Feeling guilty for wasting people's time

[HeartfeltDesire]

Hey everyone,

I'm hoping someone can offer some advice on this feeling that's been bothering me lately. I've been on a few dates and hung out with a few women, but no matter how hard I try, I always end up feeling like I'm wasting their time.

It's like I'm stuck in this cycle of self-doubt and inadequacy. I'll meet someone, we'll hit it off initially, and I'll think to myself, "Okay, this could be something." But as we spend more time together, I start to feel like I'm just taking up space in their lives. Like I'm not good enough, interesting enough, or attractive enough to hold their attention.

It's not just about the dates themselves - it's the feeling that I'm somehow less worthy than they are. That no matter how hard I try, I'll never be good enough to truly connect with someone. It's a constant, nagging voice in the back of my mind, telling me that I'm just not cut out for this dating thing.

I've tried to shake it off, to focus on the positive and just enjoy the experience. But it's hard when it feels like the women I'm interested in are just going through the motions with me. They are polite, friendly, and courteous, but there's no spark, no excitement, no sense that they're truly invested in getting to know me.

I've started to wonder if it's just better for everyone involved if I just stick to being alone. At least that way, I'm not wasting anyone's time or leading them on. It's a sad thought, but it feels like the most honest one.

Has anyone else struggled with these feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt in dating? Am I just being too hard on myself, or is this a sign that I'm not cut out for the dating scene?

Thanks for listening, and I look forward to any advice or words of encouragement.

[Batya33]

Why not leave it to the other adult whether she wants to spend time with you? To me it's wasting someone's time if you pretend to be someone you're not or want what the person wants when that's not true -like if the person is looking for something long term or wants someone who wants to relocate to a different city, etc.  I'm sorry you feel inadequate!  Do you have any thing you like to do and feel you do well?

[HeartfeltDesire]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why not leave it to the other adult whether she wants to spend time with you? To me it's wasting someone's time if you pretend to be someone you're not or want what the person wants when that's not true -like if the person is looking for something long term or wants someone who wants to relocate to a different city, etc.  I'm sorry you feel inadequate!  Do you have any thing you like to do and feel you do well?

It's almost like I judge them for actually liking me because of my own negative self image.

I'm generally a happy person outside of dating. I have a fulfilling social life, a job I enjoy, and lots of hobbies. But once women get involved, I end up getting really negative about myself and assume things will never work out. It's like I have this constant inner critic whispering in my ear, telling me I'm not good enough, that I'm just pretending to be someone I'm not.

I think this stems from a deep-seated fear of rejection and abandonment. I've been hurt before, and it's hard for me to shake off the feeling that I'm not worthy of love and affection. It's like I'm stuck in this cycle of self-doubt, where I'm constantly questioning my own worth and the intentions of others.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, HeartfeltDesire said:

It's almost like I judge them for actually liking me because of my own negative self image.

I'm generally a happy person outside of dating. I have a fulfilling social life, a job I enjoy, and lots of hobbies. But once women get involved, I end up getting really negative about myself and assume things will never work out. It's like I have this constant inner critic whispering in my ear, telling me I'm not good enough, that I'm just pretending to be someone I'm not.

I think this stems from a deep-seated fear of rejection and abandonment. I've been hurt before, and it's hard for me to shake off the feeling that I'm not worthy of love and affection. It's like I'm stuck in this cycle of self-doubt, where I'm constantly questioning my own worth and the intentions of others.

I'm sorry you feel this way.  Is it possible it's a way to avoid getting close to someone - sabotage it right away so you don't have to risk getting close.  Many of us have been hurt before.  How badly do you want a serious relationship? Because if you just want to casually date then you probably wouldn't feel like you were wasting someone's time.  

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, HeartfeltDesire said:

. But it's hard when it feels like the women I'm interested in are just going through the motions with me. They are polite, friendly, and courteous, but there's no spark, no excitement, no sense that they're truly invested in getting to know me.

 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you seem quite closed off to letting anyone into your life. Perhaps the women can sense this and it echos back to you in the form of this detachment and interia? 

It seems like you have a fulfilling interesting life otherwise so it's ok to let someone in. 

Perhaps see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done to rule out underlying depression or anxiety. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

You can manage this with someone change of self defeating thoughts. 

 

[smackie9]

You suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Please seek out a therapist for proper diagnosis and treatment, instead of giving up on yourself. It’s treatable. 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, HeartfeltDesire said:

I've tried to shake it off, to focus on the positive and just enjoy the experience. But it's hard when it feels like the women I'm interested in are just going through the motions with me. They are polite, friendly, and courteous, but there's no spark, no excitement, no sense that they're truly invested in getting to know me.

I sometimes feel that way except I have found men asking me a lot of personal questions - mainly what my vision of a romantic relationship is. Wanting to know my inner most early on.

Sometimes it's far better to FLIP THE SCRIPT, and ask the other person thoughtful questions if you want to know them better.

Would you say they are disinterested when you don't ask an equal or more personal question back?

[Kwothe28]

You dont think you are "good enough". Which is synonymous for people with low self- esteem. Usually it fixes when you get dates and relationships because, well, its hard to feel inadequate when multiple people dont think you are that, and choose you for dates. But in your case its probably just very psychological. And yes, therapy might be in order.

[MurkyIntersection]

It sounds like it's all just in your head. I would ask myself the question, "do I want a casual or serious relationship?". Either way, you are as deserving to be happy as all the women you meet.

Try being vulnerable around them. Be yourself and be interested in what they have to say. Practice active listening. Hopefully that will in turn prompt your dates to want to know you more as well.

[LootieTootie]

Hi HeartFeltDesire,

When I read your post I initially thought "well this is normal" when you're dating around and hoping something sticks. Then you go into these negative thoughts you can't shake off. This sounds more like some anxiety disorder. Please talk to a health professional so they can assess you.

[Sindy_0311]

On 5/3/2024 at 1:00 AM, HeartfeltDesire said:

It's a constant, nagging voice in the back of my mind, telling me that I'm just not cut out for this dating thing.

I sometimes have the same voice in my head, and I think many people on the dating scene has it… 

But then I remember that I’m single and will remain until I find someone good enough for me to not feel less worthy. 
I do have anxieties, but feeling better now. It comes and goes, I would call it more chronic depression. I take pills and have a psychotherapist whenever I need to. But lately I focus on accepting myself and realized that I’m enough. I have stopped beating myself up for not being like others (going out a lot, socializing easily etc…) Im 40 now and feel good having just a few good friends, my son, my job, my workout, and just staying home whenever I want to like an old lady. 
i still go on first dates twice a month to meet new men. Because I enjoy it. And if we don’t connect or they don’t like me, no harm done, I have almost no expectations at this point, but I don’t want to hide for the dating scene either… I think it’s a long process to find the right person, the one you will feel completely comfortable with… 

I think you are a smart person, you sound very sensitive and empathetic. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with you, maybe you are just ok, so treat your anxieties if they have a bad impact on your everyday life, but just relax and accept yourself for who you are and let time bring you your person…