Coffee with coworker

[yogacat]

14 hours ago, kim42 said:

Thank you, yes, it seems he likes the flirting and that's it. To be clear, I didn't expect him to be overly flirty with me yesterday because there were other people but I was just annoyed about him forgetting.

At least I know now and I can move my attention somewhere else.

 

Yes, flirting sometimes, and playful, because he is welcoming you into a new environment. You are new there. 

Flirting sometimes can be friendliness, nothing more.

He said he invited you for drinks because he saw you that morning. He didn't see you and he forgot about it. He went to the bar to have his own drink, he was chatting up his colleagues, he invited you because he saw you passing by.

While I understand where you're coming from and your concern, I don't think you have enough information to label him as a player just yet. 

Players are smooth talkers, they'll try to make a move and see how far they can get and use mind games and manipulation tactics. This guy is moving at snail's pace and he hasn't made any move at all except for inviting you to go out with his coworkers and a couple light arm touches.  

Do you find him charming, confident, and charismatic? Does he compliment you a lot? Do you think he knows how to make you feel special and wanted? Those are the traits of a player.

You know your interactions with him best -- and if those are the vibes that you're getting, then take heed.

[kim42]

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree^ and even if he wasn't into her in a romantic way, he still should have followed up.  I mean he invited her to join, he did not know the exact time and Kim asked him to let her know when they were leaving.  Which was a reasonable request.  

He didn't, he completely blew her off.  That's rude.  And the bit about his co-workers rushing him is a load of *.  He could have texted when they left or when he got there. 

I don't get "hook up" vibe, I don't sense he's attracted to you in any sort of romantic way Kim for him to want a hook up.

I do however get "playerish" vibe, which is not the same as actually being a player, it's just his vibe, his energy from everything you have written from the beginning of your interactions until the present.

He's a bit too smooth, confident to the point of being c0cky and definitely too "touchy."  Not the just the arm touching which that alone would rub ME the wrong way from a co-worker but the kiss on the cheek, the hug at the end.  From a co-worker you barely know?  ICK.

And the way he suggests getting coffee, drinks with co-workers but then NEVER follows up.  Not once has this man followed up.  It's always when you "run into each other" again when he will make yet another suggestion but then never follows up.  

I don't know what the laws are in your country Kim, but in the U.S., any sort of unwanted touching by a co-worker could be considered sexual harassment even when it's off hours.  It was a co-worker get together so it applies.

I can't say what others' definition of a "nice guy" is but imo there is nothing "nice" about him, and if me I would limit my interaction with him going forward as strictly professional.

JMO.

 

I just want to clarify something - we only ran into each other once at the office, that was this week. Previously when we had coffee, it was him suggesting it both times, and it was planned, he didn't suggest getting coffee because he ran into me. And both times he suggested going for drinks/coffee/lunch again.

I think he is physically attracted to me, based on his body language and just how he behaves around me, I'm pretty sure about that one - now it doesn't mean of course he wants to pursue something.

About the kiss on the cheek - it's fairly common here to do it, sometimes even between coworkers, depending on the workplace and how close you are. I didn't expect him to do it sinxe we don't know each other that well but given how touchy he is with me, it's probably not that surprising.

That being said, I don't like that he didn't confirm the details with me for the drinks thing so I'll limit my contact with him and focus my attention elsewhere.

[kim42]

9 hours ago, yogacat said:

Yes, flirting sometimes, and playful, because he is welcoming you into a new environment. You are new there. 

Flirting sometimes can be friendliness, nothing more.

He said he invited you for drinks because he saw you that morning. He didn't see you and he forgot about it. He went to the bar to have his own drink, he was chatting up his colleagues, he invited you because he saw you passing by.

While I understand where you're coming from and your concern, I don't think you have enough information to label him as a player just yet. 

Players are smooth talkers, they'll try to make a move and see how far they can get and use mind games and manipulation tactics. This guy is moving at snail's pace and he hasn't made any move at all except for inviting you to go out with his coworkers and a couple light arm touches.  

