should i break up from a healthy relationship? me 28F / bf 30M

[jfukimoto21]

Currently in a relationship with a man that I met on hinge about ~1 year ago and have been dating exclusively since. The relationship has been nothing but positive and he is definitely a kind, caring man. We seldom argue if ever and generally things are smooth - we get along and have personalities that mesh well. There is good chemistry and this is probably the most healthy relationship I have ever been in given the strong communication and respect between us.

However there are a few aspects that have been nagging at me and I am not sure what to do, whether to continue in the relationship or cut ties now before it is too serious (with a possibility to remain friends in the future?)

For background, he works in education as an administrator from 9-5 and I work in finance (e.g. private equity) and make 4x his annual salary with a completely different earnings trajectory. I generally like what I do and want to continue in this career to make more money but he seems to be content with his job and not as ambitious, which is fine, but if we were to get married, I would certainly become the primary breadwinner which I feel puts a lot of stress on me to continue to do what I do. He doesn't have any debt or anything like that, and is acutely aware of the financial divide between us.

Also, my heritage is Japanese, while he is White and my parents are quite traditionally minded (would prefer me to marry within Asian culture although not a firm request) and have brought up the point that we might have troubles to align on ambitions, finances and upbringing of children in the future given discrepancy in our lifestyles that could continue to grow.

Additionally, we would be doing long distance for the next 2-3 years as I have accepted a job contract in a different state that pays significantly more / better conditions. This is an inflection point in my life and our relationship, whether to stick it out or not. He is OK with this but wants me to return to the current city we live in after I complete the contract.

He seems to be more longer term minded (thinking about marriage, future life together) but I don't think I'm quite there yet. I might be able to get there in the future but a lot of the decision making / leading in the relationship is on my plate, given the disparity in income and traditional role of the woman being the homemaker (and also breadwinner in this case).

Any good thoughts / advice for someone in my situation and how to think about it before making any decisions? Should I "go back into the dating pool" or hang in there? If we were to break up, how to approach this empathetically?

TLDR: in a great relationship but there are financial and cultural differences between us, how to approach?

 

 

 

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[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, j***imoto21 said:

 we might have troubles to align on ambitions, finances and upbringing of children in the future given discrepancy in our lifestyles that could continue to grow.Additionally, we would be doing long distance for the next 2-3 years as I have accepted a job contract in a different state 

Sorry this is happening. It's a difficult decision. However between the cultural, financial and other incompatibilities, you may want to consider setting each other free. Add to this the long distance and the relationship may fall apart naturally. Please don't try to be friends. When are you moving out of state? Perhaps that would be a good time to cut your losses? 

[yogacat]

Well you have two options.

Hope he gets a high paying job and basically strive to bridge the financial gap, or find someone pursuing a similarly high position.

What happens if he doesn't and you guys have a family down the line? Those are heart-wrenching differences in situations, especially when children are thrown into the mix. What if you were to be the primary bread winner and if something happened to you... (not to be rash) but then what?

It seems that your earning potential has created quite the situation for you relationship wise. But, finances impacts a large portion of marriages. 

The last thing you want is to place yourself in a position where you're on his case and you don't trust him to succeed. Do you trust him to be the breadwinner down the road? An issue I could see arising is resentment. As in, you making 4x his amount for years on end.

It's small gaps like this that can do quite a number on a marriage. But I urge you heavily to think about potential issues down the road... not the present because if he doesn't progress how you want then it's just really hard. 

I'm not saying to leave the relationship but if you have to raise the issue of finances... that's a hard world to exist in.

It seems like you have a candid problem on your hands. Your parents aren't going to be in this relationship, its all going to be up to you.

Tough cookie. Good luck.

[Batya33]

Why do you think he's not ambitious? Because of his salary (educational administration typically pays less than private finance) or because he doesn't want to move up within his organization? Is he passionate about stuff outside of work -activities or volunteer work? I'd assume that  yes you would be the primary breadwinner and if that is not ok with  you in a dealbreaker sense I'd end it now. Also why is it bothering you now but didn't bother you a year ago or even 6 months ago?

[jfukimoto21]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you think he's not ambitious? Because of his salary (educational administration typically pays less than private finance) or because he doesn't want to move up within his organization? Is he passionate about stuff outside of work -activities or volunteer work? I'd assume that  yes you would be the primary breadwinner and if that is not ok with  you in a dealbreaker sense I'd end it now. Also why is it bothering you now but didn't bother you a year ago or even 6 months ago?

