's fine with you following him to another city - soon. No time line concerns there despite knowing it's a huge commitment for you.

Also please know he is telling you living together did not progress anything because now suddenly he has this 5 year plan.

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, abykann said:

I wouldn't wait for his 5-years because I wouldn't move with him if he didn't propose. And he's made it clear that he doesn't believe in long distance.

So it seems you two are potentially at an impasse: he won't propose before five years out of his own desire but rather to appease you, and you won't move unless/until he proposes AND you want the proposal to be of his own free will because HE chooses to propose, not because you gave him a "propose or I won't move" ultimatum. Also you aren't willing to wait out the five years. 

It doesn't seem like there's a good solution. Either you move without a sincere proposal or he proposes but feels coerced. Neither is ideal.

Do you see it as a breaking point? 

[rainbowsandroses]

OP, what's his history in past relationships?  How long and why did they end?  

If you haven't discussed, ask!  It's your heart and your life.

IF he does have some sort of "fear of commitment" this is important information.  Remember the more information we have, the better decisions we will make re knowing if someone is the right fit for marriage.

Pay attention to his response and don't live in "never-never land" waiting for something that in all likelihood imo (at least not with him), will never happen.

I mean what does he think will happen in five years that isn't happening now?  Does he think he's gonna wake up one morning in five years and miraculously want to get married to YOU? It make NO sense. 

With no other context from him and utilizing common sense, to me it sounds like BS, a stalking tactic. 

Be smarter than that and take care of you. 

[abykann]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What's his time line and yours for "eventually?" Did you know about his 5 year plan from the beginning and if not why? And if not whose to say when you think it's "your turn" he'll come up with some other time line like he only wants to move after X years in one place? Seems like you're making huge emotional and financial sacrifices for a boyfriend.  Do you want kids? Does he?

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

How does living together progress anything? I didn't see it that way personally and didn't need to test compatibility by sharing living space 

The 5 year's of dating never came up until about 6 months ago...he had never expressed this before so it definitely was a surprise. I have known about his desire to move out of the city for most of our relationship though and I agreed to go with him if we were engaged, or to do long distance until we were ready to take that step.

Both of us were in support of living together first and I do think that it has been good for our relationship. He was just in more of a hurry than me to be co-habitating.

I can't predict what will happen once this new work project is done, but I know what we've agreed on. If he were to go back on that decision then that would obviously be a major betrayal. I really won't find out though until the time comes.

[abykann]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you see it as a breaking point? 

I do actually...and I've already told him that my whole point of making my expectations known about being engaged was so that he would leave if he knew he didn't want it.

He flip-flops so much...a couple months ago he was in agreement about being engaged but then recently let it slip that it isn't actually what he wants. At this point I don't even know if I can believe him until the ring is on my finger

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, abykann said:

 He was just in more of a hurry than me to be co-habitating.

It seems like he prefers just coasting along for economic, household and sexual convenience.