How to discuss drunken infidelity with my partner?

[whoopsie]

I (28M) want to preface this by saying that I have recently come to terms with the fact that I may have drinking issues that have developed over the past few months. I’ve been struggling with some personal issues and have been binge drinking  more than I’d probably care to admit, perhaps as an outlet. I think this precipitated the incident below meaningfully, but at the end of the day, I take full responsibility for what happened.

 

I was on a planned nerdy vacation to Japan (anime, gaming, etc.) with some guy friends this week, and two of us got inappropriately drunk a few days ago (I think he also has a drinking problem, though I didn’t know this before the trip). We were at a bar and this is one of my first times ever getting this drunk in a public bar where there were strangers around (usually with friends in private spaces).

 

Details are a bit hazy, but the gist is that a girl approaches me at a bar and after a few minutes (or maybe a bit longer?) I go back with her to her hotel room. I know that we had some half-hearted unprotected sex where she was on top and my soldier wasn’t standing at full attention. After a minute or two, I realized how crazy what I was doing was, so I excused myself without finishing and went and called my friend to meet back up and eventually ended up back home after showering and feeling a bit shell-shocked. One of the worst parts of is how I don’t really fully remember the circumstances that led to this encounter or why I thought it was okay, just bits and pieces.

 

The aftermath of what I had done really hit me the next day when I woke up sober—I pretty much didn’t get out of bed at all because I was so sick to my stomach. I am in a 3 year relationship with a girl who I was planning on proposing to in May. She really wants to get married as well, we currently live together and, by all accounts, have a loving and fulfilling relationship. She is by far the best partner I have ever had, I’m very attracted to her, and I like to think that I have historically been a good partner to her as well until this trip. Going out like this itself is a bit out of character for me, and having any thoughts of cheating on her (let alone actually going through with it!!!) is not something I have ever previously considered.

 

Now I feel awful because I know deep down that this is likely to destroy our relationship. She doesn’t deserve this. She has put so much love into our relationship and built an amazing life with me. To think that I would disrespect our relationship like this is pretty likely to be unforgivable, in my opinion. I am also obviously upset about the prospect of the destruction of our relationship, too, since it means the world to me, but I feel much worse for her since she didn’t do anything but be a loving partner to me, and this is what she received. 

 

After this, a few things are clear to me. 

 

1. My tendency to binge drink is extremely destructive to my life and I need to completely quit drinking, perhaps forever
2. A mature partner should never put themselves in situations like these where cheating is even an option or temptation (duh)
3. I need to tell her the truth when she gets home from her trip tomorrow since I not only feel terrible and don’t want to hide it, but I am not willing to put her sexual health at risk (I already got a full STD panel today when I got back, will retest in 2 weeks, then 1 more retest after a month)

 

I’m fairly confident this conversation is going to go over terribly no matter what I say or how I word it. 

 

I would also desperately like to work to address my alcohol issues and underlying personal issues by quitting drinking (already done after that night) and seeking therapy, first and foremost for myself, but also perhaps with some naive hope that our relationship can recover from this with some serious personal change.

 

Do y’all have any tips on how to even begin this conversation? To be honest, I still think I’m processing what happened, and my emotions are pretty raw, so I am struggling with how to even frame this productively. I think the most likely outcome is a breakup (which is totally valid), but I would also like to try my hardest to salvage things in this bad situation I’ve put us in.

 

Thank you for reading.

[Wiseman2]

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done especially STD testing. (Sounds like you picked up an escort). Frankly discuss the binge drinking and ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support. Also ask rehab and support groups.

It's good you are thinking about your GF and hopefully plan to be honest with her.

Please don't use alcohol or drinking as an excuse. All this self flagellating about your drinking sounds like a rehearsal. Hoping she feels sorry for you as if you have a medical problem. Fact is, picking up hookers is a choice you made. Take responsibility. Do Not Blame The Alcohol. 

[lostandhurt]

First off do not make excuses or justifications for what you did.  Own it completely.  You were clear headed  enough to walk to her room and take your clothes off so you were clear headed enough to stop anywhere along the way.  Making excuses is insulting to your partner like it really wasn't your fault.

Next, some might tell you to take this to your grave and in some cases perhaps it is the best option for some people but it sounds like it is already eating you up.  Eventually she will see the guilt in your eyes and suspect you are hiding something.

