Is my ex-girlfriend's attitude my fault or is it just life?

[lost-in-love]

Hello,

During the last few months I cannot stop asking myself this question and I realize this is harmful for me because I feel depressed and stuck in the past.

I will try to summarize: I am a guy in my early 30s and my ex-girlfriend is in her late 20s. We started as friends for some months but it became clear that we both want more than friendship. Our relationship continued for some months and she ended it respectfully saying that she is looking for a different kind of guy (more confident etc.) but she wants to stay friends and keep in touch because she appreciates me as a person.

I was a bit surprised that she continued initiating meetings for coffee, sending me jokes and so on. When I think about it now probably she was still interested in me even though she broke up with me. Spending a lot of time together it didn't take long that we kiss and hug again. I was stupid to think this could be a new beginning whereas she said that this was like a nice ending of our relationship, that from now on we should be strictly friends and we should both look for a new partner.

Even if what she said sounded logical, I could not understand how she managed to change so quickly, as if she pressed a button in her brain and she detached. For me it was not so easy: she noticed that I have feelings and it seemed this annoyed her a lot because she started to criticize my personality, get irritated at things I say or do and so on.

I realized this could get even more painful for me and we agreed to not meet for some time. However, since we have many common acquaintances, it's inevitable that we run into each other. I have missed many gatherings with her and other people because I know that her cold and distant attitude will make me feel bad and worthless. Also, some friends of her have become cold towards me. Months have passed, I haven't contacted her and I was again stupid to hope that she would become a bit friendlier. I don't want a relationship with her anymore, I just want that one day we could have a normal, civil conversation.

It seems that in her eyes I did something terribly wrong and I don't understand what that is! I have gone millions of times through situations and conversations and I guess what I am 'guilty' of is that I still had feelings and she didn't. It seems I was someone she just wanted to get rid of and 'remove' from her life. 

For the moment my strategy is to avoid her, in this way I avoid pain but actually the pain is still inside me. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lost-in-love said:

. However, since we have many common acquaintances, it's inevitable that we run into each other. . For the moment my strategy is to avoid her, in this way I avoid pain but actually the pain is still inside me. 

Sorry this is happening. Yes please try to avoid her and reach out to your own circle of friends and family for support. Please don't try to be friends with exes. Is this the same woman?:

 

[lost-in-love]

34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Yes please try to avoid her and reach out to your own circle of friends and family for support. Please don't try to be friends with exes. Is this the same woman?:

 

Thank you. Yes, the same woman. I was stupid enough to think that after some time passes she would become less cold and distant.

[DarkCh0c0]

You don't need her in your life as much as you think you do.

You need to start moving on. Chat with new women, hit up some events/meet ups, and mingle. Get her off your mind. She's history. She didn't want you. You should remind yourself that you are worthy of someone who wants you too without any hot/cold and push/pull behaviour. You are worthy of healthy love. You are worthy of better.

[Andrina]

Once you've crossed the line from friendship to romance, it's usually best to not attempt going back to being friends again. Your future girlfriend won't appreciate you being buddies with an ex, and certain women will end dating you when they find out this is happening. 

Delete her number from your phone. Meet one on one with friends from your friend group, and avoid group stuff where she will be there. Perhaps take up some new hobby to develop some new friendships. Once you stop physically seeing her, and stop looking at her photos or old texts if you do that, the next few months should have you going through all the stages that will lead to closure. Doesn't happen overnight, but if you cut communication and seeing her in person, you will eventually stop thinking of her on a daily basis. That usually happened to me after month 4.

Take care.

[MissCanuck]

On 4/5/2024 at 3:01 PM, lost-in-love said:

It seems that in her eyes I did something terribly wrong and I don't understand what that is!

No, it seems that in your eyes this is your perception. 

You need to stop projecting and assuming you know what she is thinking or feeling. It is highly unlikely she has any hostility towards you, but rather that you are still hurting so much from the break-up that you perceive any "coldness" from her as disdain. 

The truth is that she probably feels much more neutral about you than you think. But since she knows you still want her, she keeps her distance so as not to lead you on. 

On 4/5/2024 at 4:46 PM, lost-in-love said:

I was stupid enough to think that after some time passes she would become less cold and distant.

Most exes don't really stay in each other's lives. And really, would you want to become friendly again only to eventually find out she is dating someone else? Because that will happen, sooner or later, and when it does, you are not going to want to be in her orbit. 

Work on redirecting your energy towards your healing and worrying less about what she thinks of you. 
 

[yogacat]

She is just getting on with her life. Her coldness towards you is because you are lingering and because she is not interested. She does not want to be friendly with you because that might give you the wrong idea that she is interested. 

Your strategy of giving her a wide birth so you get over this challenge. This is probably the best thing to do after a break up. Delete her phone number, email. Get rid of all objects, and all pictures. Keep your self busy as possible if only for the reason of making new friends. Tell yourself it's over for a reason.

