my girlfriend hates my therapist

[AliasMcnutFace]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yeah, and good luck with that.

I think you're just having fun tinkering with strangers on the Internet.

 

fun? if you think that I had fun writing my original post you and me have different ideas of fun

[AliasMcnutFace]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If you can only try and not do it- that's a concerning path.  I'd tell your therapist all of this and see what the therapist says.

I can try AND do

once I get a new one 😕

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

 everyone started calling her a bad, toxic person. I just can't see her as that. I honestly thought that everyone would be mad at me for "choosing my therapist" over my girlfriend. so what everyone is saying is coming out of nowhere to me.

She's not a psychotic witch as I mentioned. It's just that you two don't get along and the biggest issue is camping at her place as "an escape", when you really should go home and brood or withdraw if you're in a bad or pensive mood.

No one is suggesting you choose between your mental health and a GF, but you need to consider how compatible you are as far as personalities  as well as start taking action and responsibility for your role as far as tuning out and creating competition and discord.

You can switch out GFs as much as you like, but until you fix your home situation and moods after therapy the problem will follow you around.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

how would you feel if you casually came on a website asking for advice about your supportive, loving, sensitive girlfriend who you rarely argue with that almost no one dislikes, and everyone started calling her a bad, toxic person

I would go back and re-read my own words about her, so that maybe I can understand why everyone is so concerned. 

You are in denial, in other words. Deep denial. If you genuinely think that changing therapists is going to fix this, you are being willfully naive. 

[boltnrun]

Ask yourself why she feels so threatened by this therapist. Is it out of concern for you? Or for herself?

[Vesna]

I’m wondering if part of the reason the OP’s girlfriend is threatened by his therapist is because she is female? I know there are other reasons at play here also like a need to control him, but I also wondered about jealousy. To the OP: How does your girlfriend act when you pay any attention to other females,  even in a platonic way? …Vesna

[mylolita]

I apologise OP but this scene from The Sopranos came to mind…! 
 

Is this how your girlfriend thinks it is? 🥲 

 

 

Sorry, I joke! 
 

It’s honestly up to you, how you come to the conclusion if a relationship works or not. I can see both sides to some extent. If someone is maybe easily influenced, a therapist with their degree hung on the wall and their subtle opinions could sway someone into a decision they wouldn’t have ultimately made on their own (like breaking up). You also have to remember psychologists are also human, they are flawed and not always correct. Most of them also come from failed marriages and are also in therapy themselves. I would actually want to know a brief background of any therapist I was going to see, if I was the type to see a therapist. 
 

I think you need to talk to your girlfriend and calmly tell her to not be threatened, but deliver your concerns and be really honest with where you’re at with her. You have to be honest and communicate to have your relationship work or move forward with anything in a good way. 
 

I would actually take therapy with a pinch of salt, and I would trust your own judgement more - about your girlfriend and your life in general. I think taking alone moments to sift things through in a solitary way by yourself is just as enlightening, or talking things through with a trusted family member or close friend, can be just as expansive. But above all, you need to talk with your girlfriend. 
 

A therapist can feel like the third wheel - sometimes. 
 

x

[mylolita]

Just as a sideline - I understand seeing a therapist (many different sub categories to the word therapist as well) can drive wedges between couples. 
 

I’m not saying this is correct or wrong but, you can see why it can happen. 
 

You’re having problems and issues within your relationship, and basically a stranger comes in and hears your partners deepest concerns and wishes, minus you. It’s like when the guy has a problem with this wife having a male best friend, and she’s crying on his shoulder and hearing all her deep concerns from inside her heart. Even if it’s helping, you can see why the husband may have an issue with that.

 

Personally, relationships that work and gel well - the couple work through problems together!!! That’s how you learn to navigate disputes from the big to small. Our therapists don’t live with us and as adults I feel people need to learn to get on and sail the course of their own lives. Everytime as a couple you have a fight, a bicker, a disagreement, and you work it through between yourselves - is a massive lesson learnt as a couple and a huge life lesson as well. Therapy in my opinion takes this away from the couple and makes it some solo event which, being in a couple is definitely not. It’s team work; as corny as that sounds. Team work for the majority of the time. 
 

