Need advice

[chooselife92]

Need some advice ladies - 
Quick back story - 
In a very happy & strong relationship the last 10 years, engaged 3. Never had any insecurities or intruding thoughts about another woman.
I went home for Xmas and my partner didn't want to go (family issues) so went on trip with our friends instead (no big deal) 

However, I had two horrible nightmares about him cheating with a mutual friend and now my head is in the pits of dispare. Never had these emotions before. I woke up with my woman's intuition screaming at me. And I can't let it go
.
What triggered the nightmares - 
This mutual friend (who is extremely flirty) sent me a photo of them up snowboarding with her in his arms, like a proper couple photo. (Like how you walk into the honeymoon suite her in his arms.. Bit of weird move or am I over thinking like crazy?) 
I brought it up with him that I think she's a bit to flirty and he needs to stop entertaining it cause it was eating me alive and he told me I had nothing to ever worry about and he enjoys her company thats it.
But I can't drop it, it still hasn't left my mind 😔 there's lots of couples in our group and she's not as flirty with the other partners so am I ridiculous for thinking back off my man?! 
Any advice how to let it go? I miss living in bliss and hate this feeling!! Should I bring it up one more time and tell him the photo is what triggered all this? 
Any advice welcome 🙏

[Batya33]

Are you friendly with her? Do you trust him? Also why are you engaged for 3 years- not married?

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, chooselife92 said:

.I went home for Xmas and my partner didn't want to go (family issues) so went on trip with our friends instead.I brought it up with him that I think she's a bit to flirty and he needs to stop entertaining it cause it was eating me alive and he told me I had nothing to ever worry about and he enjoys her company thats it.

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? How old is he? How is the relationship otherwise? Have there been incidents of inappropriate behavior? What are the family issues and reasons for separate vacations? 

Your BF is the issue, not the friend. She openly posted pics, but with your BF getting a little too cozy. He seemed to lap up the female attention. 

[chooselife92]

Saving for wedding, getting married next year. Live together 10 years. Both have mutual opposite sex friendship relationships that never bothered me. We've know this girl maybe 3 years. Its just since I had those stupid nightmares after the photo got sent to me that my mind had been going nuts. I'm afraid if I bring the photo up he will think I'm crazy and start resenting me for all of a sudden not trusting them 

[Andrina]

10 minutes ago, chooselife92 said:

I brought it up with him that I think she's a bit to flirty and he needs to stop entertaining it cause it was eating me alive and he told me I had nothing to ever worry about and he enjoys her company thats it.

So he cares more about letting the enjoyment of her company continue on with touchy/feely behavior at the expense of your feelings?

IMO, a decent man would honor a reasonable request by his gf in situations like this and put a stop to any inappropriate attention from other women in the future . An intelligent, ethical man would've never allowed the behavior in the first place.

Is the normal dynamic of the whole group that people hang all over each other and sit on each other's laps? You mention that she's been flirtier with him than all the other guys in the other couples. How long has this been going on and why is she your friend when she's crossed this line?

Perhaps it's good you haven't yet married. This is an important relationship boundary you two don't agree on which is paramount. You shouldn't be with someone if they don't match you in relationship rules like this.

[ShySoul]

What is he like around her? Does he flirt back or is it more polite, friendly laughter? 

As a male, if I was with someone for ten years that would indicate I have really strong feelings for them and wouldn't be interested in someone else. I might be flattered by the attention, but wouldn't take it seriously. That could lead me to humor her and do something fun and silly as a friend, such as the picure you describe. But as I love the person I'm with, that's as far as it would go.

You aren't being ridiculous for being annoyed with her. Some people don't respect boundaries and act inappropriately, Sounds like that's her. She should back off and show you and the relationship more respect. If she won't, then I question how much of a friend she is.

As for him, it depends on how he is reacting to your concern. When he said it was nothing, did he say it with love and understanding? Did he try to comfort and reassure you? Or was it done as a dismissal? If it is still bothering you, then talk to him. He should be willing to listen and work through this with you.