Do you find him charming, confident, and charismatic? Does he compliment you a lot? Do you think he knows how to make you feel special and wanted? Those are the traits of a player.

You know your interactions with him best -- and if those are the vibes that you're getting, then take heed.

All good points, thank you! 

 

So he invited me to join his team for drinks several times, last week he told me they would go out this Thursday but he didn't confirm the details this week, it only happened when I saw him Thursday morning at the office. That's why I posted here, because I was starting to overthink it.

 

I agree it may be too soon to label him as a 'player'. Just based on my previous experiences, when a guy would show some signs of interest and flirt with me but would be inconsistent and/or flaky, it usually turned out that he was only interested in something casual.

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

I I don't like that he didn't confirm the details with me for the drinks thing so I'll limit my contact with him and focus my attention elsewhere.

That's a good idea since your impression of him has soured so much. He seems casual and just invited you along with a group. Perhaps he doesn't date coworkers. 

[kim42]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's a good idea since your impression of him has soured so much. He seems casual and just invited you along with a group. Perhaps he doesn't date coworkers. 

Hi Wise, I appreciate your input but I think it doesn't matter in this situation if he's interested or not, or if he dates coworkers or not.

I think it's basic politeness to confirm details if you invite someone to hang out, especially if you said you would.

I knew it would be a group thing, I didn't think it would be a 'date', and as I said, I didn't expect anything to happen.

I would be equally annoyed if the person who didn't follow through was a guy I didn't like or simply a friend.

 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I would be equally annoyed if the person who didn't follow through was a guy I didn't like or simply a friend.

Are you really really sure about that? 😄

i think in this case the main issue is his touchy/flirty behavior combined with his flakiness… I’ve known of women attracted by those guys, very charming when in your presence, then they completely forget about you, you get upset, and you meet them and they are very kind/flirty again and you forgive them everything… the cycle repeats over and over again. I’m afraid that this is what will happen for you too. Since you work in the same building, and have to exchange over text for work related stuff, it’s easy to fall again in the trap of “maybe he does actually like me… what if…” 

Sorry to be honest, but your situation with the other coworker last year lasted way to long before you actually realized that it was time to emotionally cut of… this is why I’m a bit concerned about this one… Please forgive me for mentioning the other guy… 

[kim42]

5 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Are you really really sure about that? 😄

i think in this case the main issue is his touchy/flirty behavior combined with his flakiness… I’ve known of women attracted by those guys, very charming when in your presence, then they completely forget about you, you get upset, and you meet them and they are very kind/flirty again and you forgive them everything… the cycle repeats over and over again. I’m afraid that this is what will happen for you too. Since you work in the same building, and have to exchange over text for work related stuff, it’s easy to fall again in the trap of “maybe he does actually like me… what if…” 

Sorry to be honest, but your situation with the other coworker last year lasted way to long before you actually realized that it was time to emotionally cut of… this is why I’m a bit concerned about this one… Please forgive me for mentioning the other guy… 

Yes, I'm sure, if there's something I don't like, it's flakiness. I ended up some friendships because of this.

If you mean the long-distance guy, he's coming to visit me next month - he was not my coworker though. We've stayed in touch and he booked the trip once he found a job. 

However, please let's stay focused on my 'coffee coworker', this thread is about him 😊

[Batya33]

26 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Yes, I'm sure, if there's something I don't like, it's flakiness. I ended up some friendships because of this.

If you mean the long-distance guy, he's coming to visit me next month - he was not my coworker though. We've stayed in touch and he booked the trip once he found a job. 

However, please let's stay focused on my 'coffee coworker', this thread is about him 😊

I was going to say -I am just.like.you. I can't stand flakiness and unreliability that affects my time/life to that extent.  I had a work related situation yesterday where, since I am solo parenting, I had to step away for a 15 minute period where a lot was going on -to pick up my son.  Everyone on my team knew where I was, why, when I'd return.  In advance.  I do exactly the same with any friend or acquaintance I have a plan with -if it's more than 2-3 minutes delay or if it involves me sending another confirming  text -it's sent.  Crap happens -texts don't get delivered but then the person still feels cared for - often if you are a reliable person they don't need to see "proof" -they know you tried your best to provide information/confirm a plan -that you'd never dismiss it with a blase oops I forgot.