With regards to relationship advice or life advice, I would rather talk to a 90 year old who has been happily married for 70 years. Proof is in the pudding for me. 
 

Whatever issues you have as a couple I believe should be worked out together - it will either bring you closer or push you away, then you’ll know. 
 

Also, a niche opinion but, I’ve been with my husband for 16 years and have 3 small children close together, and I’ll say there are a small number of problems and disagreements within relationships that simply cannot be worked out. No one is 100% compatible. I think therapy gives people this subtle hint that it can all be worked through and solved. There is no enlightened end game and no perfect harmony within a relationship to be found at the end of the therapy rainbow!

 

Apologies to therapists and psychologists everywhere 😆 

 

x

 

[Tinydance]

Dude, there are some very serious red flags here. I'm really surprised that you still don't quite see it. Even after basically every poster here said that this is not normal. Number one, it's literally not any of your girlfriend's business if and why you go to therapy. It's also none of her business what you talk about in therapy. You should be allowed to talk about whatever you want in therapy. She has no right either to know or to have any control what you're talking about in therapy. 

You having a female therapist is very different to you having a female friend. Your therapist isn't even actually in your life and you don't speak to her or see her outside of the therapy sessions. You have a client/therapist relationship, this is her job. It's no different to someone having an opposite gender boss at work. The relationship is (or should be anyway) professional.

If your girlfriend is jealous of your therapist, this is 100% HER problem. You have zero obligation to tell her what you say in therapy or to defend yourself in any way. Also she doesn't even know your therapist so calling her the "b" word is just her being jealous and possessive. By the way, being controlling and possessive isn't normal. It's not a cute, sweet thing as for some reason you seem to be really minimising it. 

Please wake up because your girlfriend's behaviours aren't normal.

[AliasMcnutFace]

19 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Ask yourself why she feels so threatened by this therapist. Is it out of concern for you? Or for herself?

my short answer to that question would be that it's out of concern for both of us

[AliasMcnutFace]

9 hours ago, Vesna said:

I’m wondering if part of the reason the OP’s girlfriend is threatened by his therapist is because she is female? I know there are other reasons at play here also like a need to control him, but I also wondered about jealousy. To the OP: How does your girlfriend act when you pay any attention to other females,  even in a platonic way? …Vesna

I thought about that too. she did suggest that I switch to a male therapist because women can be catty...whatever that means. im sure that's not the only reason that she wants me to have a male therapist.

there's nothing for her to be jealous or worried about though, so I don't know where those feelings of jealousy would be coming from. I actually would say that it's extremely hard for her to get jealous. majority of my friends are girls and it doesn't bother her.

now if a girl has the same qualities, physical features, quirks, and humor as her, she can feel a little threatened and jealous. but besides telling her that my therapist is funny and makes me laugh a lot, there's nothing that they have in common.

[AliasMcnutFace]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

I apologise OP but this scene from The Sopranos came to mind…! 
 

Is this how your girlfriend thinks it is? 🥲 

 

 

Sorry, I joke! 
 

It’s honestly up to you, how you come to the conclusion if a relationship works or not. I can see both sides to some extent. If someone is maybe easily influenced, a therapist with their degree hung on the wall and their subtle opinions could sway someone into a decision they wouldn’t have ultimately made on their own (like breaking up). You also have to remember psychologists are also human, they are flawed and not always correct. Most of them also come from failed marriages and are also in therapy themselves. I would actually want to know a brief background of any therapist I was going to see, if I was the type to see a therapist. 
 

I think you need to talk to your girlfriend and calmly tell her to not be threatened, but deliver your concerns and be really honest with where you’re at with her. You have to be honest and communicate to have your relationship work or move forward with anything in a good way. 
 

