Am I being gaslighted

[Lena333]

I probably sound really dumb, but this has driven a huge distance in my relationship because my trust has been broken. My bf lied about going clubbing, he’s never lied about it before. I got a message on Instagram from an account that stated that he was at the club and kissed the guy who’s been messaging me girlfriend. I didn’t believe the account at first, showed my boyfriend the message and laughed about it whilst I blocked the contact because I trusted him so much. A few hours later the same person on a different account send me a photo proof of my boyfriend being at the club that night. I went on the club website and it was in fact from the date he said he didn’t go. I didn’t mention anything to him and asked him again where he was that night he said he was at this friends house. I then confronted him and he said okay he was at the club he but swears he didn’t kiss anyone but he was black out drunk and doesn’t even remember the night properly. the account that messaged me said he called the girl that night. I asked to go through his phone. He did in fact call her. However it is weird because the name was saved as something else but I knew it was her because the Instagram account gave me her number for comparison. I asked him why he called her and why her name was saved as his friends name, he said it was her nickname and he must have called her by accident when he was looking for his friend at the club. Which doesn’t make sense. He had her on Snapchat. However, she is someone that is friends with a mutual friend we have. He said he knows her from the past. I messaged the girl and she said it’s true they kissed. Then I got information from another person that apparently her boyfriend who was the one to message me on Instagram controls her account. I’ve asked several people that were at the club that night that I don’t necessarily know too well some said he did do it some say he didn’t. His friends all deny it. I don’t know what to believe anymore I love him and trusted him but I’m just confused on what’s true and what isn’t and it’s honestly driving me apart from him I don’t know if I can trust him again. 

[yogacat]

Being gaslighted is the least of your concerns, as it seems like your boyfriend has been unfaithful to you and has continuously lied about it. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you are being "gaslighted" and that the issue is solely on your end. Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse, but your boyfriend's actions go beyond just making you doubt your own perception of reality.

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Lena333 said:

. My bf lied about going clubbing, he’s never lied about it before. .  he was at the club he but swears he didn’t kiss anyone but he was black out drunk and doesn’t even remember the night properly. the , he said it was her nickname and he must have called her by accident.. I messaged the girl and she said it’s true they kissed.  I’m just confused on what’s true and what isn’t and it’s honestly driving me apart from him I don’t know if I can trust him again. 

 Sorry this is happening. You seem to have some valid reasons not to trust him. You already know he lies about clubbing, cheating and his whereabouts.so why call it "gaslighting"? 

 Unfortunately trust is broken and your relationship is devolving into a cat and mouse game of detective and naughty boy.

Please reflect if you find this behavior disrespect and want to look over your shoulder and contact others to suft through his lies.  Ask your if you're  better off cutting your losses and freeing yourself from these lies and games.

Is this the same man?:.

 

[Lena333]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Sorry this is happening. You seem to have some valid reasons not to trust him. You already know he lies about clubbing, so why call it "gaslighting"? 

 Unfortunately trust is broken and your relationship is devolving into a cat and mouse game of detective and naughty boy.

Please reflect if you find this behavior disrespect and what to look over your shoulder and contact others to suft through his lies. 

Is this the same man?:.

 

Yes it is, I made a second post about it because a lot of people didn’t understand my point fully, it may be controlling to not let him out but I don’t mean forever just till I can trust him again but this whole situation destroyed the image I had of him over the past year. I got the message three weeks ago and last week he went out again even though I told him to not go just for a bit because I’m still hurt by the situation and he still went and lied AGAIN. I just believe that his priorities aren’t in the relationship, it’s like he does want to be with me but he can’t live up to the consequence of his own action and fix the trust he broke. I just believe that after this he can’t have both going out and the relationship for a little while. Not saying forever.

[catfeeder]

5 minutes ago, Lena333 said:

I just believe that after this he can’t have both going out and the relationship for a little while. Not saying forever.

So your answer to being with an untrustworthy guy is to try to keep him home for a while?

Is this how you want to live?

[Lena333]

Just now, catfeeder said:

So your answer to being with an untrustworthy guy is to try to keep him home for a while?

Is this how you want to live?

I don’t want to keep him at home I don’t mind him going out with friends all I ask is to not go to a club as I want to save the relationship. I’m still so confused wether he kissed her or not. Maybe I’m being naive.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Lena333 said:

, it may be controlling to not let him out but I don’t mean forever just till I can trust him again but this whole situation . I just believe that after this he can’t have both going out and the relationship for a little while. 