It is a mix of salary and career experiences / education - he studied theatre / music in college and has been working primarily administrative jobs and the pay ceiling is low. It didn't bother me when we first met but realizing now as we make decisions about bigger life decisions (eg international travel together, moving to a different city), the finances start to rear its head more.  

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, j***imoto21 said:

It is a mix of salary and career experiences / education - he studied theatre / music in college and has been working primarily administrative jobs and the pay ceiling is low. It didn't bother me when we first met but realizing now as we make decisions about bigger life decisions (eg international travel together, moving to a different city), the finances start to rear its head more.  

I'm 57.  Highly ambitious -so is my husband.  We've both had successful careers and after 5 years in an insanely high paying career - very similar to your high paying industry - he switched to a lower paying field that is also very prestigious - but not lower paying in any dramatic way meaning if needed he can be the primary provider with no issues. I am thrilled he switched -he followed his passion and he's highly ambitious. 

 I switched after 15 years to a career as a full time mom -meaning - zero pay -and I was very ambitious at it in the 7 years I did it and never returned to the intense, competitive, crazy hours high paying career -I was 50 when I returned to my former career but in a part time capacity.  My point is I'd look more at his values and his drive to determine ambition. It sounds like what you mean by ambition is a desire to advance in order to make the big $$$. 

That is not him -not now and assume -not ever- I know of one couple where she told him -I'm not marrying a classroom teacher (this was in the 1960s) so he became a doctor despite his love of teaching.  Made a lot of $$.  For them it worked -they've been married oh 60 years or so - but I think it's rare that a person will change their whole career trajectory as an adult especially in order to conform to your notion of "ambition" meaning -mostly the salary. 

He might -but he'll be miserable don't you think? Now is the time to decide your musts -and it's ok if others might find it "shallow" etc - my take on you is you like your high flying $$$$ career but at some point want to be able to be a full time mom with a husband who makes enough so even if you don't sock away $ now it's ok,  I socked away $$ for 11 years while I was single (after I paid off my grad school loans) in case I married someone who couldn't be the sole provider - because I knew I wanted to be home much longer than maternity leave.  So it wasn't needed but I enjoyed contributing to the household income from my nest egg and obviously it's good as a woman to have that nest egg just in case.

Those are my thoughts.  IMHO!!

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, j***imoto21 said:

He seems to be more longer term minded (thinking about marriage, future life together) but I don't think I'm quite there yet.

That's something major that needs to match. He will be left frustrated and up in the air about no set time this will happen, and you will feel pressured.

Just the fact that you're considering breaking up means you're just not into him enough for him to be your lifetime partner. 

Otherwise, you'd be  thinking how to live within lower means, as to what he can afford plus an equal contribution by you, while you could invest the excess to be building a portfolio. And you'd also be coming up with a timeline on when to build a family, and how childcare would be handled.

You list a far larger list of cons than pros. That's very telling and should sway your decision to end things.

[catfeeder]

I would gently break up, and no, I would not attempt to be friends. That's too messy and would interfere with the natural course of progression to new relationships for each of you.

I understand there's nothing wrong with the guy, and the two of you are intelligent enough to have made this work in the future but for two crucial deal breakers. First, years of long distance, and second, despite all the kindness and niceness, you never said that you truly love this man.

Lots of people get along well. That's great for neighbors and friends, but it doesn't make a strong enough foundation to overcome all of your incompatibilities with this man. Go work your great career, you've earned that. Hold out for love, you deserve that.

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, j***imoto21 said:

The relationship has been nothing but positive and he is definitely a kind, caring man. We seldom argue if ever and generally things are smooth - we get along and have personalities that mesh well. There is good chemistry and this is probably the most healthy relationship I have ever been in given the strong communication and respect between us.

These are the qualities that make a relationship last and worth keeping. Finding that connection is rare. If you give this up now, how confident are you that you can find someone else who would fit all the criteria you've listed? 

The issues you've listed are reasonable concerns, but ones I believe can be worked out if both parties are willing to put in the time and effort to address it. They don't have to be deal breakers.

Plenty of couples deal with gaps in salary, even with the woman making more. As long as you have enough to support yourself, money shouldn't be the deciding factor of a relationship. It's more important that each person is happy in their job and doing what they love. That's better then putting the focus on paychecks and bank accounts and growing to resent each other because of it.