Remember this she is not going to be the last girlfriend you have, and if you expect her to come back as a friend then you are allowing yourself to be hurt because you are just waiting for that phone call..... she is not going to do such a thing. 

Simply she made it clear. It is fine to be friends and to accept the friendship, but if you can't accept the friendship you may as well walk away. 

It is hard, you want to see her everyday and just be mates... It is never going to come natural. You are going to have to put up and shut up. Become a soldier so to speak.

If you cannot deal with that it's best to move on now or you will just hurt yourself over and over.

[ShySoul]

Every person is a unique indivudal who will have their own way of handling things. Some people will insist that a break up means you should never speak to the person again. Some people will say you should avoid contact so as to not remind yourself of the hurt and loss. Some people can break up amicably and remain really close friends for the rest of their lives. Some people continue a friendship but naturally drift apart with time and circumstances. Some break up but ultimately find their way back to each other. Personally, I believe in always keeping doors open as you never know what the future can bring. Unless the other person did something unforgivable, why not try to keep a friendship alive?

Everyone is different and every relationship is different. The point is to do what is right for you. 

On 4/5/2024 at 6:01 AM, lost-in-love said:

For the moment my strategy is to avoid her, in this way I avoid pain but actually the pain is still inside me. 

Avoidance isn't a strategy to solve a problem, it's a tactic to delay it. Many people find ways to delay indefinately. But the pain isn't something that goes away on its own. The only way to actually deal with something is to confront it head on. I tried not speaking to someone who broke my heart once. It didn't cause me to feel any less pain. It was only in saying to her everything I needed to say and her acknowledging it that things got better. The pain ceased when I could have that regular conversation with her.

On 4/5/2024 at 6:01 AM, lost-in-love said:

It seems that in her eyes I did something terribly wrong and I don't understand what that is! I have gone millions of times through situations and conversations and I guess what I am 'guilty' of is that I still had feelings and she didn't.

No one is wrong or guilty of anything. It's a clash of styles. She wanted to remain friends and probably doesn't understand why you would be still holding on for more. You take longer to process and are still emotionally connected, so you don't understand how she could detach herself so easily. No one is at fault here, it's just a situation that unfortunately didn't work out. Please, don't blame yourself. You actually did a great job in my book. You tried to stay friends with her, but realized that it was hurting you. You were honest with her and did what you felt you had to.

[lost-in-love]

10 hours ago, yogacat said:

She is just getting on with her life. Her coldness towards you is because you are lingering and because she is not interested. She does not want to be friendly with you because that might give you the wrong idea that she is interested. 

Your strategy of giving her a wide birth so you get over this challenge. This is probably the best thing to do after a break up. Delete her phone number, email. Get rid of all objects, and all pictures. Keep your self busy as possible if only for the reason of making new friends. Tell yourself it's over for a reason.

Remember this she is not going to be the last girlfriend you have, and if you expect her to come back as a friend then you are allowing yourself to be hurt because you are just waiting for that phone call..... she is not going to do such a thing. 

Simply she made it clear. It is fine to be friends and to accept the friendship, but if you can't accept the friendship you may as well walk away. 

It is hard, you want to see her everyday and just be mates... It is never going to come natural. You are going to have to put up and shut up. Become a soldier so to speak.

If you cannot deal with that it's best to move on now or you will just hurt yourself over and over.

Thank you, very good comment, as well as the previous ones.

Perhaps I took her words that we can stay friends too literally. Maybe she really thought this in the beginning but when she moved on she realized that friendship with an ex may be a problem for her future relationship and just decided to 'delete' me from her life.

The problem is - and I realize this is a problem I have due to a low self-esteem - that I can't continue with my private life. I am having thoughts like: 'why go on dates and look for a new partner when it always fails?' or 'if my ex resents me, doesn't it mean that I do something wrong and I should not date anymore?'.

[MissCanuck]

18 minutes ago, lost-in-love said:

'if my ex resents me, doesn't it mean that I do something wrong and I should not date anymore?'.

What exactly is she doing that leads you to believe she resents you?

You have said she is cold, but what that does actually look like? Do you say hi and she doesn't respond? Do you wave at her and she rolls her eyes?

[lost-in-love]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What exactly is she doing that leads you to believe she resents you?

You have said she is cold, but what that does actually look like? Do you say hi and she doesn't respond? Do you wave at her and she rolls her eyes?

Sometimes she says 'hi' and sometimes she doesn't. The last times we met and spoke it felt like I was at a trial because she managed to find fault with anything I say and we were not even discussing our relations but completely external topics. Sometimes she would not even listen to what I say but just talk over me whereas with the others she is kind and listens to what they have to say. That's why I took a step back - maybe I exaggerate but at some point communication with her became humiliating experience.

[lost-in-love]

4 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Every person is a unique indivudal who will have their own way of handling things. Some people will insist that a break up means you should never speak to the person again. Some people will say you should avoid contact so as to not remind yourself of the hurt and loss. Some people can break up amicably and remain really close friends for the rest of their lives. Some people continue a friendship but naturally drift apart with time and circumstances. Some break up but ultimately find their way back to each other. Personally, I believe in always keeping doors open as you never know what the future can bring. Unless the other person did something unforgivable, why not try to keep a friendship alive?

