I can’t stop blaming myself for the end of my relationship

[Nailzzz333]

My relationship ended two weeks ago. When I was in the relationship I often felt like something was wrong, constantly had doubts. However now it’s ended, I’m blaming myself for everything, I feel like I took everything for granted. The little things, like when he’d make me a coffee, cooked for me, brought me gifts, woke up early just to walk me to work. Those little things that made me feel so special, I pushed them all away and took them for granted because I wasn’t happy with myself and like I didn’t think I was enough. When I was in a relationship with him it was the first time I’ve actually enjoyed sex in my whole life. However, yes those things were great but I never felt listened to which is important to me, he always prioritised other girls, like when I told him over and over it made me uncomfortable he’d followed his ex’s he wouldn’t unfollow them and would argue with me. This one time, he broke my trust by lying about a big thing. After that our relationship completely changed, I stopped putting in effort because I was hurt my trust was broken and felt like he owed me something. He would still try but after a while he also lost patience for me even when I was trying to be nice. The relationship ended because I found out he slept with another girl and because he fell out of love with me. What he did was *** and wasn’t right but I’m sitting here thinking that I pushed someone away who loved me at some point and that because I kept pushing him away that lead to him cheating. In my defence the reason I pushed him away is because yes he did make me feel special however he didn’t make me feel respected. Like when I’d tell him that following half naked girls made me feel uncomfortable he’d prioritise following them over my feelings. He’d also lie so so much to me about everything such as where he was or who he was with. Like when I found out he cheated he didn’t even tell me and even after I found out he tried to lie about it. I don’t know if I lost someone who loved me but made mistakes or if I lost someone who wasn’t worth my time. I just feel horrible about the whole situation and I know he just wants to move on from it but I can’t because I thought I had someone I could rely on. 

[TeeDee]

Stop.   Ok fine, maybe you could have been more appreciative BUT the end of the relationship was not solely or even primarily your fault.  You said it yourself HE broke your trust.  He lied.  He didn't respect you.  How on earth is anything he did your fault?  

[Nailzzz333]

3 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Stop.   Ok fine, maybe you could have been more appreciative BUT the end of the relationship was not solely or even primarily your fault.  You said it yourself HE broke your trust.  He lied.  He didn't respect you.  How on earth is anything he did your fault?  

Thank you for that obviously I’ll learn from my mistakes as I see them now but I don’t want to think I lost something good if it wasn’t 

[NighttimeNightmare]

2 hours ago, Nailzzz333 said:

I kept pushing him away that lead to him cheating. 

Ugh, why is this such a common thought process people have? The guilt from this line of thinking causes people to stay in abusive situations 

this is like a man saying “I asked her for dinner and she didn’t make it so I knocked her out with a cast iron pan. It’s her fault, she made me do it, she knew I was hungry and I get angry when I don’t eat!” Do you see how ridiculous that is? No one forced this person to pick up a cast iron and hit someone, this person blames others for their own actions.  Same with cheating, you don’t cause someone to cheat, but cheaters are liars and will blame you for their faults. 
 

it sounds like this relationship made you feel unsafe and so you closed up, that’s pretty normal. You’ll learn to leave unsafe relationships sooner and earlier, as you’ll learn the signs, what they lead to [for you], and why these relationships don’t work.  Instead, you stuck around, allowing the two of you to bicker back and forth, and he ultimately ended up betraying you. Do not be a receptacle for his blame. 
 

sure, you both played a part in everything that happened, you should have left a lot sooner, but you are not at fault for the cheating, and you are not the cause. You are the trigger he blames for his own inability to self regulate and exit relationships that don’t work for him. 
 

I highly recommend you get the audiobook “leave a cheater, gain a life” it will help you understand and unravel these thought distortions you’re having about you being the reason he cheated, you are carrying way too much guilt. “You made me do it! You made me cheat.” Oh please. You’ve got a magic talent to possess people? And if you do, why would you use that talent to harm yourself?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Nailzzz333 said:

 I found out he slept with another girl and because he fell out of love with me. What he did was *** and wasn’t right but I’m sitting here thinking that I pushed someone away who loved me at some point and that because I kept pushing him away that lead to him cheating. 

Sorry this happened. It's normal to feel nostalgic about the good times even in bad relationships. 

You made the right decision ending it. There's no excuse for cheating and it's not your fault it was his choice. You dodged a bullet. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Nailzzz333 said:

Like when I’d tell him that following half naked girls made me feel uncomfortable he’d prioritise following them over my feelings. He’d also lie so so much to me about everything such as where he was or who he was with. Like when I found out he cheated he didn’t even tell me and even after I found out he tried to lie about it.

Liers and cheaters stay liers and cheaters. In other words: Its not you, its him. Literally just that.

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Nailzzz333 said:

Those little things that made me feel so special...

"...I can focus on looking forward to enjoying with someone who will be honest and loyal to me."

This guy was not that.

[ShySoul]

11 hours ago, Nailzzz333 said:

The relationship ended because I found out he slept with another girl and because he fell out of love with me... he didn’t make me feel respected. Like when I’d tell him that following half naked girls made me feel uncomfortable he’d prioritise following them over my feelings. He’d also lie so so much to me about everything such as where he was or who he was with

Each person is responsible for the choices they make. You did not make him sleep with another girl while he was still in a relationship with you. You did not make him disrespect you. You did not make him follow half naked girls, even when he knew it upset you. You did not make him lie. He choose all of those actions on his own, of his own free will. 

When you care about someone it is very tempting to focus on all the good qualtites and ignore the bad. He may have been wonderful at times. But he was also a liar and a cheater who, in your own words, "didn't make me feel respected." A truly good person who loves you would not repeatedly disrespect you. They would not dismiss your feelings, instead being compassionate enough to listen to you and do things to help you feel at ease. They wouldn't need some social media girl, they would enjoy the beautiful, wonderful person they are with. 

You said you constantly had doubts. Maybe you should trust your first instinct, that this relationship was ultimately wrong. Better guys are out there, ones who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

[MissCanuck]

I think you wanted this relationship to be something it just wasn't.

Sure, there were moments you felt special. But that is not enough when the overall tone is one of feeling unheard and unseen, and when you feel your partner doesn't respect you. 

You didn't cause him to cheat. He chose that. If he was unhappy, he could have ended it with you before he had sex with someone else. He didn't do that. He is not a quality guy, and therefore you haven't lost much at all. 

[smackie9]

He had two personalities going on here...the one that walked you to work, the other a womanizer. Sleeping with someone else behind your back is a selfish, self entitled act. Blaming you was all done to make you feel bad for something he was responsible for. I agree he had the choice to end it before sleeping with someone else. That's pretty pathetic.

I agree too you hung on because you loved the good part of the relationship...it was so tough to let go even tho it was time to end it. We all have made this choice. Let the lesson be learned, and let it go.