I would actually take therapy with a pinch of salt, and I would trust your own judgement more - about your girlfriend and your life in general. I think taking alone moments to sift things through in a solitary way by yourself is just as enlightening, or talking things through with a trusted family member or close friend, can be just as expansive. But above all, you need to talk with your girlfriend. 
 

A therapist can feel like the third wheel - sometimes. 
 

x

hahahahahaha maybe.
thank you for being more opened minded and seeing both sides. that's almost exactly how she feels. she wants me to make my own decisions and form my own thoughts without the opinion of outsiders. (ironic)

I told her that I always take everything that everyone says with a grain of salt because they've haven't lived my life. but she still thinks that even swift, subtle remarks from a therapist can cloud your judgement.

and while I agree, therapy (for me) is just for the heavier things that I can't deal with on my own or talk about with family members.

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

Just as a sideline - I understand seeing a therapist (many different sub categories to the word therapist as well) can drive wedges between couples. 
 

I’m not saying this is correct or wrong but, you can see why it can happen. 
 

You’re having problems and issues within your relationship, and basically a stranger comes in and hears your partners deepest concerns and wishes, minus you. It’s like when the guy has a problem with this wife having a male best friend, and she’s crying on his shoulder and hearing all her deep concerns from inside her heart. Even if it’s helping, you can see why the husband may have an issue with that.

 

Personally, relationships that work and gel well - the couple work through problems together!!! That’s how you learn to navigate disputes from the big to small. Our therapists don’t live with us and as adults I feel people need to learn to get on and sail the course of their own lives. Everytime as a couple you have a fight, a bicker, a disagreement, and you work it through between yourselves - is a massive lesson learnt as a couple and a huge life lesson as well. Therapy in my opinion takes this away from the couple and makes it some solo event which, being in a couple is definitely not. It’s team work; as corny as that sounds. Team work for the majority of the time. 
 

With regards to relationship advice or life advice, I would rather talk to a 90 year old who has been happily married for 70 years. Proof is in the pudding for me. 
 

Whatever issues you have as a couple I believe should be worked out together - it will either bring you closer or push you away, then you’ll know. 
 

Also, a niche opinion but, I’ve been with my husband for 16 years and have 3 small children close together, and I’ll say there are a small number of problems and disagreements within relationships that simply cannot be worked out. No one is 100% compatible. I think therapy gives people this subtle hint that it can all be worked through and solved. There is no enlightened end game and no perfect harmony within a relationship to be found at the end of the therapy rainbow!

 

Apologies to therapists and psychologists everywhere 😆 

 

x

 

Sorry but I respectfully disagree with your post. You said that if someone is easily influenced or suggestible, that the therapist could influence someone to break up with their partner. I've seen different therapists and in my experience they usually only go off what you tell them yourself.

I very highly doubt that a therapist would tell someone to break up with their partner for basically no reason. Therapists don't usually tell clients what to do. But even if they did, it would be because the client themselves indicated they're unhappy with their partner. It never makes sense to me when people blame the therapist. Nobody can make anyone do something they don't want to do. Also often people actually want the therapist to validate what they already feel anyway. E.g. They say they're unhappy with their partner, therapist agrees and they break up because that's what they want to do to begin with.

I don't think your analogy is the same that a therapist comes in and "your partner is crying on their shoulder." This isn't someone they met in a bar. It's a medically trained professional who has a client/therapist relationship with them.

Therapy isn't crying on someone's shoulder but it's working on your issues with a professional with a degree and training to help you work on them. So it's really different to crying on a friend's shoulder.

Above all the therapist actually gets paid a lot of money for it. They are essentially a stranger providing a service to you the same as a shop assistant would. They aren't in your life. Unless you're having an affair with your therapist, you don't actually talk to them or see them outside of therapy. And you basically don't know anything about them either except what they choose to put on Google. 