As I got older I valued reliability in friends so much more than ever.

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, kim42 said:

All good points, thank you! 

 

So he invited me to join his team for drinks several times, last week he told me they would go out this Thursday but he didn't confirm the details this week, it only happened when I saw him Thursday morning at the office. That's why I posted here, because I was starting to overthink it.

 

I agree it may be too soon to label him as a 'player'. Just based on my previous experiences, when a guy would show some signs of interest and flirt with me but would be inconsistent and/or flaky, it usually turned out that he was only interested in something casual.

 

Kim, please keep in mind, that this is a work setting.

Him not sending you a message that they were leaving at the planned time, is a little bit rude. He could have sent that message.

Work and personal life should not be mixed the way you are thinking. And, for him, not sending you that message about leaving the job site to get a drink- not sending you that message -- could be his way of not wanting to mix work with a personal relationship.

I think if this had been a different setting, a date for example, than yes, he would have done the polite thing and let you know what was happening. So my opinion? I think it was not well handled by him in that he could have let you know what was happening.

He showed that he was interested in having you around--- but is not yet ready to let any know at work that he 'might' be currently interested in someone. In reality, if you're going to date someone from work, you need to keep work and personal interaction separated. He could be concerned about "the rumor mill."

The fact of the matter is that he is not inviting you one-on-one to go out and he is including you in a group setting. Maybe this is to keep things on the cooler or safer side as far as work goes-- to let others know that he is NOT looking to date.

But, hey, nothing wrong with going out with a group of work friends any way. If anything, he's mmmmm maybe interested but he's also exposing you to others without the danger of being seen in public by himself.  

Also, the touchy-feely stuff really needs to be looked at in two different ways. Some people are more kinesthetic (touch-feel) in nature than others. This could be him or it could also be the beginning of a luring tactic. It could be hurdle for you. It's really a moot point at this time. One thing for sure, he does like your company.

I get that you felt left out at the drinks with his coworkers, but it's important to remember that he may have invited you as a courtesy or to make small talk at work. His actions don't necessarily mean he's interested in you in a romantic way. He may just see you as a friendly colleague.

Again, I would think if he were more romantically interested he'd initiate more one-on-one interactions with you, especially outside of work. And his flakiness  - not messaging you when he said he would -  is definitely annoying. Totally get that but it also shows that he might not be as interested as you hope.

You seem like a very self aware, level headed person and you know what you want for yourself. If his flakiness and lukewarm interest isn't aligned with what you want, then just enjoy the banter at work and keep it strictly professional.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

.I think it's basic politeness to confirm details if you invite someone to hang out, especially if you said you would.

Did he apologize for forgetting to remind you?

What happened when you got there and spoke with him?

[kim42]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Kim, please keep in mind, that this is a work setting.

Him not sending you a message that they were leaving at the planned time, is a little bit rude. He could have sent that message.

Work and personal life should not be mixed the way you are thinking. And, for him, not sending you that message about leaving the job site to get a drink- not sending you that message -- could be his way of not wanting to mix work with a personal relationship.

I think if this had been a different setting, a date for example, than yes, he would have done the polite thing and let you know what was happening. So my opinion? I think it was not well handled by him in that he could have let you know what was happening.

He showed that he was interested in having you around--- but is not yet ready to let any know at work that he 'might' be currently interested in someone. In reality, if you're going to date someone from work, you need to keep work and personal interaction separated. He could be concerned about "the rumor mill."

The fact of the matter is that he is not inviting you one-on-one to go out and he is including you in a group setting. Maybe this is to keep things on the cooler or safer side as far as work goes-- to let others know that he is NOT looking to date.

But, hey, nothing wrong with going out with a group of work friends any way. If anything, he's mmmmm maybe interested but he's also exposing you to others without the danger of being seen in public by himself.  