Again, you've been together for ten years. There is a reason. You both care for each other. So communicate and work things through. That's what couples do. Your feelings are valid and deserve attention, so give them attention together.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, chooselife92 said:

Saving for wedding, getting married next year. Live together 10 years. Both have mutual opposite sex friendship relationships that never bothered me. We've know this girl maybe 3 years. Its just since I had those stupid nightmares after the photo got sent to me that my mind had been going nuts. I'm afraid if I bring the photo up he will think I'm crazy and start resenting me for all of a sudden not trusting them 

Oh I see you wanted a wedding reception that costs $$ - does this have to do with the wedding date being much closer now?

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Andrina said:

So he cares more about letting the enjoyment of her company continue on with touchy/feely behavior at the expense of your feelings?

IMO, a decent man would honor a reasonable request by his gf in situations like this and put a stop to any inappropriate attention from other women in the future . An intelligent, ethical man would've never allowed the behavior in the first place.

Is the normal dynamic of the whole group that people hang all over each other and sit on each other's laps? You mention that she's been flirtier with him than all the other guys in the other couples. How long has this been going on and why is she your friend when she's crossed this line?

Perhaps it's good you haven't yet married. This is an important relationship boundary you two don't agree on which is paramount. You shouldn't be with someone if they don't match you in relationship rules like this.

I agree with this -all you are asking is that he not let her drape herself all over him.  

[ShySoul]

14 minutes ago, chooselife92 said:

I'm afraid if I bring the photo up he will think I'm crazy and start resenting me for all of a sudden not trusting them

A person is who they've always been in the relationship. Does he make you feel that way often? If so, there are other concerns in the relationship. No one should make a person feel uncomfortable like that. If not, then why would this be the thing that sets him off? If he usually approaches things with compassion and understanding, odd are he will now.

Also, do we know what the circumstances around the picture was? I can think of innocent explanations - a joke or prank, a bet, alcohol fueled silliness. Yes, it wasn't wise and probably shouldn't have been done in the first place. But there doesn't have to be ulterior motives and secret agendas.

[chooselife92]

Thank you for your male perspective, I really appreciate it and needed it. 

When I brought it up I felt he handled it so well, he said nothing has or ever will happen and they're just friends and sorry he didn't realize he was entertaining her flirting. And if I think any other woman is ever being too forward to let him know and he'll shut that *** down! 

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and move on but then why won't it leave my head?! Should I let him know the photo is what triggered all this? Or just leave it and if something else happens then bring it up? 

 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, chooselife92 said:

Thank you for your male perspective, I really appreciate it and needed it. 

When I brought it up I felt he handled it so well, he said nothing has or ever will happen and they're just friends and sorry he didn't realize he was entertaining her flirting. And if I think any other woman is ever being too forward to let him know and he'll shut that *** down! 

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and move on but then why won't it leave my head?! Should I let him know the photo is what triggered all this? Or just leave it and if something else happens then bring it up? 

 

For context I would explain it was the photo.  I would never intentionally take a photo with a man who was in a relationship that made it look like we were a couple unless our SOs were right there and suggested it for some reason - then no surprises.  I've been in situations in person when a woman is too -friendly-to my husband but I can tell it's all her and my husband doesn't encourage it at all -sometimes it's awkward to distance oneself in the moment. When I was early pregnant we were at a wedding with a lot of people who did swing dancing together -who we did not know.  I

went to the ladies room and was gone quite awhile because of pregnancy issues (no nothing gross!).  By the time I got back this woman was dancing with my SO -when he saw me I think he left her and said  to me that she asked him to dance -he said no his GF wouldn't like it and she was in the restroom. 

The woman was pushy and said it's swing dancing so everyone switches partners etc. He didn't want to make a scene so he did.  I trusted him completely. As for her I made sure to give her the evil eye every chance I could and I might have oopsie bumped into her if I remember correctly.  Thing is -I've always trusted my then bf/now husband completely -so if he said that's what happened, that's what happened. 

We each have opposite sex platonic friends and always have.  He is around attractive women regularly, he travels for work regularly - and I never worry about such things.  It's all about trust.  See if you can figure out if something else has changed in your life that's made you feel particularly insecure.  