This isn't about "letting him out" like he's a bad little boy. This is about staying with someone who lies to and disrespects you and for whatever reason desperately trying to hang on to him. Why wrap your head around lousy treatment and pretend he respects you? 

Do you live together? What is the reason you're tolerating this?  Do you really want to get into a parent-child relationship?  He's already doing whatever he wants and just lies about it. You can't chain him up in the yard like a dog so he behaves better.

[Lena333]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This isn't about "letting him out" like he's a bad little boy. This is about staying with someone who lies to and disrespects you and for whatever reason desperately trying to hang on to him. Why wrap your head around lousy treatment and pretend he respects you? 

Do you live together? What is the reason you're tolerating this?  Do you really want to get into a parent-child relationship?  He's already doing whatever he wants and just lies about it. You can't chain him up in the yard like a dog so he behaves better.

I think a part of it is the uncertainty because until now he’s been the most loving loyal person ever but perhaps it was all an act. He treats me great but clearly I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did. We do live together yes 

[rainbowsandroses]

I don't disagree that's he's been lying to you and may have cheated, however I find your behavior troubling as well and may be why your boyfriend feels he cannot be truthful with you.

It takes two people to develop such a distrustful and toxic dynamic which this certainly sounds like. 

I mean reading your story I felt like I was reading about a mother/son relationship versus a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

Confronting him about his whereabouts with what sounded like an accusatory tone, asking to go though his phone, arguing about who he messaged etc. and him defending himself, lather rinse repeat.

As his girlfriend, I could not even imagine being in a relationship where I had to do that, nor would I do it. 

Mother to a troubled young son, yes.  Girlfriend to a grown man, no.

@Lena333when it gets this bad, when the trust on both sides is this forgone (albeit for different reasons), just end it. 

There's nothing good or positive here, I'm sorry.  😞

 

[yogacat]

The day I fount out that my ex kissed another woman, the very next day I made arrangements to move out. I was moved out in a month.

Forget about what he was like "then," the 'now' is what you need to focus on.

[Lena333]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I don't disagree that's he's been lying to you and may have cheated, however I find your behavior troubling as well and may be why your boyfriend feels he cannot be truthful with you

It takes two people to develop such a distrustful and toxic dynamic which this certainly sounds like. 

I mean reading your story I felt like I was reading about a mother/son relationship versus a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

Confronting him about his whereabouts with what sounded like an accusatory tone, asking to go though his phone, arguing about who he messaged etc. and him defending himself, lather rinse repeat 

I could not even imagine being in a relationship where I had to do that, nor would I do it. 

@Lena333when it gets this bad, when the trust on both sides is this forgone (albeit for different reasons), just end it. 

There's nothing good or positive here, I'm sorry.  😞

 

He’s never lied to me about it before, this is the first time he’s ever done it and it’s a weird coincidence that the only time he’s ever lied he gets accused of something like this. The day before he was out as well and he told me about it I had no problem with it. I don’t see how I’m to blame here. Yes, of course I wanted to go through his phone after because I was getting mixed messages from everyone and I am paranoid really paranoid. 

[yogacat]

4 minutes ago, Lena333 said:

He’s never lied to me about it before, this is the first time he’s ever done it and it’s a weird coincidence that the only time he’s ever lied he gets accused of something like this. The day before he was out as well and he told me about it I had no problem with it. I don’t see how I’m to blame here. Yes, of course I wanted to go through his phone after because I was getting mixed messages from everyone and I am paranoid really paranoid. 

No, you're not responsible for the lying or cheating, but by necessity you must take responsibility for your part...such as the trust issues that you readily admit to. 

You're not also going to get very far by discussing the lying infidelity issues without also considering what may be behind it, no?

So what do you want to do now that he's been unfaithful?

Do you still feel a strong enough attachment to work through this with him? 

There's not much to meaningfully work through here without that...I assure you. 

Like that old saying goes, "you can't get blood from a stone," just like you can't shore up a house built on sand. 

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, Lena333 said:

I don’t see how I’m to blame here

I'm not "blaming" you.  Just own your role, again it takes TWO to create this type of toxic dynamic.

A girlfriend should NOT be "interrogating" her boyfriend, asking to look through his phone, arguing about who he messaged etc. 

You don't trust him and obviously he doesn't trust you either, which is why he lies to you.

Look he may be a lying cheating d-bag that's not the point.

The point IS clearly you don't trust him.  When trust is gone, it's DONE the end.

No need to confront, question, interrogate or snoop.

Just end it, period end of.

And btw, what's your issue with him going to a club with his friends one night?