Also, the touchy-feely stuff really needs to be looked at in two different ways. Some people are more kinesthetic (touch-feel) in nature than others. This could be him or it could also be the beginning of a luring tactic. It could be hurdle for you. It's really a moot point at this time. One thing for sure, he does like your company.

I get that you felt left out at the drinks with his coworkers, but it's important to remember that he may have invited you as a courtesy or to make small talk at work. His actions don't necessarily mean he's interested in you in a romantic way. He may just see you as a friendly colleague.

Again, I would think if he were more romantically interested he'd initiate more one-on-one interactions with you, especially outside of work. And his flakiness  - not messaging you when he said he would -  is definitely annoying. Totally get that but it also shows that he might not be as interested as you hope.

You seem like a very self aware, level headed person and you know what you want for yourself. If his flakiness and lukewarm interest isn't aligned with what you want, then just enjoy the banter at work and keep it strictly professional.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

About him not sending the message to confirm - I honestly think he simply forgot, I don't think he did it on purpose. I think if he didn't want me to be there, he would not have invited me a few hours before, and I also don't think he would have called at me from the bar when he saw me on the street. He genuinely looked sorry when he apologized.

About him being touchy - I totally get that he could be a touchy person in general. I didn't see him touching other people/female coworkers but I could be wrong of course.

About feeling left out at the drinks - I didn't expect him to talk only to me, I get it was a group meeting. I didn't have much to say because they kept talking about work stuff related to their team, and I think he could tell I was uncomfortable - he even sort of apologized for it.

I agree that an invite to hang out one-on-one would indicate a higher level.if interest.

So yeah, I'm not expecting much to happen now, or at the party next week - not that I had crazy expectations before. I don't think I'll suggest anything to catch up or so either.

[kim42]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did he apologize for forgetting to remind you?

What happened when you got there and spoke with him?

Yes, he apologized, he said his coworkers were rushing him to leave the office so he forgot. As he was talking to me, he started to touch my arm/elbow, and he pulled out a chair and asked me if I want to stay with them. 

I thought it would be rude to leave at that point so I decided to stay.

[yogacat]

45 minutes ago, kim42 said:

So yeah, I'm not expecting much to happen now, or at the party next week - not that I had crazy expectations before. I don't think I'll suggest anything to catch up or so either.

How do you feel about bringing a date with you? Is there anyone else you're interested in atm?

[kim42]

11 minutes ago, yogacat said:

How do you feel about bringing a date with you? Is there anyone else you're interested in atm?

We're not allowed to bring anyone with us this time, it's an employee only party.

This guy that I'm interested in from my other thread is coming to see me next month so I'm excited about that!

I go on bumble dates but haven't met anyone interesting lately.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, kim42 said:

We're not allowed to bring anyone with us this time, it's an employee only party.

It's definitely not worth bringing a date to an office party. Especially as some sort of game. As far as this coworker.

Hopefully you'll feel better about the situation and not like he's a horrible ogre because he forgot to remind you. It was kind of him to invite you even if you were anxious about it.

He apologized because he's human and also tried to make you feel comfortable. It seems like you really didn't want to be there anyway..  

[yogacat]

17 minutes ago, kim42 said:

We're not allowed to bring anyone with us this time, it's an employee only party.

This guy that I'm interested in from my other thread is coming to see me next month so I'm excited about that!

Cool...I just don't want to see you stuck on 1 guy that isn't showing sure signs of interest. I'm glad you have an option next month.

[kim42]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's definitely not worth bringing a date to an office party. Especially as some sort of game. As far as this coworker.

Hopefully you'll feel better about the situation and not like he's a horrible ogre because he forgot to remind you. It was kind of him to invite you even if you were anxious about it.

He apologized because he's human and also tried to make you feel comfortable. It seems like you really didn't want to be there anyway..  

I think I would have enjoyed it more if they had talked about other things than work stuff, it was not easy for me to join the conversation.

Thanks for helping me see this in a different light!

