1st date

[aphexx13]

we met for dinner and drinks. I drove she took a uber because she hadnt drank in a while. we hit it off really good. we live very close to each other so at the end of the date she asked if i wanted to take her home and watch a movie. when we got to her house she had another drink. as the movie went on she was getting very snuggly with me and at the end of the movie she got very aggressive. lots of kissing and heavy petting. before that began we agreed that sex was off the table her words which i was fine with because she was pretty tipsy and i wasnt. after things cooled down we talked about that we had great chemistry and both wanted a long term relationship. we both suspended all our dating apps as we both only like to date 1 person at a time. i left and we kissed goodbye called her when i got home. the next day she apologized for being to assertive and said she drank to much. she said she did have a great time but her actions werent really her and she feels bad.

we texted through the day and made plans for another date. she just got over covid so the date took a lot of energy out of her. i may be reading to much into her texts but she seemed distant. we were supposed to chat tonight but she said she was wiped out and asked if we could talk tomorrow. all her dating apps are taken down but i cant shake the feeling something is off. thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, aphexx13 said:

. we were supposed to chat tonight but she said she was wiped out and asked if we could talk tomorrow. all her dating apps are taken down but i cant shake the feeling something is off. thoughts?

She may be hungover or whatever. The date seems to have gone well, so let the dust settle and ask her out next weekend or whatever.

[lostandhurt]

At this point just take her at her word and don't stress over it.  If she bails on talking on the phone tomorrow then you can start to wonder if she is not feeling it anymore.  Give her space for now and send her a text tomorrow after lunch letting her know you are looking forward to talking with her later.  This does two things. 1. Lets her know you are interested and thinking of her. 2. Reminds her and prompts her about the call.

 It is very very early on and neither of you know much about the other so live your life and let this happen, forcing it will not work.  I know it is hard when you feel there is something off but you have to be patient.

 Lost

[ShySoul]

1. Still feeling sick from Covid. 2. Still feeling the effects of the alcohol. 3. Feeling embarrassed by her actions. 4. Tired from whatever else she has in her life. Take your pick of plausible explanations.

Don't over think it. Did you have a good time? Did she? Seems like a yes. So talk when you can and set plans to meet again. Don't fret small things and just enjoy.

[aphexx13]

thanks for the advice. i tend to overthink things and not to mention i have a anxious preoccupied attachment style. i see a counselor for that.

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but her actions dont match her words. Somebody who is aftering long-term relationship doesnt get tipsy and invites men in her home after first date. Somebody who is aftering sex is doing that. Dont expect loyalty from somebody like that. Because you wont find it there.

[MrMan1983]

Hangover regret and probably slightly embarrassed by her actions like she said, if she liked you enough though she'll be up for a second date.

Would give her some time to get back to feeling normal though then try setting the second date but wouldn't smother each other with tons of texts/calls etc you've only met once, and take what she said about how keen she was whilst drunk with a huge pinch of salt, keep an eye out for her actions.

Also what's with the becoming exclusive mid way through a first date? Way too intense too soon.

[Batya33]

I would assume this was a fun, fantasy one and done thing - she likely chooses to drink on first dates (I mean obviously if this wasn't her thing she wouldn't choose it while getting over Covid) and likes the thrill of inviting a stranger into her home and whispering sweet nothings then doing the whole coy "OMG I NEVER act this way I feel badly" to get out of actually showing up, staying relatively sober and getting to know someone properly not for Insta Relationship.  

I'd keep the door slightly open -offer to see her again in a public place for a shared activity like a museum or a hike or outdoor performance, etc

[aphexx13]

talked to her today and asked for some clarification. she says our kissing didnt have the chemistry she wanted. although thats not what she was saying during our making out. she was saying how turned on she was and how much she liked it. one thing i didnt like is she was very aggressive and was shoving her tongue down my throat. it was very sloppy and not very sensual. i told her that it was a bit awkward and our first time and we needed to learn each others kissing style. she said its about what she likes and wants and wont settle like she has in the past. i told her you cant judge things by 1 date and we should try a few more dates before giving up on our feelings.

[lostandhurt]

38 minutes ago, aphexx13 said:

i told her you cant judge things by 1 date and we should try a few more dates before giving up on our feelings.

If you have to convince someone to see you again it is probably best to let it go. Although I do agree since she had a lot to drink she wasn't exactly her normal self judgement wise and memory.

What did she say when you in the end?

Lost

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, aphexx13 said:

. she says our kissing didnt have the chemistry she wanted.   she said its about what she likes and wants and wont settle 

Sorry this happened. It's a sort of "no chemistry" type of message. That's ok. You're not a good match. Please don't bother convincing her how to kiss.  It seems like you dodged a bullet if someone gets this drunk and sloppy and regrets it. 

[aphexx13]

 

56 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

If you have to convince someone to see you again it is probably best to let it go. Although I do agree since she had a lot to drink she wasn't exactly her normal self judgement wise and memory.

What did she say when you in the end?

Lost

she agreed to go on a few more dates but ill be surprised if i hear from her again and honestly im not sure i even want to at this point.

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It's a sort of "no chemistry" type of message. That's ok. You're not a good match. Please don't bother convincing her how to kiss.  It seems like you dodged a bullet if someone gets this drunk and sloppy and regrets it. 