Why does/did he feel he needed to lie to you about it? 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Lena333 said:

 I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did. We do live together yes 

 How long have you lived together? Is it his place, your place or do you co-own or co-lease?

Unfortunately things have changed. It's possible he's been lying about a few things you just haven't found out about.

Lies are like cockroaches  if you see one you know there's more.

And yes you don't know him as well as you thought if he's lying and sneaking around.  

You're not paranoid if he's lying, you're just trying to be "the cool GF", at any price to hang on to this and stay in denial because you're too invested by living together. 

[Lena333]

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm not "blaming" you.  Just own your role, again it takes TWO to create this type of toxic dynamic.

A girlfriend should NOT be "interrogating" her boyfriend, asking to look through his phone, arguing about who he messaged etc. 

You don't trust him and obviously he doesn't trust you either, which is why he lies to you.

Look he may be a lying cheating d-bag that's not the point.

The point IS clearly you don't trust him.  When trust is gone, it's DONE the end.

No need to confront, question, interrogate or snoop.

Just end it, period end of.

And btw, what's your issue with him going to a club with his friends one night?

Why did he feel he needed to lie to you about it? 

I try not to have a problem with it, he’s been having family problems and he does this when he can’t handle his life problems, drinks till he blacks out. I was on holiday with my family and not there to support him. I try not to have a problem with it but his friends are all disloyal to their girlfriends so I feel insecure sometimes but I try to not have a problem with it and give him his freedom. I always encourage him to open up. I have little hope because I’m a very honest person and I predict a break up already but I feel like I keep blaming myself recently and I don’t know what to do.

[yogacat]

Stop being so pathetically subservient and face reality.

And stop trying to justify your reasons for questioning things. Any normal person would question this situation!!!

It sounds like you already know your answer, you just refuse to face it.

You predict a break up, WOW how's that for ignoring reality.

Stop predicating the future and just create a reason for your self and end this toxic relationship.

He cheated, dumped your delusional ***.

Get help, once again there's much more to this story than what we are being given.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Lena333 said:

I try not to have a problem with it, he’s been having family problems and he does this when he can’t handle his life problems, drinks till he blacks out. I was on holiday with my family and not there to support him. I try not to have a problem with it but his friends are all disloyal to their girlfriends so I feel insecure sometimes but I try to not have a problem with it and give him his freedom. I always encourage him to open up. I have little hope because I’m a very honest person and I predict a break up already but I feel like I keep blaming myself recently and I don’t know what to do.

But you're not encouraging him to open up -you're his jailer/momma.  Also you don't know what goes on in relationships -maybe the girlfriends don't mind because they are disloyal too?

Two people have to want to save a relationship and if he thought going clubbing and choosing to get drunk till he blacks out was negatively affecting the relationship he'd choose to stop on his own and/or get help to stop drinking/his potential alcoholism. If he wants to drink he'll find a way- in secret maybe right in the house and/or he'll find ways to flirt/sex with other women online, etc

[rainbowsandroses]

25 minutes ago, Lena333 said:

I try not to have a problem with it, he’s been having family problems and he does this when he can’t handle his life problems, drinks till he blacks out. I was on holiday with my family and not there to support him. I try not to have a problem with it but his friends are all disloyal to their girlfriends so I feel insecure sometimes but I try to not have a problem with it and give him his freedom. I always encourage him to open up. I have little hope because I’m a very honest person and I predict a break up already but I feel like I keep blaming myself recently and I don’t know what to do.

Reading this^^, it sounds like you feel it's your responsibility to manage his emotions for him. 

Like for example he has family problems and since you weren't there to support him, he goes out and gets shyt-faced drunk and you blame yourself for not being there to support him?  

I am so curious where you learned that this is a girlfriend's job or role, to manage her boyfriend's emotions and how HE chooses to deal with shyt.

None of that is your responsibility or your role as a girlfriend imo.  Managing his emotions and how he deals with life is HIS job.

Also, as a girlfriend it's not your job to "give him freedom."  It's good to be giving - kindness, caring, thoughtfulness - but freedom?

He behaves how he chooses to behave, if he needs a lot of freedom or space, HE takes that on his own.  YOUR job as a girlfriend is to either accept or walk away.  IOW you have no control over it.

I am not judging you I promise, I see this so much.  Women acting more like caretakers (or mothers, prison wardens) to their troubled boyfriends versus a woman to enhance his already fulfilling and functional life and being loyal, loving and caring which is different from "caretaking."  And being an equal participant in the relationship.

Anyway, yeah this is done imo, I'm sorry. 

Hopefully you'll learn something from it if you're open to that.