I don't think that couples only should work on issues together and that's all. Of course they should do that but there is nothing wrong with wanting to speak to a therapist either. Someone has the right to do therapy and their partner should be supportive about it. The partner doesn't need to know what is said in therapy. I did therapy and so did my partners and we didn't ask each other what was being said in the sessions. 

 

[Tinydance]

22 minutes ago, AliasMcnutFace said:

my short answer to that question would be that it's out of concern for both of us

Why is it actually a concern to her that you're seeing a therapist? Like, what's the problem?

[Batya33]

Please see all the red flags especially her irrational stereotypical nonsense about women being "catty" and especially in this professional context.  Is she an educated person -I mean not just academic -is she someone who's seen the world/wants to see the world -does she do cultural stuff, read or listen to content that expands her world in a genuine and smart way? Is she catty? Does she live her life too focused on cliches and assumptions and stereotypes in this negative way? 

I don't think therapists are motivated solely or mostly by money.  I'm sure many therapists provide free services too, or would - a good therapist is dedicated to their chosen profession and wants to make a contribution to a client for healing purposes.  There's no "stranger" about it - telling a non-professional random stranger personal stuff obviously might be a bad idea and  there's no promise it will be kept confidential. Or heard through a perspective of learning/insight that therapists do -for years and years.  If someone poo poos therapy as "paying someone to listen to you whine" that's just that person's ignorance.  

I went to my dermatologist for my annual skin check this past Friday and I noticed for the first time that one of the intake questions referred to a domestic violence screening.  I am not in that situation in the least but it was intriguing to me -I was so happy to see that there since my sense is most of the patients are female -or a larger portion?  - and obviously the doctor will see bruising or the like. 

I asked her about that part of the form and she explained that while she's not required to report evidence of domestic violence she feels that those questions might motivate a person in danger to share information so she can share resources/support etc. 

A therapist is the same -a professional providing a safe, confidential space to share what is going on and then the therapist can either help with their training or if needed for example refer you to get medication or see a different sort of therapist.  Showing a stranger your bruising -or your inner bruising - has a remote likelihood of leading to help or resolution.  And -doesn't  your girlfriend want you to resolve whatever hurts you have? In a safe way and with a professional? If it hurts that much has she come up with alternatives other than "I don't think you need therapy so stop".

[mylolita]

30 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Sorry but I respectfully disagree with your post. You said that if someone is easily influenced or suggestible, that the therapist could influence someone to break up with their partner. I've seen different therapists and in my experience they usually only go off what you tell them yourself.

I very highly doubt that a therapist would tell someone to break up with their partner for basically no reason. Therapists don't usually tell clients what to do. But even if they did, it would be because the client themselves indicated they're unhappy with their partner. It never makes sense to me when people blame the therapist. Nobody can make anyone do something they don't want to do. Also often people actually want the therapist to validate what they already feel anyway. E.g. They say they're unhappy with their partner, therapist agrees and they break up because that's what they want to do to begin with.

I don't think your analogy is the same that a therapist comes in and "your partner is crying on their shoulder." This isn't someone they met in a bar. It's a medically trained professional who has a client/therapist relationship with them.

Therapy isn't crying on someone's shoulder but it's working on your issues with a professional with a degree and training to help you work on them. So it's really different to crying on a friend's shoulder.

Above all the therapist actually gets paid a lot of money for it. They are essentially a stranger providing a service to you the same as a shop assistant would. They aren't in your life. Unless you're having an affair with your therapist, you don't actually talk to them or see them outside of therapy. And you basically don't know anything about them either except what they choose to put on Google. 

I don't think that couples only should work on issues together and that's all. Of course they should do that but there is nothing wrong with wanting to speak to a therapist either. Someone has the right to do therapy and their partner should be supportive about it. The partner doesn't need to know what is said in therapy. I did therapy and so did my partners and we didn't ask each other what was being said in the sessions. 

 

Hey Tiny! 
 