[ShySoul]

Feelings aren't always logical. Even if you know things are fine and trust him, there can still be that bit of doubt in your mind. And there is still the unanswered question of what they were thinking with the picture in the first place. You can't always control the thoughts that enter your head and once they get there, it's hell to get rid of them. So don't feel bad about how you feel. It's natural. If you feel something, that's just how you feel and it's valid. The important thing is to figure out how to process and deal with it.

If it continues to bother you, bring it up. He has already been understanding once, chances are he will again. I've had many conversations with women on topics that felt unsure about and I've always tried to reassure them and support them. A good guy will. I'm also sure there have been times I've done or said things that could be considered flirting, even though in my mind it was harmless fun with a friend. But if she was uncomfortable, then I made sure to stop as soon as I was aware of her feelings. I think your guy will be just as understanding.

Best of luck.

[chooselife92]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

For context I would explain it was the photo.  I would never intentionally take a photo with a man who was in a relationship that made it look like we were a couple unless our SOs were right there and suggested it for some reason - then no surprises.  I've been in situations in person when a woman is too -friendly-to my husband but I can tell it's all her and my husband doesn't encourage it at all -sometimes it's awkward to distance oneself in the moment. When I was early pregnant we were at a wedding with a lot of people who did swing dancing together -who we did not know.  I

went to the ladies room and was gone quite awhile because of pregnancy issues (no nothing gross!).  By the time I got back this woman was dancing with my SO -when he saw me I think he left her and said  to me that she asked him to dance -he said no his GF wouldn't like it and she was in the restroom. 

The woman was pushy and said it's swing dancing so everyone switches partners etc. He didn't want to make a scene so he did.  I trusted him completely. As for her I made sure to give her the evil eye every chance I could and I might have oopsie bumped into her if I remember correctly.  Thing is -I've always trusted my then bf/now husband completely -so if he said that's what happened, that's what happened. 

We each have opposite sex platonic friends and always have.  He is around attractive women regularly, he travels for work regularly - and I never worry about such things.  It's all about trust.  See if you can figure out if something else has changed in your life that's made you feel particularly insecure.  

Thank you so much for your honest answer! I really appreciate you sharing your relationship advice too! 

Thats the thing, I've always completely trusted him and still do and believe him when he said if it happens again ill shut it down. 

I think its just these new feelings of emotion that I'm not used to dealing with! I should probably just let it go and stop over thinking but damn its hard 

[chooselife92]

10 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Feelings aren't always logical. Even if you know things are fine and trust him, there can still be that bit of doubt in your mind. And there is still the unanswered question of what they were thinking with the picture in the first place. You can't always control the thoughts that enter your head and once they get there, it's hell to get rid of them. So don't feel bad about how you feel. It's natural. If you feel something, that's just how you feel and it's valid. The important thing is to figure out how to process and deal with it.

If it continues to bother you, bring it up. He has already been understanding once, chances are he will again. I've had many conversations with women on topics that felt unsure about and I've always tried to reassure them and support them. A good guy will. I'm also sure there have been times I've done or said things that could be considered flirting, even though in my mind it was harmless fun with a friend. But if she was uncomfortable, then I made sure to stop as soon as I was aware of her feelings. I think your guy will be just as understanding.

Best of luck.

Thank you so much, you've really calmed my mind down! I've always trusted him and I do think the photo was more than likely completely harmless, its just once that bad thought came in I've been stuck on it since! 

I know i just need to let this go and if it makes me uncomfortable again ill mention it

Thank you again 

 

[Batya33]

What stage is the wedding planning?  Did you recently make more definite plans? I'm wondering if there's something else going on that is triggering this level of intensity and focus..  Are you feeling physically ok and sleeping enough etc?

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, chooselife92 said:

Both have mutual opposite sex friendship relationships that never bothered me. We've know this girl maybe 3 years. Its just since I had those stupid nightmares after the photo got sent to me that my mind had been going nuts. 

It's a shame that you allow your dreams/nightmares to control your waking thoughts and ultimately your actions by "telling him" to stop enjoying his interaction with a mutual friend you've both known for three years.

