Unsure with what I want yet again

[foreverblue]

I ask you respond with consideration and understanding before judgement. I've always felt a sense of disconnect and loneliness in life. Last Nov. I met a man who is a lot older than me and even though he is paying the consequences of the actions in his life (armed robbery) ex prison, 2 baby mamas; he is very kindness, consistent and provides me with emotional support. 

Although I am the one initiating to hang out (he doesn't have a car) he does call and tell me he misses me. However, I am starting to feel like things are not going to last due to our cultural differences (I can't go to his mc club) he's already introduced me to his family though; when we do hang out we laugh and joke around and it feels comforting to be in his arms. 

However, I jokingly mentioned in the car "you wont find anyone like me" after having the conversation with him about how he needed to start taking responsibility for his life instead of living on ss. he turned and said "why, do you think you are the only one?" he clarified by saying other women had taken care of him when he had his mc accident that broke his femur etc etc.
 

I already knew going into this relationship that there was no possibility for a stable union (I dont want kids, he doesn't, financial ruin for both of us). but his comment made me feel like there our future together is short, the other thing that bothers me is that he says he loves me which I can feel the sincerity but I don't feel like he desires me for anything other than physical comfort. 

Please help. 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, foreverblue said:

 he turned and said "why, do you think you are the only one?" he clarified by saying other women had taken care of him. I don't feel like he desires me for anything other than physical comfort. 

Sorry this is happening. Even though you're lonely and he offers company, he admits to using women as a means to an end. Please reconsider the way you're being treated. Trust your instincts that you're being used. 

[ShySoul]

52 minutes ago, foreverblue said:

I already knew going into this relationship that there was no possibility for a stable union (I dont want kids, he doesn't, financial ruin for both of us). but his comment made me feel like there our future together is short, the other thing that bothers me is that he says he loves me which I can feel the sincerity but I don't feel like he desires me for anything other than physical comfort. 

What is your definition of a stable union? I would assume it is something other then children since neither of you want that so it wouldn't be a problem. What is indicating that you are just there for physical comfort? You also mention that he is kind and provides you emotional support. So what, outside of that one comment, is making you question if he cares? 

Ask yourself what it is you want in a relationship. Then ask yourself if he is providing that. If you feel something is missing, have you talked to him about it? Have you tried to work through it, both putting in the effort to fill whatever missing spots you sense? Also know that he is the one who has made bad choices in his life, and he is the one who has to show the inititiative to improve on them. You can help and be supportive, but he is the one who has to choose to improve himself. If he is unwilling, that may be a sign he doesn't want the same thing you do.

1 hour ago, foreverblue said:

I jokingly mentioned in the car "you wont find anyone like me" after having the conversation with him about how he needed to start taking responsibility for his life instead of living on ss. he turned and said "why, do you think you are the only one?" he clarified by saying other women had taken care of him when he had his mc accident that broke his femur etc etc.

That could be a defensive reaction to what he felt was an accusation. If it's a sore spot about how he messed up and needs to be more responsibile, it could be an attempt to turn things on you rather then face his own issue. Still not right, and still something that you need to address with him. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, foreverblue said:

Last Nov. I met a man who is a lot older than me and even though he is paying the consequences of the actions in his life (armed robbery) ex prison, 2 baby mamas; he is very kindness, consistent and provides me with emotional support. 

He might have loving feelings for you and he doesn't want a committed relationship with you.  Plus even if he did obviously you'd then be associated with someone with a record and who likely will be pursued by two women for child support - even if he won't support his own children or doesn't have the money -that's a train wreck in itself.  I'd stay far far away and find comfort and kindness with people of character and integrity.

[foreverblue]

42 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

What is your definition of a stable union? I would assume it is something other then children since neither of you want that so it wouldn't be a problem. What is indicating that you are just there for physical comfort? You also mention that he is kind and provides you emotional support. So what, outside of that one comment, is making you question if he cares? 