People can of course do what they want - but the problem lies when you’re in a partnership or relationship and the other isn’t happy with your choice. Then, therapy isn’t just a “I’m doing it regardless of how you feel”. Or, it can be, you can do things regardless of how your partner feels all the time, go do what you like, it’s “none of their business” but I have a feeling those types of relationships won’t last long! 
 

I am not completely against talking to a therapist, but it can get personal. They may not explicitly say “break up with your partner” but at the same time they may be critical (even in a constructive way) or may encourage behaviours that aren’t actually going to grow or foster a close relationship. My opinion is, not all therapists are created equal. Some can be quite detrimental to the client, even for other reasons not to do with relationship guidance. 
 

To me what you have is two people in a relationship that’s hit some bumps, and one person isn’t happy with the others actions (this action being, to go to regular therapy and discuss personal issues plus potentially relationship issues). That’s quite understandable in my opinion and if you love someone, you have to take their feelings into account as well as your own.

 

Mental health to me has become very trendy and something that is used as a trump card to drown out all else. It is important and vital, of course, but relationships sometimes take compromise and if the relationship is worth salvaging, couples have to work out what’s best for them on their own unique terms.

 

I know a psychologist personally, he is a neighbour, and he’s been divorced twice and has three different children to different women. He is a very distinguished psychotherapist but you wouldn’t catch me paying him £500 an hour to softly guide me through my relationship problems! 
 

I caveat - not all therapists or therapy is bad, but, it isn’t the bee all and end all to every problem. It doesn’t always help, is my point. And whether the OP wants to put his mental health and therapy sessions above what his partner wants I think is his prerogative. By the way, I personally think she is being too hot headed about this and there are probably potentially many other issues but, I can see why there has been arguments. 
 

x

[mylolita]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Please see all the red flags especially her irrational stereotypical nonsense about women being "catty" and especially in this professional context.  Is she an educated person -I mean not just academic -is she someone who's seen the world/wants to see the world -does she do cultural stuff, read or listen to content that expands her world in a genuine and smart way? Is she catty? Does she live her life too focused on cliches and assumptions and stereotypes in this negative way? 

I don't think therapists are motivated solely or mostly by money.  I'm sure many therapists provide free services too, or would - a good therapist is dedicated to their chosen profession and wants to make a contribution to a client for healing purposes.  There's no "stranger" about it - telling a non-professional random stranger personal stuff obviously might be a bad idea and  there's no promise it will be kept confidential. Or heard through a perspective of learning/insight that therapists do -for years and years.  If someone poo poos therapy as "paying someone to listen to you whine" that's just that person's ignorance.  

I went to my dermatologist for my annual skin check this past Friday and I noticed for the first time that one of the intake questions referred to a domestic violence screening.  I am not in that situation in the least but it was intriguing to me -I was so happy to see that there since my sense is most of the patients are female -or a larger portion?  - and obviously the doctor will see bruising or the like. 

I asked her about that part of the form and she explained that while she's not required to report evidence of domestic violence she feels that those questions might motivate a person in danger to share information so she can share resources/support etc. 

A therapist is the same -a professional providing a safe, confidential space to share what is going on and then the therapist can either help with their training or if needed for example refer you to get medication or see a different sort of therapist.  Showing a stranger your bruising -or your inner bruising - has a remote likelihood of leading to help or resolution.  And -doesn't  your girlfriend want you to resolve whatever hurts you have? In a safe way and with a professional? If it hurts that much has she come up with alternatives other than "I don't think you need therapy so stop".

Women can absolutely be catty and this, in my opinion, is a stereotype and generalisation for a reason! 
 

Has anyone ever had experience working in an all female environment?

 

Phew! Good luck! 
 

x

[Tinydance]

27 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Hey Tiny! 
 

People can of course do what they want - but the problem lies when you’re in a partnership or relationship and the other isn’t happy with your choice. Then, therapy isn’t just a “I’m doing it regardless of how you feel”. Or, it can be, you can do things regardless of how your partner feels all the time, go do what you like, it’s “none of their business” but I have a feeling those types of relationships won’t last long! 
 