I disagree that he should have acquiesced to your demand based on a dream you had due to what amounts to your own insecurities.

It's up to you to manage your emotions and jealousy about this whether based on a dream or something else.

Again it was a dream. NOT reality.

Do you trust him?  That's what this all comes down to.

I too have had lots of lucid dreams/nightmares that seem real.  If I allowed them to control my waking thoughts and control my actions to the point I'm making demands on my partners or anyone to stop doing something based on a dream I've had, we'd all be in the loony bin.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

IMO, a decent man would honor a reasonable request by his gf in situations like this...

Her demand (she didn't ask him to stop, she told him to stop) was based on a dream though, how is that "reasonable"?

It's a serious question, not rhetorical.  And I'm open to hearing why anyone would think it's reasonable.

What am I missing? 

 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Her demand (she didn't ask him to stop, she told him to stop) was based on a dream though, how is that "reasonable"?

It was based on a real photo of them together, which then triggered bad dreams (if I am understanding this correctly)

Her request that he not entertain her flirting was based on him scooping her up in his arms for this photo. So, what she's requesting is that he not touch her like that again. The nightmares were a by-product of a real situation.

I think. OP, can you confirm? 

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Her demand (she didn't ask him to stop, she told him to stop) was based on a dream though, how is that "reasonable"?

It's a serious question, not rhetorical.  And I'm open to hearing why anyone would think it's reasonable.

What am I missing? 

What was it that triggered the dream though? He took a questionable photo with another woman, one where he is apparently holding her as one would hold a bride. I would think it's understandable that such a picture would cause her to at least be confused and have some doubts. Add in that this women has been heavily flirting with her man, and it's not surprising that she might be troubled enough for things to manifest itself in a dream.

I do think this might have triggered some insecurities within her. And demanding that he not be around the women at all might be taking it too far. But her concerns are grounded on an actual event.

It's not that he should acquiesce to her demand. It's that he should be sensitive towards her feelings. If something is bothering her and she is upset, then he should talk with her and try to calm her fears or insecurities, which he apparently did. They should handle it together. I'd say the same if the roles were reveresed and he was the one feeling insecure about something. They would need to talk and she should be the one to help calm him.

Yes, we are responsible for our own feelings. But the benefit of being in a relationship is that we don't have to do that all on our own. You lean on each other to help you deal with the insecurities we all have and the traumas that life brings.

[Kwothe28]

This you OP? 😆

Its an interesting phenomenon. Because it apparently happens so much it sparked a very popular relationship meme of how women get mad because you cheated on them in their dreams lol

Anyway, I dont believe they would send you a photo if they would try something. Cheaters are notorious for hiding their tracks and being paranoid not to be discovered. However, I do believe your feelings are valid and that you are right for telling him that you are uncomfortable with such photos and displaying. Its important to draw a line. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@Kwothe28where did you find that meme? Lol

It's so perfect for this thread!

I didn't know whether to give it a "laughing" emoji or a "like" but decided on the like. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It was based on a real photo of them together, which then triggered bad dreams (if I am understanding this correctly)

Her request that he not entertain her flirting was based on him scooping her up in his arms for this photo. So, what she's requesting is that he not touch her like that again. The nightmares were a by-product of a real situation.

I think. OP, can you confirm? 

I see.  Okay fair enough, thanks! 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Kwothe28where did you find that meme? Lol

It's so perfect for this thread!

Its a very popular meme, it has many variations. Which, again, means it happens very often for it to be a meme in the first place. One other example is "Would you love me if I was a worm?" Where do you women even read such questions to ask lol

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Would you love me if I was a worm?"

Never read that one.  I don't even get it!  I mean a worm?

I feel out of the loop!  Lol

I wonder if OP will return?  She may have decided to let it go and trust her fiancé.

Anyway if you're reading OP, wishing you all the best! 

 

 

[catfeeder]

I wouldn’t double up on this convo given that you are happy with his response. I’d wait and see how he handles future interactions. If his behavior confirms his response, you’ll likely thank yourself for not raising it again.

You’ve already put him on notice of your feelings. Credit him with getting it unless he gives you a reason not to.