I found my bf of 5 years on a gay hookup site

[Slothler]

I don’t know what to do. I have had issues with my boyfriend in the beginning of our relationship about using porn too much and even receiving and sending out nudes to online girls. It took everything in me to get past that with him, but maybe that was my first mistake.

A couple years later, I found videos of him using a d*ldo for back action and even performing oral on it. I was shocked. I approached him about it and he said that he is not interested in guys AT ALL but was curious about the back action thing. I was suspicious about the not being into guys thing but I wanted to give him space to figure out his curiosity. We have done some experimenting back there but nothing full on as I don’t know if I’m comfortable with performing that. He swore that he was just curious about the feeling of it and said it wouldn’t be anything more than that. He has not tried to get me involved with any of his experimentation, and I was under the influence that it had ended.

However, BIG SURPRISE, I went through his phone again tonight (yes I have trust issues) and found more videos of him using a d*ldo. After more digging, I found a secret email linked to a gay hookup site. It’s specifically for finding local people and video chats. From what I saw he has not chatted with anyone or put out any videos so far.

I'm heart broken. I can accept him being bi and experimenting with him but I feel like my trust is broken beyond repair. I am so in love with this man and he is my best friend. I know I need to break up with him but I just don’t feel like I can live without him. The selfish part of me wants to ignore it and stay with him. We have made plans to travel the world, get married, and grow old together.

Someone please help. What do I do?

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Slothler said:

The selfish part of me wants to ignore it and stay with him. We have made plans to travel the world, get married, and grow old together.

With the gay guy? Oh I am sorry, maybe he is just bi with enjoying having his bottom roasted by plastic man thing lol

There is no future there. Except if you want to pretend your whole life your SO isnt really attracted to men. Which he clearly is when he had you pretend that you are one in roleplay to rail him from behind. 

[TeeDee]

3 hours ago, Slothler said:

. What do I do?

You know what to do.  You just don't want to.  You break up with him because he wants things you, a woman, can't give him. Unless you want an open marriage where he's off having sex with strange men, you can marry this guy.  You also need to get an STD test immediately 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Slothler said:

 , I went through his phone again tonight (. It’s specifically for finding local people and video chats. From what I saw he has not chatted with anyone or put out any videos so far.

 I just don’t feel like I can live without him. The selfish part of me wants to ignore it and stay with him. We have made plans to travel the world, get married, and grow old together.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Do you live together? 

Please see a physician for STD testing. At this point you don't know if what you're coming across is the tip of the iceberg or he's acting on these things. 

This future talk sounds like empty promises. And an unhealthy attachment to someone who lives a lie and a double life. There's no reason to wrap your head around cheating or his pansexual proclivities. You're incompatible at best. Please reconsider the relationship and set your free. 

 

[Slothler]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Do you live together? 

Please see a physician for STD testing. At this point you don't know if what you're coming across is the tip of the iceberg or he's acting on these things. 

This future talk sounds like empty promises. And an unhealthy attachment to someone who lives a lie and a double life. There's no reason to wrap your head around cheating or his pansexual proclivities. You're incompatible at best. Please reconsider the relationship and set your free. 

 

We’ve been dating for 5 years. We both are in college together right now and I have made it an effort to make sure we don’t live together before we are done with school, so that is a plus.

I agree with what you say. It’s just so crazy for me to think that he has acted on this because I see him almost everyday and we also have sex almost every time we’re together.

I am also struggling with the idea of just packing up and leaving him because I don’t want to potentially out him. We have had a great relationship and I am very close with his family and friends as he is with mine. I know this must be scary for him (it doesn’t make what he’s done okay) and will probably be blindsided by this.

[TeeDee]

He's exploring his sexuality.  You do not have a future with this guy.  Wish him well on his journey but it's time to end things.  

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Slothler said:

. We have had a great relationship and I am very close with his family and friends as he is with mine. I know this must be scary for him (it doesn’t make what he’s done okay) and will probably be blindsided by this.

 It's good you don't live together. You can still walk away intact . There's no reason to throw your life away on this. He's been doing this for years and your entire relationship has been contaminated with his sex addiction from the beginning, so he won't be. "blindsided".

You don't have to "out" him to leave. His actions are already outing him. He's responsible for his behavior and especially risk taking behavior. Likewise you're responsible for your life and health so please get to an STD clinic.