I am not completely against talking to a therapist, but it can get personal. They may not explicitly say “break up with your partner” but at the same time they may be critical (even in a constructive way) or may encourage behaviours that aren’t actually going to grow or foster a close relationship. My opinion is, not all therapists are created equal. Some can be quite detrimental to the client, even for other reasons not to do with relationship guidance. 
 

To me what you have is two people in a relationship that’s hit some bumps, and one person isn’t happy with the others actions (this action being, to go to regular therapy and discuss personal issues plus potentially relationship issues). That’s quite understandable in my opinion and if you love someone, you have to take their feelings into account as well as your own.

 

Mental health to me has become very trendy and something that is used as a trump card to drown out all else. It is important and vital, of course, but relationships sometimes take compromise and if the relationship is worth salvaging, couples have to work out what’s best for them on their own unique terms.

 

I know a psychologist personally, he is a neighbour, and he’s been divorced twice and has three different children to different women. He is a very distinguished psychotherapist but you wouldn’t catch me paying him £500 an hour to softly guide me through my relationship problems! 
 

I caveat - not all therapists or therapy is bad, but, it isn’t the bee all and end all to every problem. It doesn’t always help, is my point. And whether the OP wants to put his mental health and therapy sessions above what his partner wants I think is his prerogative. By the way, I personally think she is being too hot headed about this and there are probably potentially many other issues but, I can see why there has been arguments. 
 

x

Sorry I'm really just confused by what you're saying. If someone isn't happy with their partners actions, there needs to be good reason for it, no? When we talk about people being controlling, it isn't your normal, socially acceptable behaviour. For example, let's say my partner's phone rings at 2:00 a.m. and it's an unknown woman calling. I'd have a right to question who is it and why is she calling. But if let's say my partner's female boss calls during the day and asks can he please fill in for someone at work tomorrow. And I get jealous and I'm like: "Why is your female boss calling you, are you having an affair??! Let me go through your phone." We call someone possessive or controlling only when that behaviour is out of the norm for the situation.

In my opinion here OP's girlfriend isn't actually reacting normally to him seeing a therapist. Therefore I don't think it's the same to say "she's not happy" with something he's doing and that he's "putting seeing the therapist above his girlfriend's feelings." If he was hanging out with another female he met at a party then yes you could say he's putting that female above his girlfriend. Here it's not a competition as the therapist is nobody to him, she's a professional and she’s not in his life. 

I feel like what you're saying is "pick your battles" and think about is it worth it to see the therapist over your girlfriend's feelings. That doesn't really make sense because the girlfriend's reactions aren't normal or valid. So why should he validate them? And this is exactly what being in a controlling or abusive relationship is - obeying and placating your partner even though they're not reasonable.

[Tinydance]

11 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Women can absolutely be catty and this, in my opinion, is a stereotype and generalisation for a reason! 
 

Has anyone ever had experience working in an all female environment?

 

Phew! Good luck! 
 

x

Sure, women *can* be catty. Men *can* be macho alpha. However, not all are. So to say "get a male therapist because women can be catty" when she doesn't even know the therapist is just projection and stereotyping. 

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Women can absolutely be catty and this, in my opinion, is a stereotype and generalisation for a reason! 
 

Has anyone ever had experience working in an all female environment?

 

Phew! Good luck! 
 

x

Yes, and that was not my experience.  Individual people can be catty.  I have many reasons why I think women are mislabeled this way and they're not pretty so to speak.  Been working full time a total of 18 years and part time 7 years.  Worked part time in all female environments during high school and college -so add on another 8 years.  Have worked in a huge array of environments.  I'm not a feminist and I hate that stereotype and its origins.  And I have tons and tons of indirect experience through my husband, friends, family friends, colleagues, former classmates, you name it. I can't stand that catty label and it really holds good people back and not just women.  Ick.