Ask yourself what it is you want in a relationship. Then ask yourself if he is providing that. If you feel something is missing, have you talked to him about it? Have you tried to work through it, both putting in the effort to fill whatever missing spots you sense? Also know that he is the one who has made bad choices in his life, and he is the one who has to show the inititiative to improve on them. You can help and be supportive, but he is the one who has to choose to improve himself. If he is unwilling, that may be a sign he doesn't want the same thing you do.

That could be a defensive reaction to what he felt was an accusation. If it's a sore spot about how he messed up and needs to be more responsibile, it could be an attempt to turn things on you rather then face his own issue. Still not right, and still something that you need to address with him. 

My definition of a relationship and what I want is an emotional connection and attachment. I really want him to truly miss me and feel my absence when I am not there. Which is why I help him clean his place, bring him food and take care of him. I want him to miss me

[Batya33]

Just now, foreverblue said:

My definition of a relationship and what I want is an emotional connection and attachment. I really want him to truly miss me and feel my absence when I am not there. Which is why I help him clean his place, bring him food and take care of him. I want him to miss me

Why would he miss a housekeeper and chef? He'd feel the absence I guess of clean sheets and fresh food but then he could hire someone or ask one of his other women right?

He does have loving feelings but he's attached to a number of women and his criminal record is attached to him, forever most likely 

[foreverblue]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Why would he miss a housekeeper and chef? He'd feel the absence I guess of clean sheets and fresh food but then he could hire someone or ask one of his other women right?

He does have loving feelings but he's attached to a number of women and his criminal record is attached to him, forever most likely 

Then how else is a woman supposed to show care for a man? 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, foreverblue said:

Then how else is a woman supposed to show care for a man? 

LOLLL that is a joke yes? It depends on the individual couple and people! I show my husband I care by being a good listener, hanging out with him, being supportive when he needs support etc -  I mean -common sense.  And sure I do housework and prepare and buy food and buy things he likes.  But no a woman doesn't show she cares in a gendered way lol.  Do you also bring him his slippers and wait for him to come home?

[ShySoul]

11 minutes ago, foreverblue said:

My definition of a relationship and what I want is an emotional connection and attachment. I really want him to truly miss me and feel my absence when I am not there. Which is why I help him clean his place, bring him food and take care of him. I want him to miss me

Emotional connection is good. But cooking and cleaning isn't emotional connection. That's being a 1950s sterotyped housewife. If you want to do those things, if that brings you happiness and fulfillment, then by all means you should do them. And I'm sure there are men who would appreciate it. But that is far from the only way to care for a man.

Real emotional connection is about connecting over our feelings and emotions. It's being able to talk to one another about anything. It's trusting each other with our problems and actively listening and supporting one another. It's feeling safe with someone, knowing they want the best for me and won't judge or attack me. As a man I don't care if a woman cooks. It's nice, but I can cook myself, order takeout, or warm up a frozen meal. I'm also constantly cleaning, so don't need someone to do that for me. But what does touch me is when she simply listens to me after a rough day, gives me a hug in support. That tells me she cares.

Likewise, that is what a man should be doing for a woman. Be there for her. Listen to her. Show her respect, kindness, and undestanding. Those are the things that really matter. So, is that what you getting in this relationship?

[ShySoul]

Also, someone feeling your absence doesn't mean it's a good relationship. He could feel your absence, but not really be missing you. It could be a case of him just missing the things you do for him. Then you are just a maid or housekeeper, not a girlfriend. That kind of game or attitude runs the risk of making someone dependent upon you for what you provide for them, not actually as a healthy relationship between two people who honestly love and respect each other. And that goes for either gender.

 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, foreverblue said:

 I help him clean his place, bring him food and take care of him. I want him to miss me

Please stop acting like the housekeeper. If you would like to date, why not invite him out or for dinner. People don't miss their domestic help. They miss people they feel a connection to. 

[foreverblue]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please stop acting like the housekeeper. If you would like to date, why not invite him out or for dinner. People don't miss their domestic help. They miss people they feel a connection to. 