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, Slothler said:

I am also struggling with the idea of just packing up and leaving him because I don’t want to potentially out him. We have had a great relationship and I am very close with his family and friends

This is your barrier to breaking up? You don't owe anyone an explanation for that. Breakups are not a democracy. Nobody else is living your love life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote. You're allowed to say that the relationship is no longer working for you. If anyone pries, you can say, "I'm not ready to speak about this any further."

You've been putting up with untrustworthy behaviors for 5 years. At what point do you recognize that being able to trust a partner is foundational in a relationship?

[MissCanuck]

20 hours ago, Slothler said:

The selfish part of me wants to ignore it and stay with him.

This isn't the selfish part of you. This is the scared part of you.

You are afraid of being on your own without him, because the world is going to look very different to you. You don't know your life anymore without him, and staying with him is familiar and comforting on some level. 

But on much more significant levels, staying with him would mean you are both living a lie. The happy future you dream of isn't going to happen anyway, because it would be based on a false premise. Traveling and getting married are not going to work when he is not being his true self, and you are desperately trying to overlook the truth about him. Your future with him would be sad, anxiety-ridden and tense with you always waiting for the next shoe to drop. 

It's beyond time to end what should have ended ages ago. 

 

[TeeDee]

You can break up with him without outing him.  If anybody asks, you just say you "wanted different things."  They don't have to know that you wanted a heterosexual relationship & he wanted a homosexual one.  

[Slothler]

We broke up last night. I confronted him about what I found and he swore up and down that nothing physical had happened and that he would change and ignore his urges for me. I refused that. I brought up that right now it might just be porn or making accounts, but what would happen later down the line when the curiosity and needs would overpower any love that he has for me? I don’t think either of us would be able to emotionally come back from an injury that deep. 
 

We both cried for hours talking about how grateful we both are for this beautiful relationship we’ve had. He told me he’ll look into going to therapy and I really hope he does. He has so much guilt and shame built up that he needs learn to come to terms with himself and his identity. I forgave him for the hurt that his actions inflicted and I hope he can forgive himself. We have agreed to do monthly check ins with each other because there is still so much love between us and all we want is the best for each other.
 

We came up with a story to tell our friends and families about why we broke up. To them it will be our upcoming long distance period and trying to find who we are a single people and adults since we started dating when we were both teenagers. 
 

I am terrified for this new chapter of my life. I have a great support system and I’m trying to give myself time to grieve and heal. Does anyone have any recommendations for books to read to help me? I’m thinking about reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius but I also want to read a contemporary book about relationships and healing.

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Slothler said:

We broke up last night. I confronted him about what I found and he swore up and down that nothing physical had happened and that he would change and ignore his urges for me. I refused that.I have a great support system and I’m trying to give myself time to grieve and heal.

You made the right decision and are protecting yourself from a lot of headaches and headaches you don't need. You're also freeing yourself for a happy life with someone who is faithful, respectful and wants what you want.  It's great you have a good support system. It's good you didn't buy his empty promises and lies. 

[TeeDee]

15 hours ago, Slothler said:

I am terrified for this new chapter of my life. I have a great support system and I’m trying to give myself time to grieve and heal. Does anyone have any recommendations for books to read to help me? I’m thinking about reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius but I also want to read a contemporary book about relationships and healing.

Don't be terrified.  The only think that happened is you presently don't have a BF.  You are still you.  You have your education.  You have your friends & family.   It will be different.  Change can be scary but you will be OK. 

I wasn't much of a reader around break ups.  Read things that make you feel better. If that is Marcus Aurelius, so be it. 

Do keep active especially when you don't want to.  Go outside at least once per day.  Keep up with your studies.  Take a walk.  Go to the gym.  Surround yourself with positive & supportive friends & family.  

[lostandhurt]

You are way stronger than you think you are.  I can tell because you did an incredibly difficult thing and handled it extremely well.  Good on you!

 This is a good thing and you actually did him a huge favor by breaking up with him.  He can now release the guilt of lying to you and having to hide his other lifestyle.  He has some self discovery to do for sure but so do you.  Like you said you got together as teenagers and now you are a young adult.  Neither of you are who you were when you started dating.  Stay single, figure out who you are as a single young woman and really forge your own path without accommodating someone else in your life.  Then when you are centered and feel good about your life you can start thinking about adding someone to it.

 Take time to care for yourself and see just what you are made of all on your own.  I think you will like the adventure ahead.

 Best wishes

 Lost