I (28M) want to preface this by saying that I have recently come to terms with the fact that I may have drinking issues that have developed over the past few months. I’ve been struggling with some personal issues and have been binge drinking more than I’d probably care to admit, perhaps as an outlet. I think this precipitated the incident below meaningfully, but at the end of the day, I take full responsibility for what happened.
I was on a planned nerdy vacation to Japan (anime, gaming, etc.) with some guy friends this week, and two of us got inappropriately drunk a few days ago (I think he also has a drinking problem, though I didn’t know this before the trip). We were at a bar and this is one of my first times ever getting this drunk in a public bar where there were strangers around (usually with friends in private spaces).
Details are a bit hazy, but the gist is that a girl approaches me at a bar and after a few minutes (or maybe a bit longer?) I go back with her to her hotel room. I know that we had some half-hearted unprotected sex where she was on top and my soldier wasn’t standing at full attention. After a minute or two, I realized how crazy what I was doing was, so I excused myself without finishing and went and called my friend to meet back up and eventually ended up back home after showering and feeling a bit shell-shocked. One of the worst parts of is how I don’t really fully remember the circumstances that led to this encounter or why I thought it was okay, just bits and pieces.
The aftermath of what I had done really hit me the next day when I woke up sober—I pretty much didn’t get out of bed at all because I was so sick to my stomach. I am in a 3 year relationship with a girl who I was planning on proposing to in May. She really wants to get married as well, we currently live together and, by all accounts, have a loving and fulfilling relationship. She is by far the best partner I have ever had, I’m very attracted to her, and I like to think that I have historically been a good partner to her as well until this trip. Going out like this itself is a bit out of character for me, and having any thoughts of cheating on her (let alone actually going through with it!!!) is not something I have ever previously considered.
Now I feel awful because I know deep down that this is likely to destroy our relationship. She doesn’t deserve this. She has put so much love into our relationship and built an amazing life with me. To think that I would disrespect our relationship like this is pretty likely to be unforgivable, in my opinion. I am also obviously upset about the prospect of the destruction of our relationship, too, since it means the world to me, but I feel much worse for her since she didn’t do anything but be a loving partner to me, and this is what she received.
After this, a few things are clear to me.
My tendency to binge drink is extremely destructive to my life and I need to completely quit drinking, perhaps forever
A mature partner should never put themselves in situations like these where cheating is even an option or temptation (duh)
I need to tell her the truth when she gets home from her trip tomorrow since I not only feel terrible and don’t want to hide it, but I am not willing to put her sexual health at risk (I already got a full STD panel today when I got back, will retest in 2 weeks, then 1 more retest after a month)
I’m fairly confident this conversation is going to go over terribly no matter what I say or how I word it.
I would also desperately like to work to address my alcohol issues and underlying personal issues by quitting drinking (already done after that night) and seeking therapy, first and foremost for myself, but also perhaps with some naive hope that our relationship can recover from this with some serious personal change.
Do y’all have any tips on how to even begin this conversation? To be honest, I still think I’m processing what happened, and my emotions are pretty raw, so I am struggling with how to even frame this productively. I think the most likely outcome is a breakup (which is totally valid), but I would also like to try my hardest to salvage things in this bad situation I’ve put us in.
Thank you for reading.