But then whats the difference between fleeting connection and lust? You have to build it though 

[foreverblue]

3 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Also, someone feeling your absence doesn't mean it's a good relationship. He could feel your absence, but not really be missing you. It could be a case of him just missing the things you do for him. Then you are just a maid or housekeeper, not a girlfriend. That kind of game or attitude runs the risk of making someone dependent upon you for what you provide for them, not actually as a healthy relationship between two people who honestly love and respect each other. And that goes for either gender.

 

How do I know if he misses me or the stuff I do ?

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, foreverblue said:

I ask you respond with consideration and understanding before judgement. I've always felt a sense of disconnect and loneliness in life. Last Nov. I met a man who is a lot older than me and even though he is paying the consequences of the actions in his life (armed robbery) ex prison, 2 baby mamas; he is very kindness, consistent and provides me with emotional support. 

Okay, in your first paragraph, you admitted that you've always felt a sense of disconnect and lonliness.  I am guessing this guy 'fills that void', for the moment.

He has no real feelings for you right now. You've only just begun ( 4 mos ago). Women feel way earlier than men do. And they'll gladly use you for all you've got if you let them! ( sex does not bring them closer), which is why some prefer fwb.  No expectations & can continue doing whatever they want w/out responsibility.

So, yeah, at this time it's all 'lust'.  A healthy relationship has good communication, trust, ability to work together , give and take and just have it build naturally over time - then you can admit you're both grounded and you are both in this.

I have a feeling you're not feeling it... and his response shows he isn't either.

So, is best to decide IF he's worth the chance you're taking.  If you're at all in doubt don't wait too long on admitting it and walking away.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, foreverblue said:

.I already knew going into this relationship that there was no possibility for a stable union

Trust your instincts. He's a user many excons are. Please steer clear of this damaged and damaging man.

If you are lonely and want to a BF there are plenty of decent men to choose from. 

[foreverblue]

18 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, in your first paragraph, you admitted that you've always felt a sense of disconnect and lonliness.  I am guessing this guy 'fills that void', for the moment.

He has no real feelings for you right now. You've only just begun ( 4 mos ago). Women feel way earlier than men do. And they'll gladly use you for all you've got if you let them! ( sex does not bring them closer), which is why some prefer fwb.  No expectations & can continue doing whatever they want w/out responsibility.

So, yeah, at this time it's all 'lust'.  A healthy relationship has good communication, trust, ability to work together , give and take and just have it build naturally over time - then you can admit you're both grounded and you are both in this.

I have a feeling you're not feeling it... and his response shows he isn't either.

So, is best to decide IF he's worth the chance you're taking.  If you're at all in doubt don't wait too long on admitting it and walking away.

Wait, I thought men feel earlier then women? No, I was initially not interested in him he really wanted me to go to his mc dance which I did; once I gave him the opportunity I saw he was really kind, spoke to me with honesty, sincerity and I just found him to be a genuine, kindhearted person. I do like him, but there are time I wish he would show me he desires me and reach out more instead of feeling like he already got what he wanted and now he doesn't have to try

[Capricorn3]

2 minutes ago, foreverblue said:

 I wish he would show me he desires me and reach out more instead of feeling like he already got what he wanted and now he doesn't have to try

Maybe because that's exactly how it is for him?  In general, when looking at the over all picture, it seems you are way more into him than he is into you.

[SooSad33]

1 minute ago, foreverblue said:

Wait, I thought men feel earlier then women? No, I was initially not interested in him he really wanted me to go to his mc dance which I did; once I gave him the opportunity I saw he was really kind, spoke to me with honesty, sincerity and I just found him to be a genuine, kindhearted person. I do like him, but there are time I wish he would show me he desires me and reach out more instead of feeling like he already got what he wanted and now he doesn't have to try

There you go!  So, he's not trying at all?  is just you reaching out now? Then stop.

IF he's truly into you, you'll know it.