 Before you tell her join AA and call your doctor for a referral to a therapist. This will show that you are serious about improving yourself all around.

 Once it is time sit down with her when there is plenty of time to talk and cry.  Be prepared to take what ever she says at you and about you with no defense.  Be prepared to answer all her questions without hesitation but be kind and do not go into details unless pressed by her.  General information first and if she needs to hear more then tell her.  If you live together have a place to stay that night lined up with a friend because she may throw you out and if she wants you to leave then leave as long as she is safe to be alone.

  How you phrase those words is impossible to help you with because it will crush her so all I can tell you is choose them carefully but be clear so she does not has to guess as to what you mean. 

  In truth there is no easy way to tell the person that loves you so much you betrayed them...

Lost

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

(Sounds like you picked up an escort)

I wondered this, too. OP, was any money exchanged? Not that it makes much difference to the cheating itself, but it seems a bit odd that apparently within minutes of this woman approaching you, you two were already in bed. 

All you can do is be honest with your girlfriend and let the chips fall where they may. Keep getting tested per your doctor's recommendations, as some infections won't show up in your system right away. 

You were not using your best judgement, but you were also clear-headed enough to get into bed (and out), and stay upright long enough to get yourself back to your own accommodation. Keep that in mind. Alcohol may have impaired you but you made the choice to cheat all on your own. Something is going on inside you that wanted to sleep with someone else. You need to explore that (with yourself) and figure out what isn't lining up in your story of your romance with your girlfriend. 

[Kwothe28]

I wouldnt make "I was drunk" excuse. That is a problem you should solve separately by treating your addiction with therapy or AA meetings. Take full responsability. Tell her everything that happened and see if she is willing to forgive you. Say that you are willing to work in regaining her trust and to not ever get into this kind of situation again(though that is kinda cliche, every cheater says they wont do it again lol).

You take full responsability and accountability which is good. But you still have a problem that you need to take care. Otherwise it would just repeat. Next time it maybe would not be cheating but a bar fight or something else. hence why you need to work on what made you drink in a first place. What happened is just a consequence of that.

Another thing is, she may choose not to forgive you. Which would probably make you spiral even more. But you need to accept the consequences of your actions and work on yourself no mater what happens. Life goes on and its important that we learn from our mistakes and not repeat them. She may not be with you after this but your life still needs to get itself in order. That means working on your personal issues instead of drinking them away.

[Batya33]

You chose to get drunk and chose the consequences so whether you were sober or drunk is irrelevant. Tell her and tell her why it happened (not because you were drunk) and how you plan to make sure it never happens again.  That to me is the right way to share, and apologize.  I'd also tell her specifically how you plan to deal with your drinking problem.

[smackie9]

I agree you don't make excuses. Take full responsibility for your actions and admit you made really bad choices. That you will accept all consequences of the outcome of this conversation. Make sure she knows that this had nothing to do with her or your relationship to cause your decisions that night....tell her in no way you could ever forgive yourself for what you have done to her. Apologize for it and then take your lumps.

[Halle Berry23]

The first step to recovery is admiting that you have a problem. 

Unfortunately you have to be truthful with your partner. There's no telling of what the outcome will be but you can't base your relationship on lies. 

Yes it will hurt her and she will lose trust but trust can be rebuilt overtime. 

Alcohol alters your mind, there's no knowing what you can or cannot do and if you can't control your liquor, rather don't drink. 

I hope it works out for you champ! 

[LotusBlack]

On 3/17/2024 at 1:58 PM, whoopsie said:

I (28M) want to preface this by saying that I have recently come to terms with the fact that I may have drinking issues that have developed over the past few months. I’ve been struggling with some personal issues and have been binge drinking  more than I’d probably care to admit, perhaps as an outlet. I think this precipitated the incident below meaningfully, but at the end of the day, I take full responsibility for what happened.

 

I was on a planned nerdy vacation to Japan (anime, gaming, etc.) with some guy friends this week, and two of us got inappropriately drunk a few days ago (I think he also has a drinking problem, though I didn’t know this before the trip). We were at a bar and this is one of my first times ever getting this drunk in a public bar where there were strangers around (usually with friends in private spaces).