[kim42]

6 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Cool...I just don't want to see you stuck on 1 guy that isn't showing sure signs of interest. I'm glad you have an option next month.

I'm too old to be stuck on 1 guy now 😁

[boltnrun]

They probably talked about work stuff because that's what they have in common. I doubt they did it to deliberately exclude you. 

If I went to a get together with coworkers I wouldn't have much else to talk to them about other than work or maybe to ask about their families. I just don't know them well enough to talk about anything else. 

If you didn't enjoy yourself you aren't obligated to go anymore. I went to the Christmas party the first year I worked for a previous company and had such a lousy time I didn't bother going the next year. I didn't feel obligated. 

[Batya33]

48 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I think I would have enjoyed it more if they had talked about other things than work stuff, it was not easy for me to join the conversation.

Thanks for helping me see this in a different light!

Were  you introduced to them?

[kim42]

26 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

They probably talked about work stuff because that's what they have in common. I doubt they did it to deliberately exclude you. 

If I went to a get together with coworkers I wouldn't have much else to talk to them about other than work or maybe to ask about their families. I just don't know them well enough to talk about anything else. 

If you didn't enjoy yourself you aren't obligated to go anymore. I went to the Christmas party the first year I worked for a previous company and had such a lousy time I didn't bother going the next year. I didn't feel obligated. 

I don't think they did it on purpose at all. I don't know, when my team hangs out after work, we usually talk about other things than work but I get that each team is different.

 

[kim42]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Were  you introduced to them?

Yes, he introduced me to them. There were also some people who arrived later and he introduced me to them too. I also overheard that someone from the group asked him where I was from (you can tell that I'm a foreigner) and he remembered which country I'm from.

[catfeeder]

12 hours ago, kim42 said:

That being said, I don't like that he didn't confirm the details with me for the drinks thing so I'll limit my contact with him and focus my attention elsewhere.

I've had plans with groups of coworkers where I wanted to invite people from outside the group, and I can tell you, it's like herding cats. In my case, I alerted friends to the date of the plan in advance, but I was only able to tell them the place and time once the group had agreed on one. In most cases, that was late in the day, I guess because they were shooting for a consensus, or they assumed everyone already knew...or whatever. Dunno.

So it sounds as though this guy didn't have that info to offer you any earlier than he did. However, where he messed up was offering to tell you when he was leaving the office, then getting swept up by his group to leave without pausing to message you. Or at least messaging you when he got there.

Who knows, maybe he was about to message when he saw you. I wouldn't split hairs over that. You were given the time and place, but you were already ramped up to feel insecure because he couldn't offer you details any earlier than when he learned them. Such can be the nature of trying to organize within the chaos of a group.

I hope you have a great time at the party!

[kim42]

37 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I've had plans with groups of coworkers where I wanted to invite people from outside the group, and I can tell you, it's like herding cats. In my case, I alerted friends to the date of the plan in advance, but I was only able to tell them the place and time once the group had agreed on one. In most cases, that was late in the day, I guess because they were shooting for a consensus, or they assumed everyone already knew...or whatever. Dunno.

So it sounds as though this guy didn't have that info to offer you any earlier than he did. However, where he messed up was offering to tell you when he was leaving the office, then getting swept up by his group to leave without pausing to message you. Or at least messaging you when he got there.

Who knows, maybe he was about to message when he saw you. I wouldn't split hairs over that. You were given the time and place, but you were already ramped up to feel insecure because he couldn't offer you details any earlier than when he learned them. Such can be the nature of trying to organize within the chaos of a group.

I hope you have a great time at the party!

Thank you, I appreciate yoir input.

I get that organizing things like this can be tricky. I didn't know the exact time and I didn't know the exact place either - I only knew it would be a bar close to the office.

I guess it doesn't matter anymore, it happened and I should look forward to the party now :)

 

 

[catfeeder]

39 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I didn't know the exact time and I didn't know the exact place either - I only knew it would be a bar close to the office.

If he didn't even tell you that much, then yeah...skip him. I'd be cordial at the office, but I would develop my friendships elsewhere.