You are also not your parents. This is not your parents relationship. It is about what you and him want from the relationship, no one else. Yes, you might not align in some matters. No couples ever align perfectly. But couples work together and compromise. There will be troubles, but you can work through them when they come. Do you want to end things now over potential problems that haven't happened yet?

Long distance relationships can work out. I've known married couples who have lived in different states for an extended period of time. They found a way to stay together. 

The thing with long term thinkers is that they are willing to wait the long term. He is probably perfectly fine waiting as long as you need to figure out what you want. He is probably also fine with making decisions and leading at times. No one has to lead in a relationship, it can be 50/50. You can take the lead in some cases and he can pick up the lead in others. It all depends on your relationship and what you work out together.

In the end, don't overthink it. Follow your heart. Do you want to be with this person? Do you love them? If so, stay together. You will find a way to handle anything that comes up. If your heart isn't in it, then don't be together. Everything else is a distraction. Just go with what you feel inside is right for you.

[Kwothe28]

You already asked the question here. I believe you and him are from New York and the job is in California.

And you are already been told its not going to work. Too much of a difference on big issues. Sometimes it doesnt matter that the relationship is healthy. When it wouldnt work in long-term and both parties wouldnt be happy.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You already asked the question here. I believe you and him are from New York and the job is in California.

And you are already been told its not going to work. Too much of a difference on big issues. Sometimes it doesnt matter that the relationship is healthy. When it wouldnt work in long-term and both parties wouldnt be happy.

I agree, you can keep asking, but if you don’t even love the guy enough to mention that as your number one priority for wanting this to work, then why would you even want to put your love life on hold for him for 2 years?

You could move for the job and meet the love of your life. You’d be free to spend the next 2 years working at a job you love without being tethered to someone you’re not even passionate about.

These are years you will never get back to relive over again. If you want to spend them tied to someone who doesn’t even meet your criteria on a spreadsheet, you can do that, but if you don’t hold the emotional love for him to balance that out, what’s the point?

Do you fear that this is the only man in the whole world who could ever love you?

[boltnrun]

What would happen if you get to California and meet a high powered career man who meets all of your desired criteria? Do you truly feel you'd resist being attracted to him because you have this other guy back at your previous home?

If someone has to fundamentally change to be right for you, they're wrong for you. And that goes both ways. 

[catfeeder]

31 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What would happen if you get to California and meet a high powered career man who meets all of your desired criteria? Do you truly feel you'd resist being attracted to him because you have this other guy back at your previous home?

If someone has to fundamentally change to be right for you, they're wrong for you. And that goes both ways. 

Yes! And, this doesn’t make anyone ‘wrong’ or’bad’ or a villain to recognize the incompatibilities and part ways. Most people are just not our match, and those are natural odds.

Would you want to spend the rest of your life feeling envious of other couples who are expressly happy and in love?

Are you afraid to hold out for that?

[smackie9]

This why we date...to see how they fit into our lives, mentally, emotionally, and financially, now and into the future. You discovered there's incompatibility with expectations. So what if they are a wonderful person...well there's plenty of wonderful people, doesn't mean you have to marry them just for that. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 4/25/2024 at 2:51 PM, j***imoto21 said:

The relationship has been nothing but positive and he is definitely a kind, caring man. We seldom argue if ever and generally things are smooth - we get along and have personalities that mesh well. There is good chemistry and this is probably the most healthy relationship I have ever been in given the strong communication and respect between us.

^^Okay but are you physically and sexually attracted to him?  Do you feel that special somethin somethin other than you get along well and have personalities that mesh?

JMO but when it comes to romantic relationships what you describe -  YAWN. Yeah I know people say these are the qualities that make for a "healthy" relationship, blah blah.

It's also the reason couples break up -- there's no umph, no spark, they function more as good friends who get along fine but again YAWN.  I cannot think of anything less inspiring.

So what if you're the main breadwinner?  He's doing what he loves, what makes him happy and affords him a fine living, to ME that trumps a man with a high flying, high $$$ career any day of the week!  

I have dated those guys!  Had relationships with those guys, I married a guy like this and divorced him a year later.  

I think if you truly felt that somethin somethin (and perhaps you've never felt that before so don't know what I'm talking about) this thread would not exist and you'd be happy in love and planning your future together with very little hesitation.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 4/25/2024 at 7:36 PM, catfeeder said:

Lots of people get along well. That's great for neighbors and friends, but it doesn't make a strong enough foundation to overcome all of your incompatibilities with this man. Go work your great career, you've earned that. Hold out for love, you deserve that.

My sentiments exactly....