I wish you the best moving forward.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Lena333 said:

 I feel insecure sometimes but I try to not have a problem with it and give him his freedom. I always encourage him to open up. I have little hope because I’m a very honest person and I predict a break up already but I feel like I keep blaming myself recently and I don’t know what to do.

Please understand that playing therapist is as bad as playing mommy and detective.  Enabling him to get "blackout drunk", is not making you "the cool GF", it's making you an enabler.  Please reconsider living with someone who's become a project rather than a partner. 

 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Lena333 said:

I don’t want to keep him at home I don’t mind him going out with friends all I ask is to not go to a club as I want to save the relationship. I’m still so confused wether he kissed her or not. Maybe I’m being naive.

You can pretzel around this all you want, it's not against the law. It's just not going to transform an un-trust-worthy guy into a trust-worthy one. You can parent him, which is exhausting and unsexy, you can beg him, you can nag him, you can pretend he's not a liar. But the only way to have a secure and loving relationship with a trust-worthy man is to go find him.

This guy? Not him.

[Andrina]

His behavior has drawn you into a toxic mess of strangers contacting you.

People who regularly drink to the point of blacking out are alcoholics. Is having an alcoholic partner not a dealbreaker for you? If not, attend an Al-Anon meeting to educate yourself and get insight to the reality of what your future will be like if you stay with him.

Just because he's young and he's used to this partying pattern with his friends doesn't make it all right. An occasional guys night out--sure. But when people go from being single to entering a serious relationship, the ways they spend their fun time should evolve to activities that don't make a partner uneasy. 

You can find men who don't drink in excess. Who don't give out their phone numbers to strange women. Who don't lie about where they are going. The trick to finding him is to free yourself from a guy too immature, and lacking in good ethics, to be a good bf.

[Cherylyn]

It sounds like your bf lied to you instead of gaslighting you.   There is a difference between lying and gaslighting.

Lying is not telling the truth, concealing and deceiving you. 

Gaslighting is deflecting,   deliberately throwing you off track,  constantly changing the subject,  forcing you to question your perception of the facts,  confusing you as if your memory was always incorrect and forcing you to defend yourself.  Perpetrators endlessly manipulate the conversation and narrative to their favor.  It's psychological warfare at its ugliest.  😡

 

[Kwothe28]

15 hours ago, Lena333 said:

I’ve asked several people that were at the club that night that I don’t necessarily know too well some said he did do it some say he didn’t. His friends all deny it.

Wife asked the husband was he at the club. He said that he was at friends house. She asked 10 of his friends. 9 of them confirmed he was at their house and 1 of them is claiming he is still there. 

Anyway, you wont get to anything by being a detective. You have enough evidence to know something isnt right. There is no need to interrogate people about it. Nobody hates your boyfriend to set him up or something like that. He enjoys clubbing and as it happens drinking and seducing somebody else girlfriend. That is on him.

"Gaslighting" is deliberately making you crazy. For example, here on Forum we had a woman whos boyfriend hid the stuff around home from her so she couldnt find it even though she was sure she put the stuff at the right place. That is gaslighting. Your boyfriend is just lying to you. So he could cover his adulterous path.

[MissCanuck]

13 hours ago, catfeeder said:

But the only way to have a secure and loving relationship with a trust-worthy man is to go find him.

This guy? Not him.

Yes, agreed. 

Keeping him away from clubs until you feel secure again is pointless, OP. If he doesn't want to stay faithful to you, effectively "grounding" him from clubbing is going to change nothing. It's not the club that makes someone unfaithful. It's the person themselves. 

He is checking out of your relationship. He has the hots for another girl and kept that hidden from you until he was exposed. He then made up stupid lies to cover his tracks. You've resorted to polling people about whether or not he kissed someone else. 

It's time to break up, because this relationship is already effectively over. 

[TeeDee]

He's not gaslighting you.  He's outright lying to you.  You are gaslighting yourself, making excuses & trying hard to make this not true. 

Let's look at what you do know:  

1.  He lied about going to the club. 

2.  He may have kissed another woman while there

3.  He got blackout drunk which could indicate a serious problem 

4  He deliberately hid another woman's phone # in his phone under a false name

5.  He is gaslighting you about why he did that.  Her "nickname" is not his friend's name. 

6.  He must think you are an idiot or a fool if you will believe such an obvious lie. 

7.  He wants to party & you don't

8.  All his friends cheat; it's their culture.  Birds of a feather. .  

You know you need to end this.  It just hurts & it sucks.  But the reality is this relationship is done. There is no coming back from this especially because he doesn't want to.  If you stay all you are going to get are more lies