Everyone is different and every relationship is different. The point is to do what is right for you. 

Avoidance isn't a strategy to solve a problem, it's a tactic to delay it. Many people find ways to delay indefinately. But the pain isn't something that goes away on its own. The only way to actually deal with something is to confront it head on. I tried not speaking to someone who broke my heart once. It didn't cause me to feel any less pain. It was only in saying to her everything I needed to say and her acknowledging it that things got better. The pain ceased when I could have that regular conversation with her.

No one is wrong or guilty of anything. It's a clash of styles. She wanted to remain friends and probably doesn't understand why you would be still holding on for more. You take longer to process and are still emotionally connected, so you don't understand how she could detach herself so easily. No one is at fault here, it's just a situation that unfortunately didn't work out. Please, don't blame yourself. You actually did a great job in my book. You tried to stay friends with her, but realized that it was hurting you. You were honest with her and did what you felt you had to.

Thank you for this very considerate comment! I agree that avoidance is not a solution but I cannot have a regular conversation with her unless she wants it. If she has put a wall and her attitude shows that she doesn't want to talk with me attempting a conversation will only make it worse. I thought that time would help but so far it doesn't seem to have helped so much.

[MissCanuck]

14 minutes ago, lost-in-love said:

I thought that time would help but so far it doesn't seem to have helped so much.

You mentioned above your struggle with low self-esteem as well, which I am sure is contributing to how you're feeling now about your interactions with her. 

What steps are you taking to address that?

[lost-in-love]

22 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You mentioned above your struggle with low self-esteem as well, which I am sure is contributing to how you're feeling now about your interactions with her. 

What steps are you taking to address that?

Surely it is contributing. I think in my mind I see her behaviour as a 'confirmation' of my lack of worth. I realize this is very unhealthy because I should not base my worth on someone else's estimation.

One step I have taken recently is to start seeing a counsellor and discuss my issues.

[MissCanuck]

13 minutes ago, lost-in-love said:

One step I have taken recently is to start seeing a counsellor and discuss my issues.

That's good. Focus on this, rather than enabling the narrative that you're not good enough based on her reaction to you. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lost-in-love said:

 I cannot have a regular conversation with her unless she wants it. If she has put a wall and her attitude shows that she doesn't want to talk with me attempting a conversation will only make it worse

That's with anyone. You can't have a conversation with anyone who doesn't want to talk to you. Please let go. You're not a victim and she's trying to move on by appropriately distancing herself. Please do the same. 

[ShySoul]

11 hours ago, lost-in-love said:

I agree that avoidance is not a solution but I cannot have a regular conversation with her unless she wants it. If she has put a wall and her attitude shows that she doesn't want to talk with me attempting a conversation will only make it worse.

True. A conversation/friendship has to be equal with both sides contributing. If she is not willing to try and puts up a wall, then it doesn't make much sense to keep bumping into that wall. I wouldn't call that avoiding then. You made the effort to be civil which is all that can be expected of you. She's the one that is putting the breaks on things. So take heart in knowing you tried your best, but that sometimes things aren't meant to be. If she doesn't seem to really want this friendship, contrary to what she said, then you are under no obligation to keep trying. Be polite if your paths cross, but don't expect anything or feel you have to do anything. Take care of yourself first.

16 hours ago, lost-in-love said:

The problem is - and I realize this is a problem I have due to a low self-esteem - that I can't continue with my private life. I am having thoughts like: 'why go on dates and look for a new partner when it always fails?' or 'if my ex resents me, doesn't it mean that I do something wrong and I should not date anymore?'.

I've had similar thoughts. I think more people have those thoughts then would admit them. So you aren't alone in your struggles. The flaw in that reasoning though is the assumption that just because something goes wrong in the past, it will always go wrong in the future. But each time is a new experience and can go any number of ways. When you think about it, every relationship will fail... until you hit the one that doesn't. And when you find the one that lasts, it won't matter what happened all those other times. What will count is what you have then, the relationship where things go right. If anything, all the failures will help you to appreciate that success even more. You learn from the bad times so that when the good comes along, you are better prepared and know what to do to make it last.

If an ex resents you, it might have nothing to do with you and might be about them. Which is why it's good to take an honest assessment. You probably could have done things differently. So could she. No one is perfect and everyone will make mistakes. But you strive to do the best you can at that moment in time with the information you have. Lean to separate the things you could control with the things you can't. And know that it takes two, so it's not all on you. 

You're worth is not dependent upon her or anyone else. You decide how much worth you have. So do things that make you feel worthy. Do things you enjoy. Think about all the postive qualities and skills you have. Make a list if it helps. One bad experience with someone doesn't mean you are forever doomed or that you don't have anything to offer. It's just the valley that will eventually make reaching the peak that much sweeter.