When my MIL passed away my husband - was grief stricken. Me too.  And it was so hard in the years before she passed.  We loved her so.  I encouraged him to seek out grief counseling through his employer (it's an employee assistance program -a fairly typical service).  He did not but it never ever occurred to me (1) to have any concerns about the gender of the counselor; or (2) what he would choose to share even if not directly related to the loss of his mom.  And as I wrote above I'd never have asked him about his sessions other than maybe "oh you had your session - hope it went ok!" - in my experience men can show more reluctance to seek counseling -he was not depressed in that sense but obviously it was a huge loss and her illness and our care for her and his role in it as an only child -I mean obviously I was there to support him and help.  And -I'm no professional!

[Tinydance]

I also want to add that OP said right from the start that girlfriend wasn't happy with him doing therapy. And she basically said that she didn't like that it was a woman. So at that stage she didn't know anything about this therapist, who she was, whether she was catty or b*tch. She had no idea. So to me this really seems like some kind of control or jealousy issue that was there to begin with.

I also think that jealousy is a natural feeling and we all experience it. It's probably also OK to say you feel jealous but you need to work on it. In life we're always surrounded by people of the opposite gender. So we just need to trust our partner that they won't do anything instead of trying to control their life.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I also want to add that OP said right from the start that girlfriend wasn't happy with him doing therapy. And she basically said that she didn't like that it was a woman. So at that stage she didn't know anything about this therapist, who she was, whether she was catty or b*tch. She had no idea. So to me this really seems like some kind of control or jealousy issue that was there to begin with.

I also think that jealousy is a natural feeling and we all experience it. It's probably also OK to say you feel jealous but you need to work on it. In life we're always surrounded by people of the opposite gender. So we just need to trust our partner that they won't do anything instead of trying to control their life.

And sure there are exceptions.  If a professional is a bad apple whether a therapist or medical doctor it's totally fine for the partner to speak up if something seems off.  Whether it's about a female who was unprofessionally flirtatious or giving medical or mental health advice that seems way out of bounds -sometimes the objective outsider can see  that better than the patient. 

When I was 10 we went to family therapy a few times. I liked going because afterwards we would go to a yummy restaurant lol.  The doctor -a stern looking man - responded to me when I described one of my family members as "crazy" - he corrected me and said something didactic like "we don't use that language -we say "neurotic"" or some 10 dollar term. I said right to him "we're paying you ___/hour and I'll say what I feel."  I stand by that 47 years later and if my partner hypothetically told me that his therapist was trying to control the words he used in that harsh way I'd be concerned too!

[Tinydance]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

And sure there are exceptions.  If a professional is a bad apple whether a therapist or medical doctor it's totally fine for the partner to speak up if something seems off.  Whether it's about a female who was unprofessionally flirtatious or giving medical or mental health advice that seems way out of bounds -sometimes the objective outsider can see  that better than the patient. 

When I was 10 we went to family therapy a few times. I liked going because afterwards we would go to a yummy restaurant lol.  The doctor -a stern looking man - responded to me when I described one of my family members as "crazy" - he corrected me and said something didactic like "we don't use that language -we say "neurotic"" or some 10 dollar term. I said right to him "we're paying you ___/hour and I'll say what I feel."  I stand by that 47 years later and if my partner hypothetically told me that his therapist was trying to control the words he used in that harsh way I'd be concerned too!

I agree if the therapist seemed inappropriate or unprofessional in any way then that's different. I was getting the impression from OP's post that right from the start she didn't want him to go to therapy and she also didn't want the therapist to be female. I didn't see anything written in the post that the therapist had actually done anything wrong.

In my opinion your partner also doesn't have a right to ask what you talked about in therapy. The whole point of therapy is it's meant to be confidential. If your partner required you to tell them everything you said in therapy every single time, it completely defeats the purpose. Therapy is meant to be a confidential and safe space. It’s absurd that his girlfriend basically demands and forces him to tell her what he discusses in therapy and gets angry if he doesn't tell her. She has no right to know what is being discussed unless he's threatening to harm himself or other people.