 

Details are a bit hazy, but the gist is that a girl approaches me at a bar and after a few minutes (or maybe a bit longer?) I go back with her to her hotel room. I know that we had some half-hearted unprotected sex where she was on top and my soldier wasn’t standing at full attention. After a minute or two, I realized how crazy what I was doing was, so I excused myself without finishing and went and called my friend to meet back up and eventually ended up back home after showering and feeling a bit shell-shocked. One of the worst parts of is how I don’t really fully remember the circumstances that led to this encounter or why I thought it was okay, just bits and pieces.

 

The aftermath of what I had done really hit me the next day when I woke up sober—I pretty much didn’t get out of bed at all because I was so sick to my stomach. I am in a 3 year relationship with a girl who I was planning on proposing to in May. She really wants to get married as well, we currently live together and, by all accounts, have a loving and fulfilling relationship. She is by far the best partner I have ever had, I’m very attracted to her, and I like to think that I have historically been a good partner to her as well until this trip. Going out like this itself is a bit out of character for me, and having any thoughts of cheating on her (let alone actually going through with it!!!) is not something I have ever previously considered.

 

Now I feel awful because I know deep down that this is likely to destroy our relationship. She doesn’t deserve this. She has put so much love into our relationship and built an amazing life with me. To think that I would disrespect our relationship like this is pretty likely to be unforgivable, in my opinion. I am also obviously upset about the prospect of the destruction of our relationship, too, since it means the world to me, but I feel much worse for her since she didn’t do anything but be a loving partner to me, and this is what she received. 

 

After this, a few things are clear to me. 

 

1. My tendency to binge drink is extremely destructive to my life and I need to completely quit drinking, perhaps forever
2. A mature partner should never put themselves in situations like these where cheating is even an option or temptation (duh)
3. I need to tell her the truth when she gets home from her trip tomorrow since I not only feel terrible and don’t want to hide it, but I am not willing to put her sexual health at risk (I already got a full STD panel today when I got back, will retest in 2 weeks, then 1 more retest after a month)

 

I’m fairly confident this conversation is going to go over terribly no matter what I say or how I word it. 

 

I would also desperately like to work to address my alcohol issues and underlying personal issues by quitting drinking (already done after that night) and seeking therapy, first and foremost for myself, but also perhaps with some naive hope that our relationship can recover from this with some serious personal change.

 

Do y’all have any tips on how to even begin this conversation? To be honest, I still think I’m processing what happened, and my emotions are pretty raw, so I am struggling with how to even frame this productively. I think the most likely outcome is a breakup (which is totally valid), but I would also like to try my hardest to salvage things in this bad situation I’ve put us in.

 

Thank you for reading.

I haven’t read any of the responses, so I have no idea what points have been made, but I felt compelled to respond promptly. 

Honestly, you are not guilt-free, but I also think you were not of sound mind to give informed consent. I have lived in Japan before for years and I am fully aware of how things often occur in bars there and I have the very strong feeling you were taken advantage of. Again, you are responsible for your alcohol consumption and put yourself in a vulnerable position by becoming deliberately impaired and that was your responsibility, but I think there was a bit of calculating done on the part of the girl who very deliberately approached you with a nefarious agenda. It happens a lot. If she didn’t ask for money and went unprotected, she may have been trying to get pregnant with the highly sort after “hafu” baby (based on the assumption she was Japanese and you…not, which may not be true). Perhaps that wasn’t the case, but even if it was just for sex, a drunk person cannot give informed consent. What she drunk too?

It isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card and you played a part in what happened by drinking as you did, but I think it is significant and should be part of the conversation with your gf.

[TeeDee]

Before you begin this conversation you need to get right with yourself. 

Step one;  Go get an STD test & complete physical.  Let's how much damage drinking has done to your body.  Refrain from sex with your FI until you get the STD results.  If you caught something it's really not fair to pass it on to her. 

Step 2:  think long & hard about whether you need to give up drinking altogether & go to AA.  You acknowledge the problem

Step 3:  tell her.  Just use the dreaded opening line "we have to talk" then spit it out.  Do give her your STD status which will hopefully be negative & then discuss with her whether you need AA.  

Give her time to process.  She may find this unforgiveable & you will have to live with that.  Actions have consequences.