Money And Trust

[LouLou11]

I started seeing someone I’ve known for a while and things had been going good. A couple of issues which are making me overthink… or is it overthinking?

he stays most nights already…. He picked me up on my Snapchat location being off. It wasn’t, I just hadn’t used it for a few days and it doesn’t update on background. I asked if there was an issue and he said he just wanted to know I was safe. I was working from home…
He’s comes in and goes to the bathroom, puts things in the bin and quizzes me on things he notices. Like whose crisp packet is this? Obviously mine! I live alone. Have I been out as he locked the door and now it’s unlocked.

i brought up that he maybe doesn’t trust me and if that’s the case I need to know what I have done to perpetuate that? Nothing, he said. His ex cheated. Well, that’s her problem, not ours? 
he’s changing his shifts to spend more time, which isn’t required as we see each other every evening and weekend. It feels smothering. 
Then his phone blew up the other night and it was the ex. As he wouldn’t answer her she kept texting. And again he wouldn’t answer. I asked why he couldn’t answer? He said she needs money.

theyve been split for years, their child is grown up and doesn’t live with the ex, and haven’t seen each other in years. So why on earth would she ask him!? Apparently he hates her. Like expresses hatred often for her.
he told me her new man doesn’t have any shifts this week and she will pay him back on Saturday when he’s worked… WTAF? Alarm bells.

anyway, yesterday he went to the shop, I sent him £100 for shopping for the week as I wasn’t well. 
today he asked for money for fuel. Like wasn’t there change from yesterday? It was supposed to last a week. Where did the money go? 
I’m not sure I can commit to living with someone who is still supporting an ex and needs my help when he’s done that. 
Also it’s got me overthinking, she cheated, which is apparently why he has trust issues. I’m thinking it’s either the case he still has feelings and is in touch or he’s the one doing something untrustworthy.

I don’t want to hurt him so how do I set my boundaries without saying -“ cut ties or we are over” - as that’s bottom line how I feel about it. 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, LouLou11 said:

he stays most nights already…. Have I been out as he locked the door and now it’s unlocked.he’s changing his shifts to spend more time, which isn’t required as we see each other every evening and weekend. It feels smothering.  I sent him £100 for shopping today he asked for money for fuel. “ cut ties or we are over” - as that’s bottom line how I feel about it. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been  dating? Why is he camping at your place this much? Does he have keys to your place? 

He seems intrusive, possessive and paranoid. Not to mention over involved with his ex.and mooching money 

Please trust your instincts. Stop giving him money and please reflect if you want this nosy parasitic man in your house making you upset. 

[LouLou11]

We’ve been seeing each other officially since new year… but known longer. 
I am giving serious thought to just breaking it off rather than giving a chance to be honest and change it…. Thank you 

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, paranoid behavior about cheating would be enough for me to just go away and change the number lol

Also are you living together? Why are you giving him money for things?

[LouLou11]

We’re not supposed to be living together, he’s just here. I do long for space but it feels like I’m chucking him out and that’s the way he takes it when I tell him I don’t need him around constantly. Even got to the stage my family feel awkward visiting I think as they’ve gone distant and don’t come around as much either now… 

money wise, it’s my house, my bills and the shopping was for me so he only went for it, but he’s been short as he doesn’t get shifts every day so I’ve helped him out for looking out for me I guess. But i draw the line at helping his ex. 

I think I know deep down it’s not right. I suppose I ask in the hope that someone will tell me I’m being unreasonable. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, LouLou11 said:

. I do long for space but it feels like I’m chucking him out and that’s the way he takes it when I tell him I don’t need him around constantly. Even got to the stage my family feel awkward visiting I think as they’ve gone distant and don’t come around as much either now… I think I know deep down it’s not right. I

Please listen to your friends and family . If they feel uncomfortable visiting you because he's parked himself at your place it's a red flag. And digging through your garbage looking for "evidence" is paranoid and intrusive. Please exterminate him like you would a cockroach or any other pest that helps itself to your home and digs through your garbage. 

[LouLou11]

thank you Wiseman 

[Andrina]

Yeah, I would not have any discussion on him improving. You already tried asking him not to come over as much, and apparently he wasn't mature about that and reacted poorly (reading between the lines). And he'd just resent you if you asked for him to not be involved with the ex. He would've cut her off (of course with the exception of speaking about their grown child, when needed) if he'd wanted to. Expect this is just the tip of the iceberg in their involvement.

His controlling ways will only get worse, not better. You're a grown woman and don't need Superman using x-ray vision to swoop in and save you from imminent danger. He's sugarcoating his toxic behavior, pretending he has your best interest at heart.

I'd make a clean break. He won't go easily, I'm sure, so be prepared to be strong and unrelenting.

[Batya33]

I agree with Andrina -this guy is bad news.  I've never been asked for this amount of money -really any money -from a man and -you've only been dating a couple of months.  Something is reall off here.  I wouldn't stick around to find out what it is.

[LouLou11]

Thanks for affirming, I’ll be kind but firm and just break it off. I have a day off today and haven’t even told him for fear he invades my space so I guess that says it all… and no doubt he will realise I am off. When he does, I’ll have the convo. Otherwise, when he appears after work tonight. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, LouLou11 said:

Thanks for affirming, I’ll be kind but firm and just break it off. I have a day off today and haven’t even told him for fear he invades my space so I guess that says it all… and no doubt he will realise I am off. When he does, I’ll have the convo. Otherwise, when he appears after work tonight. 

Do whatever is right for you. The good news is he's just a houseguest, so it's not as messy getting him out of there. Seek support from friends and family, they seem to see he's a problem. 

[smackie9]

Anyone that is THAT paranoid/jealous needs to be kicked to the curb.

I dated someone that questioned everything like "who gave you that?" or "Who did you think it was?", or "Who are you looking nice for?" or would call me all the time to see if I was home (before cel phones), etc....it was awful. Glad you are considering ending it....will be the best thing you ever do. 

[catfeeder]

I wouldn’t put up with anyone assuming themselves into my home without my invitation. And all my invitations have a beginning, middle and end. Any attempt to guilt trip me about that would land them an invitation to leave. Permanently.