[mylolita]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, and that was not my experience.  Individual people can be catty.  I have many reasons why I think women are mislabeled this way and they're not pretty so to speak.  Been working full time a total of 18 years and part time 7 years.  Worked part time in all female environments during high school and college -so add on another 8 years.  Have worked in a huge array of environments.  I'm not a feminist and I hate that stereotype and its origins.  And I have tons and tons of indirect experience through my husband, friends, family friends, colleagues, former classmates, you name it. I can't stand that catty label and it really holds good people back and not just women.  Ick.

When my MIL passed away my husband - was grief stricken. Me too.  And it was so hard in the years before she passed.  We loved her so.  I encouraged him to seek out grief counseling through his employer (it's an employee assistance program -a fairly typical service).  He did not but it never ever occurred to me (1) to have any concerns about the gender of the counselor; or (2) what he would choose to share even if not directly related to the loss of his mom.  And as I wrote above I'd never have asked him about his sessions other than maybe "oh you had your session - hope it went ok!" - in my experience men can show more reluctance to seek counseling -he was not depressed in that sense but obviously it was a huge loss and her illness and our care for her and his role in it as an only child -I mean obviously I was there to support him and help.  And -I'm no professional!

I have also worked with women and in a few all female environments ! Worked from the age of 14 till I was 26. Included - retail and fashion - window dressing. Cocktail waitressing/bar maid. Self employed maid/cleaning service. Estate agent. Legal admin/legal secretarial work. Medical receptionist/medical secretary. Librarian. Stripper/lapdancer/pole dancer!) and I have to say, I much preferred working with men!!!
 

Sorry to be off topic but I feel I must add as a general observation - why can be stereotype and generalise in a positive way (“black men are mostly athletic/Italian women are stylish/French are great chefs”) but when it is a negative stereotype, it’s not allowed? It doesn’t make it generally any less true as a whole.

 

I take everyone on an individual basis, but when accounting for millions and billions of people, you have to generalise and stereotype and it’s not illogical or bigoted to do so!

 

A female psychologist could be catty. It’s not out of the realms of possibilities! The thing is, the OP’s girlfriend will never know because likelyhood is, unless it turns into couples therapy, she will never meet her, so his therapist will be a complete stranger to her.

 

Again, I am not saying all therapy and all therapists are bad but, I feel she has an essence of a point and grounds for legit concern, for sure! 
 

x

 

 

 

[mylolita]

44 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Sure, women *can* be catty. Men *can* be macho alpha. However, not all are. So to say "get a male therapist because women can be catty" when she doesn't even know the therapist is just projection and stereotyping. 

I never said that! Generalising is realising it’s a “general” rule not an absolute rule. That’s surely what generally or generalising means! Unless I’m not in the same English language here! 
 

She doesn’t know her at all which I think is part of her concern/problem.

 

Maybe what would help the OP and his girlfriend would be for the OP to still have a private session with his therapist and then if she does offer a couples counselling, maybe do that together alongside the individual therapy. Or, alternatively seek couples therapy together with a different therapist they are both comfortable with.

 

I sometimes find when someone is in therapy, they are hailed as always right, because they are seen as a victim who needs help, and anyone who says anything alternative (like his girlfriend) is instantly cut down and deemed possessive, jealous, or anything else. She actually may be all of those things, but I think her concerns have a right to also be heard and I would personally have the couple discuss this calmly between themselves and try to come up with a reasonable compromise that works (that might be a new therapist, couples therapy, or another therapeutic method to manage mental health like yoga, or other forms of alternative medicine, or regular exercise or journalling - anything).

 

Basically, she may be in the wrong, I don’t know them, but in my opinion she has a right to concern and to not like it, and not be dismissed and told “it’s none of your business” because, it is really, whilst they are in a relationship.

 

x