  

exactly, she led me to believe it was great then had a change of heart the next day and didnt have the decency to be honest and dodged the truth for 2 days. i think its a petty thing to end things over. especially after 1 date. there were more pluses the negatives. i think shes a game player. one thing i forgot to mention is she broke out her vibrator and had me use it on her with her cloths half off. i believe i dodged a bullet indeed.  

[Batya33]

I think all people are entitled not to go on another date after meeting someone for whatever reason at all.  No one has to date or give someone a chance in dating.  It's dating.  It's not work.  Everyone is entitled to change their minds especially early on. It's common and it's ok. She didn't enjoy kissing you.  To me that's a perfectly good reason and in the past it often was a dealbreaker for me. Please don't try to convince someone to see you again unless you have something to apologize for like "I'm so sorry I was late - if I promise to be on time from now on would you consider seeing me again?" I once played a really dumb, harmless and funny trick on a first date (a set up by a mutual friend).  He was NOT amused.  I was surprised -very surprised -but he didn't ask me out again -it was obviously why.  Live and learn.

[lostandhurt]

9 hours ago, aphexx13 said:

one thing i forgot to mention is she broke out her vibrator and had me use it on her with her cloths half off.

I can see how you might think she had a good time on the date.  Sex was off the table (her words) but it sounds like she wanted to go as close to it as possible with you.

 Best not to even try and figure some people out as it just wastes your time and mental real estate.

  Good luck on your continued search.

Lost

[catfeeder]

Sounds like she embarrassed herself and wants to avoid seeing you again by making it about you.

Think of dating as a screening process instead of about impressing someone. She showed you a big truth about her drinking and lack of self control. Would you really consider her great relationship material? If not, then what would motivate you to see her again beyond watching more of a train wreck to see if there’s anything that falls out of it that you can have some fun with?

[The Invisible Man]

15 hours ago, aphexx13 said:

 

she agreed to go on a few more dates but ill be surprised if i hear from her again and honestly im not sure i even want to at this point.

  

exactly, she led me to believe it was great then had a change of heart the next day and didnt have the decency to be honest and dodged the truth for 2 days. i think its a petty thing to end things over. especially after 1 date. there were more pluses the negatives. i think shes a game player.

Quote

one thing i forgot to mention is she broke out her vibrator and had me use it on her with her cloths half off. i believe i dodged a bullet indeed.  

I think you did too.  Totally incompatible, not only her thoughts on your kissing style, and your thoughts on her sexual style (presenting the vibrator on the date), it just wasn't going to work. 

 

[aphexx13]

about the taking down the dating sites. typically what i do is only date 1 person at a time so i pause or disable my dating apps while im dating someone. i do blame myself for not seeing the red flags sooner. to my defense my profile was very detailed about my personality my like and dislikes and what i was looking for in a relationship. hers was a paragraph at most specifying meeting right away. she claimed that we were so much alike and had so many things in common. during our date we hardly got to talk about personal things. one problem and big flag was she dominated the conversation because she was so hyper physically and verbally i could barly get a word in . I do think she has a problem with drinking from some of her stories. shes 51 but seemed very immature. the thing that bothered me the most and what caused me so much confusion is she sent me a message before we met saying that the last guy she met obviously was after 1 thing and she was sick of guys doing that. thats why i was so confused when she did a 180 and jumped on me. she also said that she was hopeful that we would hit it off and we could have a dating app deleting party.   

[aphexx13]

thanks everyone for the input and support. i do believe she had no intension of forming a relationship and only wanted a hookup and when she didnt get it she got mad at me for wasting her night. the whole kissing chemistry thing doesnt make sense because if she was so drunk that she lost all her boundaries how are you going to remember if chemistry is there or not. i think she has some major relationship issues and a drinking problem. hell for all i know she could be married and cheating on her husband. she works 3rd shift 3 on 3 off and when shes working her ex husband stays at the house to watch their 17 yr old son. when i went to her house her son was with her ex down in Florida. hard lesson learned for me

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, aphexx13 said:

thanks everyone for the input and support. i do believe she had no intension of forming a relationship and only wanted a hookup and when she didnt get it she got mad at me for wasting her night. the whole kissing chemistry thing doesnt make sense because if she was so drunk that she lost all her boundaries how are you going to remember if chemistry is there or not. i think she has some major relationship issues and a drinking problem. hell for all i know she could be married and cheating on her husband. she works 3rd shift 3 on 3 off and when shes working her ex husband stays at the house to watch their 17 yr old son. when i went to her house her son was with her ex down in Florida. hard lesson learned for me

Who knows.  I always assumed the person was not that into me/changed their mind.  But I also avoided hanging around someone who chose to get drunk especially on a first or early date.  Because then I already knew we were not a good match.   I would move on from all the negative spin -you barely know her -your ego is bruised -have a short pity party/move on.  It's called dating and it requires a thick skin.  I'd avoid continuing a date where the other person is drinking heavily.

[Wiseman2]

On 2/22/2024 at 1:38 AM, aphexx13 said:

she agreed to go on a few more dates but ill be surprised if i hear from her again 

Have you heard from her? If she is such a train wreck, why ask her out again?