Yup, I had a fwb years ago, we'd meet up every couple of weeks for a weekend, where we'd do take out & drink.  I eventually faded away after about 4 months as I wasn't into it anymore.  So, yeah a guy can gladly 'have fun', and have no feelings for you that way.  ( not all guys, but it is common) . Also make note of 'rebounds'. It happens when someone is trying to get over a failed long term relationship  and isn't there yet, so they'll sleep with anything that gives them attention kinda thing, lol. Sadly, those can hurt 😕 .

 

[foreverblue]

18 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Maybe because that's exactly how it is for him?  In general, when looking at the over all picture, it seems you are way more into him than he is into you.

He has offered to take me out to dinner and tells me he loves me it's just I prefer he saves his money because he doesn't have much of it. He's goes out of his way to introduce me to his family when I'm there. When I told him that I'd probably be working at the hospital in his area once or twice a week he said his place is my second home. I'm the one who prefers to pitch in. 

[ShySoul]

44 minutes ago, foreverblue said:

How do I know if he misses me or the stuff I do ?

I wish I could give you a step by step guide right now, that would make things easier. And it could probably make me rich as it would solve so many relationship issue. 😉

The easiest thing to tell you is that you know if you learn to trust your instinct. Look at who a person is, how they treat others and especially how they treat you. A person's natural personality will always shine through in the end. It's not about any one thing they say or do. It's the pattern. A person who genuinely cares about will take the time to do things for you. They will volunteer to cook and clean themselves. They will be available when you need to talk. They will lend you support and help. They will plan something to surprise you. They will take an interest in your hobbies or the things you like. Someone who is using you or only cares about what you do for them won't think beyond how they benefit from something. They will come to expect all the things you do, maybe even make you feel guilty for not doing something. They won't put in the same effort.

That's not to say someone who misses you can't make a mistake and be selfish at times. That's also not to say someone overall selfish can't do a nice act here and there. But it's the general pattern of behavior that counts. And when the good ones do mess up, they usually realize it and feel bad, trying to make it up to you. The not so good ones, may not even recognize the problem.

25 minutes ago, foreverblue said:

but there are time I wish he would show me he desires me and reach out more instead of feeling like he already got what he wanted and now he doesn't have to try

That's exactly the feeling I think we are all trying to get at. It feels like this is all one sided, with you putting in the work to please him. What does he do for you? Is the relationship worth all you are putting into it? He is fulfilling your needs? That's a question you have to answer for yourself. Take an honest look at things, seeing him as he is instead of who you want him to be. Then figure out how you feel.

[Capricorn3]

5 minutes ago, foreverblue said:

He has offered to take me out to dinner and tells me he loves me it's just I prefer he saves his money because he doesn't have much of it. He's goes out of his way to introduce me to his family when I'm there. When I told him that I'd probably be working at the hospital in his area once or twice a week he said his place is my second home. I'm the one who prefers to pitch in. 

All of that sounds really good and positive, so ...... the big question now is "what's the problem?" 😕

[ShySoul]

29 minutes ago, foreverblue said:

Wait, I thought men feel earlier then women?

All depends on the person. (Yes, I wish there was an easier answer then that). I've had cases where I've felt first. I've also had her feel first. And a separate, probably larger issue is who feels deeper. As a sensitive male, that's usually been me.

[foreverblue]

Thank you everyone 

[Capricorn3]

OP, I saw your reply to my previous post (before you hid it) - and I reiterate that it seems he's not as into you as you are into him.  Maybe time to rethink all of this and go your separate ways.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, foreverblue said:

But then whats the difference between fleeting connection and lust? You have to build it though 

It doesn't matter -it's subjective.  What's objective is backing up "connection" with actions -you want a committed relationship.  Find a person who wants that with you and who has a stable life. Meaning not this person. Then you won't have to read tea leaves and ask abstract questions.  When two people are stable and want to be together for the right reasons it's often a very quick discussion "I am enjoying our time together and I don't want to see anyone else - how about you?" "Me too - sounds perfect!"  Like that.